Hi my name is Shelby and I'm an addict

Happy new years eve y'all! Guess what I did today? I walked my dog! That's right I got some exercise and so did my dog. And as long as I keep proving to myself that I'm willing to exercise I'm going to go get a planet fitness membership.

Anyways I thought I'd let you guys know what's up.

Haven't used today, thank God. I know the next couple days are going to get overwhelming. And I'm not sure what to do. Just keep saying no and keep coming here I guess. Although that feels like a really **** plan.

Maybe it's a mindset thing like maybe if I view saying no and coming here as tools that are going to work, then they'll work. I'm not sure.

I need to get away from the hotel. Thank God the next 3 days I'm off.

Shelby 12/31/23 5:38pm

Happy to hear you got outside with your dog

Yeah I'm going to get out with him today again

Today is day 2 and I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Withdrawal hasn't really kicked in yet so I'm doing really well.

I've even been taking my wellbutrin again. I hate that it takes days to kick in but as long as I just hang in there hopefully it'll deminish my withdrawal symptoms.

Anyways that's all I got. Happy new year y'all.

Shelby 1/1/24 10:56am

I thought I would hop on here and give you guys a quick update...

So we're through with day 2 *phew* and now we're working on day three as we speak.

I've not had any symptoms of withdrawal yet and I'm super excited about it. I've been taking my wellbutrin and I think it's working.

One thing worthy of a side note is I've been going to the casino a lot. When I'm at the casino I feel 0 withdrawal symptoms. This is kinda tricky because I realize there's a big dopamine hit at the casino, just like with meth, it's a big dopamine hit. So it's like... How do I get that big dopamine hit when I need it? Because I can't just be going to the casino all the time, I'd be really broke. And part of this whole getting better thing is I want to have money so...

I'm thinking exercise might give me the big dopamine that I'm looking for I just have to make it fun.

Speaking of exercise I walked Butchy wootchie today again. He was glad to be walked. I fully intend to walk him again tomorrow... Er.. Well... Later today... When I wake up again.

Good night fellow autistics I love you
Shelby 1/2/24 12:21am

Ok so I woke up with a little bit more anxiety. It's not through the roof or anything like I totally plan on carrying on daily activities but yeah... Ugh

Shelby 1/2/24 12:17pm

Ok I successfully made it through day 3!
I'm tired so I'm going to be quick.

Tomorrow I'm going to go get a planet fitness membership.

Tomorrow is payday.

Im worried about it because money is one of my triggers. Money and boredom.

Im just going to try to spend as much money as I can as quick as I can so I'm not just holding onto money.

Thank you guys for being so supportive.
Shelby 1/2/24 10:13pm

Okie dokie panokie...

Panokies...

I made it through day four! Well... I take it back I still have like an hour and 55 minutes but I'm going to go to sleep here soon because I gotta be up at 7 to go to work at 8.

I didn't walk Butchy today and that's okay because I was out of town all day. But I did buy a planet fitness membership online today! So I look forward to going probably next week or maybe even later tomorrow evening after I get off work!

Anyways cheers! Here's to a successful day four and an even better day 5. My anxiety hasn't kicked in at all today and I'm so proud of myself

I'll try to update y'all when I get up.

Love you
Shelby 1/3/24 10:08pm

Ok well I forgot to write when I woke up whomp

Guess what I did today? I went to planet fitness! I even got picture proof



I only walked a mile but let me tell you when you're wayyyyy out of shape and drugs have taken a toll on my body a mile is a long way to walk. Of course I plan on going more and walking even further. But I started with what I knew, which is the treadmill.

It even got my mind off of the boredom I was feeling.

The wellbutrin is working too. I'm really happy about it I've had very minimal anxiety and cravings so far.

What is today? Day 5? Well here's to a wonderful day 5 and here's to an even better day 6.

Tomorrow I'll post homework for module 4 of beyond sober. I'm more than halfway complete with the program and I'll probably start the program again as soon as I finish.

I love you.

Shelby 1/4/24 10:31pm

slw0363 said:

Ok well I forgot to write when I woke up whomp

Guess what I did today? I went to planet fitness! I even got picture proof

View attachment 123741

I only walked a mile but let me tell you when you're wayyyyy out of shape and drugs have taken a toll on my body a mile is a long way to walk. Of course I plan on going more and walking even further. But I started with what I knew, which is the treadmill.

It even got my mind off of the boredom I was feeling.

The wellbutrin is working too. I'm really happy about it I've had very minimal anxiety and cravings so far.

What is today? Day 5? Well here's to a wonderful day 5 and here's to an even better day 6.

Tomorrow I'll post homework for module 4 of beyond sober. I'm more than halfway complete with the program and I'll probably start the program again as soon as I finish.

I love you.

Shelby 1/4/24 10:31pm

Click to expand...

I am very happy to read this post from you! Good job on going to planet fitness

Shelby 1/5/24 11:23pm

Hey guys how's it going? I'm super tired but I promised this girl I work with a ride to her house at midnight even though I work at 8am :/

But I did good today. I worked hard and I even went to planet fitness again today. I did a mile within 20 minutes this time. Maybe I'll eventually work up to a mile in 19 minutes.

The only thing I regret is I hopped off the treadmill at 19:30 or so I should have kept pushing to at least 20:00. One day I'd like to work up to being on the treadmill for like 45 minutes at a time. Just walking of course not running. Maybe running one day. Idk.

It's the little wins man.

Day 6. Here's to day 7.

Shelby 1/5/24 11:30pm

Hey guys how's it going? I'm going to keep this short because I maybe got like 6 hours of sleep last night and I worked all day and went to the gym (for the third day in a row!) so I'm super tired.

I walked like 1.10 miles at the gym in 25 minutes today. Mostly I was trying to get used to being at the gym longer than 20 minutes. Maybe I'll try for 30 minutes tomorrow. Trying to work myself up to 45 minutes ultimately.

Today was good just the thing is I like working morning because there's no space or time for me to get high at work but I have to be busy with my bosses always watching me bc that's the time they're there too. I like the 4 to midnight shift because it's laid back and the bosses are gone but then I'm stuck getting high in the bathroom. Ugh.

Not saying that being busy isn't working in my favor I've had relatively no withdrawal symptoms this past week. Thank God.

Goodnight guys

Shelby 1/6/24 9:42pm

1: Name the top three things you want to learn from instead of feeling like you failed during the experience.

1a: I want to learn from my relapses and be kinder to myself during them, I want to learn from my past and learn that I did my best with what I had, and I want to learn from my present what I like and don't like and what is working for me and what isn't as it happens.

2: Do you consider yourself a curious person? Why are why not?

2a: yes I do consider myself a curious person. I'm curious about everything. I would say I'm more of a learner type. Why do I consider myself curious? Because I'm willing to learn... I'm willing... Wow. I just realized that's what willing means I'm willing to grow I'm willing to get sober I'm willing to learn.... I am willing and I just realized it.

3: If everything is meant for you but you don't own anything, what is the most recent example of something that happened that you could have learned from?

3a: I feel like I need to answer this abstractly... So I take on people's emotions and I'm learning that they're not my feelings to take on. It's happening for me to help me practice not taking on other people's feelings. I just need to grow from that.

Shelby 1/7/24 5:11pm

4: What is the most valuable lesson you've learned through the Beyond Super Program and how do you intend to apply that moving forward?

4a: idk maybe to practice patience like I know withdrawal is hard I had my first case of bad withdrawal today and I was so close to acting on using but if I just practice patience things will get better. Acceptance is another big one I've learned how to accept and let go of things that were holding me down. I've also learned to let go of other people's feelings because they do not serve me. I've learned a lot now that I think about it. I'm very grateful.

5: What type of situations do you tend to give your emotions to that can be more of a learning experience if you look at the situations objectively?

5a: I tend to get caught up in my relapses and beat myself up over them. If I'd learn from them and give myself lenience and grace I probably wouldn't have so many relapses.

Shelby 1/7/24 10:38pm

"Hey pi. I don't really have anything to talk about I was just checking in and letting you know I am doing well. I almost used today but I didn't thankfully. I think today is day 8 clean "

Pi: "
Hey Shelby, that's wonderful to hear that you're doing well and that you were able to avoid using today. You're doing an amazing job!

Checking in and letting me know how you're doing is a great way to keep yourself accountable and on track. And even though you were tempted to use today, the fact that you didn't is a huge victory!

Keep up the good work, Shelby. You're proving to yourself that you have the strength and resilience to overcome any obstacles that come your way. Keep pushing forward, and remember that you're not alone in this journey. We're all rooting for you! "

Shelby 1/7/24 10:56pm

I've been working myself up the past 5 days. I started at one mile and almost died. Now I'm up to two miles and sure it almost killed me but I did it. Let it be noted that I did NOT feel like going today and even when I was there I was trying to find excuses to leave. I'm glad I didn't.

Shelby 1/8/24 7:57pm

Hey guys how's it going? So I'm sorry for being short last night... I relapsed last night and like I knew I was going to when I posted that picture and that's probably why I was so short and really I should have said something... But I didn't. And I didn't because it just looks like I'm choosing when I post it and then go do it anyways right like how dumb is that to be like "I'm going to go do this thing I know will end badly for me". Idk maybe next time, if there is a next time, I will post it here before... It's not like any of you are going to stop me. Maybe I'm just more concerned with someone pointing out what a terrible idea it is to go do something I'm going to regret doing.

Anyways just like last time I'm hopping back on the sobriety board and I will be pushing forward in the beyond sober program.

I'm going to try to get the rest of the homework done tonight so I can move on to module 5...

I'm still going to go to the gym tonight but I'm going to slow walk bc I don't want to put a strain on my heart. And I'll probably just walk like a mile and be done.

Shelby 1/9/24 3:24pm

Well I went to the gym. I only walked (slowly) for 20 minutes today. I maybe went .75 miles until my chest started hurting. I wanted to get my heart rate just to see but the heart rate function on the treadmill I was using apparently didn't work, I'm sure that my heart rate is very elevated right now.

I told you I'd come here before I did it and I'm not going to do it again but I really feel like using again :/ meth is a very very VERY addictive substance and if you ever get a chance to try it I sincerely hope you have learned from me and you just walk away.

Shelby 1/9/24 8:01pm

I'm not even going to talk about what I did last night. It was ****ing stupid. So I'm moving on... Let's work on some beyond sober homework...

6: If the only thing you're in control of is the way you react, what are you struggling to get control over? What do you wish you had control over?

6a: I'm struggling to get control over my own actions, especially the ones that lead me into relapse. I wish I had more control over how I felt days after my last usage when I think it's a good idea to go use again.

7: If you give your emotions away to people you don't trust, then what are you left with?

7a: a lot of anxiety. In other words, if I give my emotions away, when I get them back, they're all f**ked up, but if I find my inner peace, like if I don't just hand my emotions over right away, I'm more in control of my own situation, anxiety and all.

8: Applying your emotions in the right areas is a superhuman strength... in which ways do you intend to provide a healthy response? Where do you feel you overreact?

8a: I intend to provide healthy responses when people are having big emotions or when there is some type of emotional manipulator in the room (bc both will melt me down internally). I feel like I overreact a lot internally when I'm around these types of people (which I'm around people with big feelings often I guess because when I wasn't aware that I was giving my feelings away I always had anxiety so maybe they don't have to have big feelings for me to feel overwhelmed maybe I'm just making it a big feeling in my head idk) and I kind of melt down because I can't handle me giving them my stress or my feelings or my emotion because they're barely in control of their own emotions.

9: You cannot convince anybody of anything and you are simply in a power of influence. How do you intend to influence people to respect your growth

9a: ooooh good question... So first off I intend not to hand off my feelings anymore...

Actually I'm having trouble with this question because I can't think of anything so I asked pi and pi came up with:

"It can be difficult to get people to recognize and respect our growth and personal development, Shelby. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Communicate your growth: Be clear and open about the changes you've made in your life and how you've grown as a person. This can help people understand where you're coming from and how you've evolved.

2. Set boundaries: If people are disrespectful or dismissive of your growth, set clear boundaries and let them know what behaviors are acceptable and what are not.

3. Surround yourself with supportive people: Spend time with people who respect and support your growth and personal development.

4. Be patient: It can take time for people to recognize and respect your growth. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to communicate your progress and set boundaries.

5. Practice self-care: Take care of yourself and prioritize your own mental and emotional well-being. This will help you maintain a positive attitude and be more resilient in the face of disrespect or dismissiveness from others."

I'm going to go put a pizza in the oven then I'll be back to answer more questions...

Shelby 1/10/24 11:56am

10: What specific character traits do you have now that would have made a difference when your trauma occurred?

10a: I feel like this is a good question too because I'm an entirely different person now than I was when I started drugs. First off, I f**king know not to start anymore goddamned addictive drugs. Secondly I've developed a lot of self love like when I started drugs it wasn't that I was suicidal persay but I just didn't want to be here anymore because I didn't feel worthy of being here. Now I KNOW I'm worthy of being here and taking up space and time.

11: Describe in detail what a healthy version of you looks like and a successful version of you does.

11a: well I think a healthy version of me doesn't relapse anymore. He exercises daily. And he works for a tech company somewhere doing coding and he's really good at it. Yeah... That and I got a cool car lol.

Shelby 1/10/24 12:13pm