Dating someone who has Aspergers. Not sure what to do?

[Suzanne]

Actually, lots of NTs think "neurotypical" is a slur, in the same way many non-trans people think "cis" is a slur. Both are just descriptive, whereas allistics (not a slur) who feel hostile to autistics for whatever reason, will often deliberately mispronounce/misspell it as "ass burgers".

My husband being one of those who hate the thought of being typical and so, I do try so hard to not say it to him, but unfortunately, sometimes feel I have no choice, because it fully explains things!

 

[zurb]

As an aside, I think you will find anyone who types 'Aspergers' on an iPhone or iPad is always going to spell it wrong until they notice what the auto correct does to it. Don't assume its an insult on the part of the poster.

 

[Harrison]

I have deleted two of the posts here as they confrontational and heading towards outright abuse on the thread. Please keep it calm, if you really need to chew each other out then do it by PM or come to us with your issue. Thanks

 

[Grumpy Cat]

As an NT, I can understand how the misspelling of Aspergers would be annoying - if one is going to be on an Aspergers forum you want to make sure you know how to spell the word in the first place. Most NT's don't know much about Aspergers and therefore I see it as an honest mistake and once corrected (AJ's post would have been all that's needed) I would expect the person to take note and correct the error. I also understand how Aspie's want to come to this site as a place to let down their guard and not have to worry about acting "normal". On the other hand when you think about it, why would an NT come here in the first place and stick around? Probably because they like Aspies.i spend more time here than with my other friends. Speaking for myself, whenever I try to give what I call "constructive criticism" on how NT's do something (etiquette) it's because I live NT and if anything I say can help Aspies in their life outside of this forum then I'm all for that. There are good NT's. (Every time I say NT I feel like an alien because it reminds me of ET .). We all just need to be a little more tolerant of each other and cut the other person some slack.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have deleted two of the posts here as they confrontational and heading towards outright abuse on the thread. Please keep it calm, if you really need to chew each other out then do it by PM or come to us with your issue. Thanks

Thank you, Harrison, for not locking the thread. A lot of good threads have been closed because of disagreements that were very helpful threads and should have been left open.

 

[Ylva]

Oh how I get: I am not my shoes! My husband said: you know the trouble with you Suzanne, is that you attack the whole person, not the traits of a person and that really hit home and so, trying to change that. It is true, that I am my shoes

Has this metaphor gotten out of hand? At first I thought it was the Fight Club "you are not your car" thing, but in that paragraph it looks more like "you are not your thought patterns", which I really think I am.

 

[Tia Maria]

I have deleted two of the posts here as they confrontational and heading towards outright abuse on the thread. Please keep it calm, if you really need to chew each other out then do it by PM or come to us with your issue. Thanks

Thank you Harrison. Let calmer heads prevail.

 

[royinpink]

Maybe I missed it, but I haven't seen anyone post 22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know yet. My boyfriend read it and it's been helpful for him to understand.

 

[Emmett]

This annoys me a little lol
asbergers <-- its aspergers
Its a common mistake i just want to prevent it from being said lol

Duly noted. I checked the spelling, but must have had a brain fart when I missed my mistake.

 

[Emmett]

First off, I appreciate everyone's toleration of my presence here. I am very aware of how ignorant, uneducated and clueless I happen to be about Aspergers folks, and I'm very much aware of how my ignorance could very easily offend or insult a pile of people without my even knowing about it. Thanks in advance for everyone's patience, understanding and toleration as I do my best to learn more about this so that I can try to save my relationship.

Please know that I do not intend to insult, belittle, or make unhappy anyone who happens across my posts.

Emmett

 

[Harrison]

First off, I appreciate everyone's toleration of my presence here. I am very aware of how ignorant, uneducated and clueless I happen to be about Aspbergers folks, and I'm very much aware of how my ignorance could very easily offend or insult a pile of people without my even knowing about it. Thanks in advance for everyone's patience, understanding and toleration as I do my best to learn more about this so that I can try to save my relationship.

Please know that I do not intend to insult, belittle, or make unhappy anyone who happens across my posts.

Emmett

Emmett, don't worry, you are as welcome here as anyone else.

(ps you spelt it wrong again )

 

[Emmett]

Fixed.

 

[aj]

Duly noted. I checked the spelling, but must have had a brain fart when I missed my mistake.

Your ok i just see it allott haha

 

[Emmett]

Question. I'm not expecting my ex to change. I get that part from reading posts here. But I would like her to understand how difficult it is for an NT person to deal with someone who has Aspergers, and to at least understand and work with me on learning how to cope.

Is this reasonable? Can Aspies work with NT people or is it that I need to be the one to make the accommodations?

 

[Ylva]

Question. I'm not expecting my ex to change. I get that part from reading posts here. But I would like her to understand how difficult it is for an NT person to deal with someone who has Aspergers, and to at least understand and work with me on learning how to cope.

Is this reasonable? Can Aspies work with NT people or is it that I need to be the one to make the accommodations?

If you could be a bit more specific about what things you want her to accommodate, it would be easier to answer. Personally I feel that I accommodate a lot, but so does my mother. She insists she turns down the volume on the tv, so I shouldn't complain about it still hurting my ears, because it shouldn't still hurt my ears in her opinion. Is that the sort of thing you are talking about?

 

[Emmett]

If you could be a bit more specific about what things you want her to accommodate, it would be easier to answer. Personally I feel that I accommodate a lot, but so does my mother. She insists she turns down the volume on the tv, so I shouldn't complain about it still hurting my ears, because it shouldn't still hurt my ears in her opinion. Is that the sort of thing you are talking about?

I'm not thinking about things like the volume on the TV. I would think that the proper solution would be for the NT person to wear headphones so that the Aspergers person wouldn't have to deal with loud noise. Especially if the NT person is an elderly parent who is getting hard of hearing.

I'm referring to whether you understand why your mom discounts your issues with the TV? Whether Aspies understand how their differences from NT people affect NT people, and why NT people have difficulty, especially if they're not educated about aspie issues.

Just as it's important for NT people to understand and relate to Aspies, I think it's equally important for Aspies to understand why NT people might have difficulty.

 

[Ylva]

Whether Aspies understand how their differences from NT people affect NT people, and why NT people have difficulty, especially if they're not educated about aspie issues.

I think it's because we don't act or respond the way people expect us to. You wouldn't expect me to find something painful that you don't find painful, and people who are less understanding than yourself are often, in my experience, deeply offended by that.

Do you have a consise explanation for it that I've missed?

(Edited a typo.)

 

[Judge]

I think it's because we don't act or respond the way people expect us to. You wouldn't expect me to find something painful that I don't find painful, and people who are less understanding than yourself are often, in my experience, deeply offended by that.

Then factor in that some traits are neurologically "hard-wired" for us. Where we may or may not have an ability to overcome them to the satisfaction of a social/neurological majority. Regardless of how open-minded or receptive we might be.

I can learn about alternate neurological processes in a mechanical sense, but this is no guarantee that I could ever truly relate to them. In my own case over a lifetime I've been able to learn and mimic NT thinking sufficient to impersonate them for a limited amount of time. However I never came away with an illusion that I can truly relate as one of them.

 

[Emmett]

Then factor in that some traits are neurologically "hard-wired" for us. Where we may or may not have an ability to overcome them to the satisfaction of a social/neurological majority. Regardless of how open-minded or receptive we might be.

I can learn about alternate neurological processes in a mechanical sense, but this is no guarantee that I could ever truly relate to them. In my own case over a lifetime I've been able to learn and mimic NT thinking sufficient to impersonate them for a limited amount of time. However I never came away with an illusion that I can truly relate as one of them.

I don't have an experience that can allow me to relate to why a normal TV sound output would cause problems for an Aspie. Having said that, when the person tells me that the sound is bothering them, and explains all the Aspie reasons why it does, I'm able to empathize how this person would be suffering, so I'd make accommodations by either turning the sound way down, or using headphones.

I get that if you don't understand something to be painful, then you don't know to respond accordingly. But if someone tells you they're in pain, or they act in a way that says "I'm in pain", would you listen to what the person was telling you, and offer support? Or at least ask what the person needed?

 

[Ylva]

But if someone tells you they're in pain, or they act in a way that says "I'm in pain", would you listen to what the person was telling you, and offer support? Or at least ask what the person needed?

If I knew the person, or otherwise had no reason to believe they were trying to trick me. The exception is if there was a reason to think they didn't want help.