Clichés I get told in regards to love

[Markness]

1. “There is someone for everyone.”
- But why are there still people who go all their lives getting rejected and never establishing romantic relationships up to their deaths?

2. “Let love come to you!/Let it happen naturally!”
- Whenever I didn’t make the first move, I never got a date nor any sort of intimate relationship.

3. “It will happen when you least expect it!”
- I turned 34 recently and I’ve been struggling with hopelessness of ever finding love since I was 17. I really don’t understand the logic behind this saying.

I really get baffled and distraught when I am told these sayings. I feel like no one has gone through what I am having to deal with.

 

[Aspychata]

No. I explained there are many forum members that aren't in relationships. Nobody promises us relationships. Just because you exist, doesn't mean you are automatically granted a relationship. That's entitlement thinking. It doesn't happen that way. Just because l am a female, doesn't mean that l am entitled to a guy friend. I am considered date- able but it doesn't mean that l am entitled to anything. I probably have to work harder.

 

[Luca]

I’m convinced that I have never and will never find someone I’m compatible with, and I’ve made peace with that. This is definitely a reason I feel like I’m probably “aromantic”

 

[Slime_Punk]

Honestly, I'd embrace it at that point. If things get so incredibly difficult for me that I can't move on (I've definitely got my areas like this), I just kind of lean into the situation and make the most of it.

I used to think I wanted to be Mr. Sociable, but my crippling anxiety was just getting in the way of making friends. I'd complain about it on and on, rejecting peoples' advice, and pretending like the whole world was against me, etc. Well, when I finally leaned into it a few years ago I realized I could just make a bunch of friends online who actually have stuff in common with me, rather than trying to hang out with bumble[expletive] joe from my neck of the woods and still fulfill that genuine need for friends without having to do the dumb stuff involved / do things I'd rather be shot in the face than do based on other peoples' boring interests (yeah, I'm really that selfish).

It's not a hero's journey (probably the exact opposite, and you can call me a coward if you want), but I thrive in relative isolation and that's how I get my best work done. So honestly, who cares? Do what works for you.

Also, it's clear you've made the decision to stop trying. Personally, I think that's a brave move. If someone tells you the opposite, they just feel out of control when it comes to their own lives. We don't all have the same goals.

Now you can get on with life and do what actually matters to you.

 

[Markness]

No. I explained there are many forum members that aren't in relationships. Nobody promises us relationships. Just because you exist, doesn't mean you are automatically granted a relationship. That's entitlement thinking. It doesn't happen that way. Just because l am a female, doesn't mean that l am entitled to a guy friend. I am considered date- able but it doesn't mean that l am entitled to anything. I probably have to work harder.

I realize it won’t just happen. I just wish my efforts would pay off.

 

[MR TV]

I used to get into relationships with women all the time. Then,, at some point it dried up. I think if you hang out in an area where both sexes congregate (a nightclub, a bar!) eventually you'll meet someone. Or try going to a night club once a week and talking to 4 chicks a night. If you talk to enough people, eventually you'll meet someone that you click with.

 

[Aspychata]

I realize it won’t just happen. I just wish my efforts would pay off.

It's kinda of like puzzle pieces. Sometimes everything clicks. But a lot of times, we meet people, and there is no chemistry. It's nobody fault. It's better to keep trying. You may meet somebody tomorrow, or somebody next year, but you have to talk to woman, and keep trying.

 

[VictorR]

Hi Markness,

Continued and prolonged negativity about something can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. As noted before, please seek help for your depression / mental health.

In the meantime, I'd like to suggest you read this article on CBC: https://www.cbc.ca/parents/learning...lf-is-the-best-way-to-find-a-new-relationship

For your convenience, I'm including excerpts here. You'll notice that many of these concepts are the same ones that you've been given by many members here.

Being single — even with kids — has a ton of advantages. I have the autonomy and space to do what I like, how I like it. And I spend a lot of time getting to know myself — a nice perk if you were married in your twenties like me.

But being single — even for the best intentioned who know how to see the bright side, live in the moment and appreciate things for what they are — can sometimes still feel lonely at times.

It’s also nice to feel like there’s someone else on your team from the time you wake up until you fall asleep at night.

It can feel really frustrating to be on my own. It’s in being alone that I begin to have feelings of longing, and the questions start: “When will I ever find this person? Oh man, will I ever find this person?”

And it’s in those same moments when I can feel a bit like I’m in a temporary state of desperation, frantically focusing on how to find the perfect partner. I feel like many people can relate, because who likes to feel lonely?

For me, this has been a genuine challenge. I’ve thought a lot about it.

So if you’re feeling these things, you’re not alone. But I think I’ve figured out a simple way to erase that sense of longing, and focus more on living my best life.

Be The Best

If you want to find the perfect partner, I realized: I need to be the perfect partner.

I decided that the best way to attract a partner I’ve been dreaming of is to focus on building up my own life into something that I loved wholly and was very proud of.

Because when I meet someone who is quite content in their own life, I can feel the confidence and sense of self-assuredness beaming out of them effortlessly. And it’s when I allowed myself to get to that deep level of self-acceptance that I found myself surrounded by people who felt similarly.

A New Focus

I focus on what makes me happy. I try to exude qualities I want to see in others, and I participate in hobbies and weekend activities alone and with the family that make me feel like myself — untethered.

And I don’t think any of that is conditional on having a partner. Rather, having an unapologetically honest awareness of who I am is exactly what I believe draws the right people into my life at the right time.

Make A List

Think about all the qualities you value in a loving partner: Loyalty? Humour? Sense of safety? Purpose-lead and intention-driven?

I made a list of the qualities and values I most crave in a partner, describing on paper who I’d love to be with. I basically was creating them out of thin air.

I went back over the list, and asked myself: “Do I embody each of these qualities myself?”

When the answer was no, I had to think of how I could do so on my own. I raised my own expectations of how I am, and how I want to show up in the world.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Work on yourself. Build confidence and happiness from within. Being folorn, depressed etc. isn't going to attract anyone, and anyone it did attract would probably do more harm than good.

If you're making self improvements, feeling good in yourself because of it, taking good care of how you are, how you look etc. Then this may well start to attract attention.

Mind you, getting attention and knowing what to do with it are 2 different things. The way I look gets a lot of attention from women, but I never really strike up conversations with women who do such things. Besides, how I met Meg was at a time when I was adament that I wanted to remain single and focus on where I wanted to get to in life. So that second point you brought up rings kind of true. Things can come along when you least expect them to.

You have to remember though, that when someone does show interest in you, take time to get to know them. Most of us date a lot of incompatible people. Just ask any single person or divorcee. Whilst it's easy to get caught up and lost in the euphoria of someone liking you - it's best to be prudent and get to know them well before things go further.

Ed

 

[Au Naturel]

1. “There is someone for everyone.”
- But why are there still people who go all their lives getting rejected and never establishing romantic relationships up to their deaths?

2. “Let love come to you!/Let it happen naturally!”
- Whenever I didn’t make the first move, I never got a date nor any sort of intimate relationship.

3. “It will happen when you least expect it!”
- I turned 34 recently and I’ve been struggling with hopelessness of ever finding love since I was 17. I really don’t understand the logic behind this saying.

I really get baffled and distraught when I am told these sayings. I feel like no one has gone through what I am having to deal with.

It is all well-meaning nonsense meant to make people feel better and have hope. You're absolutely right. None of them has gone through what you are having to deal with. They can only repeat the lessons they learned from Disney cartoons and romance novels.

Since they aren't in your shoes they can't see how absurd the advice is. But it is well-meaning, so there's no point in getting angry at them for their limitations.

 

[Suzanne]

I feel that those sayings are said without any thought at all most often and because they want to do a sort of: there, there, it will be alright.

But, a loose way, there is someone for someone out there and countless times it actually has been proved; even well into one's aging process.

It is also true to a certain extent about one who goes looking, won't find and so forth. I did not go looking, because I considered myself unmarriagable, due to having a sense of being a complicated person and deeply ugly. But, it did come to me, without me making any effort and have been married now for 31 years.

Being 34 is not the end of your life! I know ones who got married at 50 and beyond. And it was unexpected.

But, again, when it is stated to one who is bemoaning their situation, it just seems to be a passifier rather than a genuine want to be of assistance and it does absolve the person from any more suggestions.

 

[Darkkin]

I really get baffled and distraught when I am told these sayings. I feel like no one has gone through what I am having to deal with.

This statement really takes a pretty significant swipe at the preceived empathy of anyone who takes time to reply. As if they are deliberately designing a response to elicit confusion and hurt because they cannot comprehend what another is experiencing. (Isolated incidents do occur, but for the most part people do actually understand to certain extent.)

Akin to a kid getting a good book for Christmas, but the kid looks at Mom and saying, 'I didn't want this, I wanted a PS5. Why didn't you give me the PS5.' When in reality all Mom could afford was the book. Nevermind that Mom put in time and effort to find a book her kid would probably like, had he bothered to look at it and read a few pages.

Mom takes the blame for having failed and not worked hard enough to please the child.

Clichés are clichés because they are widespread and commonly acknowledged to function in the way described, it is not a custom built solution for a pretty common situation. And surprisingly a significant number of people actually know what they're talking about because they've done the work instead of picking the advice they were given to pieces.

If it doesn't fit, set it aside, and move on. The advice isn't given out of malice and needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It is not designed to be salt in a bleeding wound.

Fear of giving offense no matter how carefully, how kindly constructed replies are can make for an eggshell conversation every time and that can get very wearing on anyone trying to help.

Write the advice you need and take steps to act on it because no one else can do it for you.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

1. “There is someone for everyone.”
- But why are there still people who go all their lives getting rejected and never establishing romantic relationships up to their deaths?

2. “Let love come to you!/Let it happen naturally!”
- Whenever I didn’t make the first move, I never got a date nor any sort of intimate relationship.

3. “It will happen when you least expect it!”
- I turned 34 recently and I’ve been struggling with hopelessness of ever finding love since I was 17. I really don’t understand the logic behind this saying.

I really get baffled and distraught when I am told these sayings. I feel like no one has gone through what I am having to deal with.

I think all three of these statements do have some kernel of truth to them. These are old sayings coming from a generation that did not have computers, cell phones, and dating apps,...I think the mindset here was more about "relaxing and not worrying about it", that there are "a lot of fish in the sea", but also consider the context and perspective here. We HAD to be social. When we wanted to talk to a friend, we rarely picked up the phone,...we physically met each other. If we wanted to meet a potential love interest, we physically had to meet people at bars, night clubs, grocery stores, college campuses, gyms, church, social events,...where ever there were many people to interact with. As a guy,...99% of the time we were rejected,...1% of the time we were successful in finding a partner that would tolerate us for a single date,...and the odds went down from there if it were a longer-term relationship. So,...you had to meet A LOT of people. You definitely could not be a "shut in". But also, with those odds,...once you found someone,...you really worked at the relationship to keep them around,...context and perspective,...this was the 70's and 80's,...divorce was rare and taboo,...and if you were over 30 and single you probably weren't going to find anyone, ever. Most people who were going to be married and have families did it and were done having 3, 4, 5 children by their mid-20's. It was a whole different thing.

Now, having said that, your whole persona had to be "bright, cheery, outgoing, self-confident",...and not depressed. Coming off as depressed, "low energy", self-degrading, anti-social, etc., is a complete turn off, and most people, if they are reading that sort of verbal and non-verbal language won't come within 10 feet of you.

So, when someone says, "It will happen naturally, when you least expect it." this is more of the case when you are relaxed, being yourself, and not masking (trying to be a show off, or someone you're not really). When people see you for who you are,...AND like you,...then that's a great situation to be in. My wife definitely "found me",...I was absolutely clueless,...she had to make the first move. That said,...I was myself,...I was not "fronting",...I was not pursuing her. She more or less knew what she was getting into.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Those clichés hide the work that it takes. You answered these yourself.

Whenever I didn’t make the first move, I never got a date nor any sort of intimate relationship.

Bingo! Those of us in relationships had to take steps to engage with others, whatever the anxiety that produced. Plus, we worked to demonstrate that we were worthwhile relationship material with potential. A woman who has invested in herself is not going to be attracted to a man who does not do likewise.

The world will not gift you a companion, but you may encounter one and need to recognize her and be able to generate interest. Gawd knows, I am no hunk and needed my competence with interests and enjoyment of life to sell myself.

 

[Jordy]

1. “There is someone for everyone.”
- But why are there still people who go all their lives getting rejected and never establishing romantic relationships up to their deaths?

2. “Let love come to you!/Let it happen naturally!”
- Whenever I didn’t make the first move, I never got a date nor any sort of intimate relationship.

3. “It will happen when you least expect it!”
- I turned 34 recently and I’ve been struggling with hopelessness of ever finding love since I was 17. I really don’t understand the logic behind this saying.

I really get baffled and distraught when I am told these sayings. I feel like no one has gone through what I am having to deal with.

People who keep telling you those things with no regards for how it makes you feel to have all your emotions and experiences dismissed are essentially bullying you.

 

[Alaric593]

I realize it won’t just happen. I just wish my efforts would pay off.

Our efforts done for the wrong reasons might as well have never happened in the first place.

I can think of a handful of instances max in which the effort I put in for the wrong reasons produced an outcome analogous to the point of the effort.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and the guest talked about why the saying nice guys finish last and distinguished between a nice guy and a kind guy.

A nice guy will say and do whatever they believe the woman(or man) wants as a tactic to get what they themselves want. This is creepy and most can see it when it's happening because it doesn't come off as genuine.

A kind guy does what the nice guy does but does it because it is what ought to be done regardless of whether they're given any reward or relationship for doing it.

 

[Darkkin]

Advice on the internet is on the internet for a reason. It's free, but assuming it is going to work without trial and error, instantly, or without effort is often a problem that gets blamed on the advice instead of the methodology and appropriateness of said advice to the situation.

Read the label, read the directions, and approach with a grain of salt. Be prepared to adapt or develop a strategy that is unique to the circumstances at hand.

If the methodology is ignored often it is the advice that gets blamed because expectations were not aligned with the methodology.

Basically:

What you put in is what you put out. Hyperfixate on only the negative and that is exactly what others see, and how others preceive us has a huge impact on how and if they chose to engage with us.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My older brother got married, still do not know how he did it or what she saw in him closest analogy is Sheldon getting married, or even more Paul DIrac getting married. I wish I had an answer for you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Advice on the internet is on the internet for a reason. It's free, but assuming it is going to work without trial and error, instantly, or without effort is often a problem that gets blamed on the advice instead of the methodology and appropriateness of said advice to the situation.

Read the label, read the directions, and approach with a grain of salt. Be prepared to adapt or develop a strategy that is unique to the circumstances at hand.

If the methodology is ignored often it is the advice that gets blamed because expectations were not aligned with the methodology.

Basically:

What you put in is what you put out. Hyperfixate on only the negative and that is exactly what others see, and how others preceive us has a huge impact on how and if they chose to engage with us.

True, dat. Today, and even with the autonomy granted to women, the man is expected to make the approach, so how you come across is important. For those of us who are shy this was terrifying: another opportunity to be judged. Yet, my desire for connection and a relationship was stronger than the fear of a bruised ego. So, I started asking out women who were familiar with me and was happy with being treated well, even with a kind rejection. Finally took the leap with somebody entirely new (for a specific goal - to travel together to a Sierra Club trip) and I was expecting nothing to result. It was thrilling to meet somebody accepting of me.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

That's how it approached my future wife knocked on her bedroom door in my rooming house, I ran asked if she would be willing to accompany me in watching my cousin playing in a band in bar. I quess you could call that a first date.
When she first moved in she was putting together a Ikea dresser. So I just helped her put it together before her parents left after dropping off her stuff, I got to know her a bit.