Every guy is going to be different, but with me,...
My first interaction with my wife. We met freshman year at the university: Step 1: In biology lecture, some 200 students in a lecture, she decides the "drop the pencil" at my feet move. Sure enough, I bend over to pick up the pencil, I look up, and there she is, staring at me with her big brown eyes. Cute, but there are other cute girls, and I am focused upon the lecture. Step 2: The "eye contact from across the room" move. Cafeteria, chemistry lecture, biology lecture, and just being a bit of a stalker, but in a subtle way, being in the general vicinity and then catching my eye from far away. Again, those big brown eyes working their magic. Give that several days. Step 3: The "send a friend over to talk to me" move. We had some common acquaintances, so just send one of them my way and mention her name and which dormitory she lives in. Step 4: My move. Stop at the front desk of the dormitory, obtain a phone number for some girl with her name that lives there. Then, call the
wrong girl with the same name and start up a conversation only for her to realize its actually some other girl down the hallway I am describing.
Funny, but she was a "good sport" about it. Finally, call number two, I get the right girl. Awkward conversation ensues. She meets me down in the lobby and we go for a walk. After that, we were inseparable,...almost 38 years now.
Now, for the most part, I have "alpha" type personality qualities. I am quiet, but firm in my convictions. I don't like it when I see people having self-esteem issues, so I always try to "build them up". I am a positive person, in general. I want to help whenever possible. I strongly believe in a male "code of conduct". Strong work ethic. I am responsible to a fault. She had a father that was also this way, but more of a neurotypical extrovert. Two brothers and a father that ended up being engineers, a mother that was an accountant. So, she was attracted to people with intellect, and someone who was going to be supportive of her in every way. We were both "health sciences" majors at the university, so we had some of the same classes, hung around with some of the same people, etc.
If there was any sort of difficulties we had to go through, it was (1) the communication thing where I am horrible with "small talk", but if we had something in common it was OK. So, she had to get used to "quiet time" and just read or do something on her own to keep her mind occupied, and (2) she had to convert from "indirect language" to "direct language" because I would get confused with "round-about" ways of trying to make me understand via "hints" and "questions". Both of us would get frustrated. It took us a while to sort it out. The other thing (3) was that she was a "late bloomer" in the sense that she grew up sort of an awkward, low self-esteem, "geeky" teenager, and even though she was a young beautiful woman, she still saw that teenager in the mirror. Whenever, I would interact with another female, she was immediately threatened by that. It took me a while to understand what was going on with her. Eventually, as I kept working on reassuring her, building her confidence in herself, being her "rock" that she could depend upon, etc., it finally morphed her into a strong, independent, intelligent woman that she is. We can do our own things, make our own money, neither of us are financially dependent upon each other, and love is what keeps us together. Neither of us is "trapped" in some sort of dependency, so I know the love is real.
So, knowing what I know now:
1. You can make your intentions clear, but you can also relax a bit, because even if he wants to reciprocate that interest, it may take him some time to warm up to the idea.
2. A fair percentage of us grew up with bad interactions with people that we should have been able to trust, family and "friends". The communication styles and interactions can be different and difficult to interpret. We tend to be socially naive in the sense we often have "mind blindness" and have difficulty with understanding "intent". We often have trust issues. Just be direct. We aren't likely going to be able to "read between the lines". Don't ever say to yourself,
"He should know,..." NO. You pretty much have to be direct and very clear. No ambiguity.
3. Expect a lot of "quiet moments". Grab a book, your computer, redirect yourself toward your own special interests. My wife and I can discuss important things like finances, the kids, the house, work, etc. We can discuss "things and ideas", but I am NOT interested in people, emotions, and relationships. I've got nothing to add to that conversation. Sure, I will listen to her, but that's about it. I have told my wife, if you really need to have those conversations, you discuss them with your girlfriends. She does. She has regular times where she gets together with her girlfriends and that's a great thing for her. I know my limitations and if there are certain topics she needs or wants to talk about, and I am not that person, then I encourage her to talk to her friends. Totally cool with that.
4. Special interests. That's a "thing" you have to get used to. It consumes our thoughts and we will often try to redirect the conversation towards our special interests. Here's the thing. It is highly likely you are NOT going to be interested in any of it. You will find yourself nodding your head with a clueless mind. You won't understand. Special interests are not "hobbies" with "passing knowledge". We spend money, time, research, etc. It involves quite a bit of invasive, intrusive thoughts to the point of frustration where we can't get our minds off of it. Sleep is lost. We take "deep dives" down to the molecular level. We will eventually exhaust all of the available knowledge on that topic, our minds get bored, then we move onto the next special interest. I have had many special interests, sometimes more than one at a time. I have spent thousands of dollars on them over the years.
Hope this gives you some perspective.
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