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Xinyta

Xinyta

♡Goofy genderfluid person♡ They/Them/She/Her 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I only perceive poison in everything. But it's not bitterness in the world. It's bitterness in myself for accepting these lies, as truth. I, long ago, shackled myself in selfishness. Yet was blind to it all, like a ignorant bug willingly flying into the web of a spider. As time marched on, so past by my chances to be a person. It's a distant flicker now. An abyss between us.
    S
    Slime_Punk
    If I understand this correctly, I think learning from past mistakes means growth is taking place, and that can never be a bad thing :)
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    If there is a still a flicker,
    there is hope for a flame.

    preview-1977CAlJtrt30f_0008.jpg
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I do recognize the changes happening. Though I still feel trapped in someway yet. It's strange though that the only way I can express how I actually feel is only in this poetic wording, if you could call it poetic.

    It doesn't help though that I had a beer 30 minutes before bed and stayed up till 2:00am practically.
    Xinyta
    I've updated the look of Azeth. This is a bit more fitting.

    18cc32761b878-4cc15952508DD599F9D.24CB3117642312FD_message_436244738426051_1704081009476.webp
    18cc32c3ef970-4cc15952508DD599F9D.24CB3117642312FD_message_436244729041711_1704080972819.webp
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    In some sense Azeth is me, yes. Though it's strictly in spirit. My physical is obviously different.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    To put it another way. Azeth is a fantasized/idealized version of myself. I may share a similar physique with my OC, but not much else. I guess they are my feeling of gender fluidity.
    Xinyta
    Even if you don't celebrate, find something that makes you happy. Find something that brings you hope. If you hold on to that. The new year can bring new life to your desires.
    Xinyta
    I'm considering getting rid of my videogames entirely, along with any game consoles I've held on to. I feeling like fully removing that component from my life will maybe help with everything else. I am still trying to convince myself to do it.
    View previous comments…
    tree
    tree
    What problem is it that you have identified?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    It involves my self-loathing, which tossing out or playing videogames will not fix.

    I've got deeper problems which involve preconceived notions from childhood. The short version is that my want for a mother evolved into resentment and hate after living with my stepmother. Letting go is the issue.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    So easy to say but hard to do. I suffer from that and l am way old,(meteorite old). I bought a huge sticker that says *Let that Go. And it came with a Buddha sticker also. I have to look at this everyday.
    Xinyta
    I am feeling depressed today. Not severely so, but I can tell I am not feeling all the best.
    Xinyta
    It's amazing how much of a first instinct it is to rely on negative mechanisms one uses to escape/cope. Especailly when you spent 20+ years of your life using them, like myself. It's very hard to deter. However I'm becoming more aware of it.
    Xinyta
    I've come to see that what's easy isn't helping me free myself from my tormented cycle.

    Anything worth doing is going to be hard.

    For my own happiness, it's worth fighting for.
    tree
    tree
    The book, A Guide to Rational Living, mentions a notable non-rational belief that does people no good:

    *I can achieve maximum happiness by inertia and inaction or by passively enjoying myself*

    Realizing that effort may be required is a useful step toward functionality.
    Xinyta
    20231108_114307.webp


    My most recent drawing of Sadist. No idea if I'll color it or add some more to drawing yet.
    Xinyta
    302048-nature.jpg

    Sometimes we need to be reminded of the beauty of the natural world. It's autumn. Leaves are falling. So many nice colors.
    Xinyta
    How has everyone been fairing? Me? I have been having difficulties still with sudden panic. I have built in alot of self-harming programming to self sabotage with anything life related over a large chunk of my life. Easy daily things up to actual tedious/hard tasks. This does tell me two things. I have GAD. But more importantly, I have a maturity issue both mentally and emotionally.
    Xinyta
    I've spent alot of time getting myself together. And in truth, I have alot of things I do every day that have hampered my ability to better myself. One is a constant expectation for everything to somehow go wrong, then getting yelled at or talked down to for my mistake. I have been taking a look at possibly have GAD again in light of everything. Panic where nothing is happening to cause it.
    Xinyta
    Letting go is not an easy thing, when you put yourself in years of programming. 27 years of it for me. You start to forget why you are in this position to begin with. However, I have begun addressing what I didn't wish to address originally.
    Xinyta
    No matter what life throws at you, mistakes can be fixed. You can move past them. But if you fail yourself, that is damage that lasts a lifetime. NEVER fail yourself.
    Xinyta
    This clip is the embodiment of encountering something both confusing and uncomfortable lol

    Xinyta
    Feeling particularly good tonight. Hanging out eatting some tortilla chips and some of the salsa that my Uncle and I jarred last year. Plus side to that is that we know what's in it and it's garden fresh.
    Xinyta
    For the first time in my life, I took back control from my overwhelmed state. Let pass my negative thoughts, and avoided saying that I can't do it. I just proved that negative belief of not being able to do it wrong. But it's put into perspective how deeply rooted my default habits are. That it's going to take more than I've ever done to override my first instinct.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Sometimes when the negative thoughts over-roaded me, l then reminded myself of a list of my accomplishments. This really helps stop that negative critical voice that we have on the spectrum. There are alot of success stories at this site.
    Gerald Wilgus
    Gerald Wilgus
    BRAVO! Through Cognitive Processing Therapy I came to realize that much of my early dysfunction is the result of negative narratives of myself that I internalized. I had to recognize just how I was being triggered and what the beliefs are that had prevented me from growing past those negative lies. I hope you will replace the negative default habits with a positive view of yourself.
    Xinyta
    I'm not exactly in the best mood today. Getting a reminder AGAIN from my Uncle about how horrible my parents are and how kids of my relatives who are on the spectrum got taken care of better. All that does is make me jealous, reminding me like that.

    Though Idk if I am pissed at my Uncle, or my neglectful parents more.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I am often jealous of people like that too
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Honestly, It makes me think why did I get singled out to have horrible parents? How come I couldn't have caring parents? Why cause me all this suffering? What did I do to deserve it, other than existing?

    Then I think: "why did my bio mom not just abort me? She clearly didn't want me."
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Yeah there is so much suffering that seem meaningless. In this world many people experience things they don't deserve. I think of these things as meaningless, and that after death it will all be made right
    Xinyta
    Been having a bit of a rough day today.
    L
    Luca
    Sorry to hear that. I’m here if you need to vent to someone. I hope your day improves
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I appreciate it. Thankfully it not Soul crushingly bad, but I just have some things to figure out.

    Bad habits namely.
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    New day. New hope. Hopefully today is better.
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