21 & unable to date

[Simo9489]

not quite sure what to say, it took me a while to muster up the confidence to type this but here goes.. i'm Ryan, i'm 21 and I have no idea how to speak to women. I have tried everything to try and get out there and date, but when it comes to it I freeze up completely and my brain turns to mush... The area which I live also doesn't help my situation as there are no people at all in this area with the same interests as me... I also get very emotional when people talk about their relationships etc. So coming onto this forum and skimming through the dating post titles felt like a kick in the stomach and I don't know why. It's a very delicate issue for me and I desperately need help... It probably has something to do with my many years of constant rejection...

 

[tree]

Hi Simo9489

Who has been rejecting you?

Do you have any living female relatives?
If so, are you able to converse with them?

"I also get very emotional when people talk about their relationships..."
Where are you encountering people talking about their relationships?
What are the circumstances there?

 

[Simo9489]

Well in high school if I liked a girl I would obviously ask her out, but I live in a rough part of England where the people there are not too kind, so they would just laugh and make fun of me, and sometimes say stuff like "why would I date you, look at you".

Plenty, but i'm only close with my mum, who has never been able to give me advice about anything, through no lack of trying that is...

There are no circumstances, if I see someone talk about relationships, girlfriends, love my brain just goes insane and erupts with so much emotion that I begin to cry heh... I have also tried seeking professional help for this as I thought it'd help a lot, but thanks for the UK's excellent (not) health service, I am deemed well enough...

Also there was a recent incident were I told a girl I really liked her, but when she told me she wasn't interested, I exploded and yelled at her. I don't know why but I cannot control myself when I am like that...

 

[Simo9489]

And when I try to say 'hello' to a girl, every time they just straight up ignore me. What is it about me that women find so repulsive? am I really that ugly?

Why will no one reply to me? I don't understand, I must message over 10 girls a day and nothing. It makes me hate myself so much...

I just want someone to reply to me and give me a chance, i'm not a bad person...

 

[Simo9489]

Why will nobody help me?

 

[tree]

Why will nobody help me?

It sounds like you feel alone.
What sort of help do you want?

 

[tree]

And when I try to say 'hello' to a girl, every time they just straight up ignore me. What is it about me that women find so repulsive? am I really that ugly?

Why will no one reply to me? I don't understand, I must message over 10 girls a day and nothing. It makes me hate myself so much...

I just want someone to reply to me and give me a chance, i'm not a bad person...

It is not reasonable to hate yourself as a reaction to
females not responding to you.

 

[Simo9489]

It sounds like you feel alone.
What sort of help do you want?

I am, I ask my friends (well, what's left of them) for help, and even my family, and everytime they say "you need to help yourself", but what more can I do? Stalk these girls and force them to talk to me?

I just want to know why none of them will respond to me, what is it about me?

 

[Simo9489]

It is not reasonable to hate yourself as a reaction to
females not responding to you.

If I could control that I would, because I know it's not a reasonable reaction, but I just can't control it. My self esteem and confidence is literally non existent because of this and I don't know why, I guess my body and mind just really need the partnership... I hate being alone, i'm stuck in my bedroom all the time because I don't have any friends to go out with, and when I try to console with my mum she just says "sit down and watch tv". I'm just so helpless.

 

[Simo9489]

If I could end myself I would have by now too. I just don't have the guts...

 

[Simo9489]

All I need is help, but no one will help me.

 

[Simo9489]

Please, I need help, I don't know what to do anymore... i'm just pathetic...

 

[tree]

All I need is help, but no one will help me.

Where have you gone?
Who have you called?

What kind of help are you looking for?
Do you have a therapist?

 

[Simo9489]

Where have you gone?
Who have you called?

What kind of help are you looking for?
Do you have a therapist?

I've asked my friend and family members but they just tell me they can't help and then dismiss me. I have also tried many professional places in my area but for an unknown reason they won't help me. I have also tried seeking help for my aspergers specifically but there are no places near my area that specialise in autism.

What I need is help with my self esteem but the only way I have found where that can be helped is if I come into contact with a female who actually pays an interest in me. I know it sound ridiculous and farfetched but that's the only thing that has actually helped in the past.

I don't have a therapist either, I tried one a few years ago but all they had me do was answer questions and I got told to come back the week after and do the same again, which obviously isn't going to do anything (therapists party tricks don't work on me for some reason) so I didn't see the point in wasting both our time.

Oh, and whenever I have an outburst, which is very regular, my mum will pack up and leave for the night, which makes me feel worse because I have a fear of being alone.

My life is just one big viscous circle.

 

[Rayner]

Do you have a job or attending school? You sound like you really need an outlet to devote your time too. Maybe that would make you feel better

 

[Ste11aeres]

And when I try to say 'hello' to a girl, every time they just straight up ignore me. What is it about me that women find so repulsive? am I really that ugly?

Why will no one reply to me? I don't understand, I must message over 10 girls a day and nothing. It makes me hate myself so much...

I just want someone to reply to me and give me a chance, i'm not a bad person...

Are you referring to saying hello to a girl whom you know, or whom you don't know? In the latter situation, it is normal for a girl to ignore a guy. We do it as a self-protection mechanism.
It has nothing to do with how good-looking or ugly the guy is, it is simply a self-protection thing in regards to guys who are complete strangers, and whose intentions we don't know. Understand that a lot of the guys who approach women, a lot of them are total creeps with bad intentions, and even if you aren't like that, us women often have no sure way of knowing who is in which category (creep vs decent guy) so we play it safe.

You message over 10 girls a day? Don't you think maybe you're a bit too obsessed with this? You should find something else to devote your time and thoughts to.

I think the obsession is part of why girls don't respond to you. When someone has that kind of need for a relationship, a need where their whole self image depends on the relationship, most other people don't want to be part of that kind of relationship. Why not. Because there's too much pressure. And most people think "If things go wrong and I break up with him, he will be so devastated. It's better not to start a relationship in the first place, instead of starting one that I won't be able to leave without devastating a fragile person."

 

[Simo9489]

Are you referring to saying hello to a girl whom you know, or whom you don't know? In the latter situation, it is normal for a girl to ignore a guy. We do it as a self-protection mechanism.
It has nothing to do with how good-looking or ugly the guy is, it is simply a self-protection thing in regards to guys who are complete strangers, and whose intentions we don't know. Understand that a lot of the guys who approach women, a lot of them are total creeps with bad intentions, and even if you aren't like that, us women often have no sure way of knowing who is in which category (creep vs decent guy) so we play it safe.

You message over 10 girls a day? Don't you think maybe you're a bit too obsessed with this? You should find something else to devote your time and thoughts to.

I think the obsession is part of why girls don't respond to you. When someone has that kind of need for a relationship, a need where their whole self image depends on the relationship, most other people don't want to be part of that kind of relationship. Why not. Because there's too much pressure. And most people think "If things go wrong and I break up with him, he will be so devastated. It's better not to start a relationship in the first place, instead of starting one that I won't be able to leave without devastating a fragile person."

Guess i'll be alone forever then hm... Thanks for the fantastic support there.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Guess i'll be alone forever then hm... Thanks for the fantastic support there.

I don't think you really understood my post.

 

[Judge]

I think the obsession is part of why girls don't respond to you. When someone has that kind of need for a relationship, a need where their whole self image depends on the relationship, most other people don't want to be part of that kind of relationship. Why not. Because there's too much pressure. And most people think "If things go wrong and I break up with him, he will be so devastated. It's better not to start a relationship in the first place, instead of starting one that I won't be able to leave without devastating a fragile person."

Yes. The emotionally needier one appears, the more likely they will be dismissed out of hand. And it's not anything confined to one neurology or another. You just can't project the image of someone who wants it all on the spot. It just doesn't happen that way. In most cases, they'll simply run away from you. As she posted, it promotes too much pressure to the person you may project such neediness to.

Formal "dates" and all the rituals that go with "courting" just weren't for me. By my late teens I became focused only on the friendship of the opposite sex and little else. I'm pretty sure that not projecting any sense of neediness actually helped me in that on a few occasions those good, honest friendships developed into something more. For me, this dynamic is pretty much the only one that lead to actual relationships.

It's all I've ever really had. I don't feel sorry for myself in this way. I just accept my limitations and try to emotionally work with what I have rather than what I don't have. Without giving mixed or wrong messages at the outset of people I meet that I really like.

 

[Simo9489]

Yes. The emotionally needier one appears, the more likely they will be dismissed out of hand. And it's not anything confined to one neurology or another. You just can't project the image of someone who wants it all on the spot. It just doesn't happen that way. In most cases, they'll simply run away from you. As she posted, it promotes too much pressure to the person you may project such neediness to.

Formal "dates" and all the rituals that go with "courting" just weren't for me. By my late teens I became focused only on the friendship of the opposite sex and little else. I'm pretty sure that not projecting any sense of neediness actually helped me in that on a few occasions those good, honest friendships developed into something more. For me, this dynamic is pretty much the only one that lead to actual relationships.

It's all I've ever really had. I don't feel sorry for myself in this way. I just accept my limitations and try to emotionally work with what I have rather than what I don't have. Without giving mixed or wrong messages at the outset of people I meet that I really like.

I really don't understand how this is meant to help... if anything I feel worse now, thanks. And here I was thinking this forum could actually help. But I was wrong again, as I always am. Also, you're talking like I am able to control how my body and mind feels, I can't, i've never been able to. So please don't push that bs on me, people try to do it all the time and it just makes everything worse.