21 & unable to date

[NothingToSeeHere]

About freezing when you talk to girls, do you have the same problem talking to men? It seems to me like you might be fixating to much on "OMG I'm talking to a girl what do I do", it might help to instead think of it like: "I am talking to a fellow human being, we both have upsets and anxieties, we are both human to we must have something in common to talk about"

About saying hello to girls and being ignored, so context would be useful here, in what situations is this happening?

You say therapists tricks don't work on you, for how long have you stuck with one therapist? and how many different psychologists/ psychological methods do you have experience with?

Disclaimer: I'm 25 and have never been on a date, I have no personal experience with romantic relationships, I just have spent a lot of time people watching and have experience overcoming severe social anxiety and learning how to interact with people.

 

[Simo9489]

When someone has that kind of need for a relationship, a need where their whole self image depends on the relationship, most other people don't want to be part of that kind of relationship.

well you're kinda asking me to change my whole brain chemistry there bud....

 

[Judge]

I really don't understand how this is meant to help... if anything I feel worse now, thanks. And here I was thinking this forum could actually help. But I was wrong again, as I always am. Also, you're talking like I am able to control how my body and mind feels, I can't, i've never been able to. So please don't push that bs on me, people try to do it all the time and it just makes everything worse.

There are no easy answers to such a complicated thing. In most cases we can only tell you what works in our own cases.

There isn't likely to be some master answer. Keep in mind we're mostly Aspies ourselves here, with our own history of social anxiety. And a tendency to be blunt. We aren't therapists- or diplomats. But we will tell you our own truths.

Being friendly to people without any obvious expectations is likely to put you in a better place than if you appear overtly needy. Be yourself, just try not have all those expectations at the outset.

 

[Ste11aeres]

well you're kinda asking me to change my whole brain chemistry there bud....

It's an Aspie-obsessiveness. And I understand. Most of us here have that kind of obsessiveness.
But it's still the truth that most people get scared away from that, and nothing we can do will change that truth.
The only thing I can advise is to get started on something else to take up time and mental energy. I don't know what, but find something. ANd maybe, just maybe, some of that mental obsessiveness might transfer over into the new activity.

 

[Simo9489]

It seems to me like you might be fixating to much on "OMG I'm talking to a girl what do I do", it might help to instead think of it like: "I am talking to a fellow human being, we both have upsets and anxieties, we are both human to we must have something in common to talk about"

But that's just how I feel, I can't just snap my fingers and change the way I think/feel. Why does everybody here assume that I can do that?

 

[Ste11aeres]

But that's just how I feel, I can't just snap my fingers and change the way I think/feel. Why does everybody here assume that I can do that?

I know you can't. Most of us are the same way. But you can start to get involved in some non-girl-related activity. Even if it initially hurts to do so and is hard to do so.

 

[Simo9489]

It's an Aspie-obsessiveness. And I understand. Most of us here have that kind of obsessiveness.
But it's still the truth that most people get scared away from that, and nothing we can do will change that truth.
The only thing I can advise is to get started on something else to take up time and mental energy. I don't know what, but find something. ANd maybe, just maybe, some of that mental obsessiveness might transfer over into the new activity.

I don't find pleasure in anything anymore so I can't do that.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I don't find pleasure in anything anymore so I can't do that.

You don't find pleasure now. But that can change in the future. Even if it seems like that can't change, it can. The lack of current pleasure is why it will initially be painful to try a new activity. But that unpleasantness can change.

 

[Judge]

But that's just how I feel, I can't just snap my fingers and change the way I think/feel. Why does everybody here assume that I can do that?

We don't. Like anything else, you have to work at it...unfortunately with no guarantees. Nothing is instant.

I wasn't even aware I was on the spectrum until my mid 50s! At least you're young...with plenty of time to address and adjust to what you find you can or cannot change.

 

[Simo9489]

But that unpleasantness can change.

Fantastic, but how?

 

[Simo9489]

We don't. Like anything else, you have to work at it...unfortunately with no guarantees. Nothing is instant.

I wasn't even aware I was on the spectrum until my mid 50s! At least you're young...with plenty of time to address and adjust to what you find you can or cannot change.

Been working at it for years, haven't gotten anywhere, if anything i've managed to get worse.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

But that's just how I feel, I can't just snap my fingers and change the way I think/feel. Why does everybody here assume that I can do that?

I don't think you can snap your fingers and change, I think that you can work at it for days and weeks and months and eventually your thought patterns and feeling will change. That is how psychology works, you can't just take a pill and everything will be better (although pills can help cope with symptoms of mental illness) it take lots and lots of time and effort.

 

[Simo9489]

I don't think you can snap your fingers and change, I think that you can work at it for days and weeks and months and eventually your thought patterns and feeling will change. That is how psychology works, you can't just take a pill and everything will be better (although pills can help cope with symptoms of mental illness) it take lots and lots of time and effort.

I have been working at it for years, but as I just said, i've just gotten worse

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

What sort of things have you been trying? And (to repeat a question from my original reply) how many different psychologists/ psychological methods do you have experience with and for how long?

 

[Simo9489]

What sort of things have you been trying? And (to repeat a question from my original reply) how many different psychologists/ psychological methods do you have experience with and for how long?

Going through my problems in my head and trying to figure it out myself, but that just messed me up more, so I can't help myself. About 4/5, my first one was when I was 16 and he helped a lot. The others I saw when I was 18+ and they were dreadful, I missed 1 singular appointment with each one and each time I did that they discontinued my care, even though it was due to being too anxious to leave the house. My first one was fine because he was across from my old high school so I just went after school.

 

[Judge]

Been working at it for years, haven't gotten anywhere, if anything i've managed to get worse.

When it comes to initially establishing intimate relationships it's pretty much a constant that the harder you try, the less likely they will succeed. It may not make sense, but it's simply a behavioral reality. Once you get into an actual relationship, then it does indeed take hard work to maintain it. Assuming of course you know what you need to work on. I didn't at the time...since I and my girlfriends were completely unaware of how different our neurological profiles were.

For me when I downgraded the whole process to merely friendships, things slowly began to fall in place for me. I was still just being myself- quirks and all, but wasn't projecting emotional neediness so I wasn't scaring women off. Quite the contrary, I became friends with women I thought wouldn't have otherwise even noticed me. Because I was projecting something that had no threat or anxiety level to them- friendship. Not love or sex. And for a few of them, those friendships eventually developed into something more.

For a long time I took meds to control my own social anxiety issues. For me just talking to people was tough without getting really nervous. It still is. So I know what it's like to deal with traits and behaviors you perceive to be beyond your control. It happens. We aren't suggesting they don't. In essence there are things that can help...but don't expect any kind of "cure". Sometimes you just have to accept your own shortcomings and do the best you can...even if at times you fall on your face.

 

[Simo9489]

For me when I downgraded the whole process to merely friendships, things slowly began to fall in place for me.

Again, you're asking me to change the way I view things. It isn't as simple as that.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Going through my problems in my head and trying to figure it out myself, but that just messed me up more, so I can't help myself. About 4/5, my first one was when I was 16 and he helped a lot. The others I saw when I was 18+ and they were dreadful, I missed 1 singular appointment with each one and each time I did that they discontinued my care, even though it was due to being too anxious to leave the house. My first one was fine because he was across from my old high school so I just went after school.

I might be misunderstanding here but "going through problems in your head" sounds like exactly the wrong thing to do! Fixating on problems and over thinking things is exactly the sort of thing that my psychologist always told me not to do! Unfortunately the NHS cannot afford to waste money of people who miss appointments *shrug* but if you say the one you saw when you were younger helped, why do you say that therapists "tricks" don't work on you?

 

[Judge]

Again, you're asking me to change the way I view things. It isn't as simple as that.

Nothing is simple. But it's impossible if you're not willing to even try.

Part of life is accepting that "sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield".

You can't have life meet you on exactly the terms you want. It just doesn't work that way. Sometimes you must put one foot forward even if it's in a direction that is outside your comfort level. And if you try in earnest and fail, sometimes you simply have to back off and go in another direction. There are no guarantees.

 

[Simo9489]

I might be misunderstanding here but "going through problems in your head" sounds like exactly the wrong thing to do! Fixating on problems and over thinking things is exactly the sort of thing that my psychologist always told me not to do! Unfortunately the NHS cannot afford to waste money of people who miss appointments *shrug* but if you say the one you saw when you were younger helped, why do you say that therapists "tricks" don't work on you?

Well what else am I supposed to do to help myself? The only way to get better is to help yourself and if I can't do that then what point is there? But it was due to anxiety, what do they want me to do? Waste both our times by me coming in and not being able to answer any questions? Because I was an adolescent, my mind wasn't fully developed so I was easily manipulated.