31 and never dated

[BradT]

I'm 31 years old and I never dated. I don't socialize with women that much and I never asked any woman out. I try to take care of myself physically. What could be the problem? For the neurotypical here and aspie women, what could be holding me back?

 

[SusanLR]

Do you really want to?
I didn't.
I finally was asked out and accepted for my first date at age 23.
Not that I was really caring, but, I thought I might as well and see how it went.
It went. South!
Socialising has just never meant that much to me.
You will have to examine your feelings and motives neutrally if you feel something is holding you back.
Find what does hold you back without feeling pressured by others or beliefs that you need to
have dated by a certain age.

Good luck. You'll find the answer within.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Well if you've never asked anyone out I'm guessing that's the reason you've never dated.

You haven't really given us any information so I'm just going to throw random thoughts out there.

Do you want to ask women out? Some people genuinely have no interest in romantic relationships beneath the cultural pressure to do so. Or maybe you'd rather ask men out? Maybe you do want a romantic relationship but you've just never met anyone you want a relationship with? Maybe you like the idea of women but actual women just annoy you? Maybe you have anxiety which is stopping you from interacting with women? Maybe you have depression which is sapping all your motivation to socialise and date? Maybe you are too lazy to get up and work to achieve your goals? Maybe you don't have any goals to begin with? I could go on and on...

 

[BradT]

Well, I'm quite naturally and women I think are nervous about that for some reason.

 

[Juliettaa]

Well, I'm quite naturally and women I think are nervous about that for some reason.

I assume you mean that you're naturally quiet? If so, being quiet/introverted in itself doesn't put people/women off.

The issue may be around your social life and lack of opportunity to meet like minded people.

Your posts give very little away, so in order for you to receive helpful and constructive responses, be specific about your lifestyle, work, interests, hobbies and then you're bound to get some helpful tips.

 

[BradT]

I assume you mean that you're naturally quiet? If so, being quiet/introverted in itself doesn't put people/women off.

The issue may be around your social life and lack of opportunity to meet like minded people.

Your posts give very little away, so in order for you to receive helpful and constructive responses, be specific about your lifestyle, work, interests, hobbies and then you're bound to get some helpful tips.

Yea quite, my bad.

 

[Juliettaa]

Yea quite, my bad.

 

[BradT]

quiet finally got it right lol.

 

[Trophonius]

That may seem quiet a long time for a NT, but it shouldn't mean much among us. Do you want to date at all?

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

i'm 27 & i dated someone,until one string of heartbreaks from her after another changed everything every other couple i see out on the street reminds me of what myself & this girl used to be:a cute couple.i'm not open to dating NT women because of how every aspie like myself in the world is looked upon by them,as well as how we appear to them upon eye-contact & i hate it so much.that's why i prefer female aspies.

 

[Judge]

I'm 31 years old and I never dated. I don't socialize with women that much and I never asked any woman out. I try to take care of myself physically. What could be the problem? For the neurotypical here and aspie women, what could be holding me back?

At that age I had only had a single date. A blind one set up for me by someone trying to do me a kindness. It went predictably bad, too.

The problem? For some of us, the very institution of dating is simply "over-the-top". A weird combination of rituals, social behaviors, and expectations requiring a certain degree of deceit that some of us on the spectrum simply cannot conform to.

For me the answer was always the same. To avoid dating altogether, and simply settle for making friends of the opposite sex. With a possibility that in some cases, a friendship might develop into something more. Something that on rare occasion did in fact happen. Where there were no ridiculous expectations, rituals or deceitful acts to get in the way or be misunderstood. A scenario where I could be myself, for better or worse. And with a strict understanding that not every friendship meant a possibility of love.

That said, I've only had five intimate relationships in my life. In hindsight they all failed largely given my traits and behaviors that neither they or myself understood at the time. But at least I had them for a time.

In essence to the OP's question, there ARE alternatives. Hang in there, Brad.

 

[Bolletje]

Socializing with women would be a good start. It’ll make you more comfortable around them once you get used to it. I had a lot of male friends, which made me more comfortable around men when I started dating. I suggest trying to make some female friends.

For me, personally, I always appreciated a man treating me as just another person, rather than as a precious princess or an entirely different species altogether. I like interacting as equals and I like being able to hang out with a man’s friends.

I’ve personally always felt attracted to men I could just have a beer with and talk about interesting stuff. I’ll take a good conversation over a pickup line every time. And friendship is a good basis for a relationship for me. My boyfriend is my best friend, as was my previous boyfriend.

Of course, all of this is down to personal preferences. I’m just giving my perspective on things.

 

[SusanLR]

For me, personally, I always appreciated a man treating me as just another person, rather than as a precious princess or an entirely different species altogether. I like interacting as equals and I like being able to hang out with a man’s friends.

That is how I always felt too.
If I was going to date someone I liked it to be like equals.
I always found men had more interests in common with me than women.

I had three relationships that I felt romantically inclined to, but, they never developed into a want
to marry or live with them thing.
My sexual desires or lack there of are complicated and that didn't help. I always called it romantic asexual.
A little romance thrown in felt nice when I was younger, but, that's all it ever became.
Friends with some benefits.
Yeah, as I have on Facebook: It's Complicated.

 

[BradT]

I've also been led on in the past and it scares me to try again.

 

[paloftoon]

If you're scared to be lead on, best bet may be to see who you match with on an online app, then try to meet them in-person sooner. If they aren't willing to meet or plan to meet in-person in 2 weeks (unless it's long distance), move on.

 

[John2020]

U havent given much information about yourself so i will talk about myself Iv failed with women very badly and i took a quest to find out why...
First off im a male and i have a very high pitched voice. I have low testosterone and high estregen
...when it comes to my looks...
I look very immature for my age
im short.
Ugly big nose
Small eyes
Big round face
Chubby cheeks
Small mouth, yellow teeth, small ugly smile
(And i have bad breath)
Cant grow facial hairy
Acne
Stubborn afrow hair with a cow lick
This alone will push away SAY 85 TO 95 PERCENT OF WOMAN AWAY
Also im chubby- fat
Hairy
Slouching shoulders
No but
Saggy tits
Crooked legs...my whole posture is messed up(women notice me mainly in a bad way)
I have long finger nails with dirth in them and my hands are short and fat.
I always have a farmers tan
My neck is too skinny
My calves are way to big and ancles way too small
My belly is big
THEN THERE IS IMAGE...
I SMELL SOMETIMES
I WERE SAME CLOTHES OVER AND OVER
MY CLOTHES ARE WAY TO BAGGY
MY CLOTHES ARE WORN OUT
MY CLOTHES DONT MATCH
MY CLOTHES ARE DIRTY
MY CLOTHES STAINED
MY CLOTHES ARE ALWAYS WRINKLED
I WEAR WRONG CLOTHES FOR WRONG OCASION
...then there is status
I drive a crappy car
My car is old, dirty, messy, ugly, constantly breaks down.
I live with my parents...i dont rent my home and i cant afford payments for a home
Im always broke
I keep getting new jobs
All my jobs are minumum wage
Im in love with my dog and everyone knows that
I have no friends and everyone knows that
Im a highschool drop out with no career
THEN THERE ARE MY PSCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS...IM AUTISTIC. DYSPRAXIC. ANXIETY.ADHD....BY NOW IV DEVELOPED PTSD WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN...I HAVE FEAR THAT THEY DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME SO I PANICK AS SOON AS I THINK OF APPROACHING THEM....WHEN I TALK TO THEM. I RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY...FORGET WE WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY...REPEAT SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER...TALK TO LONG ABOUT 1 SUBJECT...PICK BORING SUBJECTS...I STUDDER WHEN I TALK...I DONT KNOW HOW TO MAKE A GIRL LAUGH...I DONT KNOW HOW TO MAKE A GIRL LAUGH
I DONT KNOW HOW TO FLIRT WITH A GIRL...IM VERY BORRING OVER THE PHONE. IM CONSTANTLY ANXIOUS WHEN TALKING TO A GIRL...I HATE LARGE CROWDS...IM INSECURE....who am i....im a person with AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER...

P.S. I forgot say im extremly slow - stupid(i have dyspraxia) my iq is 80

 

[tducey]

I'd suggest joining a group or something else that would involve a common interest that you can share with a female.

 

[Bolletje]

@John2020 A lot of the things you mention can be fixed. I’m not suggesting a total makeover, but you could start by cleaning and clipping your nails, cleaning your clothes and working on losing some of that weight. Maybe take a class on social and conversational skills.
And work on increasing your confidence. Listing everything that’s wrong with you works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you repeat it, the more negative your self-image becomes. Try listing the things you like about yourself and the things you would like to change. Then look into how you can change those things.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

what could be holding me back?

Autism?

I mean are you on the spectrum then you know you are not good at social interactions and its main symptom of ASD diagnosis.

You quiet yes this is problem all girls i ever talk to even the dorkiest kind said same thing they want guy to be fun, she need to experience positive emotions from interacting with a guy, you being quiet gives her no emotions (girls with ASD are not exception) & girls want guys to take lead in all interactions.

 

[Creep]

I'm 31 years old and I never dated. I don't socialize with women that much and I never asked any woman out. I try to take care of myself physically. What could be the problem? For the neurotypical here and aspie women, what could be holding me back?

There is no problem. Not every human is on the same time table, despite what internet experts say. You’re just not ready. Try to pursue other ways to spend your time & build your self-esteem until you are ready. Good luck.