31 years old and feel like I'm running out of time

[Tictactoe]

That could be related to asperger's, maybe you could find a quiet culinary job, study into yourself to find out what you like.
Have you taken the test to see if you may be aspergers Aspie Quiz

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 74 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

 

[Gift2humanity]

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 74 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

Thank you for taking the test, that is the first step, it isn't diagnostic, but it's a great first step.
I hope it helps you feel validated and not so lost.
Now to find the ideal job, and to pursue your goals.
Please think really carefully about buying a leasehold flat, I really regret buying mine.
You find that when you start helping yourself the world opens up doors for you, like abused spouses who leave their abusers, they often report that they come across opportunities that they never would have come across.

 

[Tictactoe]

Thank you for taking the test, that is the first step, it isn't diagnostic, but it's a great first step.
I hope it helps you feel validated and not so lost.
Now to find the ideal job, and to pursue your goals.
Please think really carefully about buying a leasehold flat, I really regret buying mine.
You find that when you start helping yourself the world opens up doors for you, like abused spouses who leave their abusers, they often report that they come across opportunities that they never would have come across.

Yeah I never wanted a leasehold flat. I have seen some freehold ones.

I'm not just going to rush into changing my job just yet. I need time to think about this. I've been doing this for over 10 years now and I do very much enjoy doing it. I'm a very methodical person and it just suits me.

Honestly the biggest thing I dislike about my job is the lack of females in construction. I met so many women in just 18 months when I had the restaurant job. So many different waitresses.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Yeah I never wanted a leasehold flat. I have seen some freehold ones.

I'm not just going to rush into changing my job just yet. I need time to think about this. I've been doing this for over 10 years now and I do very much enjoy doing it.

Honestly the biggest thing I dislike about my job is the lack of females in construction. I met so many women in just 18 months when I had the restaurant job. So many different waitresses.

Glad you won't get Leasehold.
I didn't know they did freehold flats in England I thought it was only Scotland, do your homework though, shared occupancy buildings are more complicated to buy than normal one person houses.

Yeah, don't rush into anything, you say you enjoy your job, that is good, but it isn't your first love, maybe you can take an evening cookery course or do something little that relates to your first love of culinary things.

Meeting a woman isn't priority they seem to come when you are in a happy place, like when you are in a place doing something you like. Romance comes like money, when we are in a place doing things we love.

 

[Tictactoe]

Having said that, I thought some were freehold but it seems they are very hard to find. Of course I would prefer a house but it's whether I can afford one...

 

[Gift2humanity]

Having said that, I thought some were freehold but it seems they are very hard to find. Of course I would prefer a house but it's whether I can afford one...

Maybe move to a place where you can afford one, or look at fixer-upper's with being a carpenter, you might know some contractors who can help you renovate a cheaper one.
Get a structural survey though to rule out nasties like dry rot etc.
You could look at auctions, etc, im ignorant on things like this, you could get info from libraries, the web etc.

 

[Tictactoe]

Maybe move to a place where you can afford one, or look at fixer-upper's with being a carpenter, you might know some contractors who can help you renovate a cheaper one.
Get a structural survey though to rule out nasties like dry rot etc.
You could look at auctions, etc, im ignorant on things like this, you could get info from libraries, the web etc.

Yeah I'll probably be looking to buy a place that needs some work since I can do it myself.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Yeah I'll probably be looking to buy a place that needs some work since I can do it myself.

I'd get the most comprehensive survey you can with places that need work, you never know what hidden problems they may have.

 

[VAW]

Hello, I'm just going to give you a description of my life and experiences so you can get an idea of who I am etc.

So I'm 31 years old and I'm from England. I went to a normal comprehensive school and although I have no intellectual disabilities, I found socialising very hard. I never really fit in with the other kids and always felt different but i wasn't sure why, I just accepted that I was born different and never asked for help. I tried befriending people from different 'social groups' at school but I never had more than 2-3 friends at a time. I felt like this was more than enough friends at any one time. I used to get alot of anxiety which got even worse towards the end of school.

I then went onto sixth form for another 2 years, I wasn't really interested in studying much but I wasn't ready for work so i just went and picked the courses that my friend was doing so i could be with him to reduce my anxiety. When everyone else was developing social skills, going to parties etc I never wanted to go and felt left out. On the handful of times I did attend a house party I used to just drink alcohol to help me deal with it, often regretting it the next day.

After sixth form I started working in restaurants cleaning dishes because I had an interest in food/cooking. My first full time job at age 18 was in a restaurant and I worked there for 18 months. I worked in the kitchen and learned quite alot about cooking in 18 months. I had all the same issues again but it got worse. People always seemed to misunderstand me and tried to bully me. Although it wasn't all bad, I had some good experiences there, I even took a girl I met there on a date to watch a movie. I thought getting my first job would give me more confidence and I would improve alot socially, but after a year of working there my problems never really improved, or at least I don't think they did. I might have gained some confidence but people still never understand me and I struggle to connect with them.

So after 18 months I quit working in a kitchen and decided to work with my father to learn Carpentry on building sites, I was age 19 when i started. I became his apprentice and went to college, learning Carpentry one day a week while going to work with him for 4 days. I did make a couple of friends at college but I'm pretty sure they found me a bit weird and just tolerated me. When college ended at around age 22-23 I was sad and fearful of the future to be honest. I met up with a friend I made from college a month or so after it ended and we played some pool in a bar. This was the last time I saw him.

Once college was finished I just continued working with my Dad and I still do to this day. He said he's not retiring anytime soon so I should have at least 5+ years before I have to find work by myself. I can work fine on my own but it's just interacting with customers/clients I might have issues with. I think it's going to be fine, I'll just have to try my hardest. I think I'm well suited to Carpentry because I enjoy building/making things and I'm a visual thinker. Although my first choice was definitely cooking I just went for the easy option in the end.

I've lived with my parents my whole life and I've just been saving for a deposit to get a mortage to try and buy myself an apartment, or flat as we call them here. I have an interest in cars and driving so in my free time at the weekend I like to drive around and listen to music. I play video games to pass the time but I'm getting sick of them now to be honest. I'm also really into alternative rock/metal music.

It's only recently over the past year that I've considered that I'm autistic. I overheard someone suggesting to my Dad that I could be autistic but he doesn't like to talk about it. The lady who suggested this is married to an autistic man so that was how she knew what autism is.

So I researched and I show alot of the symptoms of high functioning autism or aspergers syndrome. Now I know why I've never fit in my whole life and have lived quite a reclusive lifestyle. I lived all of my 20s just using video games to fill the time while also working with my father.

I'm 31 now and I would like to find a girlfriend eventually and try to live a normal independent life. Since I've gone such a long time living like this I'm going to find it hard to change now. My 20s are gone but I'm still relatively young so i think I have time to try and turn my life around. I would like some suggestions on what to do next. I really don't want to end up as a lonely old man who never found love in his life. I have tried dating websites and I can get replies from ladies so that's a positive. I just know if I went on a date it won't go well because of my lack of social skills. When I speak my voice sounds very monotone, I never know what tone to use when speaking so I just talk in one tone, although I'm trying to improve this.

If I did find love I think my happiness and confidence would improve so much, I would love to have a girlfriend to live my life with, but if I'm so bad socially how am I ever going to find one?

If anyone here can offer me advice that would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry for writing so much but I just wanted to explain my life to give you all a better understanding of who I am.

Thank you!

Hi Matt, My son is pretty much in the same boat as you are. Same age.... I will say that he had an online girlfriend for many years, they spent a few week ends together, they talked every single day almost all day for 10ish years, they talked about getting a place together but they lived in different states and neither wanted to move away, she finally found a local guy moved in with him and left my son high and dry which put him in a bad depression, no sense in living an empty life anymore...he is better now but the thing is...it is very hard for him to talk face to face with people but online you can get to know each other really well. Maybe that is the answer to meeting women because you don't have to really interact right away and once you know a person pretty well it isn't so hard. The thing with my son is that girl I don't think would have made him happy in the long run, she lied, she cheated and had problems of her own, but he wanted her, he felt close to her and would have done anything for her to stay with him... sometimes we want something so bad that we don't pay attention to the real situation. I have been in bad relationships and afterwards you feel you would rather be alone.. Have you tried online dating or going to a site you are interested in and start talking to women on there? May be a start.

 

[Tictactoe]

Hi Matt, My son is pretty much in the same boat as you are. Same age.... I will say that he had an online girlfriend for many years, they spent a few week ends together, they talked every single day almost all day for 10ish years, they talked about getting a place together but they lived in different states and neither wanted to move away, she finally found a local guy moved in with him and left my son high and dry which put him in a bad depression, no sense in living an empty life anymore...he is better now but the thing is...it is very hard for him to talk face to face with people but online you can get to know each other really well. Maybe that is the answer to meeting women because you don't have to really interact right away and once you know a person pretty well it isn't so hard. The thing with my son is that girl I don't think would have made him happy in the long run, she lied, she cheated and had problems of her own, but he wanted her, he felt close to her and would have done anything for her to stay with him... sometimes we want something so bad that we don't pay attention to the real situation. I have been in bad relationships and afterwards you feel you would rather be alone.. Have you tried online dating or going to a site you are interested in and start talking to women on there? May be a start.

Damn sorry to hear about what happened to your son, that's crazy they talked every day for 10 years and then suddenly she found another guy. I don't think I could have coped with that happening to me.

I've tried PoF but haven't actually met anyone from it yet, I could potentially arrange dates on there because some women are interested but I think it would be so much easier if she was on the spectrum like me. I'm scared to go on dates because I take rejection pretty badly, especially if I really like her. I think the dates will be so awkward as well.

 

[VAW]

I know it is a lot harder being an Aspie, I think my son has (at least for now) given up hope on meeting someone. He pretty much only wants that girl to come back to him and I don't see that happening anytime soon.
He seems to be coping with it though.

I remember back in the day when someone would break up with me who I really liked, my mother would always say to me...it is their loss, if they can't see how wonderful you are then have pity on them... or something like that. Of course at the time it didn't help much but I would hear those words eventually and I took rejection a lot better. Or I would say to myself it is ALL a learning experience. Enjoy what you have and if it comes along great...if not I am still okay.

I know it is hard those first dates, but just keep telling yourself it will be fine and do it.
One things my son did do is he started working out and really changed his whole attitude. He had such high anxiety it stopped him from doing things. He finally said he isn't going to let his fear control him. At least in this area he goes to the gym every other day even if he has to walk there (something he has NEVER done especially on his own.) Do you have a lot of anxiety about it? Or just feel awkward?

 

[Tictactoe]

I know it is a lot harder being an Aspie, I think my son has (at least for now) given up hope on meeting someone. He pretty much only wants that girl to come back to him and I don't see that happening anytime soon.
He seems to be coping with it though.

I remember back in the day when someone would break up with me who I really liked, my mother would always say to me...it is their loss, if they can't see how wonderful you are then have pity on them... or something like that. Of course at the time it didn't help much but I would hear those words eventually and I took rejection a lot better. Or I would say to myself it is ALL a learning experience. Enjoy what you have and if it comes along great...if not I am still okay.

I know it is hard those first dates, but just keep telling yourself it will be fine and do it.
One things my son did do is he started working out and really changed his whole attitude. He had such high anxiety it stopped him from doing things. He finally said he isn't going to let his fear control him. At least in this area he goes to the gym every other day even if he has to walk there (something he has NEVER done especially on his own.) Do you have a lot of anxiety about it? Or just feel awkward?

I did have more anxiety 10 years ago but I think it has come down alot now, that could be due to staying in my comfort zone though. Although even going to work 10 years ago was so hard with the anxiety but I've just gotten used to meeting people at work now so anxiety has definitely come down. I always feel awkward socially unless I know the person.

Also because I've never had a girlfriend and I'm 31, it's very unusual and I feel so embarrased about it. I understand it's best to be honest with potential dates but won't this just put them off when they find out I have zero relationship experience?

 

[VAW]

I did have more anxiety 10 years ago but I think it has come down alot now, that could be due to staying in my comfort zone though. Although even going to work 10 years ago was so hard with the anxiety but I've just gotten used to meeting people at work now so anxiety has definitely come down. I always feel awkward socially unless I know the person.

Also because I've never had a girlfriend and I'm 31, it's very unusual and I feel so embarrased about it. I understand it's best to be honest with potential dates but won't this just put them off when they find out I have zero relationship experience?

It depends on the person I would say. My kids were very mentally abused by their father until he died about 5 years ago. That is when their life actually began. My daughter is 34 this month, she met a guy at work and it was pretty awkward for her, she had never gone out with anyone or had a boyfriend before. He is Bipolar they have their problems but she was used to being yelled at all the time and he isn't as bad as her father was so she stays with him and loves him. They just moved in together a couple of weeks ago knowing it may not work out and if it doesn't then it doesn't but they are trying. MY oldest daughter met her boyfriend she lives with for the past 4 years now when she was 33.
If I had a choice I would have gotten married later in life myself. For one reason the people you go out with when you are younger are not always the people you would be happy with later in life. However getting married older most people have already been married before and have baggage with them. So I guess it works either way.

Now my daughter is very pretty and everyone hits on her at work. She is very quiet and doesn't talk much to anyone but to those guys they find her rather mysterious and want to break the mystery I think. They either think she is a gorgeous mystery they want to find out about or a cereal killer! lol But with her she wanted to be alone, she doesn't want kids and didn't care if she ever met anyone. This guy she worked with came up to her and said it has taken me 2 weeks to get up enough nerve to even talk to you cause you are so pretty. That was his line and he hooked her with that, he invited her over to his house to watch a movie. Maybe it was easier because you are more quiet watching the show and not talking awkwardly. then after would you like to get something to eat, again eating you are not talking as much... after a few of those they both pretty much started talking and it wasn't awkward anymore.

Is there anyone you work with that you are interested in but just don't know how to approach them? OH well you live with you parents though right? That would be harder to invite them over for a movie. He had his own house. Or wouldn't your parents mind if someone came over to watch a movie?

In some ways living alone is better, but like my daughter found out that now living with him she pays half the bills and mortgage so she doesn't just have money to spend and have fun with, now she doesn't have money to just blow on stuff. Living with me I paid the bills and groceries and gas for going somewhere. She would help with stuff sometimes but of course she will never be able to save money anymore.

I think you will be able to find someone, they did! How are you at coming up to women and talking to them? Me personally it wouldn't matter if I met a man when I was 31 who had never dated before. As long as he was good to me, it wouldn't have mattered in the least. OWN it and don't be afraid I am sure there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't care, and if they did then good riddens to them.

 

[Tictactoe]

It depends on the person I would say. My kids were very mentally abused by their father until he died about 5 years ago. That is when their life actually began. My daughter is 34 this month, she met a guy at work and it was pretty awkward for her, she had never gone out with anyone or had a boyfriend before. He is Bipolar they have their problems but she was used to being yelled at all the time and he isn't as bad as her father was so she stays with him and loves him. They just moved in together a couple of weeks ago knowing it may not work out and if it doesn't then it doesn't but they are trying. MY oldest daughter met her boyfriend she lives with for the past 4 years now when she was 33.
If I had a choice I would have gotten married later in life myself. For one reason the people you go out with when you are younger are not always the people you would be happy with later in life. However getting married older most people have already been married before and have baggage with them. So I guess it works either way.

Now my daughter is very pretty and everyone hits on her at work. She is very quiet and doesn't talk much to anyone but to those guys they find her rather mysterious and want to break the mystery I think. They either think she is a gorgeous mystery they want to find out about or a cereal killer! lol But with her she wanted to be alone, she doesn't want kids and didn't care if she ever met anyone. This guy she worked with came up to her and said it has taken me 2 weeks to get up enough nerve to even talk to you cause you are so pretty. That was his line and he hooked her with that, he invited her over to his house to watch a movie. Maybe it was easier because you are more quiet watching the show and not talking awkwardly. then after would you like to get something to eat, again eating you are not talking as much... after a few of those they both pretty much started talking and it wasn't awkward anymore.

Is there anyone you work with that you are interested in but just don't know how to approach them? OH well you live with you parents though right? That would be harder to invite them over for a movie. He had his own house. Or wouldn't your parents mind if someone came over to watch a movie?

In some ways living alone is better, but like my daughter found out that now living with him she pays half the bills and mortgage so she doesn't just have money to spend and have fun with, now she doesn't have money to just blow on stuff. Living with me I paid the bills and groceries and gas for going somewhere. She would help with stuff sometimes but of course she will never be able to save money anymore.

I think you will be able to find someone, they did! How are you at coming up to women and talking to them? Me personally it wouldn't matter if I met a man when I was 31 who had never dated before. As long as he was good to me, it wouldn't have mattered in the least. OWN it and don't be afraid I am sure there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't care, and if they did then good riddens to them.

Yeah that's the thing, your daughter is very pretty and I'm assuming she has aspergers? Looks seem to be the most important thing for women, and men will just accept them for who they are if they are good looking enough. But for men I feel it's different. Even if you have model looks as a man with aspergers, the looks won't work on their own, women just won't find you attractive.

Yeah well my parents wouldn't mind to be honest if I wanted someone round, they would probably even go out for the evening to let me have the house to myself if I asked them as it's for a date.

I don't meet many women at my work either

 

[VAW]

Yeah that's the thing, your daughter is very pretty and I'm assuming she has aspergers? Looks seem to be the most important thing for women, and men will just accept them for who they are if they are good looking enough. But for men I feel it's different. Even if you have model looks as a man with aspergers, the looks won't work on their own, women just won't find you attractive.

Yeah well my parents wouldn't mind to be honest if I wanted someone round, they would probably even go out for the evening to let me have the house to myself if I asked them as it's for a date.

I don't meet many women at my work either

Would you mind switching to the chat? I feel like I may be writing too much on these...

 

[100skerls]

Best of luck to you Matt. I’m 24 and just got diagnosed about a year ago. It’s been good for me to have some answers to help inform my decisions and the pace at which I take on responsibilities. In the past I’d just try to do everything, I’ve finally learned to take it slow. It’s all about baby steps when it comes to properly growing up for me (so far).

 

[100skerls]

As a woman I don’t know if the same goes for finding a partner. I never had to try - women definitely have it easier there. But I’d assume like with other things that cause me anxiety it’s probably the same. Baby steps are the only way to real and lasting improvement. There are some good places to meet people (pre/post COVID) like coffee shops, bars, public parks, and special interest clubs (like through meetup). I know those are considered good places to talk to women because those are places where I’ve been approached. If I were you I’d maybe start with tinder though to help build confidence. It’s small stakes in the rejection department.