5 year old and husband have Aspergers and I am lost.....

[911Dispatcher]

I could use some advice and just general support. I will try to make this very short. I have been with my husband for 12 years now and we have a 5 year old daughter. Two years ago we separated due to major issues in our marriage. After a accident I had where I acquired a moderate traumatic brian injury, my husband and I reconnected and have been trying to work things out. Last month I had a meeting with my daughters Pre-K teachers and they voiced concerns that she may have Aspergers. I have also had concerns about her behavior but wasn't sure what it was. After doing a lot of research on AS I almost 100 percent positive she has Aspergers. She meets a lot of the charactertics (avoiding eye contact, repetative movement, taking everything literal, fixation (right now its anatomy), meltdowns when her routine is interupted). I was overwhelmed at first but I am ready to do my best for her and help her in anyway I can. While doing research I also started ready about what scientists believe or are debating what causes Aspergers and started thinking about genetics. It was like a light came one when I started thinking about my issues in my marriage with my husband and all the frustrations I had with him. He is acts very detached and cold unless a situation directlly effects him. He also avoids eye contact and does not like a lot of physical contact like holding hands and kissing. He monoplizes all conversation and most of the time he seems uninterested in anything anyone else is saying. Also after a few of our friends learned that my daughter will be going for testing for Aspergers they approached me and asked if I thought my husband also had it because of his social awkwardness around friends. We are planning on living together again in the very near future (after a year of working on things and talking some of our issues out). I wonder sometimes if I am crazy for taking on living with him again but I truly do love him and see so many good things that he has to offer. Should I bring up my concerns to him? Am I crazy for going back? How will it work with helping my daughter and raising her with someone who has undiagnosed AS? How can I help him if he does have AS?

 

[GoldenRatio]

I noticed you posted this on June 5th and there has been no response. Hopefully you will have the opportunity to read this and we have the possibility to open up dialog, so you might have a better understand as to how your husband might view the world. I am 31 years old and have been with my wife, including dating, for 7 years, and have a son together. My diagnosis was only a little over a week ago and the changes have been dramatic, at least on my end. Assuming that you are neurotypical (NT), you have a hard, but fulfilling, road ahead of you (based on what my wife is telling me). I will let you know my experience so far, and what my wife has been telling me about her feelings.

Until diagnosis, my approach to social situations has been to imitate people in social situations. For example, if I subconsciously thought someone seemed popular, I would memorize their movements, gestures, voice inflections, so on and so forth. Even as an adult I would reenact these situations, by myself, to appear as a normal person. I had no idea that I was doing this, aside from reenactments, and believed it was intuition instead of intellect. I partially assumed that people reenacted situations by themselves, but also thought the behavior was mildly strange, so I refrained from telling people. Even though I had categorized ways to act in social situations, I was constantly left upset because people were expecting me to elicit emotions that I simply did not understand. I was a heavy drinker up for the first 4 years of us being together, so my wife and I did not start experiencing problems, related to A.S., until I quit drinking. My wife is an extremely extroverted person, and constantly needs emotional connection to validate her feelings. Given that I am an Aspie, and inherently introverted, I constantly needed quietness and alone time, to contemplate and process my daily interactions. Neither of these were met because of the fact that neither of us knew I had A.S.. Obviously, this cause a lot of anger and frustration between the two of us.

After being diagnosed, I feel like I finally have a means as to identify myself with. I understand that I am not a bad, or psychotic person, for not feeling empathy when a NT would normally feel empathy, or emotion. This understanding has opened up lines of communication that never had existed before. I have been in a euphoric state ever since my diagnosis, while my wife is, so to say, hurt and sad. The reason she is hurt and sad (based of her telling me) is because she feels like she is almost married to another person because she now understands that I had displayed emotional responses that I simply did not understand the need for. Logically, I understand why she is feeling this way and support her 100% through her attempts at understanding her husband. Even though she is sad, she is still happy for me and enjoys our new line of communication, as do I. I don't feel crazy anymore, so I am able to tell her exactly what is going on in my head, and in turn she does not expect me to display emotions that I do not understand.

I am going to stop here, hopefully this helps a little. I would recommend picking up a copy of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Attwood, for yourself and your husband (only give him a copy based on your judgement of how he would act). This book, along with counseling, has helped me out tremendously. My counselor also recommends the book The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband, by David Finch. I have yet to read this because I am waiting for it in the mail, so I am unsure, as to the validity, of his recommendation.

 

[oscar2012]

You both sound amazing parents so why not give it ago you could get knowledge from your husband to raise your daughter

 

[asnlifecoach]

You would not be crazy for going back, as long as you are aware of what you are getting yourself into. Are the problems that separated you in the first place solved? If not, is he on board with working on those issues actively, and are you? Does he know exactly what is expected of him and has he agreed to it?

If he has agreed to work on the issues in your marriage, are you ready for it to be a very slow process? He has been this way for many years, and needs a reason to change his ways. Will you be able to accept the fact that he might not change just because you want him to? This does not mean he doesn't love you, it means he needs a logical reason that benefits him in some way.

In terms of helping your daughter, she will have a complete family. However, if there is tension between you and your husband this will not benefit your daughter at all. Nor will it benefit you. The best results will come if you realize you don't have to "help". You have to learn and change yourself just as must as your daughter and husband have to change. It is a collaboration, trial and error learning. What works best for the three of you.

Nothing worth doing is easy. This may be worth it, but only you can decide that. If you have specific questions I will do my best to help. Be well and good luck!

 

[911Dispatcher]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. First to answer some questions. My husband has worked very hard on some of his problems and I have noticed a very big change in his behavior since we have decided to work on things. For years I threatened to leave because he refused to work with me on anything and after years of honestly trying everything under the sun that I could on my end (other than just straight up dealing with being treated poorly) I left. This is when things directly affected him and I saw emotion and change in him that I had never witnessed in the 12 years that we were together. I believe this is because of Aspergers. He is a heavy drinker and I also believe that is what he has used as a coping skill. It makes him more relaxed and social (although still awkward). The hard part that I can not get him to understand is I fell in love with the sober man and the person he is even with his quirks. He is working on his drinking but I am still struggling with it. I grew up in a house with zero tolerance towards alcohol because my father was a recovering alcoholic. I do not enjoy drinking so I am very sensitive about it.

I know going back is not going to be all roses and rainbows and I am very prepared to put a lot of work in on also changing my thoughts and approach to situations. I know I need to adapt to what my daughters needs are and realize this is who she is and its not something I can "change". I am hopeful I can do the same with my husband. He isn't aware that he may also have AS and I am not sure telling him I believe he does is a good option. One positive I think could come from it is he feels very badly about what has happened in our marriage and places all the blame on himself. Most of the time he says he is weak and messed up man but he is trying to work on things. I don't want him to feel like he is less of a person if his Aspergers behavior has played a role in how he reacts to life in general. I would also like him to see that there is help for the things he does what to improve on, especially communicating with me and understanding my emotions and needs. I'm just not sure what direciton to go in.

My friends tell me I'm a saint for everything I have dealt with in my marriage and that I have stuck it out so long and tried so hard to make it work, but honestly isn't that truly what loving someone is about and what marriage is? I believe going back is the right thing to do but I am still very scared about our future and worried I will be taking on more than I can handle.

 

[asnlifecoach]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. First to answer some questions. My husband has worked very hard on some of his problems and I have noticed a very big change in his behavior since we have decided to work on things. For years I threatened to leave because he refused to work with me on anything and after years of honestly trying everything under the sun that I could on my end (other than just straight up dealing with being treated poorly) I left. This is when things directly affected him and I saw emotion and change in him that I had never witnessed in the 12 years that we were together. I believe this is because of Aspergers. He is a heavy drinker and I also believe that is what he has used as a coping skill. It makes him more relaxed and social (although still awkward). The hard part that I can not get him to understand is I fell in love with the sober man and the person he is even with his quirks. He is working on his drinking but I am still struggling with it. I grew up in a house with zero tolerance towards alcohol because my father was a recovering alcoholic. I do not enjoy drinking so I am very sensitive about it.

I know going back is not going to be all roses and rainbows and I am very prepared to put a lot of work in on also changing my thoughts and approach to situations. I know I need to adapt to what my daughters needs are and realize this is who she is and its not something I can "change". I am hopeful I can do the same with my husband. He isn't aware that he may also have AS and I am not sure telling him I believe he does is a good option. One positive I think could come from it is he feels very badly about what has happened in our marriage and places all the blame on himself. Most of the time he says he is weak and messed up man but he is trying to work on things. I don't want him to feel like he is less of a person if his Aspergers behavior has played a role in how he reacts to life in general. I would also like him to see that there is help for the things he does what to improve on, especially communicating with me and understanding my emotions and needs. I'm just not sure what direciton to go in.

My friends tell me I'm a saint for everything I have dealt with in my marriage and that I have stuck it out so long and tried so hard to make it work, but honestly isn't that truly what loving someone is about and what marriage is? I believe going back is the right thing to do but I am still very scared about our future and worried I will be taking on more than I can handle.

Perhaps you could consider telling him about Asperger's. Many on this forum find it a relief to actually have a name for it, that they aren't alone. To help him feel that he isn't "weak" and "messed up" and just different.

 

[911Dispatcher]

Ok, I think he will be pretty resistant at first in exploring the idea that he has Aspergers but I think telling him my concerns may at least get him to consider looking into it.

Here is another question, I've read that most Aspies are very self centered and have a hard time thinking of others. My husband can get very stuck in this self centered mode and I constantly have to remind him that my needs and our daughters needs also need to be met. Do I constantly have to remind him of this or is there a way to get him to stay on track?

I give him ample time to himself and I allow him to talk about what he's interested in but when it comes time for me to talk he constantly cuts me off or doesn't listen and any of my interests to him seem ridiculous and he almost gets frustrated or tries to pull me away from them. I tried explaining this to him last night on the phone but I still don't feel like he understood. I told him that I am my own person and I have things that I enjoy too. Life can not simply revolve around him. Any help or insight on how to deal with this? This has probably been one of the more frustrating aspect of our relationship.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Ok, I think he will be pretty resistant at first in exploring the idea that he has Aspergers but I think telling him my concerns may at least get him to consider looking into it.

Here is another question, I've read that most Aspies are very self centered and have a hard time thinking of others. My husband can get very stuck in this self centered mode and I constantly have to remind him that my needs and our daughters needs also need to be met. Do I constantly have to remind him of this or is there a way to get him to stay on track?

I give him ample time to himself and I allow him to talk about what he's interested in but when it comes time for me to talk he constantly cuts me off or doesn't listen and any of my interests to him seem ridiculous and he almost gets frustrated or tries to pull me away from them. I tried explaining this to him last night on the phone but I still don't feel like he understood. I told him that I am my own person and I have things that I enjoy too. Life can not simply revolve around him. Any help or insight on how to deal with this? This has probably been one of the more frustrating aspect of our relationship.

I think the real reason for Aspie self-centeredness is the obsessive one-subject-at-a-time quality of our minds. It's hard for us to turn our attention from one thing ot something else. Everyone has to think of their own needs. That's just basic human necessity. People have to think of their own need, and then divert the focus of their attention to someone else's need.
For us Aspies, diverting our attention is always hard. That's probably why it's hard for him to listen to you. It's to hard to turn his attention to the new things you are asking him to think about. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

(On the flip side, this single-mindedness might also explain why some Aspies can become obsessed and infatuated with someone, obsessively pursuing and "stalking." Which is horrible for the other person. In such cases, the Aspie is unable to divert his/her attention away from the beloved to anything else.
Seeming self-centeredness/excessive other-centeredness...)
This doesn't mean your husband doesn't care about you.
Also, it is hard for us to express our emotions. So he might actually be thinking about you and your daughter a great deal, but simply not be expressing it.


(trapped by our own minds sometimes. :banghead: (That's jsut an excuse to put in a cool smiley.)) I picked up the practice of smileys from my male best friend.

 

[asnlifecoach]

Ok, I think he will be pretty resistant at first in exploring the idea that he has Aspergers but I think telling him my concerns may at least get him to consider looking into it.

Here is another question, I've read that most Aspies are very self centered and have a hard time thinking of others. My husband can get very stuck in this self centered mode and I constantly have to remind him that my needs and our daughters needs also need to be met. Do I constantly have to remind him of this or is there a way to get him to stay on track?

I give him ample time to himself and I allow him to talk about what he's interested in but when it comes time for me to talk he constantly cuts me off or doesn't listen and any of my interests to him seem ridiculous and he almost gets frustrated or tries to pull me away from them. I tried explaining this to him last night on the phone but I still don't feel like he understood. I told him that I am my own person and I have things that I enjoy too. Life can not simply revolve around him. Any help or insight on how to deal with this? This has probably been one of the more frustrating aspect of our relationship.

Keep telling him. Keep explaining it in every way possible. Think of innovative ways to tell him, because he may not yet understand. You may have to do this many times because he begins to understand. Then many more times before he actually gets it. You have to remind him that when he talks you give him your full attention and respect and you expect him to do the same for you in return. If he is getting frustrated you can tell him to express that to you in words. "I am getting frustrated in this conversation because..." You must tell him that directly. You must be thorough and literal. He will get it, it seems to me that he wants to understand you.

 

[NTWife]

The short answer is: you can't help him. Only he can help himself.

The longer answer is: Most aspies don't make good parents due to their being so narrowly focused on themselves. In a few other groups I belong to that are for spouses of Aspies, nearly all of the NT parents tell of their Aspies not treating their Aspie children well, usually with emotional abuse and, in some extreme cases (where I suspect the Aspie has other underlying issues), physical abuse. Aspies don't tolerate in others what is so evident in them. Perhaps they don't like the competition?

My advice is to find a good counselor for your child, one who specializes (or is at least familiar with) Asperger's and do everything you can for your daughter. This is going to sound cold but, you can't focus at all on your husband. Knowing now what I should have known way back when, it's a hard road when you have an adult Aspie as a co-parent. I don't know I'd move back in with him right away, but stay separated and insist on marital counseling (again, choosing one who knows about Aspgerger's and all that goes along with it) and make this the deal breaker.

You guys broke up once before for a reason. If those reasons aren't resolved BEFORE getting back into the relationship, they'll simply come up again. As far as loving him, I'm sure you do. I love my husband to the point of distraction. However, just because you love someone doesn't mean they're right for you. Had I known then what I know now, I'd have never married my husband. With NT/Aspie marriages, the divorce rate is over 80%. The suicide rate of the NT in the NT/AS marriage is nearly 50%. There are times there's not enough love in the world to manage the emotional needs of the Aspie.

It sounds like the AS is obvious to everyone BUT your husband. You can't help him if he isn't willing to help himself. You need to disengage from him and his issues to focus on the tough road ahead with your daughter. She's the one who needs you the most.

 

[NTWife]

Ok, I think he will be pretty resistant at first in exploring the idea that he has Aspergers but I think telling him my concerns may at least get him to consider looking into it.

Here is another question, I've read that most Aspies are very self centered and have a hard time thinking of others. My husband can get very stuck in this self centered mode and I constantly have to remind him that my needs and our daughters needs also need to be met. Do I constantly have to remind him of this or is there a way to get him to stay on track?

I give him ample time to himself and I allow him to talk about what he's interested in but when it comes time for me to talk he constantly cuts me off or doesn't listen and any of my interests to him seem ridiculous and he almost gets frustrated or tries to pull me away from them. I tried explaining this to him last night on the phone but I still don't feel like he understood. I told him that I am my own person and I have things that I enjoy too. Life can not simply revolve around him. Any help or insight on how to deal with this? This has probably been one of the more frustrating aspect of our relationship.

To address your first paragraph- yes, they are. And it's maddening because you simply don't matter to them. It's not that they don't care; they do. It's that they're so hard-wired to focus on their needs only, everything else falls to the wayside, all the time.

Second paragraph - You will have to constantly remind him you and your daughter have needs because he will forget this daily, if not hourly. Getting him to stay on track is the job of the counselor, not yours. If you take on his problems, as well as your own and your daughter's, your life will be exhausting to the point of mental illness like symptoms. Most NT spouses develop serious illnesses that can all be attributed to the stressful lives we all lead. Every single NT spouse I've interacted with has a serious, life-threatening illness. And ALL of them have been told by their Aspies at one time or another how much trouble they are and that their Aspies talk about, "When you're dead and not a hassle to me anymore..." One NT spouse I know has four bad heart valves attributed to her stress levels. Her Aspie husband refuses to go to her cardiology appts with her, telling her, "What do you need me for? Will my being there fix it?" He tells her that her heart problems, as well as the diabetes and epilepsy her children suffer from, are a result of her and her parents "talking about it". He refuses to medicate the kids because he feels their illnesses are psychosomatic.

Third paragraph - No matter how much "ample time" you give him, it's not enough. Aspies treat the people in their life like figurines on a shelf, taking them down when they want company, putting them back when they are done. Any attempts by you to allow him anything BUT this, meaning if YOU need to be in his world, is met with hostility and/or impatience for intruding on their "Me" time (which is all the time). Again, you need to disengage. With Aspies, telling them what you need/want/desire. They are completely inflexible and won't compromise on anything. It's their way or the highway. Period. He doesn't want to talk about anything but what he wants to talk about and his interrupting you is his not listening to you at all, simply because you're white noise to him. He probably doesn't even realize you're talking because in his head, all he hears is his own thoughts.

If he's not willing to go to both couples and individual counseling, don't go back into the relationship. Oh, and you'll want a counselor for yourself or you'll go nuts in the process.

 

[oscar2012]

I dont do that i have aspergers

 

[Ste11aeres]

In a few other groups I belong to that are for spouses of Aspies, nearly all of the NT parents tell of their Aspies not treating their Aspie children well, usually with emotional abuse and, in some extreme cases (where I suspect the Aspie has other underlying issues), physical abuse. Aspies don't tolerate in others what is

I am a professional preschool teacher and Infant/Toddler Caregiver and i have seen many NTs treat their children badly, with emotional abuse. I have worked in places where i was almost the only person who was kind to the children. (my coworkers were NTs.) The one Aspie couple i know, have wonderful sweet realtionships with thier kids who love them. I am not saying all Nt's are nasty to children, I am saying people are individuals. Some individuals are nurturing caregivers, others aren't.

My friends tell me I'm a saint

Well, you do sound really nice.

 

[NTWife]

I am a professional preschool teacher and Infant/Toddler Caregiver and i have seen many NTs treat their children badly, with emotional abuse. I have worked in places where i was almost the only person who was kind to the children. (my coworkers were NTs.) The one Aspie couple i know, have wonderful sweet realtionships with thier kids who love them. I am not saying all Nt's are nasty to children, I am saying people are individuals. Some individuals are nurturing caregivers, others aren't.


Well, you do sound really nice.

But how nurturing can a person truly be if they lack the appropriate empathy to be there for their children during life's most difficult times? I've seen my husband stand by too many times (and I've gotten this same observation from several other NT spouses, this isn't just me) while our kids were either in emotional or physical pain and he's been either numb to it or dumbfounded by needing to act quickly and decisively.

A broken heart or broken arm doesn't wait for an Aspie to get up to speed or attempt to grasp a situation that involves depth of emotion?

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

But how nurturing can a person truly be if they lack the appropriate empathy to be there for their children during life's most difficult times? I've seen my husband stand by too many times (and I've gotten this same observation from several other NT spouses, this isn't just me) while our kids were either in emotional or physical pain and he's been either numb to it or dumbfounded by needing to act quickly and decisively.

A broken heart or broken arm doesn't wait for an Aspie to get up to speed or attempt to grasp a situation that involves depth of emotion?

When patients are very anxious or have a fear of impending death, sometimes the best person who can work with them is someone who can stay calm under pressure and be unemotional about the situation.

There are some cultures where an excess of emotion is expected. I have experienced, more times than I care to count, reassuring a man who has chest pain that help is at hand and he doesn't need to worry, only to have it all undone by his wife who gets down on her hands and knees and begins wailing and crying alongside of him as if death is imminent. That doesn't help the patient at all.

 

[Ste11aeres]

But how nurturing can a person truly be if they lack the appropriate empathy to be there for their children during life's most difficult times? I've seen my husband stand by too many times (and I've gotten this same observation from several other NT spouses, this isn't just me) while our kids were either in emotional or physical pain and he's been either numb to it or dumbfounded by needing to act quickly and decisively.

A broken heart or broken arm doesn't wait for an Aspie to get up to speed or attempt to grasp a situation that involves depth of emotion?

But how nurturing can a person truly be if they lack the appropriate empathy to be there for their children during life's most difficult times? I've seen my husband stand by too many times (and I've gotten this same observation from several other NT spouses, this isn't just me) while our kids were either in emotional or physical pain and he's been either numb to it or dumbfounded by needing to act quickly and decisively.

Support groups are usually disproportionately populated by unhappy people. Happy people don't join support groups. A poor source from which to form opinions about groups of people.
I think you would get more help from these people Drs. John & Julie Gottman | The Gottman Institute
Dr. Gary Chapman : Marriage & Family Life
Shop at NeumanMethod.com
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Gary_Neuman (author of 'Why Men Cheat' and 'Why Women Cheat')
Some of these books have the "CLick to look inside" option on Amazon, (my favorite cheating way of reading part of a book without buying it)

This is also a fascinating article John Gottman on Trust and Betrayal | Greater Good

 

[911Dispatcher]

NTWife,

You sound a lot like I did three years ago before I left my marriage. I will have to say there is some truth in what you say but I also agree with Ste11aeres. Everyone is an individual and especially when certain conditions like AS are involved. Here is an example, I am a diabetic have been since I was 9, like most Type 1 diabetics I take insulin and test my blood glucose, but not every diabetic is just like me. Things that I eat, exercise, and how my body reacts to medication doesn't affect other diabetics like me and vice versa. From what I have read there are varying characteristics of AS and each person with AS varies in what characteristics they have.

Now I am sure with your relationship you reached the point where there was no change and no sign of change and you took the steps necessary to do what was right for you. I did the same thing and honestly you do get to a point where you have to say enough is enough and save yourself from some very damaging effects. In my marriage and relationship with my husband I tried for so many years (before considering he had AS) to work on our issues and nothing changed. He refused to compromise. I would not be considering going back into the marriage if I had not seen a drastic change, and I don't mean just telling me what I want to hear, but an actual drastic change in his actions. I truly believe when I left it was the most clear and concrete message that he finally understood because it directly affected him (he was now alone and left to fend for himself).

My husband is different from some AS persons I've talked to. He is very efficient at his job, at helping around the house, and being very responsible. He has always made sure my daughter and I were well taken care of even during the separation. His true area of difficulty is social aspects, understanding my and others emotions, and some quirks that annoy me to all end but make him who he is. I've learned in the short time that I've done research about AS if I take a more logic approach when talking to him we seem to communicate a lot better. I guess from my previous question about having to remind him a lot about our needs emotionally was something I pretty much knew the answer to in the back of my head. That is something that is extremely hard for me to grasp and something I'm sure many NT's have a hard time with. Although we've been told and can accept it logically, in our heart and with our emotion we still want someone who can read our minds and tell from our tone of voice, or sad face, that we need comfort and support. Having to step out of what we've known our whole lives as acceptable behavior and learn a new way of thinking and communicating is difficult. I can only assume it?s just as hard for someone with AS to understand an NT, but if you are going to be in a relationship with one or the other than I think that burden should fall on both partners not just one and that you both should meet in the middle. Now some with AS, because of how they are wired, may not be able to do that which sounds like your relationship. I have seen my husband now try desperately to meet me in the middle. It?s not easy and sometimes he does need a reminder but I still have hope.

As far as abuse goes with my daughter both physical and emotional, I can see how that can be an issue but like Ste11aeres said I've seen it with NT's before also. Most of his quirks dealing with my daughter had to do with how he thought she should play and react. He had a hard time seeing her spin the wheels on a toy instead of pushing it around the room. He is very very much set in logic and things are supposed to be used how the creator intended them to be used. He can understand emotional situations and has an idea of how to react or how others react. For instance he knows if there is a death in the family I am going to be sad, he won't really feel or I guess show that emotion (which before made him seem cold and to me frustrating and something I would get hung up on), but he will still offer a hug and reassure me that life will go on. He has difficulty in understanding the emotion when the situation is not clear cut. Like when I get upset that he has done something I deem as unacceptable but in his logic is was completely okay to do. He does struggle with understanding that my daughter comes first with needs, like I can't just throw her in bed to run and spend time with him. She needs to get PJ's on, have a book read to her and on most nights I have to lay with her for some time. He gets frustrated because he wants his time with me and it normally starts a fight. More because I'm mad that he's mad, and I started the fight instead of just letting him be. He also has a hard time reading her body signs to when she is about the have a meltdown and will often push the situation further than just giving her space to cool down. Again I have seen this with NT's, and even relatives of mine who don't understand that with her AS she needs time to process things and to deal with her emotions. This is one area he has improved some on but I still am not sure how things will be once we are living together again. I think it will come down to having to set very clear expectations but I am also open to any suggestions others have.

Ste11aeres, thanks for the compliment too 

 

[Kelly]

The longer answer is: Most aspies don't make good parents due to their being so narrowly focused on themselves. In a few other groups I belong to that are for spouses of Aspies, nearly all of the NT parents tell of their Aspies not treating their Aspie children well, usually with emotional abuse and, in some extreme cases (where I suspect the Aspie has other underlying issues), physical abuse. Aspies don't tolerate in others what is so evident in them. Perhaps they don't like the competition?

WOW! I can't even begin to put into words how offensive this is!!

I have Asperger's, my husband is suspected to have Asperger's our daughter has Asperger's and we are all very very happy and even if I say so myself we are awesome parents who always and I mean ALWAYS put our daughter before anything!

Another group I go on that is specifically for parents with girls on the spectrum alot of them suspect they have Asperger's too and again they all put their girls before anything else and are all awesome parents.

You really should think before making a sweeping statement like that, it's not right to say all NT's make bad parents and are emotionally and sometimes physically abusive just because SOME are so you should not say it about people on the spectrum as it's simply not true.

 

[Nolan1971]

WOW! I can't even begin to put into words how offensive this is!!

I have Asperger's, my husband is suspected to have Asperger's our daughter has Asperger's and we are all very very happy and even if I say so myself we are awesome parents who always and I mean ALWAYS put our daughter before anything!

Another group I go on that is specifically for parents with girls on the spectrum alot of them suspect they have Asperger's too and again they all put their girls before anything else and are all awesome parents.

You really should think before making a sweeping statement like that, it's not right to say all NT's make bad parents and are emotionally and sometimes physically abusive just because SOME are so you should not say it about people on the spectrum as it's simply not true.

I firmly agree with you on this it deeply offends me! I have been told countless times by everyone that I am the most thoughtful and loving person they know
during my marriage I was constantly praised for how great a husband I was and how great a parent I will be!

 

[asnlifecoach]

But how nurturing can a person truly be if they lack the appropriate empathy to be there for their children during life's most difficult times? I've seen my husband stand by too many times (and I've gotten this same observation from several other NT spouses, this isn't just me) while our kids were either in emotional or physical pain and he's been either numb to it or dumbfounded by needing to act quickly and decisively.

A broken heart or broken arm doesn't wait for an Aspie to get up to speed or attempt to grasp a situation that involves depth of emotion?

Please do not judge all aspie's based on your experience alone. The depth of emotion an aspie can feel is something greater than most NTs I've known. There are many aspie's who are wonderful wives, husbands, mothers, and fathers. A lot of your hurt and anger is understandable, but do not assume what you should have done for yourself in your unique relationship is what everyone should do. There are many happily married couples both with and without children who are on the spectrum. These people need encouragement and support, and proper guidance and warnings when appropriate.

I urge you to be apart of this forum to learn and be positive. I think you may find a lot of things you could change about yourself that will help you get past your hurt and anger, rather than fueling it by venting.