5 year old and husband have Aspergers and I am lost.....

[Cyanide Lollipop]

I guess from my previous question about having to remind him a lot about our needs emotionally was something I pretty much knew the answer to in the back of my head. That is something that is extremely hard for me to grasp and something I'm sure many NT's have a hard time with. Although we've been told and can accept it logically, in our heart and with our emotion we still want someone who can read our minds and tell from our tone of voice, or sad face, that we need comfort and support. Having to step out of what we've known our whole lives as acceptable behavior and learn a new way of thinking and communicating is difficult. I can only assume it’s just as hard for someone with AS to understand an NT, but if you are going to be in a relationship with one or the other than I think that burden should fall on both partners not just one and that you both should meet in the middle. Now some with AS, because of how they are wired, may not be able to do that which sounds like your relationship.

This whole post was great but this passage really puts it all in perspective. NTs may struggle to understand an AS spouse. The person with AS struggles to understand most NTs for most of their life.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

To answer the original question, if your husband is not aware that he has AS, then none of his annoying behaviours will change. If some of them absolutely must change in order for you to be happy in your relationship, then you need to tell him that you think he has AS. Some of us accept the information happily and find it very liberating. Then we use the information to address any behaviours that we consider to be a problem. Others will not accept the diagnosis, or they may accept it but not accept or agree that some behaviours are a problem. I think you need to be prepared for that possibility. It's up to you to decide which of your husband's behaviours are a dealbreaker for you. Then give him the opportunity to change and be prepared to assist him through that process, but also be prepared to walk away if he doesn't feel the same way.

Ultimately, he is the one who must take responsibility for the change. If he isn't prepared to do that then you will probably be frustrated and unhappy if you choose to stay.

 

[Ste11aeres]

To answer the original question, if your husband is not aware that he has AS, then none of his annoying behaviours will change. If some of them absolutely must change in order for you to be happy in your relationship, then you need to tell him that you think he has AS. Some of us accept the information happily and find it very liberating. Then we use the information to address any behaviours that we consider to be a problem. Others will not accept the diagnosis, or they may accept it but not accept or agree that some behaviours are a problem. I think you need to be prepared for that possibility.

I did not originally accept it when family members told me I probably had AS. However, the reason for my attitude was that I didn't really understand AS. Out of idle curiosity (not thinking it applied to me) I searched some Youtube videos on the subject. One of them was different...when I watched that one it started to make sense. Then I did loads and loads of research, mostly reading things by persons who were themselves aspies, and it became more and more clear that this described me.
I could only accept this after gaining a correct understanding of what AS is.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I did not originally accept it when family members told me I probably had AS. However, the reason for my attitude was that I didn't really understand AS. Out of idle curiosity (not thinking it applied to me) I searched some Youtube videos on the subject. One of them was different...when I watched that one it started to make sense. Then I did loads and loads of research, mostly reading things by persons who were themselves aspies, and it became more and more clear that this described me.
I could only accept this after gaining a correct understanding of what AS is.

Maybe you can bring AS up with your husband in relation to your daughter. Find material that addresses it in girls (Aspergirls, or Aspergers and Pink are interesting books) and share this with your husband. After he has thought about it in relation to someone else, he might find it easier to think about it in relation to himself.
Here's a cute story about aspergers in a family Asperger's: 'This is our normal' | Life and style | The Guardian

 

[NTWife]

I guess what I'm seeing, 911Dispatcher, is that you'd already made up your mind to go back to him and just wanted validation for the decision.

Most aspies are OF COURSE great during the courtship. YOU are their project and as soon as he's back in your life full-time, he'll move on to the next project.

Good luck with that since you'd already made up your mind before posting here the first time.

A friend and I were talking about something related to this: It's so hard to turn away from someone you love. For her, it was a long-term boyfriend (13 years) whom she loved a great deal. He was addicted to heroin, which he didn't have when they began living together. She finally had enough of it all as his life had gone into the toilet and he'd lost pretty much everything; his job, the house, the cars, and they were living in a cheap apartment and she was supporting him and his habit. She finally left and six months later, he OD'd and was gone. His family blames her for his death but she knows she did the right thing. He was going to OD whether she was there or not. But the bottom line is, as much as she loved him, he was toxic for her and she left so she could regain her life again.

However, she admits she stayed far longer than she should have because he kept telling her he loved her and THIS TIME, he was going to get the help he needed. This happened numerous times and she believed it every time. She also kept telling herself, "If I just love him more and stand by him and give him more support, this time he'll do it." It all came to a head for her when she learned he'd stolen some money from her and she couldn't pay the bills that month. For people who are what I call "Hoovers", those who suck the life out of you and refuse to do anything to work with their partner to improve their life together, there's not enough love in the world.

Just because you love someone, and they love you back, it doesn't mean they're right for you. Sometimes, the greatest act of love you can commit is to recognize this and allow the both of you to move on.

 

[NTWife]

To answer the original question, if your husband is not aware that he has AS, then none of his annoying behaviours will change. If some of them absolutely must change in order for you to be happy in your relationship, then you need to tell him that you think he has AS. Some of us accept the information happily and find it very liberating. Then we use the information to address any behaviours that we consider to be a problem. Others will not accept the diagnosis, or they may accept it but not accept or agree that some behaviours are a problem. I think you need to be prepared for that possibility. It's up to you to decide which of your husband's behaviours are a dealbreaker for you. Then give him the opportunity to change and be prepared to assist him through that process, but also be prepared to walk away if he doesn't feel the same way.

Ultimately, he is the one who must take responsibility for the change. If he isn't prepared to do that then you will probably be frustrated and unhappy if you choose to stay.

Exactly right, Cyanide Lollipop. However, not all Aspies are even willing to change, believing they need to do nothing at all to make things better, that the rest of the world should just adjust to them. It's a very difficult disorder to work with and if the aspie isn't willing to work on things, too, there's nothing anyone can do.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Exactly right, Cyanide Lollipop. However, not all Aspies are even willing to change, believing they need to do nothing at all to make things better, that the rest of the world should just adjust to them. It's a very difficult disorder to work with and if the aspie isn't willing to work on things, too, there's nothing anyone can do.

This applies to anyone.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Most aspies are OF COURSE great during the courtship. YOU are their project and as soon as he's back in your life full-time, he'll move on to the next project.

How many Aspies have you been married to?

Just because you love someone, and they love you back, it doesn't mean they're right for you. Sometimes, the greatest act of love you can commit is to recognize this and allow the both of you to move on.

You are obviously very miserable and bitter. Why are you staying with your husband when you are advising others to stay away from us?

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Exactly right, Cyanide Lollipop. However, not all Aspies are even willing to change, believing they need to do nothing at all to make things better, that the rest of the world should just adjust to them. It's a very difficult disorder to work with and if the aspie isn't willing to work on things, too, there's nothing anyone can do.

If anyone, NT or Aspie, isn't willing to change a problem behaviour, then don't marry either of them. But not all of us remain self-focused. Some of us work very hard to keep our relationships healthy.

 

[NTWife]

How many Aspies have you been married to?



You are obviously very miserable and bitter. Why are you staying with your husband when you are advising others to stay away from us?

Gee,Cyanide, looks like reading comprehension isn't your strong suit.

 

[Kelly]

My husband hasn't been officially diagnosed with AS but we were in marriage counseling for several months when it came up and our counselor feels this is a viable thing for my husband. However, my husband refuses to acknowledge this, at all.

This is part of your very first post here, in which you stated your husband is not officially diagnosed and will not ackowledge it. So in less then 2 weeks your husband has accepted his AS and has gotten his diagnosis? I must say that is the fastest diagnosis process I've ever heard of! Who exactly diagnosed him? The counselor? It does not work like that, a professional trained in autism would need to do it, what sort of assessment did he have?

I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm abused (yes, that's gone on, too), I've been lied to, I've been cheated on and I'm still here, operating under the belief he's done all these things because of AS. I don't know, maybe it IS time to move on, but this is my last ditch effort to save a marriage of nearly 3 decades.

Again your first post it would appear that you were still with him and trying to work things out, so again in less then 2 weeks you have left him but how is someone on a forum supposed to just know that, you only stated in a separate post yesterday that you had asked for a separation so cut cyanide some slack perhaps they haven't read that particular post, particularly as in your first post in this thread you state this (which was only 4 days ago);

As far as loving him, I'm sure you do. I love my husband to the point of distraction.

I think you need to re-evalute your attitude towards people with Asperger's, you married a jerk who MAY have Asperger or he MAY have a seperate or co-morbid condition(s) causing him to behave in such a way and yet you are talking about Aspie's as if you personally know all of them and that they are all as terrible as your husband.

 

[Ylva]

Gee,Cyanide, looks like reading comprehension isn't your strong suit.

You make sweeping generalisations, you consistently get your mental disorders mixed up, and now you throw around insults. In what bizarre alternative universe would it make sense to demand that we just tolerate that? Did you just not realise that a forum named "aspies central" would have Aspies on it?

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Gee,Cyanide, looks like reading comprehension isn't your strong suit.

My reading comprehension is just fine, thank you. How does it feel to know that the average Aspie can recognise sarcasm easier than you?

 

[asnlifecoach]

Better to not engage in the conversation.