5-year-old boy who refuses to have his diaper changed. Need advice

[Kayla55]

Thank you for your reply, @preWarp

My son is very attached to his routines and finds it difficult to stop what he's doing, especially when he's playing with his LEGO, which he loves more than anything. For some time now, we have been following a schedule where we have planned diaper changes around breakfast, lunch, and when we go out. It usually works well.

During diaper changes, I usually let him sit on the toilet for a while with his tablet and play. Sometimes he refuses, and I just let it go, I don’t want to force him. Occasionally, he pees on the toilet, even though he doesn’t seem to realize it himself, and I always make sure to praise him for that.

When it comes to his habit of rocking back and forth on his bottom, either on the floor or on a chair after he has pooped, it seems to come and go in phases. At first, he would do it often in front of me, but then he stopped, maybe because he noticed my reaction. Nowadays, he mostly does it alone in his room and seems to find it amusing. When I see him doing it, I go in and tell him that’s not something we do, but as soon as he notices me, he comes up and asks me to leave, sometimes he even pushes me out of the room.

I find it really hard to know how to handle these situations, like when he refuses to come with me to change his diaper or when I catch him rocking on his bottom in his room.

Natural curiosity isn't such a bad thing, I'd not make him feel bad about himself but rather just underline message not to do it in public.
Many issues resolve by themselves, eventually but at least didn't leave negative impression.

Have you checked he's regular, and what time? Then try drift to toilet then

 

[emjn]

When he was younger, he almost always pooped after breakfast, but now it’s completely random, there’s no specific time that’s more common. It’s really hard to know if he needs to poop. Often kids show some signs when it’s time, like going away and hiding. It just happens, sometimes while we’re watching TV or even in the middle of playing, he’ll just stop, poop, and then continue playing as if nothing happened.

If we’re outside and I notice he’s pooping, I usually take his hand and move us to a more private spot if there are a lot of people around. I’ve also tried talking to him about at least going to the bathroom when we’re at home, even if he’s still using his diaper, but so far, he doesn’t seem to care whether he’s alone or surrounded by people.

 

[Kayla55]

When he was younger, he almost always pooped after breakfast, but now it’s completely random, there’s no specific time that’s more common. It’s really hard to know if he needs to poop. Often kids show some signs when it’s time, like going away and hiding. It just happens, sometimes while we’re watching TV or even in the middle of playing, he’ll just stop, poop, and then continue playing as if nothing happened.

If we’re outside and I notice he’s pooping, I usually take his hand and move us to a more private spot if there are a lot of people around. I’ve also tried talking to him about at least going to the bathroom when we’re at home, even if he’s still using his diaper, but so far, he doesn’t seem to care whether he’s alone or surrounded by people.

If he's not going in mornings have meal times changed, maybe snacking?
I find red meat difficult to digest, takes longer to digest.

 

[emjn]

If he's not going in mornings have meal times changed, maybe snacking?
I find red meat difficult to digest, takes longer to digest.

Sometimes he poops a little while after breakfast in the morning, but it’s very inconsistent. I’m going to try to pay more attention to what times it happens. Today, I noticed that he had pooped in the afternoon while playing in his room. As usual, he didn’t care at all. I calmly went in and told him we needed to change his diaper.

As always, he immediately went from calm to completely wild, screaming, jumping, and trying to push me away. He kept yelling that he hadn’t pooped and just wanted to be left alone. He doesn’t care, and he has such a hard time leaving whatever he’s doing. He would quite happily sit in his dirty diaper all day if I let him, it doesn’t bother him whatsoever!

I find this so hard to handle. I don’t know how to act or what to do.
Otherwise, he’s usually calm when I change his diaper, but that’s when it’s part of a familiar routine that he’s well aware of, like in the morning before breakfast.

 

[lunarious]

Maybe you should enter in his zone and be his friend? ... my dad used to sing to me, and i sang, when i went to toilet.

Edit: Or you could wait until he's over 7 years old.

 

[Good boy]

When he needs a diaper change trying to give him a hug and a good joyfull time for a couple minutes and then change him

 

[emjn]

I'm trying to stay calm, but he has such a hard time stepping away or taking a break from whatever he's doing. He gets so deeply focused on what he's engaged in. I've tried explaining to him that it only takes a moment to change his diaper and that he might get a sore bottom if we don’t do it, but he just gets angry, tries to push me out, and shuts the door.

 

[lunarious]

I'm trying to stay calm, but he has such a hard time stepping away or taking a break from whatever he's doing. He gets so deeply focused on what he's engaged in. I've tried explaining to him that it only takes a moment to change his diaper and that he might get a sore bottom if we don’t do it, but he just gets angry, tries to push me out, and shuts the door.

Try to not explain things. I know you know he is not your brother yet.

But give him "choise" and ask, and not in a mono-tone way. F.ex. sore butt like you said. Ask him 1) if he want to do whatever he's doing and have NOW sore butt, or 2) ask him do you want me to help? When he experiences sore butt.

Let him develop his own experience. Let him own his self. .... In Norway Children put stones and toys in their mouth, and play with grass, so they develop mental fortitude and strength. In my case I've had a sterile and over-protected development.

 

[Good boy]

I'm trying to stay calm, but he has such a hard time stepping away or taking a break from whatever he's doing. He gets so deeply focused on what he's engaged in. I've tried explaining to him that it only takes a moment to change his diaper and that he might get a sore bottom if we don’t do it, but he just gets angry, tries to push me out, and shuts the door.

He is too young to get this explanation, he'll not understand it and not click with his mind. He just need emotional support and understanding

 

[emjn]

If I understand you correctly, it’s better to give him a choice, either we change right away and avoid a sore butt, or he keeps playing and experiences it for himself? The problem is that he usually doesn’t listen to me in these situations. When I try to talk to him, he just wants me to leave him alone.

Should I really just leave him if he doesn’t care? That doesn’t feel right, I just want to help him. No matter what I do, it feels like I’m doing something wrong.

 

[Aspychata]

l used bribery in the toddler age. She didn't want to use the toilet. One day she walked down the stairs and peed. l just said calmly, why did you do that. Quite calmly, she answered that she wanted to know how it felt. And l didn't say anything else. But she was going on 3+, and she needed to be out of diapers. l bought miniature candy, put in bathroom in a jar, and stated that every time she used the toilet, she could pick a treat. In one week she was trained. Also, the candy just disappeared, and no problems. Have you thought about cheerios in the toilet? You tell them to aim at them. But for poop, that is when he will get a candy, or a small toy, or his favorite snack. This is the only time l needed to use bribery, but it was worth it. Sure , there may be some mishaps, just handle them in a non- confrontational manner. I actually brought a small potty chair with us for about a month, also they have little seats that can be placed on a regular size toilet to make it feel less intimidating. Once she saw her friend use the toilet, then she was right on board. Also mentioned that a museum trip, or a swim at the toddler pool, or go to the arcade will be a special trip when he is potty trained. Maybe let him pick from several choices like an ice cream shop, and put on the fridge his name, and his reward for using the toilet, like turn it in to a fun exciting day. Then just be patient.

 

[lunarious]

l used bribery in the toddler age. She didn't want to use the toilet. One day she walked down the stairs and peed. l just said calmly, why did you do that. Quite calmly, she answered that she wanted to know how it felt. And l didn't say anything else. But she was going on 3+, and she needed to be out of diapers. l bought miniature candy, put in bathroom in a jar, and stated that every time she used the toilet, she could pick a treat. In one week she was trained. Also, the candy just disappeared, and no problems. Have you thought about cheerios in the toilet? You tell them to aim at them. But for poop, that is when he will get a candy, or a small toy, or his favorite snack. This is the only time l needed to use bribery, but it was worth it. Sure , there may be some mishaps, just handle them in a non- confrontational manner. I actually brought a small potty chair with us for about a month, also they have little seats that can be placed on a regular size toilet to make it feel less intimidating. Once she saw her friend use the toilet, then she was right on board. Also mentioned that a museum trip, or a swim at the toddler pool, or go to the arcade will be a special trip when he is potty trained. Maybe let him pick from several choices like an ice cream shop, and put on the fridge his name, and his reward for using the toilet, like turn it in to a fun exciting day. Then just be patient.

That (bribery) is external motivation. Drugs are external also...

 

[Aspychata]

Well my daughter is very well adjusted, has a position at a university, and is in seven year relationship. And graduated from the university. And dosen't do drugs. And she had many special interests that she would do for hours on end. I don't think a little candy would turn her into a drug addict.

 

[Aspychata]

These also help kids feel comfortable in the bathroom. Do you have this by any chance?

 

[emjn]

Regarding potty training, this is something I have tried, and I have also been in contact with his pediatrician several times for guidance. But he shows no interest in the toilet. He doesn’t care when his diaper is wet or dirty. He also doesn’t show any signals when he needs to pee or poop by going away and hiding like many kids do. Most likely, he either doesn’t get or doesn’t understand these signals when he needs to go. I have been advised to wait until he starts showing some kind of interest in this and have also been warned that this might take a long time.

However, during diaper changes, if he agrees, I let him sit on the toilet with the tablet for a little while, up to five minutes. There have been times when he has peed in the toilet, but when he does, he doesn’t seem to notice or care.

I have also tried several times to let him go without a diaper, but it doesn’t take long before he has a little accident.

 

[Aspychata]

My daughter had zero interest in using the toilet. She also didn't want to give up her pacifier. We had a going away party for it. We tied balloons to it, and waved good-bye, and it worked. l did worry about this.

 

[Mary Terry]

l used bribery in the toddler age. She didn't want to use the toilet. One day she walked down the stairs and peed. l just said calmly, why did you do that. Quite calmly, she answered that she wanted to know how it felt. And l didn't say anything else. But she was going on 3+, and she needed to be out of diapers. l bought miniature candy, put in bathroom in a jar, and stated that every time she used the toilet, she could pick a treat. In one week she was trained. Also, the candy just disappeared, and no problems. Have you thought about cheerios in the toilet? You tell them to aim at them. But for poop, that is when he will get a candy, or a small toy, or his favorite snack. This is the only time l needed to use bribery, but it was worth it. Sure , there may be some mishaps, just handle them in a non- confrontational manner. I actually brought a small potty chair with us for about a month, also they have little seats that can be placed on a regular size toilet to make it feel less intimidating. Once she saw her friend use the toilet, then she was right on board. Also mentioned that a museum trip, or a swim at the toddler pool, or go to the arcade will be a special trip when he is potty trained. Maybe let him pick from several choices like an ice cream shop, and put on the fridge his name, and his reward for using the toilet, like turn it in to a fun exciting day. Then just be patient.

I potty trained all my kids with M&Ms. Bribery works for many children.

 

[Mary Terry]

That (bribery) is external motivation. Drugs are external also...

How many of your children have you potty-trained? Obviously, none.

If you think about it, verbal praise for a child using the toilet is also an external motivation.

 

[emjn]

I’ve tried using rewards for potty training several times, but he just doesn’t care. I’ve tried using a sticker chart, letting him collect cars, LEGO, etc., but he hasn’t shown the slightest interest in it.

There’s a lot about my son’s behavior that I just don’t understand, especially his lack of desire for privacy when he needs to go. This morning, for example, we went grocery shopping. I had a feeling he might need to poop since he didn’t go yesterday, so I waited quite a while at home after breakfast before we left. But of course, as soon as we got to the store, that’s when it happened. It irritates me that he doesn’t step away on his own when he needs to poop so he can have some privacy, instead of just stopping where he is with people around him. So I took his hand and moved us to a quieter place to give him a bit more privacy.

As for getting him to the restroom to change his diaper, I’ve completely given up on that. It’s just not worth it. I’ve tried so many times before, offering candy, even trying to trick him into coming with me, but as soon as he realizes where we’re going, he either runs away or throws himself on the ground, screaming. He just doesn’t care.

It wasn’t until we were heading home that he reacted at all. When I was helping him take off his jacket before getting in the car, he refused. That’s always been a sign that he’s trying to hide something. But I was very clear with him, I told him I knew he had pooped, and that he would get a bath when we got home.

I just don’t know the best way to handle these situations.

 

[emjn]

Hey everyone, just wanted to share a quick update!

The past few days, we’ve been trying to remove the diaper for a bit during lunchtime to see how he’d react. Honestly, I expected some serious resistance, but he didn’t seem to mind at all, was totally fine wearing just underwear and pants.

The first two days, he had a couple of accidents while we were eating. He didn’t react or say anything, and I didn’t even notice until he got up from the table and I saw his pants were a bit wet. I calmly asked if he’d had an accident, but he completely ignored it.

On the third day, I decided to keep the diaper on until after he finished eating and had a chance to sit on the toilet. This time, though, he ended up pooping himself while playing in his room after lunch. I didn’t notice until I went in to give him an ice cream and got hit by the smell. I calmly asked if he’d had a little accident, but he denied it and just wanted me to leave. When he stood up to push me out (as he usually does), I saw the mess. I picked him up to take him to the bathroom, and of course, he completely freaked out, screaming, kicking, the whole ordeal. It’s always a battle when he’s pooped, diaper or not. I keep telling him it’ll hurt his bottom if we don’t get cleaned up, but he just doesn’t care. He’s getting so big and strong now that it’s becoming hard to handle him.

Maybe he’s just not ready yet. I think I’ll wait until he shows some interest himself.