A Confusing Revolutiuon at 59

[paul64]

My whole life has been defined by a constant brutalizing inner debate that follows on contributions by my parents, later friends, girlfriends, wife, etc.:

"What's wrong with you?"

1. Am I evil?
2. Stupid?
4. Lazy?
5. Crazy?
6. Just don't care?

Now, at 59, "What's wrong with me?" has become "You."

That "you" is twice as confused with a LOT more painful memories...and one part of me still screaming, "You're just trying to deny you're evil, stupid, etc."

"You're saying I'm supposed to like myself now?!"

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Through Cognitive Processing Therapy I had to confront the lies I told myself in order to get a more realistic viewpoint.
- What are the emotional triggers?
- What are the feelings/emotions that those triggers create?
- What do I tell myself when those feelings are triggered?
- What can I tell myself instead?
- What are the stuck points that prevent me from moving on from those feelings to create an alternate narrative?
-Belief/ Stuck Point?
- What is evidence for and against this?
- Is the stuck point a habit or based on fact?
- In what ways is your stuck point not including all of the information?
- Does the stuck point include all or none terms?
- Does the stuck point words or phrases that are extreme or exaggerated?
- in what way is your stuck point focused on just one piece of the story?
- Where did this stuck point come from? Is this information dependable?
- How is your stuck point confusing something that is possible with something likely?
- In what way is your stuck point based on feelings rather than fact?
- In what ways is this stuck point focused on unrelated parts of your story?

Are you also telling yourself lies about who you are? It is hard work confronting them and I had to make myself uncomfortable confronting them. You begin to like yourself by writing a positive narrative about yourself. I hope I've given you a little inkling that it is possible with serious introspection.

 

[Au Naturel]

I am really confused. What does the shift from "me" to "you" mean? Instead of giving yourself absurd levels of grief, another person is doing it? Or the other way around?

It sounds like you grew up in an environment where everyone gave you massive guilt trips, either to intimidate you or to manipulate you, and as an adult, you stuck with the same kinds of people.

Unless you spend your days thinking about how you want to harm others, I doubt you are evil. The other things you worry about (stupid, lazy, crazy, don't care) are too subjective to matter.

 

[Rodafina]

"You're saying I'm supposed to like myself now?!"

Yes. But first, you must get to know your real self, without all the input from outside sources. Separate yourself from these comments and memories, and possibly these people if they are still making you feel so terrible. Many of us need to get to know ourselves again later in life, and you can do it too.

 

[AO1501]

Yes. But first, you must get to know your real self, without all the input from outside sources. Separate yourself from these comments and memories, and possibly these people if they are still making you feel so terrible. Many of us need to get to know ourselves again later in life, and you can do it too.

I couldn't say it better than this, but I will add that many of us spend a lifetime hearing other people's opinions of us as people, not because there is really anything wrong with us, but because we're just different.

The problem isn't really us, it is the lack of tolerance to difference, the lack of understanding of difference, and the lack of preparedness to coexist with difference.

The harms that others can do to us is through their ignorance, not our faults.

 

[paul64]

That's good, specific, usable advice. Thanks much!

 

[Au Naturel]

You need to accept yourself first; that comes even before knowing yourself. Whatever comes up, I will accept—not unconditionally accepting means you will find ways to avoid truths you don't want to accept.

There are things you cannot change. You have no choice but to accept those things. (Well... you could just deny reality but that never works out well.) That's where mitigation comes in. There are things you can change, but you need to accept them before deciding whether or not you want to modify them.

Acceptance is morally neutral. Whether something is good or evil in your value system is relevant to modification - or mitigation - but first, you must neutrally accept it or lose your ability to do anything about it.

Other people's opinions do not define you; they define those other people. You can be a saint, but some people will still say you are evil to get inside your head and get an advantage over you. You can be a monster, and some people will still tell you nice things, again, as a way to manipulate.

You are who you are right now; the past doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is the very next thing you do. It's the only thing in life you have any control over.