A Hurting Heart

[Maelstrom]

My ex-girlfriend I almost married who broke my heart...just showed up at my church for a musical I almost went to. She never ever goes to my church not even when we dated. I have no clue what to do if it happens again and I'm there. It will be like running into Hanible Lector and the Princess Bride at the same time. Eeeep! I thought we were done.

 

[Beverly]

My ex-girlfriend I almost married who broke my heart...just showed up at my church for a musical I almost went to. She never ever goes to my church not even when we dated. I have no clue what to do if it happens again and I'm there. It will be like running into Hanible Lector and the Princess Bride at the same time. Eeeep! I thought we were done.

Yipes! Time to put on that false smile and learn the lines "It's good to see you again. I didn't think you'd come tonight but, I'm glad you did." and "You're looking well tonight." so well you could deliver them in your sleep. And try to not sound totally insincere saying those lines. LOL

Well, that's what I would do, but that's what I've been trained to do. I know it isn't easy to deal with exes you really don't want to see again, especially when you unintentionally meet them in public. I feel for you, I've had to deal with a couple of mine repeatedly in similar situations. Be falsely polite if she approaches you, otherwise ignore her would probably be the best thing to do. I know, that's basically lying but, if she tries to cause a scene and, you are the polite one, it's clear to any onlooker that it was her being the vengeful one and not you.

 

[illud]

My coping mechanisms are:
- music, either different that the feelings I have -to distract my mind-, same as my feelings to go deep ther and cry if I must.
- watch a movie with a similar pattern than the music.
- go for a walk, better if to the countryside since I usually re-charge/balance myself there faster and better.
- do some sports or play some music.
- have a listening ear that is patient, but since for us tends to be diffcult to make friends that's not usually an option.

 

[Maelstrom]

"Beverly, post: 235612, member: 13595"]Yipes! Time to put on that false smile and learn the lines "It's good to see you again. I didn't think you'd come tonight but, I'm glad you did." and "You're looking well tonight." so well you could deliver them in your sleep. And try to not sound totally insincere saying those lines. LOL

Well, that's what I would do, but that's what I've been trained to do. I know it isn't easy to deal with exes you really don't want to see again, especially when you unintentionally meet them in public. I feel for you, I've had to deal with a couple of mine repeatedly in similar situations. Be falsely polite if she approaches you, otherwise ignore her would probably be the best thing to do. I know, that's basically lying but, if she tries to cause a scene and, you are the polite one, it's clear to any onlooker that it was her being the vengeful one and not you.

Thank you Beverly I will try but most likely it will come down to nods and passing plaintively bleated Hi's while we circle eachother like wolves. My ex-girlfriend is not the type who is willing to own any of her mistakes, if I say even the smallest thing she will try to humiliate me publicly. I have a endless supply of ammunition for return fire, but I'm down to my last church in the area...and a fight like that would end attendance permanently. So if she wants to speak with me, a safer place will have to be chosen, not that it would change anything, it's not safe for me to go near her with the crazy step Mom still around.

 

[Beverly]

Learn some new ammunition, polite compliments. That is far more devastating to someone like that than stooping to their level and insulting them. They want the fight, want to draw attention, a negative attention suits them just fine. If you can remain polite no matter what they say, they end up the angry, frustrated ones and usually storm off, fuming mad that they couldn't get to you. Any onlookers see them as the foolish jerk that tried to cause trouble and, you the social hero for preventing a public fight.

It took me a while to learn and, a good publicist telling me what to do but, it does work and, keeps your reputation positive. I'm sure you've experienced it, nothing will deflate you faster when you are trying to be angry than the person you try to be angry at being soft spoken and polite no matter what you say or, how loudly you yell.

 

[Maelstrom]

Yes Beverly you are right, I do lean that way more in real life, I vent too much here online, but there is always room for improvement. Thank you I will make a mental note to do that more, it is always better to be Kind and Classy even if a person deserves get wacked. You never know how long something you say will haunt them. Maybe I will figure out a way to be distantly politely friendly To my exgirlfriend she has had a hard life. I would have tried to be there for her more even after the breakup, but there is inherent danger in getting too close to that family situation. The step Mom has a pattern of using very bad false arrest charges to win family custody disputes, and she will do almost anything to get her hands on my ex-es baby,(not mine). Not safe for me at all. Ha ha! my cats are play tag!.......

 

[Beverly]

Yes Beverly you are right, I do lean that way more in real life, I vent too much here online, but there is always room for improvement. Thank you I will make a mental note to do that more, it is always better to be Kind and Classy even if a person deserves get wacked. You never know how long something you say will haunt them. Maybe I will figure out a way to be distantly politely friendly To my exgirlfriend she has had a hard life. I would have tried to be there for her more even after the breakup, but there is inherent danger in getting too close to that family situation. The step Mom has a pattern of using very bad false arrest charges to win family custody disputes, and she will do almost anything to get her hands on my ex-es baby,(not mine). Not safe for me at all. Ha ha! my cats are play tag!.......

That sounds like a really toxic family and like your ex is just being how she was raised to be. She may not know, or have any desire to be a better person that the rest of her family. It also sounds like you recognize that and would prefer not to add fuel to those fires, as it were.

I think distant but polite and aware of her situation would be the best approach. Don't be rude but, make it clear that you don't want to associate with her unless you both happen to attend the same event or something like that. We can't help everyone, as much as we might like to and, I think you see that this would be a no win, and potentially dangerous, or at the least not healthy for you relationship.

It took me years to learn the I need to take responsibility for caring for myself FIRST and, that isn't being selfish, it's being smart enough to make sure I am at my best so that I am best able to be there for and help others. Once in a while, that means ending a relationship, be that a romantic one, a friendship, or a business relationship. It's never an easy decision to make but, there will be better relationships of that type down the road and, it is better to end it before it does serious damage to you than to wait and hope things might change when there is evidence that they likely won't.

 

[Maelstrom]

That sounds like a really toxic family and like your ex is just being how she was raised to be. She may not know, or have any desire to be a better person that the rest of her family. It also sounds like you recognize that and would prefer not to add fuel to those fires, as it were.

Yeah! Toxic is the word, and my ex-es other family in texas is even worse, actually my ex is the best of the lot, she has been going to church and trying to improve hers self, she got her first nurse thing and I helped her find her first job. I don't really hold a grudge against her, she did some really messed up stuff to me, but I'm not sure she understood how much she was carving me up with her games?, tests?, manipulations?, I really don't know what to call them. The step mom however has been trying to claim she is my sister, has a sort history of romantic stalking of younger guys, I personally think she is obsessed with my family and maybe getting close to me any way she can. I learned however the hard way that will not protect me from her baby control obsession. Generally I'll be nice to any one, but in this case it's garlic wreaths and wooden stakes all the way. It would be almost impossible to even be friends with my ex with out drawing in the step mom on me again.

 

[Beverly]

I don't blame you, Maelstrom, the MIL sounds like a stalker, a very bad kind of stalker to acquire. I would have had security look into the woman were I in your place but, I know that isn't an option for you. Be wary, if she escalates it at all, you might have to get law enforcement involved.

I know no one wants to do that but, if she does things to jeopardize your safety or, destroy you financially, or damage your reputation in any way that affects your ability to get a job or, go where you please, when you please then it's a serious problem and usually one an individual can't stop alone.

Avoidance is the best in those cases, but isn't always possible despite your best efforts.

 

[Maelstrom]

I don't blame you, Maelstrom, the MIL sounds like a stalker, a very bad kind of stalker to acquire. I would have had security look into the woman were I in your place but, I know that isn't an option for you. Be wary, if she escalates it at all, you might have to get law enforcement involved.

I know no one wants to do that but, if she does things to jeopardize your safety or, destroy you financially, or damage your reputation in any way that affects your ability to get a job or, go where you please, when you please then it's a serious problem and usually one an individual can't stop alone.

Avoidance is the best in those cases, but isn't always possible despite your best efforts.

The Police were Zero help they wouldn't even look at her file to see the crazy calls from her place just edged me out the door and assumed my story was too crazy to be true. Basically I get to take my chances, get a concealed weapons permit or move. I'm working on the moving thing, hoping my luck doesn't run out, befor I pull it off, so far she has left me and the family alone mostly, I have a feeling it's not over, leaving the country may be the only way to be sure.

 

[Beverly]

I would advise the concealed carry permit, even moving does not guarantee freedom from the stalker. I have such a permit, and I do carry anywhere I legally can.

Yes it's a bit of training, a thorough background check, dedicating time to practice 2-3 times a week, a lot of laws and regulations to remember and, a serious responsibility being armed almost all times but, as I have often been reminded by officers I practice with "When seconds count, [the police] are just minutes away."

 

[Maelstrom]

I would advise the concealed carry permit, even moving does not guarantee freedom from the stalker. I have such a permit, and I do carry anywhere I legally can.

Yes it's a bit of training, a thorough background check, dedicating time to practice 2-3 times a week, a lot of laws and regulations to remember and, a serious responsibility being armed almost all times but, as I have often been reminded by officers I practice with "When seconds count, [the police] are just minutes away."

I live in the west and have owned quite a few guns over the years, and have a snow white record and such...that is all I'm going to say online. The stalker thing is bad anyway you slice it, it is very hard to keep them from surprising you, the best defence may be to put a illegal tracker on their car so you know if they are coming. I'm okay right now things are quiet no signs of escalation yet. Hopefully me or the family will move soon and end things. You are right tho, people do miss that cops mainly show up with the yellow tape, you really are on your own in real life, hoping on the kindness of strangers. It never hurts to be prepared some how.

 

[piney13]

Does anyone ever feel so much emotional pain that it physically hurts? How do you cope with pain that painful?

Music...

 

[Maelstrom]

So Cheryl do you have a heart hurting thing you would like to talk about?

 

[BlueConundrum]

I just experienced this sort of physical pain a couple of hours ago. I experience it all the time, actually.

Making art helps, or doing anything creative. Writing in a journal. Any kind of hobby that makes you feel accomplished. Physical activity is good, too, especially if it makes you stronger.

 

[TSS]

I rock in my rocking chair.