A question for NT's and Autistics ...

[Major Tom]

Actually Tom, my reaction to what your wife said is similar to yours and I am kind of surprised at so many responses that seem to be legitimizing what your wife said. She may see your father a bit more objectively but that doesn't mean she should ignore your feelings about what is happening. So I beg to differ. I hope you get the chance to repair your relationship with father and it's all good.

I'm glad someone at least agrees.
We are working on it. I live half way across the world from him, but we spoke today via a messenger for a couple of hours. It was really nice, and I could tell he's changed quite a bit over the years. I'm going to try and visit him if possible too. We had a lot of good times together, would be nice to rekindle that relationship.

 

[Albe]

My father passed away from cancer as well when I was 8, my mom took constant care of him until his death, abandoned her life for it, but still have stated a lot of times, specially as examples for me, that it was all because his bad past habits, like smoking. Her first comment is rational and understandable, considering it is partially truth considering the organic layout of your father. Any later comment about his death being benefitial on the last cancer stages I think can also be considered even as some kind of empathic.

The problem is the second phrase, it is clearly spotted as a manipulative phrase, even tho you are married for so long, it seems like a softened advice for you to not lose the inheritance, what denotes some interest of her on it.
Try fooling her by saying in serious tone that you though about donating the received funds all to some kind of charity specialized on autistic children and see her reaction to it, specially pay attention her arguments. I have a deep impression you are married to a gold digger extremely interested in your father's patrimonium.

 

[WereBear]

I don't particularly see anything good about her negativity. She does know him (we've been married 15 years).

But what does she think of him?

The way her response makes sense is if he has hurt you in the past.

 

[Gritches]

I don't think her response was all that out of the ordinary. It probably just shocked you so much because you don't really seem to care much about material wealth.

I had a similar situation recently. My Grandfather died moderately wealthy without a will. Blood is still being spilled (figuratively) over who gets his money. It disgusts me, all I got were his dog tags from WW2 and that means more to me than money, but from what I've gathered it's very typical of NTs to care a great deal about inheritances and such.

 

[Buzzerfly]

As an NT female who thinks males have some use... I find her response to be abnormal. While it's true that NTs dwell on the concepts of inheritance and bereavement costs, anyone worth their salt would choose the opportunity to love/be loved. Over money for selfish reasons.

It's true that money from one's family can protect you from all sorts of scary things: but a lot of people don't know who to give it to, or what to do if they receive it.

Who cares what you near did in the past, as long as it wasn't malicious. If you're having a cool time with him, see where it takes you.

 

[the_tortoise]

I don't think your wife's response was typical for NTs or autistics. (It's not unheard of for people to only care about money to the exclusion of caring about people / connections / love / experience / spirit / life, but I don't think it is the most common perspective/attitude for people to have.) Most people would try to express some concern for your dad and/or some concern for you -- for your emotional well-being, in particular.

 

[Major Tom]

I don't think your wife's response was typical for NTs or autistics. (It's not unheard of for people to only care about money to the exclusion of caring about people / connections / love / experience / spirit / life, but I don't think it is the most common perspective/attitude for people to have.) Most people would try to express some concern for your dad and/or some concern for you -- for your emotional well-being, in particular.

That is definitely what I would hope tortoise... Just a simple hug would have went a long way.

 

[the_tortoise]

but if you haven't had a secure childhood and later life it changes your view on money.

I did not have a materially/financially secure childhood. I remember times where there was no food and we relied entirely on the food bank. I remember my mum freaking out because she couldn't pay the rent. (My dad sent some support and bailed us out at times, so as far as poverty goes ours was not that bad - we always had housing and we didn't starve, but we were poor by North American standards.)

I think that growing up poor, your view of money can go either way -- you might value it more, or you might value it less. For me, I recognize how important it is to manage your money carefully and to save if at all possible (because you never know when you might have nothing) but money is not at the top of my list of important things in life and it never will be.

(I don't think it's inherently bad to wonder/think about inheritance at some point, but I can't understand focusing on that over everything else -- especially if that is literally the only thing that is ever focused on with respect to someone dying.)

 

[Major Tom]

I did not have a materially/financially secure childhood. I remember times where there was no food and we relied entirely on the food bank. I remember my mum freaking out because she couldn't pay the rent. (My dad sent some support and bailed us out at times, so as far as poverty goes ours was not that bad - we always had housing and we didn't starve, but we were poor by North American standards.)

I think that growing up poor, your view of money can go either way -- you might value it more, or you might value it less. For me, I recognize how important it is to manage your money carefully and to save if at all possible (because you never know when you might have nothing) but money is not at the top of my list of important things in life and it never will be.

(I don't think it's inherently bad to wonder/think about inheritance at some point, but I can't understand focusing on that over everything else -- especially if that is literally the only thing that is ever focused on with respect to someone dying.)

I grew up on the poor side of the fence too. If it wasn't for hunting, fishing, and gardening we would definitely had missed a lot of meals.. we moved from place to place a lot until I was about 12 and then we finally got an old ramshackle house to live in. Growing up the way I did made me have a lot of talents I never would have had if I would have grown up in a wealthy family. It made me realize that even without a lot of money, you can be happy, healthy, and wise. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

[Streetwise]

I grew up on the poor side of the fence too. If it wasn't for hunting, fishing, and gardening we would definitely had missed a lot of meals.. we moved from place to place a lot until I was about 12 and then we finally got an old ramshackle house to live in. Growing up the way I did made me have a lot of talents I never would have had, if I would have grown up in a wealthy family. It made me realize that even without a lot of money, you can be happy, healthy, and wise. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I came from a home where sometimes we had no food at all when I was a very young infant which as I said we also didn't have support!!!! i've very rarely heard of anybody being that poor that doesn't care about money afterwards.

 

[the_tortoise]

I came from a home where sometimes we had no food at all when I was a very young infant which as I said we also didn't have support!!!! i've very rarely heard of anybody being that poor that doesn't care about money afterwards.

I've known a lot of poor people (far poorer than I ever was, including homeless people) who don't prioritize money over everything else.

 

[Streetwise]

I've known a lot of poor people (far poorer than I ever was, including homeless people) who don't prioritize money over everything else.

so you disagree with me that's your choice

 

[the_tortoise]

so you disagree with me that's your choice

I don't disagree with you unless you think people who grow up poor never end up prioritizing other things over money.....

I was not trying to be mean/confrontational -- just sharing my experience because it is different to yours and if someone has an experience different to mine I like to hear about, usually......

 

[Major Tom]

I came from a home where sometimes we had no food at all when I was a very young infant which as I said we also didn't have support!!!! i've very rarely heard of anybody being that poor that doesn't care about money afterwards.

I guess I must be a rarity then. I trust what I can produce with my own hands more than some piece of paper any day. That's what a lack of money did for me, gave me abilities I probably would not have otherwise. I took the poop and turned it into gold.

 

[Streetwise]

I guess I must be a rarity then. I trust what I can produce with my own hands more than some piece of paper any day. That's what a lack of money did for me, gave me abilities I probably would not have otherwise. I took the poop and turned it into gold.

all you are centring on if the word money what about the word support !

 

[Major Tom]

all you are centring on if the word money what about the word support !

I had very little to no support either, I'm sorry I guess I just lumped the two together. We supported ourselves or we wouldn't have survived. We had no government or other support system other than what our relatively dysfunctional family could provide. We did have nature though, and I can see if you didn't have nature to provide support it would be a bleak existence indeed.

 

[Joel's Hear]

My two cents worth: to not care anything about money is either for the foolish or for those so innocent as to completely not understand that construct. To care too much earns you a first-class ticket to hell.

I agree with you Tom, in that nature can provide almost everything whereas money can't. But I myself don't have the money to buy land to work! That is the faulty world.

Please don't argue, streetwise, the tortoise, and major tom! Perhaps everyone's more in agreeance than it seems.

 

[Streetwise]

I had very little to no support either, I'm sorry I guess I just lumped the two together. We supported ourselves or we wouldn't have survived. We had no government or other support system other than what our relatively dysfunctional family could provide. We did have nature though, and I can see if you didn't have nature to provide support it would be a bleak existence indeed.

we had no support at all, my mother found a scallion in the garden when i was an infant ,so she had an onion.
then nothing ,she was physically ill, the rest is too private to say to anyone.

 

[Streetwise]

i

My two cents worth: to not care anything about money is either for the foolish or for those so innocent as to completely not understand that construct. To care too much earns you a first-class ticket to hell.

I agree with you Tom, in that nature can provide almost everything whereas money can't. But I myself don't have the money to buy land to work! That is the faulty world.

Please don't argue, streetwise, the tortoise, and major tom! Perhaps everyone's more in agreeance than it seems.

it takes more than one person to continue a disagreement

 

[Major Tom]

we had no support at all, my mother found a scallion in the garden when i was an infant ,so she had an onion.
then nothing ,she was physically ill, the rest is too private to say to anyone.

All I can say is I am very sorry you had things so tough. I hope things are better now.