A timed device for dispensing food?

[Boogs]

Well I can only apologise for my emotional clumsiness, no bad feeling was intended, I wasn't treating you as a joke. To be honest, the idea of it seemed a little unfeasible to me, and your practical description gave me no hint of the feeling behind it. Hence I never took it as seriously as you intended it, your prev post had a very different feel to it and provided that background feeling.

 

[Cutesie]

Didn't you hint at having a brother that is more autistic than you? Does that have something to do with that, perhaps? Are you seeing a therapist?

Yes. I call him Ikey as a pseudonym. I don't know what "level" he is. Another brother, Teddy, has other intellectual disabilities. Teddy is more "able" than Ikey. Both are quickly recognized by others as disabled. They are needy enough that they live in group homes, but high-functioning enough that they travel themselves and are capable of having jobs with supports in place. Both feel absolutely miserable in life. In different ways, each has a misery greater than the other.

Teddy is my oldest sibling. He was treated differently in a way that little me only saw what to be jealous about. It was never seriously explained to me why he got off the hook for certain things and received certain privileges. I'm sure that I didn't ask in a serious way, either, because I was closed emotionally and didn't express myself.

I am not currently seeing a therapist. I was, but we never connected and I dropped him to look for another one. The process is hugely overwhelming and anxiety-producing. It took me to a level of suicidal ideation that I hadn't experienced in years. After just being here for a couple of days, I'm really convinced that autism has to be part of my focus when trying to get treatment. The issues that I have are so numerous, my inability to open up is so ingrained. Writing here (and on another support site) I've been able to do. Talking is much more difficult. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Cutesie]

I'll probably write something like this numerous times on forums; I have to: When I write something this deeply personal, so much of my inner self goes into each sentence. When reading it back, I see the hidden stuff between the lines, but I also see that no one else can see them. It hurts a lot when we can't make ourselves understood.

 

[Cutesie]

Well I can only apologise for my emotional clumsiness, no bad feeling was intended, I wasn't treating you as a joke. To be honest, the idea of it seemed a little unfeasible to me, and your practical description gave me no hint of the feeling behind it. Hence I never took it as seriously as you intended it, your prev post had a very different feel to it and provided that background feeling.

I hated to make you feel badly. You couldn't know how emotionally-charged I was at the time. It was just a silly drawing.

 

[Boogs]

I hated to make you feel badly. You couldn't know how emotionally-charged I was at the time. It was just a silly drawing.

Actually, when I read your OP, the first thing came to mind was a Heath Robinson (the artist) contraption, hence that was what I posted. It was only meant as a light hearted bit of humour, nothing more.
But you don't make me feel bad beyond my not wishing to upset anyone, but I know full well how my posts can come across sometimes <sigh!>

 

[Boogs]

I'll probably write something like this numerous times on forums; I have to: When I write something this deeply personal, so much of my inner self goes into each sentence. When reading it back, I see the hidden stuff between the lines, but I also see that no one else can see them. It hurts a lot when we can't make ourselves understood.

You and me both! It is most frustrating sometimes!

 

[Cutesie]

@Cutesie

You may want to read up on B. F. Skinner, operant conditioning,
intermittent rewards....etc. For fun...

Example:
Operant Conditioning In Psychology: B.F. Skinner Theory

I understand why you were reminded of this theory when reading my post, but the two have nothing to do with each other.

Note to everyone: The article is interesting and can very well relate to a lot of people. Be prepared for some really nuanced splitting of hairs.

 

[tree]

Yes, @Cutesie , saying "I would like to eat out of a gumball machine."
definitely brought to my mind Skinner and the intermittent feedings.

 

[Rodafina]

@Cutesie
I think what you described in post #1 is a creative approach to your problem. I think tenacity and creativity can be valuable to problems that seem to persist despite our efforts to understand and intervene.

I can relate to what you are talking about because I am an addict in recovery. While I'm not suggesting that you have a food addiction, I am relating to the feeling you described of trying to control something that can feel beyond our control and wanting to give that responsibility over to a contraption or something that provides the limits for us.

I wonder if you could also investigate further what you think may be the underlying cause of the way that you eat. There must be something driving you to eat this way, and perhaps it could be helpful to understand that better.

 

[Cutesie]

@Cutesie

While I'm not suggesting that you have a food addiction,

I am relating to the feeling you described of trying to control something that can feel beyond our control and wanting to give that responsibility over to a contraption or something that provides the limits for us.

I wonder if you could also investigate further what you think may be the underlying cause of the way that you eat. There must be something driving you to eat this way, and perhaps it could be helpful to understand that better.

I don't know what it's called. It's terribly disordered, and has several components. Some are related to my mental health and personality that have nothing even to do with eating.

Aside from a therapist and psychiatrist, I also just started looking for a nutritionist. I'm not sure in which ways one can help me, and whether someone is willing to take on such a tough case. It can't be one that expects me to just follow their "plan". I'm just looking for someone to talk to about the things that aren't a therapist's job, and to get ideas and advice for how to make things easier.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I'll probably write something like this numerous times on forums; I have to: When I write something this deeply personal, so much of my inner self goes into each sentence. When reading it back, I see the hidden stuff between the lines, but I also see that no one else can see them. It hurts a lot when we can't make ourselves understood.

If you hang around here, you may find more people understand and can “read between the lines” than you may think.