A very private question

[Ylva]

I do try... to block it to be rid of it... there's got to be something i can do to be rid fully.

Fighting it strengthens it. I'm not sure what psychological mechanism that is, though it might just be the concentrating on it. According to Mexican shamans and Aikido masters alike, it is better to pay no attention to it. The voice is, after all, lying; and in any case obscuring your judgment, in that you'll be more likely to interpret neutral events as confirmation. Don't listen to it.

 

[Tom]

That's a unique perspective i did not view it like that... maybe i should?

It of course depends on both of you. For his part, if its history, and he doesn't bring it up or compare you, then your carrying an unnecessary weight. It probably comes from different places inside you. Like maybe pride, insecurity, etc (things we all have). Its normal to have those thoughts, but once you rationally examine them and there is no actual issue/problem then you can/should put it to rest.

One thing that helped me not care about my wife's past was that I had a past. How could I remember while she forgets? Being flawed and having done stupid things is useful if it teaches you humility and not to overly judge.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I do like what you have said here and i agree..

And of course, old lovers are a good source of tried and true methods of techniques to add to your repertoire, especially if you're a little creative.
To keep my response somewhat G-rated, I'll keep some of the spicy things to myself. Speaking of spice, a good teeth brushing and mouthwash can be titillating if you know how to use it.

 

[Judge]

You are a very strong person to not be jealous or envious...

In all honesty, I don't see it as a "strength". If anything, I sometimes ponder it as a possible neurological issue as well.

I've commented in another thread here somewhare on how it was problematic for me, rather than as an asset. Lovers don't react well if they discover you're hard-wired not to be jealous at all under just about any circumstances. Go figure.

But lacking envy, now that strikes me as a personal asset. That I live with the resources I have for better or for worse and don't waste time on what others have that I don't. Such pragmatism has served me well emotionally and financially.

But given all my relationships have eventually failed, in my own case maybe that's all I really am- a "sloppy second". I'm really not sure...

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I do try... to block it to be rid of it... there's got to be something i can do to be rid fully.

I have a voice that tells me if I'm perfect I might be good enough.

I call it the Hanging Judge (HJ)

The HJ is a liar. It tells me I'm not good enough. It never forgets any mistake I ever made. There is no mercy in it. It is a cousin of Despair and the Uncle of Folly--when I do something foolish to get away from it.

You've mentioned "strong competition." Is it real? Or did your voice invent it?

Doubt is corrosive. If you have cause to reproach yourself, then face it squarely, put it firmly behind you, and do better each day; you may as well SmileEachDay .

Here's an experiment. If you sat down and wrote a list of all the things you appreciate about your husband, what would be on it? (I'm saying I need to know. Just that you do.)

Now write down another list. How many things do you do just because they make him happy? (Again, I'm not the one who needs to know, but you do.)

Now ask yourself: is anything missing on the second list that would also reinforce the first? And then, is there anything missing on the second list that you can help him get if it's not "native" to you? (I.e, suppose he's highly social and you're agoraphobic. Can you feel good about letting him go out with the guys without feeling like you have to go along?) That sort of thing.

That will give you a useful way to "improve" without burning energy in a futile pursuit of something you can't change anyway...assuming it even exists.

Others may have even better ideas.

 

[metalminx24]

My husband and I are both each other's second marriage, and both feel that we learned a great deal from the first- for me, that being with someone when we both knew it wasn't right, just because I was scared to be alone, was a rubbish reason to stay (so eventually I left) ...and for him, that you can do everything right but you can't make someone love you who has moved on and decided that it's over.

I guess my point is, maybe your husband learned from his first marriage more about what it was that would really make him happy, and that's YOU!! I certainly feel very lucky to have had a second chance, and I know that I chose far more carefully this time around. Not everyone can get it right first time!

Self - doubt comes far more easily than self - confidence, but I think that's where trust comes in. I have no clue what my husband sees in me, but I have to trust that he loves me even though I think he's bonkers to do so! Trust isn't easy, but it's pretty important in a committed relationship. Be happy that you found each other, whatever different paths you took to get there. You're not sloppy seconds, everyone knows that dessert is better than main course!!

 

[On the Inside]

I had a similar experience with my ex-wife. She was my first sexual partner, and she had several sexual relationships before. I struggled with a lot of emotions around this that I wasn't able to identify. Part jealousy, envy, disbelief, maybe even a little disgust. Eventually I was able to get over it and develop a different attitude. My partner now, has also had several sexual relationships, while she is just my second. I hardly think of the disparity, and in fact when I do, am rather disappointed in myself for not having had more experiences myself. But time for that has long since passed.

 

[NiamhDomine]

I struggle a lot with this, my mental health consultant told me to acknowledge the thought but not engage with it, personally that was useless for me but it may work for you.
For a long time I forced myself to not think of it, which of course guaranteed thinking of it, to the point where I wouldn't even say his ex's name, and would hate to see it written or hear it spoken anywhere. If I met someone with the same name I automatically disliked them.
My partner is on the aspie spectrum, and we recently had a very in depth talk about ex's, something we have not done at all in the two years we've been together, we've avoided the topic like the plague. But we discussed it and came to the conclusion that we acknowledge each of us have pasts, but that they have nothing to do with the present.
I'm still finding it quite hard to come to terms with and be okay with, but at the end of the day it's incredibly rare for someone to find the right person for them the first time they try, it's just lucky they've found them now.

 

[gonz]

My gf and I both struggle with this. And worse than it might have been otherwise because we were close friends for years before we ever got romantically involved, so we actually witnessed pretty much all of each others past relationships. In fact, my first girlfriend back in high school was her (at the time) best friend. And, on top of that, we've both had partners who've cheated on us with their exes.

A certain amount of jealousy seems inevitable in most relationships. And jealousy based on the way one's partner is acting now can be useful; those negative feelings can provide the impetus to confront negative behaviors from that partner or to end an unhealthy relationship.

But jealousy based on things one's partner did in the past is worse than useless. It is toxic, and you need to do whatever you can to get rid of it.

I suppose you can take that little voice that whispers in your ear about coming second… and ignore it. Freeze it out. Make it feel unwelcome. It has no power to wreck your marriage, and it should never think it does.

This.

It used to be that something like bumping into her ex while we were out would ruin our entire day. The jealousy would start gnawing at my brain. I knew it was unfair to take it out on her, so I'd say nothing. And the tension would build and build until I found some other excuse to blow up.

Now I've learned how to better deal with it. First I'll acknowledge it, to myself and to her, rather than trying to hide it because hiding it just gives it more power. Not make a big deal about it or anything, maybe just a sarcastic "boy, talking to your ex is my favorite thing in the whole world." And she'll say something like "I know, right? What an asshole." And that helps but, if I can still feel those feelings building up, I'll go ahead and take a couple minutes to myself (going off for a cigarette is a great excuse) and I'll push other thoughts into my mind to counter the jealous feelings. I'll think of nice things she's done for me recently, I'll remember back when they were dating and think of the times that she complained to me about this person and remind myself that if she still wanted to be with them she probably would be. And I'll literally tell myself "Stop! You are not going to fixate on this. Stop! She didn't do anything wrong!" over and over again for as long as I have to. And eventually it works. With a little time my head starts to clear and I can get back to enjoying her company and feeling more secure. And the more often I do this, the quicker it works each time.

 

[DC1346]

Hello everyone,

So i am upset... so i am married and i love my husband to death but he was married before me and i feel very upset feeling like im sloppy 2nd or something especially the intimate moments...

He always makes sure I know how he feels and i do know he feels very happy and blessed to be with me...

I guess it would be upsetting in that manner but the problem is i am an aspie and i know i am extra sensitive to it...

I've had meltdowns about it twice... and i know it is private but if anyone has experience of this or something i would love to hear your view

 

[DC1346]

Hello everyone,

So i am upset... so i am married and i love my husband to death but he was married before me and i feel very upset

Why are you upset? Do you doubt your husband's love? Do you not love him? The two of you are married! Surely he chose you just as you chose him.

The past cannot be undone.

Let me ask you this ... if he had not been married before would he be the same person he is now?

Do you not think that having been previously married, he does not appreciate you more ... love you more ... need you more?

Do you want him to leave you? Or will you build a future together?

The choice is yours.

 

[CeasarKungPow]

Hello everyone,

So i am upset... so i am married and i love my husband to death but he was married before me and i feel very upset feeling like im sloppy 2nd or something especially the intimate moments...

He always makes sure I know how he feels and i do know he feels very happy and blessed to be with me...

I guess it would be upsetting in that manner but the problem is i am an aspie and i know i am extra sensitive to it...

I've had meltdowns about it twice... and i know it is private but if anyone has experience of this or something i would love to hear your view

I can relate to this. Thankfully I don't have meltdowns about it. I won't be with a girl that had lots of boyfriends. I don't like girls that don't take sex seriously, that are promiscuous. Most of the guys I know like lose women. They don't seem to get my revulsion at people who simply have sex for the sake of it with whoever, whenever.
Sex is personal. Being uncomfortable at the thought of a partners previous relationships is normal for me. I simply try to put it out of my head. It happened.
I think your feelings are normal, but also think that he loves you and chose you.