About to be engaged to an Aspie... and worried.

[Celina]

Outsidein,

Please do PM me with the blog link, I'd love to read it! I just started reading the Journal of Best Practices and it's a relevant yet very entertaining book. I can't seem to put it down!

 

[Celina]

Hi Cerulean,

I am happy to hear about your relationship, especially how it improved after you and your husband have changed the way you communicate. I think rephrasing my questions, being more direct, and respecting his alone time will help me be better in my relationship; and they are all things that I think I can adapt to and become habits.

Eventually, I hope my bf will take it upon himself to explore Aspergers, and if and when he does, I want to be there to support him. I can't however support him without fully understanding Aspergers myself. I have so many questions, I am indeed thankful to have found this forum.

To you and everyone who has replied to my post, THANK YOU!

 

[OutsideIn]

Outsidein,

Please do PM me with the blog link, I'd love to read it! I just started reading the Journal of Best Practices and it's a relevant yet very entertaining book. I can't seem to put it down!

Glad you're enjoying the book! I loved his humor and honesty. Also, keep in mind that each person's AS is a little different so what your bf experiences is probably not exactly the same as those of us posting here or the Journal of Best Practices author. But the more you know, the better your general frame of reference will be when your bf is ready to share with you about his experiences.

I'll PM the link to the blog once I get the first post in the series up.

 

[Esse808]

Hi Celina and everyone!

I'm new to this forum but I figured I should chip in with my 2 cents since I can relate to how you're feeling. I am NT and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, living with him for 2 years. I'm currently pregnant with his child. About 4 months ago, I was reading about Aspergers and realized that most of the characteristics fit my boyfriend. I came to this forum just like you, wanting to know more information. Despite the fact that I'm pregnant, I too won't marry my boyfriend until I feel 100% confident that we can make things work because I don't want to deal with the legal hassles of a divorce. I really like Soup's advice to you and it is advice that I will keep in mind for my situation as well.

I guess I can consider myself lucky that my boyfriend is very loving and affectionate. He wasn't always this way. It took him a while to "warm up" to me. He was barely affectionate with me the first few months of our dating, weird about certain kinds of touching, and was even a bit cold to me at times, but once he became comfortable with being with me as a couple, he loosened up and now he's very affectionate. He's never bought me flowers or written me love letters. I did find an old one that he wrote a long time ago to an ex that he was pining away for and never sent so I know he's capable of writing his feelings down on paper if he feels absolutely compelled to. All of his attempts at planning a romantic rendezvous for us have failed because it obviously is not something that comes naturally to him and was only attempted when I told him that I wished he were more romantic. Now that I know that he is Aspie, I understand why it was hard for him and I don't let the lack of traditional romance bother me. He calls me at work several times a day to see how my day is going, but mostly to talk my ear off about one of his obsessions. I'll take what I can get!

My ex (neurotypical) was a snake charmer and a half...romantic to the core, showered me with flowers, cards, poems, romantic trips and dinners. VERY attentive and loving from the start. We were together for 5 years (lived together for 3 of those years) and towards the end, I discovered that he was having inappropriate relationships and sex with several different women behind my back almost the whole time we were together. Cards, flowers, and poems became cheap and meaningless to me after that. My boyfriend, when he is not giving me attention, is attending to his work and his various obsessions...gardening, vintage electronics, motorcycles, and import cars. You could put a naked picture of any hot girl in front of my boyfriend and he'll barely notice, but put a Motor Trend magazine in front of him and he'll be reading about and researching car trends until he can teach a class on it. I gladly take that over the average beer-drinking, skirt-chasing male. I may sometimes feel like I'm in 2nd place behind his obsessions, but I know that he loves me and when he expresses it, it means more to me than any card or flowers ever could. It also helps that my boyfriend knows how obsessed he can get about things and appreciates a loving reminder to bring him back down to Earth if I need attention.

The best advice I can give is to learn more about Asperger's. The more you learn, the more it will help you to adjust to his personality or decide that you cannot. My life with my boyfriend is certainly not easy. At times, it takes a lot of effort for me to deal with some of his less desirable traits...the sometimes too-intense focus on his work and hobbies to the point of forgetting important things that need to be done, his inflexibility and need for routine, his occasional meltdowns and negativity. And I'm sure he'd tell you that he doesn't understand why I'm so "emotional" at times, how annoying it is when I "experiment" and try to cook something for dinner that he's never eaten before, or how he hates it when I drive us somewhere we've never been and get a little lost. I am a strong woman so I won't give up on him easily but everyone has their breaking point. Don't give up on your boyfriend so easily but do make sure your relationship is one that you can live with.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Hi Celina

Probably the best thing you could have done is come to this forum. A big group of aspies is probably the best place to come for the truth. lol

I just wanted to say that there is something else you should think about. Your original post said you wanted your partner to go get a label. You wanted him to get diagnosied. While others have have largely addressed this issue I want you to think about it from another aspect.

I come from a family where it is at least suspected that in part all my my siblings and my dad have asperger's. I'm the only one officially diagnosed and the others are at present all suspected as having aspergers. But my dad is very classic aspergers. He just won't confront it. And I think its because once he has this label of aspergers syndrome, which is closely associated with autism, he will have this disability, this label to carry around. It is a very large weight to carry. The rest of society will look at you different because you have this label. It took me about five years to confront what I knew was true. After five years I was diagnosed and my psychologist didn't even have to go through the check list ... she just said when I asked her about it "I don't even need to test you I'm sure you have it."

But having this over your head is asking for trouble in society in a way ... people think of autism at its worst usually, because that is all they have been exposed too. Would you like to be lumped into that group? Probably not. Your asking your husband to be lumped into that group by society when in actual fact that group has nothing to do with asperger's syndrome. The general population is ignorant and doesn't want to be educated. That is the world we face. Yes I am Jaded by the world but I have been abused and kicked around by this world for my whole life. All because of my asperger's syndrome. Maybe if I had known I could have gotten help to deal with it properly when I was a child. Maybe life would have been different. But as an adult I have had to come to terms with two facts about aspergers - 1. As an adult to change the way I am is not a small undertaking. It is a monumental task, a massive undertaking because my thought patterns are no longer in flux like they are as a child but more or less fixed now that I am an adult. and 2. That this is who I am. This is not a disease, it is not an illness. This is just a different way of thinking and being in this world. Its like one person having brown hair and one person having blonde hair. Or one person being Asian and one person being English. They are the same thing, but different genetic expressions of the same thing. 3. The world will forever judge me negatively because I don't conform to a neuro-typical social standard. Some people will appreciate the good things about having aspergers over the not so good and some people won't want to look past those lesser points. but you know what ... they miss out.

At the end of the day it is up to your partner if he wants to carry around this label that is going to colour society's view of him once he starts wearing it. It is not your decision. And you shouldn't force that on him. And what help does he really need? I think you have fallen in love with the Disney idea of romance ... which is a false idea. It makes a great fairy tale but in the real world its not like that. The other question you should ask yourself is are those little imperfections something I can live with or live without? No matter who you meet, they will have imperfections. That is what makes them who they are. And you have to decide if you can live and work around those imperfections or if they are a deal breaker. But honestly you will probably find no better man than an aspie ... aspies find it next to impossible to lie, are usually completely unaware of advances on them (which means if any one should crack onto him then he's probably not going to notice or care) and fall in love heart and soul. What could you ask for that is better than that?

 

[Esse808]

Hi Dragon's Tooth

I was reading your response to Celina's post. I understand where you are coming from and I agree with you. I haven't told my bf that I think he has Aspergers and I definitely won't push him to see someone about it, but sometimes I think it might help him to know. There are certain things about himself that really bother him and get him depressed. He doesn't realize that they are Aspie traits and I think it might help him to know that they are. Then again I'm really not sure how he will react upon finding out and it may not do me or him any good as there is a strong possibility that he will just be in denial about it.

I have met one other Aspie in my lifetime, about 3 years ago. My roommates invited a friend over and before he showed up, they said something that came across to me as a warning, "John is coming over, and just so you know, he has Aspergers, so don't freak out if he acts strange." I had never even heard of Aspergers before so my initial reaction was "WTF is that exactly??" They explained to me that it was something like Autism. The only Autistic people I had ever been exposed to were non-verbal and had severe behavioral problems, so I didn't know what to expect. When I met him, I was surprised by how "normal" he seemed and how comfortable I felt talking to him. The only strange thing that he did was try to follow one of my female roommates into my room when I called her over to show her something. I politely told him we'd be right out and I closed the door behind her. No big deal. I never did see him again after that day but after meeting him, Aspergers didn't seem so scary anymore. Now that I know that my bf is Aspie as well, I'm definitely not scared of it anymore.

I agree that a diagnosis shouldn't be pushed on someone if they are not open to receiving it. As long as he's not hurting himself or anyone else, it shouldn't matter whether he has the label or not. What is important is that YOU know and that you are better able to understand his behavior because of it.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

esse808 ... I think your story sums up why you have to be careful pushing a diagnosis on someone. Your friends warned you he might be strange. Before you even met this guy you had this negative idea in your head because of misconceptions of other people. Thats why the choice to take on this label needs to be a personal one ... because at the end of the day you are the one that has to deal with what comes with it good or bad. People will hear the label and prejudge you on that. I'm normally fairly open about my mental health issues because I feel I help others by letting them know they are not alone and that there is someone they can talk to about it but my diagnosis I have kept fairly close to my heart. I told my family and a friend who also has mental health issues. And this forum lol. But here I am the same as everyone else so to speak. But out in the real world, people don't always look past a label.

 

[Celina]

Hi All!

First off, thank you for your support and for sharing your stories. I had the chance to meet twice with an ASD specialist who is also a sexologist, and learned a lot more about what to expect in intimate relationships with an Aspie. I am now much more aware, and can identify my boyfriend's little aspie moments better.

It helped in the sense that previously awkward actions (e.g.: cutting the conversation short) had me intrepret that my bf was mad at me, really wasn't the case and that he had something he wanted to get done or change the topic. I used to take this action personally, and now not so.

I have decided not to push for a formal diagnosis, but rather to seek couples counselling with a therapist who specializes also in ASD. That way we can work on communicating better with each other and work on our relationship.

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you who contributed! - Celina

 

[OutsideIn]

I have decided not to push for a formal diagnosis, but rather to seek couples counselling with a therapist who specializes also in ASD. That way we can work on communicating better with each other and work on our relationship.

I'm so glad you came back and updated this. I think that taking practical steps to improve your relationship is a great approach, because with or without a diagnosis, you and your bf will still be facing the same day-to-day issues. Best of luck with it!

 

[911Dispatcher]

Thank you so much for this post, the last part should apply to everyone in any relationship that is headed towards marriage.

 

[NTWife]

I realize I'm coming late to the party but...

I would say if someone is an NT, they should NEVER marry an Aspie, especially if kids are part of future plans. I belong to several spouse of Aspie groups and there are a number of prevailing traits that don't mesh well with marriage.

1. Aspies are great during the courtship phase (And, yes, they can keep it up for five years) but before the ink is even dry on the marriage license, they do a 180. The reason for this is Aspies tend to focus on "projects", which you are right now. Once you're married, the project is completed and you fall to the wayside in favor of the next "project".

2. Aspies are very "Me" oriented. Your needs will cease to exist the moment you are married. If a loved one dies, don't expect any emotional support at all. Also, expect to be blamed for this as well as many other things in life, even if you weren't there and knew nothing about it.

3. If you have kids with this Aspie, you will be a single parent, even if your Aspie is sitting in the room. Aspies don't parent well because they can't see anyone's needs but their own.

4. To continue the kids thread a bit - Aspies become jealous and competitive towards their children because they see them as competition for your time and love.

5. Being married to an Aspie means losing all your friends over time, even the ones you've had your entire life. Their being extremely ill at ease in any social situation makes for some interesting times, which your friends will want no part of after it happens three or four times. Sadly, by the time you realize it's happening, it's too late.

6. Aspies aren't the most self-aware people and will blame you for all that's wrong in their world, thus the divorce rate between an Aspie and an NT is around 80% (page 42 of 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships', by Ashley Stanford. ) The suicide rate of the NT in an Aspie/NT marriage is around 50% (and I had found that last percentage based on a study I thought I'd bookmarked, but now can't find. If I find it, I'll edit this to reflect that) I am my aspie husband's second wife. He cheated on both of us throughout both marriages and blames the both of us for his cheating. He also lies a great deal but refuses to see them as lies because "technically" he gave the truthful answer. Be prepared for a long road of gas lighting. Sadly, I didn't figure all of this out until I became disabled and no longer able to support myself. Had I known then what I know now, I'd have run from him so fast it would have looked like the Road Runner running away from Wile E. Coyote.

7. Most aspies have secondary and even tertiary emotional issues such as narcissism, OCD and panic disorders. Be prepared for a lifetime of not mattering in favor of your aspie's issue du jour. When our youngest was born, my husband gave me zero help and at the six week mark, I was at my doctor to get clearance to return to work. I was so sleep deprived the doctor was threatening to put me in the hospital. I was suffering from sleep deprivation psychosis and it was severe. When the doctor told my husband of his alternatives, either he let me get some sleep or he was putting me in the hospital, my husband responded with, "I've been thinking of killing myself", totally flatline but extremely damaging to my health care because, now, everyone was focused on him and I never did get help for my lack of sleep. Thankfully my mother came to visit and I was able to get more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep.

8. Aspies are all about what's "fair", but they don't mean "fair" for everyone, they mean "fair" for them. Aspies have two very distinct set of rules for you, the world and them and none of them are consistent. For the world, it's "Anything goes" because they simply want to be accepted, even if it means shedding their skin in favor of one more acceptable, based on who they're wanting to impress. For themselves, there are no rules at all. They can do/say whatever they want and you're expected to just be okay with that, even if they hit you, lie to you and cheat on you. All of that is met with a shrug and a "I can't help it, I'm an Aspie". For you, the rules are rigid and based on what they believe their ideal spouse is. You're never allowed to know what the rules are and they change often. The Aspie doesn't convey to you any of their wishes, desires or needs, you're just supposed to magically figure it out and if you don't, there's hell to pay. You will be yelled at, often, for breaking a "rule" but you're not allowed to know them in advance.

9. Should you be foolish enough to think "Love will fix all this", there's no fixing this and your Aspie will be totally confused as to just what it is s/he is doing wrong because in spite of all the neglect and apathy, they really are a GREAT person and spouse (their thinking, not mine). You will finally make the decision to divorce and they will go totally out of their mind with spite in order to punish you for DARING to want to leave them. If you have kids, it will become completely contentious and it won't be because your spouse wants the kids, it will be due to their not wanting to pay child support. It will also be due to their wanting to punish you for wanting to get away from the circus that is your life. They will manipulate the situation to gain at least 50/50 custody so they don't have to pay child support and the second the ink's dry, you'll never see them again. For Aspies a divorce is about "winning" at all costs, no matter what.

As someone who's been through the hell that is marrying an Aspie, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

8. Aspies are all about what's "fair", but they don't mean "fair" for everyone, they mean "fair" for them. Aspies have two very distinct set of rules for you, the world and them and none of them are consistent. For the world, it's "Anything goes" because they simply want to be accepted, even if it means shedding their skin in favor of one more acceptable, based on who they're wanting to impress. For themselves, there are no rules at all. They can do/say whatever they want and you're expected to just be okay with that, even if they hit you, lie to you and cheat on you. All of that is met with a shrug and a "I can't help it, I'm an Aspie". For you, the rules are rigid and based on what they believe their ideal spouse is. You're never allowed to know what the rules are and they change often. The Aspie doesn't convey to you any of their wishes, desires or needs, you're just supposed to magically figure it out and if you don't, there's hell to pay. You will be yelled at, often, for breaking a "rule" but you're not allowed to know them in advance.

Not that I am attempting to dismiss anything that you have said, but I find it rather interesting how that is the exact same experience that I have on a daily basis with "regular" people.

 

[NTWife]

Neat Hedgehog - you're absolutely correct - most people are about "fair", but it seems Aspies take it to the nth degree. Fair for them is more about getting as much as they can get from everyone else with no thought as to how it affects everyone else.

My husband is a good example of this when it comes to divvying up a divided food item. If I cut it in half, I try to stay as close to half as possible, w/o whipping out the ruler to measure everything. Once I make the cut, I ask my husband to choose which one he wants and he will always choose the larger "half". If he makes the cut, one "half" is obviously larger than the other and he will choose first, alway choosing the larger half.

This is an oversimplification of an extremely minor thing but that's how he operates his entire life. I took our son shopping once for school clothes. At the time, our son was around six or seven years old. I had bought him his first pair of Levi's Button Fly jeans and thought he looked SO cute in them! My husband threw a raging fit because I didn't get him some new clothes, too, and most especially some new button fly jeans (which he'd told me several times he hated). It was, quite literally, a childish tantrum that I was being forced to deal with from someone who is, chronologically, an adult.

IMO, "fair" to an aspie is, "If you buy something for the kids, you have to buy something for me, too". It makes life very difficult to have to stay one step ahead of "What completely innocuous thing will I do today that will piss off my husband?"

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

Neat Hedgehog - you're absolutely correct - most people are about "fair", but it seems some Aspies take it to the nth degree. Fair for them is more about getting as much as they can get from everyone else with no thought as to how it affects everyone else.

I would phrase it more that way, really. I mean, you don't have to be an aspie to be a selfish... um... pronoun. I've known of people like that (husbands of my mother's friends, usually), and they were very NT. I don't think it's fair to make a broad statement about aspies because of personal experience; it is perfectly valid to offer it as a possibility based on experience, though.

My ex-girlfriend was an example. She would throw the most ridiculous tantrums about the most mundane nonsense, like if I forgot to message her when I woke up, or didn't ask "how she was doing" every single morning by a certain time (which changed, daily). My favorite was when she got super angry at me because I wouldn't make time to talk to her. ...because the alternator fell off my car while I driving down the highway and I was trying to fix it by holding it in place with bungees and a windshield scraper when I was 100mi from home. She wasn't an aspie, just selfish and controlling beyond belief. But it wouldn't be right for me to say all NT women are like that, would it?

As far as "fair" well... I don't know how many times I'm presented with a situation where I'm just expected to "know" what the score is and then I get the business when I don't know, or actually have to ask. From my personal experience, I don't think most people are fair at all. Some are just worse about dealing with it when it turns out you're not a mind reader.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I realize I'm coming late to the party but...

I would say if someone is an NT, they should NEVER marry an Aspie, especially if kids are part of future plans. I belong to several spouse of Aspie groups and there are a number of prevailing traits that don't mesh well with marriage.

1. Aspies are great during the courtship phase (And, yes, they can keep it up for five years) but before the ink is even dry on the marriage license, they do a 180. The reason for this is Aspies tend to focus on "projects", which you are right now. Once you're married, the project is completed and you fall to the wayside in favor of the next "project".

2. Aspies are very "Me" oriented. Your needs will cease to exist the moment you are married. If a loved one dies, don't expect any emotional support at all. Also, expect to be blamed for this as well as many other things in life, even if you weren't there and knew nothing about it.

3. If you have kids with this Aspie, you will be a single parent, even if your Aspie is sitting in the room. Aspies don't parent well because they can't see anyone's needs but their own.

4. To continue the kids thread a bit - Aspies become jealous and competitive towards their children because they see them as competition for your time and love.

5. Being married to an Aspie means losing all your friends over time, even the ones you've had your entire life. Their being extremely ill at ease in any social situation makes for some interesting times, which your friends will want no part of after it happens three or four times. Sadly, by the time you realize it's happening, it's too late.

6. Aspies aren't the most self-aware people and will blame you for all that's wrong in their world, thus the divorce rate between an Aspie and an NT is around 80% (page 42 of 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships', by Ashley Stanford. ) The suicide rate of the NT in an Aspie/NT marriage is around 50% (and I had found that last percentage based on a study I thought I'd bookmarked, but now can't find. If I find it, I'll edit this to reflect that) I am my aspie husband's second wife. He cheated on both of us throughout both marriages and blames the both of us for his cheating. He also lies a great deal but refuses to see them as lies because "technically" he gave the truthful answer. Be prepared for a long road of gas lighting. Sadly, I didn't figure all of this out until I became disabled and no longer able to support myself. Had I known then what I know now, I'd have run from him so fast it would have looked like the Road Runner running away from Wile E. Coyote.

7. Most aspies have secondary and even tertiary emotional issues such as narcissism, OCD and panic disorders. Be prepared for a lifetime of not mattering in favor of your aspie's issue du jour. When our youngest was born, my husband gave me zero help and at the six week mark, I was at my doctor to get clearance to return to work. I was so sleep deprived the doctor was threatening to put me in the hospital. I was suffering from sleep deprivation psychosis and it was severe. When the doctor told my husband of his alternatives, either he let me get some sleep or he was putting me in the hospital, my husband responded with, "I've been thinking of killing myself", totally flatline but extremely damaging to my health care because, now, everyone was focused on him and I never did get help for my lack of sleep. Thankfully my mother came to visit and I was able to get more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep.

8. Aspies are all about what's "fair", but they don't mean "fair" for everyone, they mean "fair" for them. Aspies have two very distinct set of rules for you, the world and them and none of them are consistent. For the world, it's "Anything goes" because they simply want to be accepted, even if it means shedding their skin in favor of one more acceptable, based on who they're wanting to impress. For themselves, there are no rules at all. They can do/say whatever they want and you're expected to just be okay with that, even if they hit you, lie to you and cheat on you. All of that is met with a shrug and a "I can't help it, I'm an Aspie". For you, the rules are rigid and based on what they believe their ideal spouse is. You're never allowed to know what the rules are and they change often. The Aspie doesn't convey to you any of their wishes, desires or needs, you're just supposed to magically figure it out and if you don't, there's hell to pay. You will be yelled at, often, for breaking a "rule" but you're not allowed to know them in advance.

9. Should you be foolish enough to think "Love will fix all this", there's no fixing this and your Aspie will be totally confused as to just what it is s/he is doing wrong because in spite of all the neglect and apathy, they really are a GREAT person and spouse (their thinking, not mine). You will finally make the decision to divorce and they will go totally out of their mind with spite in order to punish you for DARING to want to leave them. If you have kids, it will become completely contentious and it won't be because your spouse wants the kids, it will be due to their not wanting to pay child support. It will also be due to their wanting to punish you for wanting to get away from the circus that is your life. They will manipulate the situation to gain at least 50/50 custody so they don't have to pay child support and the second the ink's dry, you'll never see them again. For Aspies a divorce is about "winning" at all costs, no matter what.

As someone who's been through the hell that is marrying an Aspie, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.

I'm sorry your marriage is so difficult, but I think it is completely inappropriate to be coming onto an Aspie forum and saying these kinds of things about us. We are members of this forum because we are tired of being rejected, criticized, forced into isolation. This is the one place where we can be accepted.
Forum Rule 7. We have a zero-tolerance policy for all forms of Aspergers, Autism and even NT Supremacy.
I think it would be appropriate for a moderator to step into this conversation and decide whether this is turning into NT supremacy.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Neat Hedgehog - you're absolutely correct - most people are about "fair", but it seems Aspies take it to the nth degree. Fair for them is more about getting as much as they can get from everyone else with no thought as to how it affects everyone else.

I don't agree with this at all. I think it is a massive generalisation and quite frankly I've met many NTs who think nothing of trampling all over everybody else to get what they want. I don't like taking advantage of people at all. I prefer to do things for myself and rarely accept help, even when it is offered, because I don't want to give the impression that I'm using the other person.

The characteristics you posted before this are also a generalisation. I know of Aspies who are very happy in long term relationships. I know NTs who are absolute @ssholes as partners and I would recommend that others stay away from them. I'm sorry that you've had a very unhappy marriage, but it doesn't help anyone to paint all of us with the same brush.

 

[NTWife]

I'm sorry your marriage is so difficult, but I think it is completely inappropriate to be coming onto an Aspie forum and saying these kinds of things about us. We are members of this forum because we are tired of being rejected, criticized, forced into isolation. This is the one place where we can be accepted.
Forum Rule 7. We have a zero-tolerance policy for all forms of Aspergers, Autism and even NT Supremacy.
I think it would be appropriate for a moderator to step into this conversation and decide whether this is turning into NT supremacy.

However, Stellares - this particular forum is for FAMILY members of Aspies, not for the Aspies themselves. An NT asked for the opinion of an NT and I gave it, based on what I've seen myself and what I've had shared with me by other NT spouses.

Don't like what you see here? Don't come into the family members forum and expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows. The family members are allowed to have their opinions, too.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

The family members are allowed to have their opinions, too.

We're allowed to challenge an opinion that is not based in fact. Do you know for a fact that every single Aspie is going to be like your husband? How would you like it if an Aspie said "Don't marry a NT woman because they're all whiny bitches who are intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards."?

The man in question may turn out to be a very good husband. There's a world of difference between saying "these are some points that you may like to consider" and "don't do this" because, after all is said, the only person who can and does have the right to make the decision to marry is the original poster. Do you know both her and her fiancee well enough to know how good a husband he will be and how realistic or unrealistic her expectations are? If it turns out that she is being very unrealistic and he is in fact good relationship material, do you care that you just advised her not to marry him? Yet Aspies are the ones who are supposed to be selfish, according to you.

 

[King_Oni]

Keep it civil and on topic please.

The rules are not the topic here.

That being said, as a moderator I'll step in and say; While people are entitled to their opinion and we do welcome it and obviously would like to hear about experiences. However it should not turn into AS nor NT supremacy.

As such, stating that marrying any aspie is a bad idea because someone has a bad run in with 1 or 2 people in the past does not warrant that all aspies are bad when it comes to having a family. There's rotten apples in the aspie community, but there's those amongst NT's as well.

 

[NTWife]

We're allowed to challenge an opinion that is not based in fact. Do you know for a fact that every single Aspie is going to be like your husband? How would you like it if an Aspie said "Don't marry a NT woman because they're all whiny bitches who are intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards."?

The man in question may turn out to be a very good husband. There's a world of difference between saying "these are some points that you may like to consider" and "don't do this" because, after all is said, the only person who can and does have the right to make the decision to marry is the original poster. Do you know both her and her fiancee well enough to know how good a husband he will be and how realistic or unrealistic her expectations are? If it turns out that she is being very unrealistic and he is in fact good relationship material, do you care that you just advised her not to marry him? Yet Aspies are the ones who are supposed to be selfish, according to you.

However, Cyanide, being one of those "...whiny bitches who are intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards" this is why I've tried to get him into marriage counseling for so many years. It's hard to NOT be one of those "...whiny bitches who are intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards" when you have to ask someone so many times to do something that should already be ingrained after so many years of asking the same thing, such as, "Honey, would you please empty the dishwasher?"

I was caught up in a catch-22 whereby, if I asked once, nothing got done, if I asked twice, I was called a nagging *****. Every single counselor I mentioned this to told me this is one of the most common complaints he got from wives, so it's not just me. If expecting my husband to be a helpful and productive member of the family means I'm "intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards", then guilty as charged.

I didn't know expecting someone to change a diaper made me a nagging *****, but apparently it does.