About to walk out the door

[Neia]

I'm about to walk outside and to the bus stop.
Have to go to work.

I'm already shaking and hyperventilating.

Days like this one make yearn to "be normal".

 

[Tired]

What is your job, if it isn't a secret? Is the job stressing you, or the bus, or everything at once? Do you have some coping mechanisms you can use, like stimming, listening to music etc?

 

[Neia]

What is your job, if it isn't a secret? Is the job stressing you, or the bus, or everything at once? Do you have some coping mechanisms you can use, like stimming, listening to music etc?

It's nit a secret. At this moment I'm a cleaner.
I can't deal with people, so this allows me to be alone most if the time.
I couldn't bear work with other people anymore.
I just want to be alone.
I'd rather clean other people's toilets than have to chat and be polite all the time. I can't deal with that anymore.
Having to take the bus is stressful in a way I can't describe. Today I caught myself biting my tongue because I just wanted to cry. I felt physically ill.

Stims don't seem to work for this. I arrived at work and my body is shaking.

Now the issue is a different one. The knowledge that, no matter how much I try, I can't do my tasks perfectly perfect. I can't achieve perfection in this, and that makes me feel sick and want to break down crying.
Sometimes I run to the nearest bathroom and lay down on the floor in the fetal position.

I used to be able to do anything at a high level. I wasn't perfect, but I was always good at whatever I did.

I'm not bragging. I was just always very demanding of myself, of hiw did things. I never wanted to give my bosses any opportunity to talk badly about me.

I'm still in contact with some of my former bosses. One of the, she owned the Youth Hostel I worked at fir years, keeps asking me when I'm going to go fir a visit. She even wants to pay for all my expenses.

But I can't go anywhere now. Just thinking of it sends me into a panic attack.

All I want is to be able to work properly

 

[Tired]

It's nit a secret. At this moment I'm a cleaner.
I can't deal with people, so this allows me to be alone most if the time.
I couldn't bear work with other people anymore.
I just want to be alone.
I'd rather clean other people's toilets than have to chat and be polite all the time. I can't deal with that anymore.
Having to take the bus is stressful in a way I can't describe. Today I caught myself biting my tongue because I just wanted to cry. I felt physically ill.

Stims don't seem to work for this. I arrived at work and my body is shaking.

Now the issue is a different one. The knowledge that, no matter how much I try, I can't do my tasks perfectly perfect. I can't achieve perfection in this, and that makes me feel sick and want to break down crying.
Sometimes I run to the nearest bathroom and lay down on the floor in the fetal position.

I used to be able to do anything at a high level. I wasn't perfect, but I was always good at whatever I did.

I'm not bragging. I was just always very demanding of myself, of hiw did things. I never wanted to give my bosses any opportunity to talk badly about me.

I'm still in contact with some of my former bosses. One of the, she owned the Youth Hostel I worked at fir years, keeps asking me when I'm going to go fir a visit. She even wants to pay for all my expenses.

But I can't go anywhere now. Just thinking of it sends me into a panic attack.

All I want is to be able to work properly

It's an important job and I thank you for doing it. World can function without game designers, but not without cleaners
Do you have a therapist? I understand that with time it became harder for you to do things you could do previously. There could be many factors for that, including your age, stressors from outside world, maybe some bad experiences? Can you also get help from some support organizations? There are some around the world which help ND people with money.
And it's never good to be demanding of yourself. It's good to strive for better, but not in the expense of your mental health. Be gentle, be your own best friend.

 

[Neia]

It's an important job and I thank you for doing it. World can function without game designers, but not without cleaners
Do you have a therapist? I understand that with time it became harder for you to do things you could do previously. There could be many factors for that, including your age, stressors from outside world, maybe some bad experiences? Can you also get help from some support organizations? There are some around the world which help ND people with money.
And it's never good to be demanding of yourself. It's good to strive for better, but not in the expense of your mental health. Be gentle, be your own best friend.

I haven't been diagnosed yet. Not with anything specific besides depression and anxiety, and ptsd when I was a kid.

I never had any support of any kind, unless you count trying to stuff me with pills that don't work.

I was given something when i was 5, Noctamid when I was 13. It lowered my blood pressure too much so couldn't take it.
Then Sertraline, alprazolam , then venlafaxine... I don't even remember the meds they want me to take now, but I'm waiting to speak with my GP because at least a couple of the new meds (they want me to take 4 this time) they interfere with the muscle relaxant I have to take sometimes.

Nothing has ever worked.

I have a therapist. Private one because, per law, I only have the right to 10 to 14 sessions with the NHS.
Now, after years of seeking help, I finally got sent to a psychiatric clinic because I've been neglecting my asthma treatment
I've been neglecting the rest of my health as well, but spending days not eating or ingesting fluids doesn't seem to be that bad to them...

Honestly. If I could spend my days curled up in a ball, sleeping. I wouldn't mind much.

But I need to be able to work.

 

[Neia]

I once spent 2 whole hours scrubbing the back side of a freezer drawer, because it had a tiny gray scratch that wouldn't come off.
I cried and scrubbed and obsessed with the fact that the stupid scratch wouldn't disappear no matter how hard I tried to clean it.

I had a meltdown because of it. Then gave up an put the drawer back into it's slot.

It wasn't even visible if the drawer was in place. But it killed me to know that I hadn't been able to clean it off.

I never used to be like that. I knew my human limits.

Now I always think that I won't be able to be good enough...

 

[Neia]

A funny thing...

My whole body hurts. My shoulder and back muscles are hurting so bad today.
I feel a lot of pain when I'm in this state.

When I can relax, the pain goes away.

 

[Outdated]

You need a game or a really good book that lets you escape from reality for a little while, give your poor mind a rest.

 

[Neia]

You need a game or a really good book that lets you escape from reality for a little while, give your poor mind a rest.

I'm mostly OK when I'm home, and alone.
When I don't have to worry about not being offensive, not being lazy, not being kind enough.

 

[jsilver256]

I am sorry. Yesterday, I had two meltdowns during a working day. One was emotion triggered. The other later on was sensory related - your mind is in a more fragile state after a meltdown, live and learn.

We prayed this morning about my ability to get through the day. Tomorrow, we are going to ask our therapist about taking a leave.

 

[Outdated]

Reading through all of your posts in here so far you seem to be following a pattern that's familiar to a lot of us. That doesn't mean that we have any answers, but we know what you're going through.

When we're younger we're a lot more resilient and although we have a few problems we're able to cope fairly well and even be very successful in life. But that starts to fade as we get older. We become less tolerant and more strongly affected by our surroundings.

One thing most of us seem to agree on in different ways is that if you keep pushing on, keep trying to "be normal" everything just keeps getting worse. You need to find a way to avoid stress in your life and some of your comments show that you understand this, your change of jobs to limit social contact during work hours, etc.

Even in pleasant interactions with good long term friends I start to get worn out after a while and need time to myself. They just get too much for me.

Finding a way to mentally escape for a while helps but it's no long term answer. It just gives a bit of short term relief. You mentioned hopefully moving to a small village in a rural area, I think that would be good for you if you can work out how to achieve it.

 

[Neia]

Reading through all of your posts in here so far you seem to be following a pattern that's familiar to a lot of us. That doesn't mean that we have any answers, but we know what you're going through.

When we're younger we're a lot more resilient and although we have a few problems we're able to cope fairly well and even be very successful in life. But that starts to fade as we get older. We become less tolerant and more strongly affected by our surroundings.

One thing most of us seem to agree on in different ways is that if you keep pushing on, keep trying to "be normal" everything just keeps getting worse. You need to find a way to avoid stress in your life and some of your comments show that you understand this, your change of jobs to limit social contact during work hours, etc.

Even in pleasant interactions with good long term friends I start to get worn out after a while and need time to myself. They just get too much for me.

Finding a way to mentally escape for a while helps but it's no long term answer. It just gives a bit of short term relief. You mentioned hopefully moving to a small village in a rural area, I think that would be good for you if you can work out how to achieve it.

At this point in my life I'm stuck.

I want to go up North. But I'm too young to retire, so I have to keep going for at least another 7 years. Minimum.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Neia, try to find where the imbalance is. The OCD that supports your work standards needs to be softened when you need time to chill. Seeing perfection in your work is a reward. You take pride in that. I've had different meds over the years and I am not a fan of any of them. Perhaps you can have a discussion with your doctors about the effects you are experiencing. I have found that recognizing the moment what I am getting angry or frustrated, I would change my location and my thoughts. I still don't like the fact that I am ready for a meltdown. I intentionally jump the track to stop the freight train. I hope you do well with the strategy you discover.

 

[Neia]

I am sorry. Yesterday, I had two meltdowns during a working day. One was emotion triggered. The other later on was sensory related - your mind is in a more fragile state after a meltdown, live and learn.

We prayed this morning about my ability to get through the day. Tomorrow, we are going to ask our therapist about taking a leave.

I hope you get the leave you need to rest.

I prayed last night, so that I'd actually be able to come. I'm grateful that I'm here.
I also prayed that I could do my job, and do it well.
I'm doing little things.

Spent nearly 2 hours looking for the AC remotes because the technician is here to fix the system.
Someone had put them in a place I would never have looked if not for despair. My boss's desk
I never touch the drawers or anything inside boxes, bags, etc.

Not going to stay here 6 hours today. I think I'll have to stay at least 8 or more. Have to wait for the guy to leave to clean the place after he leaves.

 

[Outdated]

I want to go up North. But I'm too young to retire, so I have to keep going for at least another 7 years. Minimum.

I did do a quick browse through your government websites looking to see if there's any common loopholes for you, unfortunately not a lot of it's written in English. On the surface it looks to be very similar to the French system, where you pay in to a fund all your life and you can only receive benefits according to how much you've already paid.

That works fairly well for the average person with few problems but makes it a lot more difficult for anyone that struggles. What happens to school leavers with mental problems? Are they pushed to one side and left to fend for themselves?

There's a chance that an official diagnosis would be helpful to you if you get interviewed by a proper social worker. A formal diagnosis along with your work history showing how you've retreated more and more as your situation deteriorated might be enough to get you early retirement. Not sure if it's the same in your country or not, but here the rules are relaxed a little more once we reach the age of 55, they know that if we end up out of work at that age it's almost impossible for us to get a job again.

 

[Judge]

Neia, try to find where the imbalance is. The OCD that supports your work standards needs to be softened when you need time to chill.

Good point, though as one with OCD myself it's sadly easier said than done. That like clinical depression, I don't control it, but rather it controls me. On a level that well surpasses my autism.

When my front door closes and I retire into my home, my autism fades. My OCD does not.

 

[Neia]

I did do a quick browse through your government websites looking to see if there's any common loopholes for you, unfortunately not a lot of it's written in English. On the surface it looks to be very similar to the French system, where you pay in to a fund all your life and you can only receive benefits according to how much you've already paid.

That works fairly well for the average person with few problems but makes it a lot more difficult for anyone that struggles. What happens to school leavers with mental problems? Are they pushed to one side and left to fend for themselves?

There's a chance that an official diagnosis would be helpful to you if you get interviewed by a proper social worker. A formal diagnosis along with your work history showing how you've retreated more and more as your situation deteriorated might be enough to get you early retirement. Not sure if it's the same in your country or not, but here the rules are relaxed a little more once we reach the age of 55, they know that if we end up out of work at that age it's almost impossible for us to get a job again.

They're pushing some people to work till their 70s...

I'm half leaning towards just quiting this job and, literally, running away up north.

But the government Employment agency might try to push me onto working at a hotel or something like that. They have already tried that in the past.

 

[jsilver256]

Don't forget disability. Your employer might be offering disability insurance or paid FMLA. That might give you the time and space you need to move out to the country.

In the USA, disability is both easy and hard to get. Easy - in the sense that most people who pursue it, statistically get it after enough appeals. Hard - in the sense that this is a multi-year process wherein you cannot work.

 

[Outdated]

But the government Employment agency might try to push me onto working at a hotel or something like that. They have already tried that in the past.

They did that to me too before I got on the pension. At one stage they made me sit in the office and apply for 5 jobs a day and then reviewed my letters afterwards. I'm pretty good with the written word though, and I have experience as an employer, so I was able to write letters that looked good to the social workers whilst knowing that no employer in their right mind would even look at me.

(our welfare isn't self funded here, it just comes out of tax revenue)

One of the ladies was so impressed with my letters that she asked if she could use them as examples to show other people how to write letters. When I agreed she pulled out another book full of job placements that they don't normally show to unemployed people and told me I could have any of those jobs I wanted. So I spent a year working in the warehouse section of a white goods retailer. It was walking distance from home which is always a bonus.

 

[Neia]

Don't forget disability. Your employer might be offering disability insurance or paid FMLA. That might give you the time and space you need to move out to the country.

In the USA, disability is both easy and hard to get. Easy - in the sense that most people who pursue it, statistically get it after enough appeals. Hard - in the sense that this is a multi-year process wherein you cannot work.

Here, my mom had severe arthritis, she could barely walk, it too them almost 4 years to grant her disability.