Advice? Dealing with a weird co-worker

[Joel's Hear]

thats another point with me i try not own animals it so easy to abuse if you do
three cats that lived 7 or 8 doors up from me in a almost terraced street decided to live in the house with me think the people in the other house adopted two kittens cats do not like change
so as i put out food for a stray cat and i DIDNT frighten them they decided one day to live in the house
then there is what i call casanova or wooden as he walks like he has a wooden rod up his spine
he just thinks about female cats and i see him when HES hungry or when HES physically exhausted like a young selfish man
the cat in the avatar is phoebe she is the smallest cat IVE seen ever.
then theres gizmo HES her son longer but not much bigger HES mean if you touch the area where his spine meets his tail
then what i call the American sized cat socks black apart from his chest abdomen and a paint stripe from the left side of jaw to his ear he is a nervous wreck people terrify him

The brown cat my mom had was a nervous wreck, too, but he was undoubtedly the LARGEST cat I've ever seen. Not only fat but long too. When he meowed, though, even though he was an adult, he sounded like a very small kitten. He smelled funny sometimes.

 

[Grandmother B]

So I kind of feel like I'm being picked on/bullied at work by one particular person. I have worked for the last year in a law firm as a clerk and am pretty good at my job and get along with all my co-workers. This older guy (40ish) paralegal has been there almost as long and mostly I haven't had a problem with him he's very odd, clearly isn't playing with a full deck. He tends to say very inappropriate stuff but nobody at work seems bothered by it maybe they just put it down to him being "eccentric". He's very unusual. He has spent days in his office and not talked to anyone yet other days seems manically happy and not in control of himself. He has been seen on numerous occasions in the past zonked out in his office, and seems to be on some pretty heavy meds. He's just very odd. He walks around constantly taking this partial dental plate in and out of his mouth to talk, with his bare hands (which he doesn't wash). Nobody seems phased by him. I wasn't either, until the last week or so, I don't know why all of a sudden he's started to be really nasty towards me, he gives me these dirty looks when I am in the same room as him, and he is starting to make nasty snide comments directed at me sometimes in front of co-workers..Like he'll say, "there's (my name), he's like Helen Keller and we all have to be Annie Sullivan for him". Or, he'll say, "who raised you, where are your manners" when everyone there knows perfectly well I am very good-mannered and always open doors for people and try to help anyone I can..I have dealt with a lot of crap in my life, from bullies in high school to having to deal with family members when I came out to them, and I love working where I work, but this one guy is making things really weird for me now.

Today, myself and a co-worker were entering a room and he happened to be there holding a door, and he said "not for you" directed at me. He has this thing too where if he's bantering with people he'll say "I will cut you"....I heard him say that awhile back to co workers he was bantering with, and he said it to me a few months back more than once..Jokingly probably, but still...From a 40 year old man it came off weird and creepy and very uncomfortable.I mean he's probably just on some sort of a sick bantering phase lately, given his odd personality, but I'm beginning to feel slightly bullied and it's making me have flashbacks to high school when I was severely bullied. I think he is either bipolar or has some major personality issue.

Issue is, I'm only part time here, and so I don't want to rock any boat, it's hard for me to get a job and I want to keep this one. And I have gotten along so well with all my co-workers. Everyone knows this guy is weird and creepy, but most seem to just ignore him or not be bothered. I try and avoid him but you know how it is in a small office. And lately he seems to just randomly say dumb **** to me even if I am totally minding my own business. What should I do? I could tell my boss I guess, and tell her I don't want to rock the boat, but just to let her know that he makes me uncomfortable? But given that the guy seems to be not all there mentally, what if he made up something about me? So for now, do I just deal with his nasty mouth? My co-worker said he was probably just feeling bad about himself and insecure so he looks to put down someone he thinks is good looking. Just not sure what to do. There's nothing physical at all, or anything like that. Maybe it's all banter, but words still hurt. I told him once, and asked why he was being mean, he simply said "why not"? Sorry but being mentally ill does not give one the right to be a jerk. Advice?

You need to report his behavior to your boss immediately. I'm sure she knows he is crazy already. You do not have to put up with this. He sounds dangerous to me. I can't believe he still works there. maybe she is afraid of him. Maybe you could go higher up the ladder if she won't do anything. Good luck!

 

[Robby]

I am definitely going to tell her Monday. I think she is to a certain extent intimidated by some of the stronger personalities in the office. I'm sure she knows he's nuts. Anyone can see that a mile away. Having worked around him for a year, I don't think he's dangerous persay, but he's a loose cannon. He seems to get along ok with his co-workers/equals in records, but I'm sure they know he's nuts too. I'll tell my boss privately and see what she does. I'm not looking for a big incident, I'm just a part time worker, I'm only seeking for my boss to tell him to stop berating me and I'll be fine with that. Maybe she can just be vague about it with him and not name names and just tell him that "some employees" have complained about his verbal language and that could be enough to make him stop. Who knows. I know this though, this firm's turnover rate is extremely high.

If worse came to worse, if I wanted to push that far, I suppose I could talk to one of the attorneys that work in the firm. My boss is the HR/office manager, but one or two of the attorneys/partners in the firm may be superior to her. However, I'm very uncertain how that might pan out. I'd like to keep it as discrete/low-key as I can if possible.I really think he's just mentally ill, and doesn't know/realize how inappropriate his comments are, but I draw the line at hurtful comments that take me back to when I was bullied in high school and afraid to be around certain people. Not going to tolerate it.

I'm really having trouble with my anger lately this has been a rough week with things all-around and really feel like I'm on the verge of a full scale meltdown.

 

[Joel's Hear]

I am definitely going to tell her Monday. I think she is to a certain extent intimidated by some of the stronger personalities in the office. I'm sure she knows he's nuts. Anyone can see that a mile away. Having worked around him for a year, I don't think he's dangerous persay, but he's a loose cannon. He seems to get along ok with his co-workers/equals in records, but I'm sure they know he's nuts too. I'll tell my boss privately and see what she does. I'm not looking for a big incident, I'm just a part time worker, I'm only seeking for my boss to tell him to stop berating me and I'll be fine with that. Maybe she can just be vague about it with him and not name names and just tell him that "some employees" have complained about his verbal language and that could be enough to make him stop. Who knows. I know this though, this firm's turnover rate is extremely high.

If worse came to worse, if I wanted to push that far, I suppose I could talk to one of the attorneys that work in the firm. My boss is the HR/office manager, but one or two of the attorneys/partners in the firm may be superior to her. However, I'm very uncertain how that might pan out. I'd like to keep it as discrete/low-key as I can if possible.I really think he's just mentally ill, and doesn't know/realize how inappropriate his comments are, but I draw the line at hurtful comments that take me back to when I was bullied in high school and afraid to be around certain people. Not going to tolerate it.

I'm really having trouble with my anger lately this has been a rough week with things all-around and really feel like I'm on the verge of a full scale meltdown.

Good luck, Robby. Anger is a very good feeling, and can actually make people respect you, but don't let it turn to wrath, because they will quickly dismiss you if you do.

 

[Grandmother B]

I am definitely going to tell her Monday. I think she is to a certain extent intimidated by some of the stronger personalities in the office. I'm sure she knows he's nuts. Anyone can see that a mile away. Having worked around him for a year, I don't think he's dangerous persay, but he's a loose cannon. He seems to get along ok with his co-workers/equals in records, but I'm sure they know he's nuts too. I'll tell my boss privately and see what she does. I'm not looking for a big incident, I'm just a part time worker, I'm only seeking for my boss to tell him to stop berating me and I'll be fine with that. Maybe she can just be vague about it with him and not name names and just tell him that "some employees" have complained about his verbal language and that could be enough to make him stop. Who knows. I know this though, this firm's turnover rate is extremely high.

If worse came to worse, if I wanted to push that far, I suppose I could talk to one of the attorneys that work in the firm. My boss is the HR/office manager, but one or two of the attorneys/partners in the firm may be superior to her. However, I'm very uncertain how that might pan out. I'd like to keep it as discrete/low-key as I can if possible.I really think he's just mentally ill, and doesn't know/realize how inappropriate his comments are, but I draw the line at hurtful comments that take me back to when I was bullied in high school and afraid to be around certain people. Not going to tolerate it.

I'm really having trouble with my anger lately this has been a rough week with things all-around and really feel like I'm on the verge of a full scale meltdown.

That's a wise decision. I don't think I'd confront this person directly. There have been too many incidents of workplace violence lately. Let upper management deal with it. And another alternative is be looking for another job. Even though you like this one and are doing well, it may not be worth it. Bless you and good luck! Keep us posted!

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

It is quite clear that you are a victim of harassment at the workplace, by what you mentioned. Whether you are being singled out, I am not sure, or being discriminated in some way, that remains to be seen. But, you are the victim, and he is causing you much distress, and it is affecting your work. There are laws against that.

I am not sure if the following applies to part time employees, or just full time, but If I were in your shoes this is what I would do:

(1) Find out exactly what your firms anti-harrasment policy is.

(2) Follow that policy exactly, and detail all those specific examples you gave, that made you very uncomfortable and feel victimized. Document anything you can think of.

(3) While you are following the policy, if you get more harassment from him, or any other employee or boss, document that.

(4) If after you follow the firm's policy, the management or boss either ignores your pleas to stop this harassment, blames you, or unlawfully terminates you, you have a strong case against them.

(5) For the US, I believe the EEOC then can get involved.

Whether he is crazy or not is not the issue. You have a right as a worker to not be harassed. That firm hired him, and they must take responsibility for who they employ. If they side with him, they risk their reputation, as a law firm that tolerates harassment.

There is risk with this route though, that the law firm and boss may not care about right versus wrong, as seen by tolerating that stuff already, and they may fear getting rid of that other person more, for whatever reason. For instance, they may have arrogance to try to convince you things are not so bad so as to sweep it under the table to protect their precious image that they do not have harassing employees.

The only question I would have is should you talk to the boss privately first, with a written professional document in hand outlining all your concerns with that employee, before you consider proceeding with the mentioned. There are pros and cons with doing that first.

Just a few suggestions for you to consider. I would not tolerate that type of behavior, and especially as you are in a law firm where they are supposed to uphold the law. I would lose respect immediately for any law firm that had such a slob like that who acted that way.

 

[PPK]

The last time anyone said anything remotely that irritating to me was in 2002, he was my foreman on a job I had been at for 8 calendar days. He said something rude to me at a company safety luncheon. I said something considerably more vulgar back at him and he didn't bother responding. The good thing in that case was I didn't have to talk with him the rest of that day or the half day next day before I received my layoff slip - it was a good layoff too.

Of course I am union so getting another job was not a problem for me like it is for most people but I did similar things on a couple of jobs before I was union.

Robby my own experience with jerks like the one vexing you is that they generally don't like return fire and don't bother those who do fire back at them. Unfortunately you don't seem inclined to respond in kind. I hope you get this situation resolved soon.

 

[Robby]

Ok so basically the guy did a complete 180. I have to say, after much thought that I think he was just kidding in his off-beat wacked out way..the guy has issues. Maybe word got back to him that his comments were a bit much, but anyway, he's now back to the fairly civil guy he has been most of the year we have worked around each other. I think sometimes I do read way too much into things and take things way too seriously, partly a factor of being an only child. I basically think the guys off his rocker slightly, and ribbing even slightly inappropritately is his way of just coping with awkwardness. At any rate, he stopped it, and we shall see. If he were to do it again, I'll just deal with it if it happens. You have to stand up for yourself while treading carefully.

On another note, I've been feeling very lonely. My co-workers, while nice and civil, all have their own lives. The one girl I was close to at work and always hung out with and talked to moved to Florida. Dating life is nonexistant. I just have no interest in sex right now. Guys talk to me but all they want is sex. No conversation, no getting to know. And I am actually pretty outgoing, but it seems like a lot of guys are extremely awkward or socially anxious, or cannot hold a conversation,whats that about?

Lately I have been feeling pretty depressed and have thought about suicide a few times this week but didn't try anything. Just thought about it. Not liking myself too much lately. Seems like I am just going through life and nobody much cares if I'm in it. And I am really struggling with this anger.

 

[Joel's Hear]

Hello Robby! I still wouldn't trust the guy too much, even if he seems to have temporarily changed... I know forgiveness is divine, and I don't really know you or work at your job, but it seemed to me the other man's actions were more than a bit predatorial, and he is trying to subliminally make you feel either stupid or naive for thinking he was creepy. I'd keep both eyes open on this dude: be innocent as a dove but cunning as a snake.

Also, the world can be a pretty tough place for people looking for honest love and a life's mate and partner. I'm sure nobody much cares if I exist either, and I won't say EVERYBODY cares about you, but there are decent people hiding in the woodwork, and they'll only come out when the time is right.

 

[Robby]

I don't trust him. There's clearly something mentally wrong with him. The other day I was walking onto my suite and he was coming behind me and I assumed he was going to the restroom so i went on through the door and he made kind of a big deal out of it, ribbing me about not holding the door for him. Well sorry it was 830 in the morning and I didn't know he was coming through the same door as me. I'm just avoiding him everyone there knows he's crazy.

 

[Mattymatt]

I don't trust him. There's clearly something mentally wrong with him. The other day I was walking onto my suite and he was coming behind me and I assumed he was going to the restroom so i went on through the door and he made kind of a big deal out of it, ribbing me about not holding the door for him. Well sorry it was 830 in the morning and I didn't know he was coming through the same door as me. I'm just avoiding him everyone there knows he's crazy.

Sounds like this guy is a few fries short of a happy meal and everyone else knows it. I wouldn't sweat him because his reputation is such that he can do you no harm because he has no credibility with the firm anyway.

 

[Mr Allen]

I had more or less the same problem at my last job.

An older guy who was shadowing me on the Till because I was new, we got on at first but then he started passing comment on stuff like my weight and other issues (I can't help being a 14 and half stone short deaf guy), then one day he went too far (which has been discussed on here before) and he's very lucky I didn't belt him.

 

[Grandmother B]

So I kind of feel like I'm being picked on/bullied at work by one particular person. I have worked for the last year in a law firm as a clerk and am pretty good at my job and get along with all my co-workers. This older guy (40ish) paralegal has been there almost as long and mostly I haven't had a problem with him he's very odd, clearly isn't playing with a full deck. He tends to say very inappropriate stuff but nobody at work seems bothered by it maybe they just put it down to him being "eccentric". He's very unusual. He has spent days in his office and not talked to anyone yet other days seems manically happy and not in control of himself. He has been seen on numerous occasions in the past zonked out in his office, and seems to be on some pretty heavy meds. He's just very odd. He walks around constantly taking this partial dental plate in and out of his mouth to talk, with his bare hands (which he doesn't wash). Nobody seems phased by him. I wasn't either, until the last week or so, I don't know why all of a sudden he's started to be really nasty towards me, he gives me these dirty looks when I am in the same room as him, and he is starting to make nasty snide comments directed at me sometimes in front of co-workers..Like he'll say, "there's (my name), he's like Helen Keller and we all have to be Annie Sullivan for him". Or, he'll say, "who raised you, where are your manners" when everyone there knows perfectly well I am very good-mannered and always open doors for people and try to help anyone I can..I have dealt with a lot of crap in my life, from bullies in high school to having to deal with family members when I came out to them, and I love working where I work, but this one guy is making things really weird for me now.

Today, myself and a co-worker were entering a room and he happened to be there holding a door, and he said "not for you" directed at me. He has this thing too where if he's bantering with people he'll say "I will cut you"....I heard him say that awhile back to co workers he was bantering with, and he said it to me a few months back more than once..Jokingly probably, but still...From a 40 year old man it came off weird and creepy and very uncomfortable.I mean he's probably just on some sort of a sick bantering phase lately, given his odd personality, but I'm beginning to feel slightly bullied and it's making me have flashbacks to high school when I was severely bullied. I think he is either bipolar or has some major personality issue.

Issue is, I'm only part time here, and so I don't want to rock any boat, it's hard for me to get a job and I want to keep this one. And I have gotten along so well with all my co-workers. Everyone knows this guy is weird and creepy, but most seem to just ignore him or not be bothered. I try and avoid him but you know how it is in a small office. And lately he seems to just randomly say dumb **** to me even if I am totally minding my own business. What should I do? I could tell my boss I guess, and tell her I don't want to rock the boat, but just to let her know that he makes me uncomfortable? But given that the guy seems to be not all there mentally, what if he made up something about me? So for now, do I just deal with his nasty mouth? My co-worker said he was probably just feeling bad about himself and insecure so he looks to put down someone he thinks is good looking. Just not sure what to do. There's nothing physical at all, or anything like that. Maybe it's all banter, but words still hurt. I told him once, and asked why he was being mean, he simply said "why not"? Sorry but being mentally ill does not give one the right to be a jerk. Advice?

I would start by documenting everything like that that he does. Date it and collect the information over a few weeks. (Do it after you get home and leave it at home.) When you get enough evidence that he is crazy take it to your boss in a private meeting and inform her that you feel uncomfortable and threatened, and it sounds like, bullied. If you could get other coworkers to report his behavior also, that would help your case. Does the boss not see any of this? If you have the documentation, perhaps you can go over her head if she doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. It sounds like he may be on drugs, maybe not ones that are prescribed as medication. I worked under a person like that at one time and this other person and I documented everything and just as we were getting ready to take it to management, he got arrested for drugs. I know it's hard for you to find employment, but I wonder if it's worth it to stay there if they won't do anything. Good luck to you!

 

[Aeolienne]

I'm reminded of a similar story about an obnoxious colleague in the Guardian's "Dear Jeremy" column. Initially the work agony uncle suggested that the colleague was on the autism spectrum but was ordered to take that back following complaints from readers.
A team member is locked in a battle with me and is sabotaging my work
Jeremy's eagerness to play amateur psychologist was a tad hypocritical, as only two weeks earlier he had questioned a reader's self-diagnosis of Asperger's.
I have self-diagnosed myself with Asperger's - what can I do?

 

[Mary Lyn]

I would get myself one of those pocket sizes recording machines and when he approaches you get it out and let him see that you are recording what he says to you. It would be better if you did but not too important.