Advice needed

[Tatimax]

Hello! I have a neighbour who is a single autistic mom with autistic kid. She has no job and they live on son’s social security money in her parents house but parents moved out few months ago. She claims she can live independently but I see it’s not the case. She has no car, family support, income. Recently she took her son off school because she has no car to drive him and bus isn’t an option. I was driving him for awhile but can’t do it forever. My son is also autistic. Now her kid spends time in our house (hanging around, doing nothing) from 10am until 8pm. What do I do? Talking to her doesn’t seem working. Do I need to call school? My kid is homeschooled and having other kid just doing nothing causing problems.

 

[Judge]

Sounds like you need to explain it applying only the "unvarnished truth" of it all.

A friendship between two kids shouldn't come with a guarantee of extended daycare.

With the worst option (if necessary) being that the other child's presence on your premises could constitute a form of trespassing. When the law would inevitably have to intervene and investigate the circumstances.

 

[Outdated]

It also sounds like the OP has trouble setting boundaries. That's not always as easy as it sounds, sometimes you do have to act really mean and angry to get your point across, but it must be done.

 

[AspieChris]

Everyone’s own child is their first priority. You can’t homeschool an autistic child the right way if you’re distracted by something like this. Just because she needs help doesn’t make it your responsibility to help. And that applies to her child also. It’s cold hearted, but it’s true.

Outdated is right. Boundaries are essential. It’s already gone too far, but it can go a lot farther.

 

[Aspychata]

She is unrealistic. Did the parents basically dump her? Because they were at a loss? Isn't there some type of bus stop? Can you call the school? It's not your responsibility, l get that. She probably shouldn't have had a child if she can't take care of it. But the other side of the coin is foster homes, which is just as horrible. Can you get her to contact any relatives that can take care of child?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

In the US, we have Child Protective Services (CPS) that can come to the home and investigate what is going on.

 

[Tatimax]

Thanks everyone! Her family and the child’s father are in a different state. She doesn’t want to deal with any of them because she “is capable to handle things on her own”. School representatives showed up today because the child didn’t go to school for 3 weeks. But I don’t see any positive outcome from this visit today. She probably came up with an explanation for why he isn’t at school. My son really doesn’t have friends and having this boy in his life is very important for him. That why I was open to help but I see that this boy doesn’t get support he really needs. I don’t think that foster care is going to be helpful as well. I don’t really know her parents and why they left her and the boy. She is 32 years old and the best she can do is go to live with her mom (who wants her to come). Anyway! Thank you all for reading my post and replying.

 

[Rodafina]

Now her kid spends time in our house (hanging around, doing nothing) from 10am until 8pm.

That is an incredibly long period of time - it doesn't sound like she is working. Where is mom during this time?

I'll reiterate the advice above that it is time to take the difficult step of setting some firm and clear boundaries. This is an unhealthy situation for you and both of the children. I think a good starting point would be to define the hours that you are homeschooling your son and say that there can be absolutely no visits or distractions during this time.

This family needs help, but if you try to be the one to offer it, it sounds like it will smother you. If you really feel compelled to help, I would find a way to guide her toward a social service agency, perhaps your local child welfare officials like Child Protective Services (CPS). The first step for CPS is not to remove the child from their home on day one. The goal is to determine if the child is safe and see what services the family can access to help their situation.

 

[Aspychata]

Great you are homeschooling your son. My daughter was home-school. By high school, she attended a performing arts school with other socially awkward teenagers, and survived. Now she is working and a responsible young adult. But l told her that she needed to get a driver license. She felt otherwise. Then once she had a car in her last year of high school, she decided she wanted to work p/t as cashier. I never put restrictions on her, as she was a great kid, however she is ND. And l am ND, and l hate rules being shoved down my throat also. She went on to college/uni, and worked two p/t jobs.

 

[Judge]

I sometimes wonder how my life might have been had I been home-schooled.

Hard for so many of us to imagine a bully-free environment, though in my own case I seriously doubt my mother would have felt confident enough to consider it.

 

[Aspychata]

What is great about home-school is that you can focus on their special interests, even as they change. Something the public school can't do. But l believe NT children would benefit from this also.

 

[Judge]

What is great about home-school is that you can focus on their special interests, even as they change. Something the public school can't do. But l believe NT children would benefit from this also.

No doubt, when you consider the degree of Internet bullying that can make anyone and everyone a victim of such things, which can so easily impact the learning process.

Reminds me of giving up music in school when all the bullying left me feeling less than creative to play a musical instrument. Something had to give and that was it. Sad...

 

[Outdated]

I sometimes wonder how my life might have been had I been home-schooled. Hard for so many of us to imagine a bully-free environment, though in my own case I seriously doubt my mother would have felt confident enough to consider it.

My parents had no choice. They both worked and had little idea what we were doing during the day so if I didn't feel like going to school I didn't. I probably averaged going to school about 2 or 3 days a week.

 

[Judge]

My parents had no choice. They both worked and had little idea what we were doing during the day so if I didn't feel like going to school I didn't. I probably averaged going to school about 2 or 3 days a week.

In hindsight, do you look back on this any differently than before? Just wondering.

With truancy enforced enforced formally, that's not an option I or anyone else around me actually had. Makes me wonder how different (at all) I might have been to have been able to escape school when I felt like it. And if it would have seriously cost me.

 

[Outdated]

In hindsight, do you look back on this any differently than before? Just wondering.

I was one of those weirdos that could just read books and understand them. When I did go to school I spent most of my time just ignoring the class and the teacher while reading science fiction novels. I always got straight As in exams, in fact exams were the only part of school I liked.

With truancy enforced enforced formally, that's not an option I or anyone else around me actually had. Makes me wonder how different (at all) I might have been to have been able to escape school when I felt like it. And if it would have seriously cost me.

It's the same here but all of my teachers were happy with the status quo and never said a word.

[Edit] just thought I should add, back when I went to school teachers weren't allowed to conduct exams on their own students, instead we had official government examiners running the exams and teachers weren't allowed to attend. So it didn't matter a hoot what my teachers thought of me, they weren't the people I had to impress.

 

[vergil96]

I was one of those weirdos that could just read books and understand them. When I did go to school I spent most of my time just ignoring the class and the teacher while reading science fiction novels. I always got straight As in exams, in fact exams were the only part of school I liked.

Same

My parents had no choice. They both worked and had little idea what we were doing during the day so if I didn't feel like going to school I didn't. I probably averaged going to school about 2 or 3 days a week.

I had something like 30% absences

But they had to leave me alone, because of the 100% grades and science competitions

 

[Au Naturel]

Tell the other kid he is not allowed in the house before 4 PM or after 9 pm. If he tries, call the school and let them know there's a truant on your doorstep.

You probably don't want to become a foster parent or reject the kid completely.

 

[Au Naturel]

Same


I had something like 30% absences

But they had to leave me alone, because of the 100% grades and science competitions

Our school had a policy of "attend or fail." There was no option for leaving me alone. Attendance was the law. And if I didn't attend, the school didn't get state money for me for that day.

 

[vergil96]

I was on sick leave a lot, unfortunately.

 

[SusanLR]

I was on sick leave a lot, unfortunately.

Same here. Unfortunate for having health issues. Fortunate the family doctor was almost like family and got me out of PE and times I didn't feel like attending classes.
I still got the grades and that was what mattered to them then.

I did home school high school. It was good IMO.
It gave me time to get some pre-employment experience through some special interests. I had a greenhouse where I enjoyed raising plants which I sold to a small local nursery. That wouldn't be allowed now, but it was back then.
My parents turned the garage into a ceramic studio where I custom made lamps, statues and planters for people. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to learn how to be with other people as I had classes on Saturday afternoons where people could come and make their own things.

The OP problem must be confronted. Either directly with the kid or with the help of some type of social services. He needs help.