Advice please on how to stop ruminating daily about social defects

[Rasputin]

@Rasputin This emotion I am trying to explain is caused by myself. I am an INTJ, so reading up on that door slam thing was interesting. However, I do not think I can slam the door on myself.

Oh and I only talked about my verbal conversations, but it also happens if I chose the wrong body language/expressions to display, or if I just feel stupid for not understanding theirs or what they are saying.

Gah! i just know it is going to get better!!! This time last year I had no idea why I was like this and just totally berated myself for every little thing, calling myself names. Not just in this area but all areas of life.

I am very sad to learn others suffer with this also. I am, however, comforted somewhat seeing your responses knowing that, once again, I am not alone. I know I say that a lot... but it really just means so much to me, it is quite intense. <3

No, you are not alone. I struggle with what you are talking about myself. I try to stop myself when I become aware I am doing this, and focus on things I enjoy. I also need some time to myself when I am like this, because it is only within us that we can control these thoughts. To the extent possible being around close friends also helps to validate oneself, and to overcome these thoughts.

Also, since you are an INTJ that makes you somewhat rare. My guess is our personality type makes it easier for us to sort through conflict objectively. You should learn to trust your instincts if you don't already. It might help you in resolving these thoughts that trouble you.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I still don't know how to stop the thoughts, but I have learned how to redirect them.

I get thoughts, memories, fears, etc, popping into my head all the time. Dumb, embarrassing, or malicious things I did decades ago suddenly come back and demand to be regretted.

I acknowledge them, then redirect them toward something positive.

It used to be that when a memory came up, I would reflexively think, "That was terrible. I'm terrible." Instead, I consciously choose to think, "Yep. I did that. But I know better now." or "I'm glad to be free of that." or "I will learn from that and do better next time."

Here's how it works for me:

1) The first thing you have to do is start recognizing your automatic reflexes - the feelings and thoughts you get when those thoughts come up.

2) Then, you have to decide on how you want to react. For this, I sometimes look at how people around me handle it, or ask myself how they would handle it (like all the people I know in real life are always available as a temporary imaginary friend for me to consult with).

3) After that, put your new reaction into words. You have to literally script what you're going to think next time. "Next time this thought comes up, I'm going to say to myself that I can leave it in the past and learn from it, and that I look forward to do better next time this happens."

4) Practice your new reaction before the thoughts come up.

5) Practice your new reaction every time the thoughts come up.

If you're anything like me, it'll take a while to make your new reaction a habit, but I promise you it can be done.

 

[Faloola]

I have come to the conclusion that is serves no constructive purpose to beat oneself up.

 

[Miagar]

@Solphire thank you for starting this thread. So so relatable.

Before diagnosis I had no idea why I did this, I never told anyone I did it and sort of assumed everyone probably did??

Since diagnosis I've realised that even though it's so painful to be bombarded with these post interaction analyses, it has actually helped us to learn NTs better and be a bit better at social functioning. Yes, at a cost, and perhaps if i'd known I'm an aspie I would have intervened on myself sooner, but i guess the silver lining is still there: our brain was just looking out for us! The over rumination was a coping mechanism all along

My favourite advice I read in this thread was to think instead about a social interaction that went well which we can congratulate ourselves about. (thanks @Aspychata)

On a personal note, distraction doesn't work for me. It feels chaotic to leave my thoughts "hanging" without resolution. Redirection / reframing seems like a much more effective way to "end" the cycle. Thanks again for everyone's great advice.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Here's your cure. Autism isn't psychological, so psychological stuff might not work. Play some word or math games to refocus your brain on something else. You'll forget all about it.

 

[Pats]

I'm a constant ruminator of past conversations far and near. The ONLY way to stop is with distraction. I force myself to think of other things, but the conversations come back if they're recent.
A couple days ago I took my son (and grandson) out for dinner for his birthday and still kicking myself. I'm thinking: did I let him finish what he was trying to say? Why did I respond with what I do, instead of why he does what he does? I don't think I exhibited enough concern. the list goes on. This is day 3 of ruminating. I did send him a message adding to our conversation, but it doesn't help.
I always do this. I do it with everyone and regret later, but I always do it with my kids and it hurts. I've seen my daughter's eyes water and not ask why. I hate myself for it. I really do - and it's why I prefer writing, texting, messaging. I could ask in writing. Lack of things said can be hurtful and that's where my problem lies.

 

[Solphire]

I have come to the conclusion that is serves no constructive purpose to beat oneself up.

I assure you, I am not 'trying' to beat myself up. My brain does this ruminating without any cognizant thought on my behalf. I believe it has served a constructive purpose. I just have to find a way not to let it hurt me anymore.

Here's your cure. Autism isn't psychological, so psychological stuff might not work. Play some word or math games to refocus your brain on something else. You'll forget all about it.

Thanks for this. Perhaps this is why my 'thought battles' have not been working. I believe I could tolerate the pain if it was only emotional, but like some here, I have somatic emotions...so emotional pain always equals physical pain (usually chest or throat). Heck, that is how I figure out I am having feelings most of the time, because I feel the physical pain first. Also, I really am disturbed by my want to run my head into the wall. >< Pfft. Like that is going to help.

 

[Rocco]

I have struggled for years with a like of negative thought patterns and cycles. In the last few months I have been using these subliminal affirmation videos at night, during the day, and playing while other music is on. Slowly I have noticed a multitude of improvements in my mental health, physical health, and overall feelings of well being. I recognize I have posted several recently yet continue to do so purely out of hope than even one other person can achieve some measure of progress in their own lives. The videos are not a magic bullet, however, they have an amazing way of rewiring and removing a lot of subconscious negativity, in my opinion https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QyppSk4RSH0&t=20662s

Extreme Confidence With People - River Sounds Subliminal Session - By Thomas Hall

 

[Rocco]

In therapy, reading books, and other methods of learning how to improve myself or my mental health, I never could quite convince myself to actually improve or grow as an individual. Despite an overwhelming desire for relief from negative thoughts and attitudes, I was unable to make real progress or convince myself I was not less than others.

With the subliminal videos there is no effort involved, which appeals to the lazy man inside my brain. I just push play and go to sleep, read a book, paint some nonsense, even quietly playing on my phone, while I drive and listen to classical music.
I tried several solfeggio and binaural tones, frequencies, and beats and also found a fair bit of relief, but moved on to the subliminal videos quickly after a few weeks of the tones/frequencies.

I really hope you can find some comfort from all the positive affirmations

 

[sisselcakes]

See Thread name.

Okay so now I have found others who do this too. I need fresh tactics.

Every day and night, I rummage through old conversations I have had, either recently or even years ago. I think about how I should have worded it, reconsidered how they might have heard my statement and taken offense, what if they thought I was being sarcastic or manipulative (something I never am, but NTs are so they may not understand our direct honesty) how I overshared and am now embarrassed, or how I said (or did) something outright strange and weird (to them) and am now humiliated.

Each of these thoughts can pop into my head at any given time, unprovoked, and then I have a strong desire and urge to bang my forehead on the wall multiple times (interestingly, before diagnosis I always wondered where this desire came from). Worry not, I do not bang my head, I restrain myself. But the internal pain is there, you know?

This has benefited me in some way, because I have learned much from this. I guess this is my lifelong method of trying to understand social constructs and find a way to fit myself into them.

When this happens, instead of head banging, I start a 'thought battle' against myself.

1) "The other person has already forgotten the weird thing I said or did. They are not fixated on it as I am. They do not care; I do not take up space in their mind."

2) "Okay so maybe that thing I said can be taken wrong, but you didn't mean it that way and were being truthful and direct. You meant well and spoke from good intent"

3) "This person already likes you, and likes to be around your 'quirkiness'. They have surely forgave you."

What I want advice on is this:
Is there anyway to STOP myself from having these initial thoughts at all? To stop my brain from even 'going there' and ruminating? My embarrassment and humiliation is so great, that when it happens I want to die (in that moment). It hurts. I wish I didn't care, but I do.

Have you tried mindfulness? Lots of info online.

 

[Captain]

I have the exact same problem ! It makes me feel like I'm going insane sometimes. The advice here is great. I agree that distraction is great; anything works for me really, I generally just watch videos or so when I'm to tired for anything else.
It's worst for me when I try to fall asleep, because then my brain only has itself to entertain. Unfortunately the walls are quite thin where I live, or I'd listen to audiobooks/podcasts, otherwise, I just try to relax best as possible. Keep my breathing steady, and tell my "this is just the way it is", over and over. There's nothing I can do about this. Also, Valerian Root Tea, great for falling asleep.
The other thing I do it write things down. Whenever I have too much going on in my head, it is so terribly refreshing to put it to paper. That may my mind doesn't constantly have to keep the issue 'online' because it hasn't dealt with it properly yet. And by writing it down, sometimes I manage to see things from a different perspective. Either way, I can file it away for later use (though I rarely ever read those entries, which says something about how trivial some of these thoughts are), and put my mind at ease (though unfortunately it's generally not as simple as that).
Hope this helps xx

 

[Questor2017]

See Thread name.

Okay so now I have found others who do this too. I need fresh tactics.

Every day and night, I rummage through old conversations I have had, either recently or even years ago. I think about how I should have worded it, reconsidered how they might have heard my statement and taken offense, what if they thought I was being sarcastic or manipulative (something I never am, but NTs are so they may not understand our direct honesty) how I overshared and am now embarrassed, or how I said (or did) something outright strange and weird (to them) and am now humiliated.

Each of these thoughts can pop into my head at any given time, unprovoked, and then I have a strong desire and urge to bang my forehead on the wall multiple times (interestingly, before diagnosis I always wondered where this desire came from). Worry not, I do not bang my head, I restrain myself. But the internal pain is there, you know?

This has benefited me in some way, because I have learned much from this. I guess this is my lifelong method of trying to understand social constructs and find a way to fit myself into them.

When this happens, instead of head banging, I start a 'thought battle' against myself.

1) "The other person has already forgotten the weird thing I said or did. They are not fixated on it as I am. They do not care; I do not take up space in their mind."

2) "Okay so maybe that thing I said can be taken wrong, but you didn't mean it that way and were being truthful and direct. You meant well and spoke from good intent"

3) "This person already likes you, and likes to be around your 'quirkiness'. They have surely forgave you."

What I want advice on is this:
Is there anyway to STOP myself from having these initial thoughts at all? To stop my brain from even 'going there' and ruminating? My embarrassment and humiliation is so great, that when it happens I want to die (in that moment). It hurts. I wish I didn't care, but I do.

 

[Questor2017]

This mental replay happens to most people. A small amount of it can be helpful in letting us vent, but too much of it isn't good. What you need to do is to let it run for a few minutes, then change the channel. Work on thinking of other stuff, play music, start a task or chore, turn on the TV, just do something else. Never let this cycle run for more than a few minutes. I used to have a bad time with it, until I learned to let it run for a few minutes, to get it out of my system, and then changed the channel. Things got somewhat better after that.

I also found that I was low on the B complex vitamins. Now that I take B complex supplements, my chronic life long depression has mostly gone away.

I hope my suggestions help you, and others.

 

[Solphire]

This mental replay happens to most people. A small amount of it can be helpful in letting us vent, but too much of it isn't good. What you need to do is to let it run for a few minutes, then change the channel. Work on thinking of other stuff, play music, start a task or chore, turn on the TV, just do something else. Never let this cycle run for more than a few minutes. I used to have a bad time with it, until I learned to let it run for a few minutes, to get it out of my system, and then changed the channel. Things got somewhat better after that.

I also found that I was low on the B complex vitamins. Now that I take B complex supplements, my chronic life long depression has mostly gone away.

I hope my suggestions help you, and others.

My hubby just picked me up some B vitamins tonight, as it would so happen. He seemingly also came to the same conclusion as you regarding that. Very interesting timing that is! As it is Mid-winter here in Michigan, it is rather hard to have energy to go about living. I think I need to restructure my routine again also, and actually follow it. I've been far too complacent and struggling to get anything done.