Afraid of my friends outgrowing me

[paloftoon]

Your friends having babies, well you can probably still be with them if you can offer to help them care for their babies or help with household chores. If they aren't okay with you being in their homes in that capacity, then maybe they aren't good friends anymore unfortunately. They may want their private time. Having or adopting kids definitely changes everything- even if it's an "excuse."

 

[Baeraad]

Your friends having babies, well you can probably still be with them if you can offer to help them care for their babies or help with household chores. If they aren't okay with you being in their homes in that capacity, then maybe they aren't good friends anymore unfortunately. They may want their private time. Having or adopting kids definitely changes everything- even if it's an "excuse."

Since these friends are both long-distance and over the Internet, that doesn't really apply. The question is just whether they'll have the time, energy and inclination to sit down at a computer and communicate with me in some meaningful capacity from time to time.

 

[Misery]

Hmm, okay... I guess I've heard bits and pieces of all of that before. I do think I mostly stay away from the huge generic games, though that's mostly because I don't see the point of them. Smaller, quirkier games tend to be more fun. I think that probably points me in direction of indie-ish games on its own.

Oh yeah, that's how I often look at them too. Because you're right, they're generic as heck. That's another difference between AAA and indie: creativity isnt really allowed in AAA stuffs. It's just too risky, you see. The games cost WAY too much to make, for any publisher (other than Nintendo) to be willing to take a risk on something truly new. And even when something does show some creativity during development, that creativity is focus-tested into oblivion by the publisher. That's why sometimes you'll see trailers for a game, with a cool artstyle and wacky characters, but when it actually comes out a year later, all that is gone and it's generic like everything else. AAA devs have no choice but to follow their contracts... they dont get to make the decisions. Indies, on the other hand, can do whatever the heck they want. That all was the other half of the reason why I jumped the fence like I did. Though again, the exception is Nintendo. They're still willing to be colorful and weird. So I have a Switch at least. Right now, Mario Maker 2 is my obsession. Well, one of them anyway, I never focus on JUST one game at a time. But all the others I'm playing are on PC.

Oh, then you must let me run something for you sometime so you can try it out! I'm super-non-intimidating, honest, and while I am not good at much, I run an excellent game.

I can also tell you that just generally, once you're past the first awkwardness, roleplaying games have the benefit of being a structured and regimented form of social interaction. There's a reason why D&D has been a major method for socialising awkward teenage boys for decades. Everyone at the table knows the rules, everyone agrees on the goal, and no one has to make eye contact with anyone. And of course there's the extra layer of insulation that you aren't doing anything, you're just reporting what your character is doing, so you can feel less self-conscious about it.

I won't paint it out too rosey, because a hobby that attracts people with low social skills also attracts its share of low-empathy rotters, and one of those can ruin a game good and proper. But all in all, it's been my experience over the better part of a decade that it's a really good way to get a nice bit of human interaction for a minimum of the usual cost in stress and energy.

Well, see, I run into three other problems with the whole idea:

1. I have limited patience and I dont sit still well for extended periods. I have some friends that go to regular D&D sessions, and I've heard that their sessions are FIVE HOURS LONG. Five hours! I could last MAYBE an hour, two if I've had alot of caffiene. And that'd be the extent of it. Also, yeah, the patience bit. There's alot of waiting for other players to go "Um...." and "Uh...." while they try to very slowly make decisions. I dont deal well with that, as I discovered via MMOs years ago. Gaming tournaments were another example. I'd join fighting game tourneys while at conventions (as I'm *really* good at that type of game), but if there were too many delays between matches and such, I had a tendency to say "screw it" and just wander off. Irritated the hell out of my friends at the time, but... feh, I didnt want to wait that bloody long.

2. I'm notoriously unreliable in terms of schedule. Aside from being forgetful, I have a bizarre rotating sleep schedule. Right now, I'm entering the night phase of my cycle. Over the next 10-12 days or so, I'll rotate back to a day schedule. No, I dont know why. I find it more than a little annoying. But it makes scheduling things in advance nigh-impossible. So regular sessions absolutely wouldnt happen. Nobody would be willing to constantly switch up the timeframe just to work with my schedule. Endless dog-related interruptions also wouldnt help. I cant say no to that lovable furball when he wants to play. I just cant.

3. With online stuff, I dont have a headset. No mic, in other words. Well, TECHNICALLY the Oculus has a mic in it, but trying to manipulate stuff on a curved 2D screen that's floating in front of me in bizarro land while I'm in VR wouldnt end well. So, I'd be communicating via typing only. Which is fine by me, I type at a ridiculous speed, but alot of people wouldnt like that. And part of the reason why I dont have a headset is because it feels too much like using a phone... I dunno about you, but I do very badly with long-distance voice communication. Just... ugh. I dunno what it is about that, but I cant deal with it, never could.

True. I guess I can start a thread in the games section and see where everyone's at...

Much to my non-stop annoyance, there isnt one. Though, I dont know that we have all that many gamers here anyway. I dont see gaming topics pop up particularly often.

And I'm also very fond of this really weird guy named Carlton Mellick III, who writes... well, I guess one description would be "high-concept surrealist gross-out horror." It's essentially stories emulating those really weird dreams you have sometimes that makes you wonder if you're secretly a deeply disturbed person, since you've apparently got such things bubbling around your subconscious. The last book he published is about a group of children lost in an amusement park in a world where humanity is going extinct from traps set every night by giant alien robot spiders. Also, the teenagers who are supposed to be taking care of them keeps using them as stalking horses to check if there's traps ahead. Also, some of them are gradually turning into cheese. No, it makes no more sense in context, and it's sort of wonderful in its bizarre horror.

I *must* have this book.

Though I'll admit, it doesnt sound as warped as the dreams I *do* have. But still... an actual freaking book with all that stuff in it? Oh yes. I need it.

And bizarre horror is great. Do you ever read so-called "creepypastas"? Bloody stupid term, but I dont make the rules here. Some of those can be darned good. I dont suppose you're familiar with the SCP Foundation?



Rambly is good. [/QUOTE]

 

[Baeraad]

Well, see, I run into three other problems with the whole idea:

1. I have limited patience and I dont sit still well for extended periods. I have some friends that go to regular D&D sessions, and I've heard that their sessions are FIVE HOURS LONG. Five hours! I could last MAYBE an hour, two if I've had alot of caffiene. And that'd be the extent of it. Also, yeah, the patience bit. There's alot of waiting for other players to go "Um...." and "Uh...." while they try to very slowly make decisions. I dont deal well with that, as I discovered via MMOs years ago. Gaming tournaments were another example. I'd join fighting game tourneys while at conventions (as I'm *really* good at that type of game), but if there were too many delays between matches and such, I had a tendency to say "screw it" and just wander off. Irritated the hell out of my friends at the time, but... feh, I didnt want to wait that bloody long.

2. I'm notoriously unreliable in terms of schedule. Aside from being forgetful, I have a bizarre rotating sleep schedule. Right now, I'm entering the night phase of my cycle. Over the next 10-12 days or so, I'll rotate back to a day schedule. No, I dont know why. I find it more than a little annoying. But it makes scheduling things in advance nigh-impossible. So regular sessions absolutely wouldnt happen. Nobody would be willing to constantly switch up the timeframe just to work with my schedule. Endless dog-related interruptions also wouldnt help. I cant say no to that lovable furball when he wants to play. I just cant.

3. With online stuff, I dont have a headset. No mic, in other words. Well, TECHNICALLY the Oculus has a mic in it, but trying to manipulate stuff on a curved 2D screen that's floating in front of me in bizarro land while I'm in VR wouldnt end well. So, I'd be communicating via typing only. Which is fine by me, I type at a ridiculous speed, but alot of people wouldnt like that.

Ahhhh, I see... Well, five-hour sessions might be the norm for college kids but is a pipe dream at our age (everyone's always turning up late, and then they always have to leave early for one reason or another - honestly, scheduling for 3-4 thirty-somethings is a NIGHTMARE! ), but one hour would still be a little short, yes, and there is a lot of waiting around for people to get a sentence out... The lack of a headset is a non-issue, I've almost only ever done pure text sessions. But the sleep cycle thing would be a problem also, yes.

I still stand by my offer to run a super-short session for you personally sometime, mind, just so you can try it.

Also, there is such a thing as play-by-post - essentially, running a game in a forum thread, just like this one. That still takes a certain kind of stamina, since you have to keep going back day after day, and the majority of games don't last long as a result, but I've always preferred it - for many of the same reasons as you list, actually. Sitting around being "in the zone" for hours on end isn't entirely easy for me either.

And part of the reason why I dont have a headset is because it feels too much like using a phone... I dunno about you, but I do very badly with long-distance voice communication. Just... ugh. I dunno what it is about that, but I cant deal with it, never could.

That's interesting, actually, because I have about half of that. I can talk on the phone without much problem... once I've started. And while I don't like people calling me up out of the blue, I can cope with that. But I have and have always had a downright childish terror of having to call people. I don't know why, there is just something inherently anxiety-inducing about having to summarise who I am and what I want right after the other person answers. I just freeze up and want to beg for mercy. And that just makes it worse, because I'm sure no one wants me to call them up and beg them for mercy.

Much to my non-stop annoyance, there isnt one. Though, I dont know that we have all that many gamers here anyway. I dont see gaming topics pop up particularly often.

Well, I meant the Forum Games subforum, but yeah, that one does seem to be more about word association games and stuff - not a very good fit, on consideration. I was sort of chickening out on the idea anyway. It's fine, I do know a roleplaying forum where I can try to host something, I just keep dragging my feet because it's different from the one I used to frequent and different is scary and upsetting.

I *must* have this book.

It's called Mouse Trap and is on amazon.com. And it's not the weirdest or most horrifying thing he's ever written by a long shot, either. His crowning achievement is probably the post-apocalyptic one where werewolf amazon bikers are fighting a war against the mutant soldiers of the Holy McDonalds Corporation. Also, people get eaten alive. A lot.

And bizarre horror is great. Do you ever read so-called "creepypastas"? Bloody stupid term, but I dont make the rules here. Some of those can be darned good. I dont suppose you're familiar with the SCP Foundation?

I never could figure out what to make of creepypastas, but the SCP Foundation? Yes, absolutely. I've lost a lot of hours to that one. The best ones are wonderfully demoralising and gives you that nice skeevy feeling that nothing actually works the way you thought it did.

 

[paloftoon]

Since these friends are both long-distance and over the Internet, that doesn't really apply. The question is just whether they'll have the time, energy and inclination to sit down at a computer and communicate with me in some meaningful capacity from time to time.

There are probably other people interested in making Internet only friends out there you can look for. By looking for others, you aren't rejecting your current connections. Just keeping your options open.

I'm guessing you previously met these two people in-person, the ones that have kids now?

It might be worth considering looking for local friends you can speak with in-person too. Internet is a great option, but it doesn't replace the emotional warmth of meeting someone in-person.

 

[Baeraad]

There are probably other people interested in making Internet only friends out there you can look for. By looking for others, you aren't rejecting your current connections. Just keeping your options open.

No, to be sure, I used to have more friends than this - there's plenty of room. And like I think I've already said upthread, I do plan to try to put myself out there more. Me coming here is in itself part of that. I just know from experience how very difficult it is for me to make friends, even and especially when I'm actively trying to. I mean, I trust that I won't blow your mind if I confess that I'm not the greatest with people, and especially with strangers?

I'm guessing you previously met these two people in-person, the ones that have kids now?

Yes? One of them once, many years ago. The other one five times over the span of the last eight years. Why?

It might be worth considering looking for local friends you can speak with in-person too. Internet is a great option, but it doesn't replace the emotional warmth of meeting someone in-person.

I'm going to a local meetup this Sunday, so again, way ahead of you... But also again, the sheer uphill struggle of it depresses me. I'm bad at introducing myself online. I'm very very bad at introducing myself in real life.

 

[onlything]

I know what you mean. People change so much through years, their priorities change so much. It often seems to me like everyone else is growing and moving on while others move on, change jobs, graduate, get families. It's saddening to be honest. I'm rigid and I can see it myself easily, even if I learnt so much about social interactions and, dare I say, rituals. I still like things I first fell in love in as a little child and they, well... It doesn't help that they get interested in things that have little worth to me, like dressing up, formal parties, status and money.

It feels more and more lonely with each passing year.

 

[paloftoon]

. . .

Yes? One of them once, many years ago. The other one five times over the span of the last eight years. Why?

. . .

Earlier, you mentioned that since you contact some of these people via the Internet and that meeting them and taking care of their kids doesn't really apply, that's why I ask.
That combined with the fact that I might not be able to keep track of what was mentioned in prior posts even though I try my best or if certain things may not have been explained enough or need to be explained in multiple posts, etc.

Since you do have prior in-person contact with them, even though you don't normally have it now, if you truly want to continue a connection with these people, your aim might have to be to offer such services that involve being with their children and doing things at their age level and such if you want to try to visit the long distance that they are away.

If you'd never met them in-person, then there would be a sense of trust to consider as a factor as well in addition to people having children and taking responsibility in raising them.

 

[Baeraad]

I know what you mean. People change so much through years, their priorities change so much. It often seems to me like everyone else is growing and moving on while others move on, change jobs, graduate, get families. It's saddening to be honest. I'm rigid and I can see it myself easily, even if I learnt so much about social interactions and, dare I say, rituals. I still like things I first fell in love in as a little child and they, well... It doesn't help that they get interested in things that have little worth to me, like dressing up, formal parties, status and money.

It feels more and more lonely with each passing year.

Yeah... Children are a drastic change, but hardly the only change. I feel like I've spent more and more effort over the years faking maturity (for lack of a better term) and not doing too convincing a job of it. The things I wanted at twenty are still the things I want now, they're just more and more out of reach. And it's not even as if they were that easy to get hold of back then, either.