Aimlessness

[texkag]

Hi Everyone,

I have been away from the forum for months now mainly due to experiencing a major depression. I am my wife's carer and also have two teenagers on the spectrum. About five months ago I had to leave my voluntary role with the Citizen's Advice Bureau here in the UK because my wife's disability became so unstable. Since then I have slipped into a black hole. My social skills, whilst never great, have deteriorated and I seem to be just drifting in life.

Five or more years ago I was studying with the Open University towards a BA and couldn't wait to get out of bed and learn something new. Two years into my degree and my wife's health went down hill and I had to stop studying and settle for a certificate. Since then our government has decimated funding for higher education.

I apologize if this is disconnected and rambling but I really feel as if my brain is decaying. Since I stopped study and volunteer work I have felt like I have wandered aimlessly through my day. Don't get me wrong, there's a mountain of things to get done but none of them bring me the joy that learning has done.

I have tried to fit other things in but they have ultimately turned out to be dead ends. I have tried various crafts, local history, creative writing even. In fact anything that I can do around my caring commitments. I tend to rush in and try to learn everything about them but, lacking any outside structure, my motivation tapers off and I sink back into depression.

I seem to be lost without an overarching goal. My energy for life seems to be draining away. I don't know how much of this is purely AS. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADHD or if it's simply the depression that's causing this pattern to recur.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any ideas for managing it? I realize that I have not expressed myself very clearly but I could write this post all over again and I don't think it would end up any clearer.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi Everyone,

I have been away from the forum for months now mainly due to experiencing a major depression. I am my wife's carer and also have two teenagers on the spectrum. About five months ago I had to leave my voluntary role with the Citizen's Advice Bureau here in the UK because my wife's disability became so unstable. Since then I have slipped into a black hole. My social skills, whilst never great, have deteriorated and I seem to be just drifting in life.

Five or more years ago I was studying with the Open University towards a BA and couldn't wait to get out of bed and learn something new. Two years into my degree and my wife's health went down hill and I had to stop studying and settle for a certificate. Since then our government has decimated funding for higher education.

I apologize if this is disconnected and rambling but I really feel as if my brain is decaying. Since I stopped study and volunteer work I have felt like I have wandered aimlessly through my day. Don't get me wrong, there's a mountain of things to get done but none of them bring me the joy that learning has done.

I have tried to fit other things in but they have ultimately turned out to be dead ends. I have tried various crafts, local history, creative writing even. In fact anything that I can do around my caring commitments. I tend to rush in and try to learn everything about them but, lacking any outside structure, my motivation tapers off and I sink back into depression.

I seem to be lost without an overarching goal. My energy for life seems to be draining away. I don't know how much of this is purely AS. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADHD or if it's simply the depression that's causing this pattern to recur.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any ideas for managing it? I realize that I have not expressed myself very clearly but I could write this post all over again and I don't think it would end up any clearer.

Never had severe depression for long periods, iam too anxious for that.
I nursed my mother for 16 months,she had the worst form of motor neurone disease The MND nurses had ever seen .
I think I have ADHD ,but I think because of autism I couldn't comprehend what was happening.
And I didn't know I was autistic ,I live in North East England,there is little or no promotion of autism where I live ,apart from Kanners autism.
Her form of motor neurone disease progressed very very quickly,so I never had time to process what was happening,I just grieved and tried to keep her alive.
I think that's the problem we don't realise we are grieving,something has died that's where the depression comes from .

 

[The Midge]

Hi Everyone,

I have been away from the forum for months now mainly due to experiencing a major depression. I am my wife's carer and also have two teenagers on the spectrum. About five months ago I had to leave my voluntary role with the Citizen's Advice Bureau here in the UK because my wife's disability became so unstable. Since then I have slipped into a black hole. My social skills, whilst never great, have deteriorated and I seem to be just drifting in life.

Five or more years ago I was studying with the Open University towards a BA and couldn't wait to get out of bed and learn something new. Two years into my degree and my wife's health went down hill and I had to stop studying and settle for a certificate. Since then our government has decimated funding for higher education.

I apologize if this is disconnected and rambling but I really feel as if my brain is decaying. Since I stopped study and volunteer work I have felt like I have wandered aimlessly through my day. Don't get me wrong, there's a mountain of things to get done but none of them bring me the joy that learning has done.

I have tried to fit other things in but they have ultimately turned out to be dead ends. I have tried various crafts, local history, creative writing even. In fact anything that I can do around my caring commitments. I tend to rush in and try to learn everything about them but, lacking any outside structure, my motivation tapers off and I sink back into depression.

I seem to be lost without an overarching goal. My energy for life seems to be draining away. I don't know how much of this is purely AS. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADHD or if it's simply the depression that's causing this pattern to recur.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any ideas for managing it? I realize that I have not expressed myself very clearly but I could write this post all over again and I don't think it would end up any clearer.

You do need to do something for yourself. No, it is not selfish. You can't support your family if you get depressed. And it sounds like depression. Perhaps you should speak to your GP.

 

[texkag]

Never had severe depression for long periods, iam too anxious for that.
I nursed my mother for 16 months,she had the worst form of motor neurone disease The MND nurses had ever seen .
I think I have ADHD ,but I think because of autism I couldn't comprehend what was happening.
And I didn't know I was autistic ,I live in North East England,there is little or no promotion of autism where I live ,apart from Kanners autism.
Her form of motor neurone disease progressed very very quickly,so I never had time to process what was happening,I just grieved and tried to keep her alive.
I think that's the problem we don't realise we are grieving,something has died that's where the depression comes from .

I know how you feel. When I lost my dad many years ago, it took years before I could even begin to grieve for him.

 

[texkag]

You do need to do something for yourself. No, it is not selfish. You can't support your family if you get depressed. And it sounds like depression. Perhaps you should speak to your GP.

Finding something that grips me enough but doesn't take up too much time is proving impossible right now.

 

[Streetwise]

My mam was a solicitor before she died,it was a very stressful job and I remember a couple of years ago seeing adult colouring books on a website and a review by a solicitor Who enjoyed colouring,he liked Felt tip pens don't know why .

 

[The Midge]

Finding something that grips me enough but doesn't take up too much time is proving impossible right now.

Which can be a sign of depression.

Ok. What do you enjoy, if you had all the time in the word and an unlimited budget? Would you like to share?

 

[Alaska]

Hi Everyone,

I have been away from the forum for months now mainly due to experiencing a major depression. I am my wife's carer and also have two teenagers on the spectrum. About five months ago I had to leave my voluntary role with the Citizen's Advice Bureau here in the UK because my wife's disability became so unstable. Since then I have slipped into a black hole. My social skills, whilst never great, have deteriorated and I seem to be just drifting in life.

Five or more years ago I was studying with the Open University towards a BA and couldn't wait to get out of bed and learn something new. Two years into my degree and my wife's health went down hill and I had to stop studying and setmtle for a certificate. Since then our government has decimated funding for higher education.

I apologize if this is disconnected and rambling but I really feel as if my brain is decaying. Since I stopped study and volunteer work I have felt like I have wandered aimlessly through my day. Don't get me wrong, there's a mountain of things to get done but none of them bring me the joy that learning has done.

I have tried to fit other things in but they have ultimately turned out to be dead ends. I have tried various crafts, local history, creative writing even. In fact anything that I can do around my caring commitments. I tend to rush in and try to learn everything about them but, lacking any outside structure, my motivation tapers off and I sink back into depression.

I seem to be lost without an overarching goal. My energy for life seems to be draining away. I don't know how much of this is purely AS. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADHD or if it's simply the depression that's causing this pattern to recur.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any ideas for managing it? I realize that I have not expressed myself very clearly but I could write this post all over again and I don't think it would end up any clearer.

I am not sure the solution to your problem is entirely within yourself. I believe that you are suffering from caregivers burnout. You need some way to get a break from being a caregiver on a regular basis. People suffer from taking care of one person all the time, let alone three people.

I do not know the resources available for caregiver respite in the UK, but they must have something. If you have not looked for this type of support yet, you should do so as soon as possible.

If there actually is nothing like this in your area, then you may need to see about forming some kind of support group. You can trade off with other members to take care of your charges to give each other breaks.

 

[spaceman]

Yes I have been through this. I did a higher education coarse and after it ended, I took a job related to what I trained in, and ALL THE TURKEYS came home to roost. I didn't know I was aspie, but old fears, patterns and anxiety came to hit me. I got gas lighted out of the job and went on freefall. I thought afterwards I had a nervous breakdown, but now I know it was something else. I'm not saying you may have a meltdown I swear, but the lull I had afterwards and the void left by no study, plus rejection and guilt cause I left a job left me aimlessly sinking away. For months I stagnated.

In the end it was protein and cycling that got me back. I was in a cycle of eating boiled eggs with soldiers 4times a day, everyday. Then a spot of gardening, then started the biking in the evening. Turned everything around that did. The eggs and the bike

I hope you find your "eggs and bike" j

 

[OkRad]

Hi Everyone,

I have been away from the forum for months now mainly due to experiencing a major depression. I am my wife's carer and also have two teenagers on the spectrum. About five months ago I had to leave my voluntary role with the Citizen's Advice Bureau here in the UK because my wife's disability became so unstable. Since then I have slipped into a black hole. My social skills, whilst never great, have deteriorated and I seem to be just drifting in life.

Five or more years ago I was studying with the Open University towards a BA and couldn't wait to get out of bed and learn something new. Two years into my degree and my wife's health went down hill and I had to stop studying and settle for a certificate. Since then our government has decimated funding for higher education.

I apologize if this is disconnected and rambling but I really feel as if my brain is decaying. Since I stopped study and volunteer work I have felt like I have wandered aimlessly through my day. Don't get me wrong, there's a mountain of things to get done but none of them bring me the joy that learning has done.

I have tried to fit other things in but they have ultimately turned out to be dead ends. I have tried various crafts, local history, creative writing even. In fact anything that I can do around my caring commitments. I tend to rush in and try to learn everything about them but, lacking any outside structure, my motivation tapers off and I sink back into depression.

I seem to be lost without an overarching goal. My energy for life seems to be draining away. I don't know how much of this is purely AS. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADHD or if it's simply the depression that's causing this pattern to recur.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any ideas for managing it? I realize that I have not expressed myself very clearly but I could write this post all over again and I don't think it would end up any clearer.

I take sam-e and cbd hemp
Oil, . I live depressed. I am afraid.

 

[spaceman]

I take sam-e and cbd hemp
Oil, . I live depressed. I am afraid.

I'm a weed head. It's my biggest relief.

 

[texkag]

Which can be a sign of depression.

Ok. What do you enjoy, if you had all the time in the word and an unlimited budget? Would you like to share?

I've asked myself some very similar questions. Lately I have turned to poetry as an outlet and have tried, more recently writing a short story but I have found it difficult constantly having to stop to do something and then come back to it. I find it very difficult to start something, to pick it up again. Once I'm dialled in then I can go at things for hours, but the constant stopping and starting stresses me out. Recently I have wondered if I have enough of an imagination for creative writing. When I started to write the short story, I had sketched out a rough outline and it was based on something that had happened to me, and so I had a clear plan but, one and a half paragraphs in, and I was stuck. It was like my brain shut down. Mind you, lately I don't seem to have the energy to complete anything of value. It's like my mind simply slows down, and then stops. As for what I enjoy, I honestly don't know anymore. I haven't found much joy in anything for a long time now. In the past I have had an insane passion for whatever gripped my interest and spent hours organising and cataloguing my activities. I once took up mosaics and created an extensive fact file on the subject over the course of a couple on months yet only made one actual mosaic. That passion seems to have left me. Maybe I am afraid of investing myself into something and then having to stop again or running out of steam. I suppose only time will tell.

 

[OkRad]

Yes I have been through this. I did a higher education coarse and after it ended, I took a job related to what I trained in, and ALL THE TURKEYS came home to roost. I didn't know I was aspie, but old fears, patterns and anxiety came to hit me. I got gas lighted out of the job and went on freefall. I thought afterwards I had a nervous breakdown, but now I know it was something else. I'm not saying you may have a meltdown I swear, but the lull I had afterwards and the void left by no study, plus rejection and guilt cause I left a job left me aimlessly sinking away. For months I stagnated.

In the end it was protein and cycling that got me back. I was in a cycle of eating boiled eggs with soldiers 4times a day, everyday. Then a spot of gardening, then started the biking in the evening. Turned everything around that did. The eggs and the bike

I hope you find your "eggs and bike" j

Homer and pull ups

 

[The Midge]

I've asked myself some very similar questions. Lately I have turned to poetry as an outlet and have tried, more recently writing a short story but I have found it difficult constantly having to stop to do something and then come back to it. I find it very difficult to start something, to pick it up again. Once I'm dialled in then I can go at things for hours, but the constant stopping and starting stresses me out. Recently I have wondered if I have enough of an imagination for creative writing. When I started to write the short story, I had sketched out a rough outline and it was based on something that had happened to me, and so I had a clear plan but, one and a half paragraphs in, and I was stuck. It was like my brain shut down. Mind you, lately I don't seem to have the energy to complete anything of value. It's like my mind simply slows down, and then stops. As for what I enjoy, I honestly don't know anymore. I haven't found much joy in anything for a long time now. In the past I have had an insane passion for whatever gripped my interest and spent hours organising and cataloguing my activities. I once took up mosaics and created an extensive fact file on the subject over the course of a couple on months yet only made one actual mosaic. That passion seems to have left me. Maybe I am afraid of investing myself into something and then having to stop again or running out of steam. I suppose only time will tell.

I know those feelings.

I was wondering if it would be worth considering starting an AC poetry slam? I fancied having a go at poetry. Yours wouldn't be the worst. I think I can do slightly better than Vogon Poetry. Do you want to give it a try?

 

[spaceman]

My first poem I remember it well. I was 8 in school. The class subject was barn owls.

At night Barn Owl hunts, catching mice
Down backs and fronts.
Barn owl swoops down very quickly
Tearing rats is very sickly.

Probably the only thing I ever did right...

 

[texkag]

Yes I have been through this. I did a higher education coarse and after it ended, I took a job related to what I trained in, and ALL THE TURKEYS came home to roost. I didn't know I was aspie, but old fears, patterns and anxiety came to hit me. I got gas lighted out of the job and went on freefall. I thought afterwards I had a nervous breakdown, but now I know it was something else. I'm not saying you may have a meltdown I swear, but the lull I had afterwards and the void left by no study, plus rejection and guilt cause I left a job left me aimlessly sinking away. For months I stagnated.

In the end it was protein and cycling that got me back. I was in a cycle of eating boiled eggs with soldiers 4times a day, everyday. Then a spot of gardening, then started the biking in the evening. Turned everything around that did. The eggs and the bike

I hope you find your "eggs and bike" j

Thanks. I have a bad infection at the minute which is making things worse but as soon as I am well enough I will force myself to get back to the gym and court some endorphins back into my life. I will begin the search for my 'eggs and bike' today.

I know those feelings.

I was wondering if it would be worth considering starting an AC poetry slam? I fancied having a go at poetry. Yours wouldn't be the worst. I think I can do slightly better than Vogon Poetry. Do you want to give it a try?

I had to look up what a Vogon was and now I can't get the image out of my mind - thanks Wikipedia! Yes, that's a great idea. How do you propose we should organise it?

 

[texkag]

My first poem I remember it well. I was 8 in school. The class subject was barn owls.

At night Barn Owl hunts, catching mice
Down backs and fronts.
Barn owl swoops down very quickly
Tearing rats is very sickly.

Probably the only thing I ever did right...

Good one. Would you be interested in taking part in an AC poetry slam as suggested by The Midge?

 

[The Midge]

I had to look up what a Vogon was and now I can't get the image out of my mind - thanks Wikipedia! Yes, that's a great idea. How do you propose we should organise it?

I'll have a think about it and PM you with an outline. Basically post a thread and ask everyone to take part. I'm thinking more on the line of the Wikipedia entry about 'slam poetry' being a voice of protest rather than an competition. In other words express the autism condition.

Slam poetry is a type of "political complaint" and protest that uses identity and other forms to protest oppression. Slam poets and audiences see slam poetry not only as literary or performative, but also as a political event. Critic Susan Somers-Willett argues that "poems that make an empowered declaration of marginalized identity and individuality are a staple of one's slam repertoire". Race, gender and sexuality are all factors that affect poets and the message of their work. Slam poets work is an embodiment of their identity and it breaks the homogeneity of traditional poetry structure. But a poet is not bound to a certain identity based on their culture, sexuality, or race, although many do use identity. Slam poetry's main goal is to express authenticity of identity to its audience. By this, poets will create a genuine and intimate connection with the audience through their identity based experience. Slam poetry ranges from comical poems to extremely serious work about racism, sexual identity, violence, and personal struggles with life; slam poetry is the outlet a lot of writers use to express themselves. Many poets write from an "I" stand point where in their poems they describe events that have happened to them personally whether it be a positive or negative experience. "Inhabiting the space where the "I" of the page translates quite seamlessly to the "I" of the stage, the author comes to embody declarations about personal experience in performance." example of authors using "I" would be Ragan Fox, who wrote To be Straight: "I want to be straight because sometimes being gay is just too difficult." Authors try to reach out to their audience by relating what they say in their poems to how the audience might have felt but never had the courage to say.
Poetry slam - Wikipedia​

 

[spaceman]

Well it's new concept to me... slam poetry and I'm doubting I'm going to like what that vogon image is.

But I'm fairly expressive and a home boy musician. (Well I play guitar and like singing)

I'm well up for writing poems.

 

[Streetwise]

Well it's new concept to me... slam poetry and I'm doubting I'm going to like what that vogon image is.

But I'm fairly expressive and a home boy musician. (Well I play guitar and like singing)

I'm well up for writing poems.

a vogon is a slightly slimmer version of shrek and not as tall and in the hitchikers guide to the galaxy listening to it recite poetry was so boring and depressing it would supposedly kill you