Almost married to - and a step parent of - undiagnosed aspies

[J3ss!ca]

Hi!

I am diagnosed ADHD in a relationship with a wonderful, high IQ (165) man whom I suspect is an aspie. He has a 50% custody of his beautiful 2.5 year old daughter and I believe she has Asperger's/ASD. They have very little interaction with the outside world and are undiagnosed. I am looking to better understand how to interact and communicate with them, along with advice on how to someday possibly bring the topic up.

A little more about me... I run my own business while attending a masters program. I'm also a professional artist and cowgirl.

Looking forward to getting to know you all and I welcome any tips or advice you might have!

Jessica

 

[Rayner]

Well I don't have any tips just yet for you. Although for what's it's worth I'm a cowboy in the PRCA. I ride bareback horses and saddle broncs mostly, sometimes I will compete in the team roping. Are you a professional cowgirl too?

Hi!

I am diagnosed ADHD in a relationship with a wonderful, high IQ (165) man whom I suspect is an aspie. He has a 50% custody of his beautiful 2.5 year old daughter and I believe she has Asperger's/ASD. They have very little interaction with the outside world and are undiagnosed. I am looking to better understand how to interact and communicate with them, along with advice on how to someday possibly bring the topic up.

A little more about me... I run my own business while attending a masters program. I'm also a professional artist and cowgirl.

Looking forward to getting to know you all and I welcome any tips or advice you might have!

Jessica

 

[J3ss!ca]

Nice to meet you! I have a few friends who are roughies and named my first horse after Chris Ledoux. I never rodeoed but worked for a number of cow horse, cutting, and rope horse trainers. I was a loper for years and rode colts for a living too but right now I'm working on getting my amateur status back so haven't been professional for a few years.

Well I don't have any tips just yet for you. Although for what's it's worth I'm a cowboy in the PRCA. I ride bareback horses and saddle broncs mostly, sometimes I will compete in the team roping. Are you a professional cowgirl too?

 

[Rayner]

Okay, I've ridden horse a good chunk of my life. I work for on a east texas cattle ranch, that's my day job. I am quite fond of chris ledoux, he is one of my favorites rodeo cowboys along with larry mahan and jim shoulders.



QUOTE="J3ss!ca, post: 478031, member: 19248"]Nice to meet you! I have a few friends who are roughies and named my first horse after Chris Ledoux. I never rodeoed but worked for a number of cow horse, cutting, and rope horse trainers. I was a loper for years and rode colts for a living too but right now I'm working on getting my amateur status back so haven't been professional for a few years.[/QUOTE]

 

[J3ss!ca]

Good deal! In my last job I worked to advocate for cattle ranchers & am still working on communicating the positive impact of large animal grazing on the environment. I've also done my share of day working.

Okay, I've ridden horse a good chunk of my life. I work for on a east texas cattle ranch, that's my day job. I am quite fond of chris ledoux, he is one of my favorites rodeo cowboys along with larry mahan and...

 

[Bolletje]

Haha, I love the turn this topic took. This forum is full of unexpected twists.
Welcome, Jessica, hope you find some wisdom here! I'm a females Aspie with zero parenting (or horseback riding) experience, so I won't be of much help to you, but there should be plenty of people around here who can share their thoughts

 

[Theta.G]

Welcome!

my 2 cents: don't force them to partake in the outside world but rather take an interest in their hobbies and connect that way. Nothing wrong with staying inside, Sounds like there is agoraphobia.

You say undiagnosed in the title but then that you suspect aspergers in your post. Then back again to undiagnosed. Do keep in mind that they may not be aspie. When you're on the outside looking in it could be any number of things. For example there is a sub-type of PTSD that closely resembles Asperger's. Some personality disorders also mimic it. If your husband has an I.Q of 165 he more than likely already has the answer you seek. As the person who knows themself the best, is themself.

Congratulations on the marriage by the way
bringing up something like this with him shouldn't be difficult is there a reason for the hesitancy like does he get angry and not want to talk about it? If not then you should be able to talk about it with him without worry. But don't go with Aspie out of the gate he may take offense to that if he isn't that. Maybe try and bring up your adhd in a convo then segway into "so do you have any psychological disorders?" <- but formulate with more tact and finesse of course lol

 

[Streetwise]

welcome

 

[J3ss!ca]

Thanks for the welcome Bolletje!

The unexpected connections made online are so much fun.

Haha, I love the turn this topic took. This forum is full of unexpected twists.
Welcome, Jessica, hope you find some wisdom here! I'm a females Aspie with zero parenting (or horseback riding) experience, so I won't be of much help to you, but there should be plenty of people around here who can share their thoughts

 

[J3ss!ca]

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm actually not married. He would like to be married ASAP but at the moment I don't want to plan a wedding until we can have an honest discussion about his daughter, resulting in her being seen by a professional -- mainly because I want to know how to influence her behavior in a positive constructive way. My close friends & family have expressed concern that something is wrong (even "retarded") but both her father and grandmother, who babysits several days a week, believe she is extremely advanced for her age when it's obvious to anyone who interacts with her that she's somewhat behind.

My man sees a lot of himself in his daughter and has become angry lately at the questions I've been asking like, "does she know her name?" (she doesn't respond to her name at all & has never spoken it) or "does she know how old she is?" (she repeats numbers but doesn't understand the concept). It's such a sore subject that I'm not sure whether to bring this up for her sake or let things alone. I'm pretty sure I'll become the enemy.

The only hobby they have is spending time with my animals. Being the only source of entertainment outside of tv, and dealing with his intense separation anxiety, is difficult -- especially since I'm in grad school, building a business, have a large extended family, and lots of critters to care for.

My moral dilemma is whether or not bring up the possibility of Asperger's when I see how much he suffers (& the suffering in store for his daughter if she doesn't get help). I certainly don't want to be the source of more suffering or add to the rejection he's come to expect. I talk about my ADHD all the time and how diagnosis saved my life so hopefully the stage is set.

Welcome!

my 2 cents: don't force them to partake in the outside world but rather take an interest in their hobbies and connect that way. Nothing wrong with staying inside, Sounds like there is agoraphobia.

You say undiagnosed in the title but then that you suspect aspergers in your post. Then back again to undiagnosed. Do keep in mind that they may not be aspie. When you're on the outside looking in it could be any number of things. For example there is a sub-type of PTSD that closely resembles Asperger's. Some personality disorders also mimic it. If your husband has an I.Q of 165 he more than likely already has the answer you seek. As the person who knows themself the best, is themself.

Congratulations on the marriage by the way
bringing up something like this with him shouldn't be difficult is there a reason for the hesitancy like does he get angry and not want to talk about it? If not then you should be able to talk about it with him without worry. But don't go with Aspie out of the gate he may take offense to that if he isn't that. Maybe try and bring up your adhd in a convo then segway into "so do you have any psychological disorders?" <- but formulate with more tact and finesse of course lol

 

[WereBear]

I think you are correct to be worried that the child is not getting proper intervention regarding coping with her neuro-status: whatever it is.

But this might not be something that face-to-face works for. Do you text or chat? Is there some other way of conveying this, like in an email? This can help him focus on what you are actually saying.

Is the girl's mother totally out of the picture?

It is because you care.

 

[J3ss!ca]

Thanks for your perspective. The girl's mother has 50% custody.

I have been wanting to have this conversation face - to - face for about a month but he struggles with listening comprehension at the best of times. Texting is a great idea.

I think you are correct to be worried that the child is not getting proper intervention regarding coping with her neuro-status: whatever it is.

But this might not be something that face-to-face works for. Do you text or chat? Is there some other way of conveying this, like in an email? This can help him focus on what you are actually saying.

Is the girl's mother totally out of the picture?

It is because you care.

 

[Theta.G]

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm actually not married. He would like to be married ASAP but at the moment I don't want to plan a wedding until we can have an honest discussion about his daughter, resulting in her being seen by a professional -- mainly because I want to know how to influence her behavior in a positive constructive way. My close friends & family have expressed concern that something is wrong (even "retarded") but both her father and grandmother, who babysits several days a week, believe she is extremely advanced for her age when it's obvious to anyone who interacts with her that she's somewhat behind.

My man sees a lot of himself in his daughter and has become angry lately at the questions I've been asking like, "does she know her name?" (she doesn't respond to her name at all & has never spoken it) or "does she know how old she is?" (she repeats numbers but doesn't understand the concept). It's such a sore subject that I'm not sure whether to bring this up for her sake or let things alone. I'm pretty sure I'll become the enemy.

The only hobby they have is spending time with my animals. Being the only source of entertainment outside of tv, and dealing with his intense separation anxiety, is difficult -- especially since I'm in grad school, building a business, have a large extended family, and lots of critters to care for.

My moral dilemma is whether or not bring up the possibility of Asperger's when I see how much he suffers (& the suffering in store for his daughter if she doesn't get help). I certainly don't want to be the source of more suffering or add to the rejection he's come to expect. I talk about my ADHD all the time and how diagnosis saved my life so hopefully the stage is set.

When seeing a professional / if seeing a professional with her in the future do note the difference between psychiatrist and psychologist. I know some people think there is no difference and then they tend to pawn their health off on an authority without digging... but the approaches are radically different. Y'all may want to start with a psycholo. In the mean time there are plenty of resources online to research and study on how to relate to his daughter... it might even be as simple as sitting down and watching tv with her when you have the time to do so. Then asking stuff like "So, who is your favorite?" You seem invested so i got faith that you'll find a suitable doctor.

Thanks for providing more details. This is just a random shot in the dark but did his previous wife leave because of aspie or autism traits in him and their daughter? Was it a bad break up? If so, that could traumatize some people and i think aspie's are more susceptible to PTSD. Similar scenarios could be bringing your husband back to that moment emotionally and psychologically. Based on what you posted in reply, i think there is a moderate chance. In which case bringing it up could be triggering him.

 

[Rayner]

I've got a question for you, Have you and your financee talked about the role you will play in raising your step daughter after when the two of you are married?

Hi!

I am diagnosed ADHD in a relationship with a wonderful, high IQ (165) man whom I suspect is an aspie. He has a 50% custody of his beautiful 2.5 year old daughter and I believe she has Asperger's/ASD. They have very little interaction with the outside world and are undiagnosed. I am looking to better understand how to interact and communicate with them, along with advice on how to someday possibly bring the topic up.

A little more about me... I run my own business while attending a masters program. I'm also a professional artist and cowgirl.

Looking forward to getting to know you all and I welcome any tips or advice you might have!

Jessica

 

[LucyPurrs]

I've got a question for you, Have you and your financee talked about the role you will play in raising your step daughter after when the two of you are married?

Great question and an important one.

 

[Rayner]

It's possible that for a child to be ahead of their peers in some areas but lag behind in others at the same time that is, that's relatively typical. Keep that in mind. Chances are that if her father's IQ is 165, she probably bright little girl.

Don't take this the wrong way with that caveat out of the way, if any of my close friends referred to or expressed that my my (step)child/ future (step)child is or as retarded I wouldn't take parenting advice from them for starters I also would probably wouldn't allow them to be around my child.

I don't think unreasonable to have a conversation about concerns that you have about his daughter, or unreasonable to having her seen by a professional. I personally think 2.5 years old is really too little to be diagnosed for autism. It's great that you want influence positive constructive her behavior, I would talk to her dad and grandmother about the things that cause you to want to have her tested and go from there.

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm actually not married. He would like to be married ASAP but at the moment I don't want to plan a wedding until we can have an honest discussion about his daughter, resulting in her being seen by a professional -- mainly because I want to know how to influence her behavior in a positive constructive way. My close friends & family have expressed concern that something is wrong (even "retarded") but both her father and grandmother, who babysits several days a week, believe she is extremely advanced for her age when it's obvious to anyone who interacts with her that she's somewhat behind.

My man sees a lot of himself in his daughter and has become angry lately at the questions I've been asking like, "does she know her name?" (she doesn't respond to her name at all & has never spoken it) or "does she know how old she is?" (she repeats numbers but doesn't understand the concept). It's such a sore subject that I'm not sure whether to bring this up for her sake or let things alone. I'm pretty sure I'll become the enemy.

The only hobby they have is spending time with my animals. Being the only source of entertainment outside of tv, and dealing with his intense separation anxiety, is difficult -- especially since I'm in grad school, building a business, have a large extended family, and lots of critters to care for.

My moral dilemma is whether or not bring up the possibility of Asperger's when I see how much he suffers (& the suffering in store for his daughter if she doesn't get help). I certainly don't want to be the source of more suffering or add to the rejection he's come to expect. I talk about my ADHD all the time and how diagnosis saved my life so hopefully the stage is set.

 

[J3ss!ca]

Thanks for the advise regarding choice of professionals. I will look into finding someone whose approach I like in addition to the online & library research I've been doing. As far as watching tv with her or asking her questions, I'm afraid that's out of the question. She's very sweet but a little wild child. The only time I can ask her questions is when she's restrained in her car seat. While she loves making statements and giving directions, she does not allow anyone into her play and runs away if you try to sit or play with her.

My fiancé has a very traumatic past from childhood to a number of bad relationships so the PTSD angle is ringing true. That said, I don't know his ex or why she cheated.

When seeing a professional / if seeing a professional with her in the future do note the difference between psychiatrist and psychologist. I know some people think there is no difference and then they tend to pawn their health off on an authority without digging... but the approaches are radically different. Y'all may want to start with a psycholo. In the mean time there are plenty of resources online to research and study on how to relate to his daughter... it might even be as simple as sitting down and watching tv with her when you have the time to do so. Then asking stuff like "So, who is your favorite?" You seem invested so i got faith that you'll find a suitable doctor.

Thanks for providing more details. This is just a random shot in the dark but did his previous wife leave because of aspie or autism traits in him and their daughter? Was it a bad break up? If so, that could traumatize some people and i think aspie's are more susceptible to PTSD. Similar scenarios could be bringing your husband back to that moment emotionally and psychologically. Based on what you posted in reply, i think there is a moderate chance. In which case bringing it up could be triggering him.

 

[J3ss!ca]

He says he wants me to be her mom and play a full parenting role in raising her. He does not want her in the public school system and we've even talked about my homeschooling her. Not sure what the ex would have to say about that!

I've got a question for you, Have you and your financee talked about the role you will play in raising your step daughter after when the two of you are married?

I know a number of children are slow to develop which is no indication of how gifted they will be in the future. That said, she shows no outward signs of giftedness at the moment. When around her soon-to-be second cousins, she seems closer in age to the 18-month-olds than the 3-year-olds. I believe she is very bright -- just young for her age. Which is what my mother, who has a knack for unintentionally offending people, meant when she said his daughter "seemed retarded". No one else I know would be that socially inept. Besides, maybe, my guy.

I did bring one of my concerns up tonight after I had tried unsuccessfully to get her attention for about 5 minutes. I was in her face, saying her name, touching her, and asking her to look at me. She didn't look at me once and could not be distracted from her toys. I asked him if he had always refused to make eye contact or if he stopped looking people in the eye later (for one of his many reasons for why he does things different) and expressed concern about his daughter's lack of eye contact or response to her name. He insisted that her behavior is not genetic but that he trained her not to look at people because he doesn't want anyone influencing her behavior. As I may be her future teacher this is not what I want to hear!

I then asked about whether he was concerned with her making friends & future problems with teachers. He believes she is fine with other children even though I already see her behavior causing some rejection with peers. He also says that her teachers will have to earn their keep and he doesn't want her to learn from them but rather have her own thoughts. So my Aspie suspicions may be totally off base.

I believe EQ, charm, and the ability to build rapport to be the biggest factors of success. But he sees making people dislike him as a good thing even though he's suffered greatly for it. I believe this is why my attempts to bring up her problem behavior with her with him and his mom have been unsuccessful. They take pride in her odd, disadvantageous, and even dangerous behavior!

It's possible that for a child to be ahead of their peers in some areas but lag behind in others at the same time that is, that's relatively typical. Keep that in mind. Chances are that if her father's IQ is 165, she probably bright little girl.

Don't take this the wrong way with that caveat out of the way, if any of my close friends referred to or expressed that my my (step)child/ future (step)child is or as retarded I wouldn't take parenting advice from them for starters I also would probably wouldn't allow them to be around my child.

I don't think unreasonable to have a conversation about concerns that you have about his daughter, or unreasonable to having her seen by a professional. I personally think 2.5 years old is really too little to be diagnosed for autism. It's great that you want influence positive constructive her behavior, I would talk to her dad and grandmother about the things that cause you to want to have her tested and go from there.

 

[WereBear]

But he sees making people dislike him as a good thing even though he's suffered greatly for it. I believe this is why my attempts to bring up her problem behavior with her with him and his mom have been unsuccessful. They take pride in her odd, disadvantageous, and even dangerous behavior!

I find this extremely troubling. We don't even need to bring possible Autism Spectrum issues into the mix; this attitude alone might have created a three year old who behaves in the way you describe.

You are being expected to undertake the care and socialization of this little girl, yet it sounds impossible to advance her skills while complying with their demands. You wouldn't be able to get truthful evaluations and advice from professionals, or apply your own knowledge, because they have already set bizarre and counterproductive limitations on what you can teach her.

It sounds to me that whatever this man's challenges, he is not viewing them clearly and only making excuses for not really addressing them. I am sure he has many fine qualities or you wouldn't be contemplating marriage, but this involves a child he wants you to be responsible for, and yet not be able to care for her in a way you think best.

The equation is known as "all of the responsibility, none of the power" and it is always doomed to frustration and failure.

 

[Rayner]

Well thank you for not taking offense to what I have told you, as in retrospect I could see that I may come across as harsh. For what it's worth I was kind of like step daughter(except I was a boy let me make that clear, I'm a man now) my parents say that I was young for my age and "busy baby" their words not mine. I could see how if your stepdaughter is going back and fourth between parents that could have a negative impact on her develpmentally What really concerns me about your step daughter is not responding to her name, because that seem to me that she is cognitively behind or has been trained to not respond to her name.

It seems to me that your partner's approach to raising his daughter is being warped by unresolved past trauma or PTSD.Is this possible?