regardless of what I do, I will always feel inferior
Perception is very different from reality
In my mind, I’m always short, fat and lazy when in reality it’s not the case, not even close
How do I shake the idea I’m never going to be good enough?
I grew up feeling inferior.
I disliked that I was bad at sport, a bit weird, different from the others, unpopular, wore glasses, miserable.
My Dad made fun of my glasses at 4yrs old, so I had a complex about them.
I was eccentric, unique, yet wanted to "fit in" with mediocrity.
Nothing wrong with glasses. I behaved like the only one who wore them, when loads of other kids at school did, even my bully.
I was highly sensitive, nurtured right, this can be an asset, intuitive, perceptive.
Instead I was over emotional, and missed things easily.
I bought my property, it's a flat with major structural defects.
I would have had it surveyed, however, I struggle to forgive myself for listening to my mother's bad advice not to get my first old house surveyed, that also had major structural defects.
I did not know that she wanted to keep me living with her, so she could take out her anger at my abusive Dad onto me.
I now have to try to rectify the problems with this flat, I did try and went down to seven stone in weight in the process, a few years before lockdown.
I became a recluse and was indoors years before lockdown, so lockdown did not make a difference to me.
It's only in the last few years I discovered a brilliant singing talent, artistic talent, and I like writing, but there is a part of me that says my flat is damaged beyond repair, and has knackered the other flats under it, and it's too late to sing and draw, even though we have a splendid unique arts centre here, where I have the best friends I have ever made.
I keep going back in time to 1991 and imagining I ignored my mothers advice not to get the house surveyed, as I wanted to get all properties surveyed, I think it's an evil act to advise a daughter not to get a house with structural defects surveyed.
I would have got this flat surveyed.
I sound like I am blaming her, I feel so full of regrets, they take my energy away, so I lack motivation, and find it really hard to get out of bed, even though I have wonderful friends and places to go, like my life is on hold.
I feel a failure because of it.
I also hate being scolded and worry about being scolded in future.
