Am I A Bully???

[Ken]

It’s all about perception. Everyone perceives everything a little different from the next person, but there is a huge difference between NT’s and autistics. I would not think that your mom and brother is actually out to get you, but I do believe that their perception of what you say and do, including your expressions and body language does not match your intent. I say this from personal experience – lots of personal experience. The important thing is communication, but communication is all about perception. What is important is that the person you wish to communicate with understands the real meaning of what you are saying. Between autistics and NT’s, that is not an easy task. We are “wired” differently. Misunderstanding is the norm. However, I have learned that I can’t blame them and that they are not out to get me. They just don’t understand me – and I don’t understand them. It is crystal clear to me, but totally misunderstood by them. They may think I am being a bully or a know-it-all, but that is not at all my meaning or intent. They think I am being negative whey I am really being totally positive. It has taken me a very long time to learn this. I still don’t understand it, but at least I am now aware of it. And, being aware of it has made my life and my family’s life much easier.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Touching someone back physically is a step up from loud noise. It makes sense that the loud noise affects you physically, but he isn't doing something physical to you. Ear buds is definitely a good solution since it sounds like that works. It sounds like he's doing this to you intentionally?

If that's so, yell at him and turn the device down or off and keep standing your ground without being the first one to touch him physically. If it's not being done intentionally, then you need to find other ways to manage the situation that do not involve any direct physical touches at all. One thing you can do is walk outside the house completely and continue to do this as much as you can.

There is housing for people on the spectrum and it can be hard to get, but it's worth looking into. Work on making yourself independent from your family. The sooner, the better.

That's what I've been doing so far as opposed to popping him. I mostly yell and turn his stuff down or make him turn it down. Mt mother tells me that if she's not home to warn him that I'll call her. That has been helping so far. But when talking to her, it's hard cause he has his noise up then, and if I so much ad tell him to turn it down while I'm talking to her, she starts getting defensive of him and acts like I'm bullying him when I'm only telling him to turn down his noise, so I can talk to her. She told me that we should go in another room, so he doesn't have to turn down his stuff. Outside the house is too noisy with all the rumbling vehicles and planes. Plus, it's dark most of the time when she gets home..

 

[paloftoon]

That's what I've been doing so far as opposed to popping him. I mostly yell and turn his stuff down or make him turn it down. Mt mother tells me that if she's not home to warn him that I'll call her. That has been helping so far. But when talking to her, it's hard cause he has his noise up then, and if I so much ad tell him to turn it down while I'm talking to her, she starts getting defensive of him and acts like I'm bullying him when I'm only telling him to turn down his noise, so I can talk to her. She told me that we should go in another room, so he doesn't have to turn down his stuff. Outside the house is too noisy with all the rumbling vehicles and planes. Plus, it's dark most of the time when she gets home..

I'd have to say, for the average person, rumbling planes and vehicles are usually not too loud. Your hearing is unusually acute probably.

It seems like you need to use the ear plugs constantly.

When you say "mostly" yell and not pop him, this should be "always" yell/ask and not popping him or any type of physicality at all.

You might want to get checked out by an ENT doctor to see if they might have options for you as well as consulting with someone specializing with spectrum disorders if that is within your realm of possibility. Otherwise, you should move out as soon as possible and start your own life in an environment that is not the one you live in now.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

I'd have to say, for the average person, rumbling planes and vehicles are usually not too loud. Your hearing is unusually acute probably.

It seems like you need to use the ear plugs constantly.

When you say "mostly" yell and not pop him, this should be "always" yell/ask and not popping him or any type of physicality at all.

You might want to get checked out by an ENT doctor to see if they might have options for you as well as consulting with someone specializing with spectrum disorders if that is within your realm of possibility. Otherwise, you should move out as soon as possible and start your own life in an environment that is not the one you live in now.

I've been tested by ENTs twice before my autism diagnosis, and both said my wars are perfectly fine. Also, moving out isn't an option. I could just stay in my room most of the time. Plus, he gets physical all the time when we're playing. I'll playfully talk about his breath, and he'll try to play fight. Though we enjoy playfighting. Now I DO have a reason to get phsyical if he gets right in my ear. That counts as physical, and he knows he's not allowed to be close to my ears. I'd pop him then if he's climbing on me and making noises cause he's gotten physical first. (He does try to grab my legs sometimes cause he plays to much, but I'm fine with playing.) The fact is, when he gets in my ears with noise, that's a reason to pop him then cause he knows better than that. Back to the hearing part, my autism diagnosis already told me why I have such sensitive hearing. I don't need anymore tests.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

I'd have to say, for the average person, rumbling planes and vehicles are usually not too loud. Your hearing is unusually acute probably.

It seems like you need to use the ear plugs constantly.

When you say "mostly" yell and not pop him, this should be "always" yell/ask and not popping him or any type of physicality at all.

You might want to get checked out by an ENT doctor to see if they might have options for you as well as consulting with someone specializing with spectrum disorders if that is within your realm of possibility. Otherwise, you should move out as soon as possible and start your own life in an environment that is not the one you live in now.

The point is.. She gets defensive of him when I just tell him to turn it down she I take my earbud out to talk to her. And she views me as a bully for even that.

 

[paloftoon]

I see. Thank you for explaining. You need to work on skills that will help you become independent enough to move out. In the mean time, you need to find ways to cope in your environment.

I would also recommend looking for programs that house people on the spectrum. They do exist and can be hard to find and get into, but nothing to lose.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

I see. Thank you for explaining. You need to work on skills that will help you become independent enough to move out. In the mean time, you need to find ways to cope in your environment.

I would also recommend looking for programs that house people on the spectrum. They do exist and can be hard to find and get into, but nothing to lose.

I don't know if there ate any in my state. Plus, I don't have accommodations except for at the college I'm at.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Another reason i don't plan to move is because I love staying around family. I just wish they'd understand.. Even if I move, I wouldn't really be happy because I'd I stay in a housing center, I'd be around a bunch of strangers who are probably loud, and I probably won't be able to continue attending college to get my vet career. Plus, I won't know the way to college from there. Don't get me wrong, they're not excuses. But these are things I have to consider if I planned on moving out.

 

[paloftoon]

I don't know if there ate any in my state. Plus, I don't have accommodations except for at the college I'm at.

You can look in another state then. It's less likely you could get into one not in your state, but all things considered for your situation, it's worth a look. It's good to start initiating trying to do some things for yourself too as much as possible.

 

[paloftoon]

Another reason i don't plan to move is because I love staying around family. I just wish they'd understand.. Even if I move, I wouldn't really be happy because I'd I stay in a housing center, I'd be around a bunch of strangers who are probably loud, and I probably won't be able to continue attending college to get my vet career. Plus, I won't know the way to college from there. Don't get me wrong, they're not excuses. But these are things I have to consider if I planned on moving out.

All possibly true. If you move to a different environment, there's a chance there won't be too many planes and automobiles outside all the time. If your hearing is normal rather than acute, then maybe your mind is affecting your hearing abilities.
I'd wait till you are finished with college to look for a housing center so that not finishing college is not a distraction from being in a new environment.

College is important. Can you stay on your own in/near college?
Will your parents be willing to help you to pay for a place for you to stay (if it's within their means)?

Being with strangers is scary, but it is healthy to try your best to cope with not living with your family too.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Do they actually know you have autism? Or know about sensory issues in autism people? Do you see a doctor/therapist/professional/etc that specializes in Autism? Can you get the doctor/etc to let your family know that it's a medical condition/illness (about the sensitivity to noise)?

If I don't know the extent of how painful noisy environment is for a person with sensitive hearing, I would also find him/her tedious.. It's a misunderstanding. Hope you guys can get along better...

If there's something you can change, maybe be kind to them? Like talking kindly even if it's painful.. Or giving them gifts or help them.. I dunno, maybe they'll hear your request more when you're kind. (But don't be the kind people who trampled by others though)

 

[Bronzelincolns]

is your family aware of your hearing sensitivity issues?

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

All possibly true. If you move to a different environment, there's a chance there won't be too many planes and automobiles outside all the time. If your hearing is normal rather than acute, then maybe your mind is affecting your hearing abilities.
I'd wait till you are finished with college to look for a housing center so that not finishing college is not a distraction from being in a new environment.

College is important. Can you stay on your own in/near college?
Will your parents be willing to help you to pay for a place for you to stay (if it's within their means)?

Being with strangers is scary, but it is healthy to try your best to cope with not living with your family too.

Living with my family is what comforts me. Also, my brother and I lice with a single mother. Mt father and her divorced when I was 7. But I can't stay in a dorn. I'm not ready to live on my own, yet, and I don't do well with roommates. Plus, I have to have a space for my guinea piggies' large cage. All I want is my family to understand me better and not view me as a bully or an annoyance cause of my sensory disorder.. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with being autistic. Neither do they, but the sensory disorder part IS a problem. I've had issues with odors and touch since birth, but the hearing came later when my ears opened upup. Even when I tried not wearing earplugs, I was just tortures more rather than having my hearing "adjust".

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Yes, my family's aware that I'm autistic and suspected it from when I was born. Ever since my diagnosis last year, we've been getting along better. The problem is with my mother always favoriting my little brother. What I've gotten into deep trouble for at his age, he gets a slap on the risk for. (Probably why he's still as hard-headed as he is). But I'm viewed as a bully when I tell him to turn something down and get mad when he refuses or he comes in with loud noises. The other members of my family don't view me as a bully towards my brother. In fact, they get annoyed with him being hardheaded, too. But as far as my mother, and the situation with noise, it's like I'm a bully just for wanting peace and quiet or at least a break from being tortured when I take an earbud out.

Recently, things are okay when II bring my mother to my room to take my earbud out and talk to her. So with that, I can talk to her without having to worry about his noise torturing me. Now if we keep doing that, things will be better as far as that.

 

[paloftoon]

Living with my family is what comforts me. Also, my brother and I lice with a single mother. Mt father and her divorced when I was 7. But I can't stay in a dorn. I'm not ready to live on my own, yet, and I don't do well with roommates. Plus, I have to have a space for my guinea piggies' large cage. All I want is my family to understand me better and not view me as a bully or an annoyance cause of my sensory disorder.. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with being autistic. Neither do they, but the sensory disorder part IS a problem. I've had issues with odors and touch since birth, but the hearing came later when my ears opened upup. Even when I tried not wearing earplugs, I was just tortures more rather than having my hearing "adjust".

Since you're able to live with family and go to college from there, that means living at or near college would not be far from your family. I understand not wanting to be around roommates. You could live on your own and try to learn to manage on your own. You could call on your family to help you out when you need to, say 3 times per week at most, and you cope on your own the rest of the time. This does mean cooking and cleaning on your own. It could also mean visiting your pets at home as taking care of them and yourself might be too much all at once.

It's probably not going to be you moving like this even if it is an option for you.
You didn't say it wasn't an option for you. So, I'm guessing it actually is an option for you! If this is the case, you can't really complain. Change is very difficult, but there's got to be some give on your part somewhere. We have to take some risks sometimes and deal with the new things that pop up. Sometimes, it's how we learn best.
The "perfect" setup is not going to exist. Gotta work with what you have.

Maybe there's an implication in your family dynamic that you are at an age where you should be trying to become more independent, and you are viewed as a bully because you are the older person and aren't able to manage in the situation you are in. When you live with someone else, you live by their rules even if it's not fair pretty much.


So, you have to find ways that you won't make the first physical move on anyone else (if someone yells at you, you can yell back at them in the same manner and that's it.) Keep looking for strategies on your own that are going to prevent you from getting irritated from this situation.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Since you're able to live with family and go to college from there, that means living at or near college would not be far from your family. I understand not wanting to be around roommates. You could live on your own and try to learn to manage on your own. You could call on your family to help you out when you need to, say 3 times per week at most, and you cope on your own the rest of the time. This does mean cooking and cleaning on your own. It could also mean visiting your pets at home as taking care of them and yourself might be too much all at once.

It's probably not going to be you moving like this even if it is an option for you.
You didn't say it wasn't an option for you. So, I'm guessing it actually is an option for you! If this is the case, you can't really complain. Change is very difficult, but there's got to be some give on your part somewhere. We have to take some risks sometimes and deal with the new things that pop up. Sometimes, it's how we learn best.
The "perfect" setup is not going to exist. Gotta work with what you have.


So, you have to find ways that you won't make the first physical move on anyone else (if someone yells at you, you can yell back at them in the same manner and that's it.) Keep looking for strategies on your own that are going to prevent you from getting irritated from this situation.

Actually, I usually don't make the first physical move on people. But my mother tells me that I should discipline him when he's misbehaving in public or getting an attitude as she puts me on charge of keeping an eye on him. The difference I don't get is that when it's about noise, I'm viewed as a bully, but when he actually needs to be popped because of getting an attitude or acting like a fool in public, then it's ok to her. But he's getting an attitude when it's about the noise, too. Most of the time, I'm usually just minding my own business. I just tell him to turn things down when it's hurting my ears or tell him to do his chores to help our around the househouse.

Moving isn't an option. I forgot to specify that.. I can't drive back and forth like that all the timetime. That wastes gas, and school's not that close. I have to drive across the expressway everyday. Plus, I can't get a job, yet, and my mother needs me to watch my brother and help out at home, my guinea pigs need to be let out about 1-2 hours a day as well as interacted with, and in still picking my brother up/bringing him home and keeping watch while my mother's at work. I have too much responsibilities here to move out. I don't want to move out. I just want my mother to not view me as a bully towards him. All I even "bother" him about is to turn the noise down or do his chores like he's supposed to. She tells me to make sure he does his chores and stuff. But when it's about noise, that's a problem to her. It's like I'm the only one in the family with eardrums.