Am I Abusive?

[KevinMao133]

As a human, I’m not going to front: we are all toxic in some ways, to some people

Some people are more toxic while others are less toxic. Some also mask better than others

For those who been on the site long enough, do you guys think I’m toxic or used to be toxic?

I figure since I’m still learning, I ought to be honest with myself. I’m not going to act like I’m perfect, nor do I want to be

Give me your honest opinion. Don’t worrying about offending me, I promise I’m open minded and accepting of different opinions

 

[Thinx]

What makes you think you may be abusive?

 

[KevinMao133]

What makes you think you may be abusive?

Well I’m ultra competitive, passionate, outspoken and don’t put up with nonsense

To some this may be a good trait, but to some it rubs them the wrong way

I got into a heated argument with another group member, an autistic group on meetup, the organizer as well as co organizer both came out and blamed me, essentially calling me toxic, unreasonable and controlling

The organizer said many things that were hurtful like the reason why I’m acting unreasonable is because I frequently go on weird online forums, I’m a sexist, I haven’t changed etc

I’m confused as to whether or not there are any validity to her arguments or they are simply noises

That’s why I ask, to better know myself

 

[Kayla55]

Thread 'Just Got Played By A Woman'

Jul 24, 2023

A girl kissed me on Saturday, she said she loved me, I did to. She also said we should keep in touch, I agreed

However she disappeared

I don’t know but people always play with my emotions

I have no lucky when it comes to meeting someone, probably never will

I don’t understand why people decide to play with others’ emotions, like do they not have self respect?

It’s frustrating, I hate it and I’m scared

• KevinMao133
• Replies: 26
• Forum: Love, Relationships and Dating

• 

Didn't you say you were married, at one stage discussing something about wife being harassed?

But you're a man, so perhaps less thoughtful in general. The topic to this thread was misleading, but I guess you explained it later on.

 

[Kayla55]

How many ASD support groups have you attended, and were there any that didn't have issues? Even if just group supported ABA
Not abusive, but people tend to eventually believe you need therapy.
You also raise the issue of dating western woman with statement, however it's not clear what issue was, or whether you do/don't. So maybe misconception but people believe you raising up issues when no one is asking or you haven't placed exact example of what you actually mean.....

Perhaps you just feel victimised, and you not explaining yourself clearly,

 

[Aspychata]

l think our black and white thinking can come across as toxic. We can be very set in our ways, and when others try to make sense of our remarks, and we refuse to explain ourself, and it can come off has very self- righteous. I have strict ideas about what l will and won't do in life. I don't date much, and l have been accused of being just about everything under the sun simply because of this.

 

[FilterFreq]

I’m confused as to whether or not there are any validity to her arguments or they are simply noises

For me, it's usually true if it's coming from a lot of people at different periods in time, not so much if it's just one person's opinion (unless I really trust that person).

People are going to say all sorts of things, but it's those repeating themes that sometimes speak the truth, in my experience. It's what we're able to hear over the noise that we can attempt to do something about, especially if we want to learn how to be kinder to others.

 

[Rodafina]

I’m confused as to whether or not there are any validity to her arguments or they are simply noises

It sounds like what you heard resonated with you in a way and this gives you a chance to be introspective and examine your own behavior. It doesn't matter so much if the other person is "right" or "wrong" in their assessment of you, but what sort of insight you can gain from your reaction to the comments.

You were accused of being "toxic, unreasonable and controlling," and had a negative reaction to hearing that. That shows that you do not want to be these things. So, you can use this information (of what you do and don't want to be like) to assess yourself and your behavior.

Maybe you will come to the conclusion that you are absolutely not these things and can move on confidently from this interaction. Or, you may realize that you can see some things about yourself that are worth working on.

Gaining insight into ways in which any of us can be unreasonable and controlling (and working to not be like that) can be a good thing and help us grow. Someone who chooses a course of growth and discovery and learning to treat others well will not be a toxic person.

 

[jsilver256]

I have no idea if you're toxic in real life. I don't think any of us have enough information.

l think our black and white thinking can come across as toxic. We can be very set in our ways, and when others try to make sense of our remarks, and we refuse to explain ourself, and it can off has very self- righteous. I have strict ideas about what l will and won't do in life. I don't date much, and l have been accused of being just about everything under the sun simply because of this.

This post has good advice. For instance, my son is in ABA. He loves ABA and looks forward to it. He has specific goals to achieve, and while some might view working on unhealthy behaviors as "suppressing the autism" - I view it as acquiring necessary life skills. The goals are very specific and done under parent supervision.

For instance, one of the behaviors we're working to correct "stop running or hiding when we're looking for him." That's a safety thing. I would not support any goals to stop benign autistic behavior, like hand flapping (which seems to be the most common critique of ABA).

I realize that not everyone's ABA experiences are the same, and I can acknowledge that you had a bad experience with ABA, but I as a parent would not support any therapy that is abusive, so it's jarring when seeing others say no true autistic advocate supports ABA.

Just an example.

 

[Mary Terry]

I have no idea if you're toxic in real life. I don't think any of us have enough information.



This post has good advice. For instance, my son is in ABA. He loves ABA and looks forward to it. He has specific goals to achieve, and while some might view working on unhealthy behaviors as "suppressing the autism" - I view it as acquiring necessary life skills. The goals are very specific and done under parent supervision.

For instance, one of the behaviors we're working to correct "stop running or hiding when we're looking for him." That's a safety thing. I would not support any goals to stop benign autistic behavior, like hand flapping (which seems to be the most common critique of ABA).

I realize that not everyone's ABA experiences are the same, and I can acknowledge that you had a bad experience with ABA, but I as a parent would not support any therapy that is abusive, so it's jarring when seeing others say no true autistic advocate supports ABA.

Just an example.

My autistic nephew loved ABA and benefitted from it. I agree with you that not everyone's experiences are the same, but it does help a lot of autistic children learn how to function in the real world and ultimately decreases their stress and anxiety.

 

[thejuice]

But you're a man, so perhaps less thoughtful in general.

Lol.

 

[Judge]

l think our black and white thinking can come across as toxic. We can be very set in our ways, and when others try to make sense of our remarks, and we refuse to explain ourself, and it can come off has very self- righteous. I have strict ideas about what l will and won't do in life. I don't date much, and l have been accused of being just about everything under the sun simply because of this.

The beauty of political science. That formal study of such a subject helped curb my natural inclination to think so rigidly in those "black and white" terms.

To learn just how many "grey areas" exist all around us relative to human behavior, autistic or not.

 

[AprilR]

I don't think so from your posts. Autistic people can come across as argumentative but this is not the same as abusive.

 

[Peter Morrison]

The word "toxic" is such a broad term and too commonly used to indicate that what someone does or says had a negative and damaging impact on someone else - like a bully. I'd love to know exactly what you said or wrote that caused someone to call you toxic. I'm known to be very direct, but I know that it is easy to strike at someone's sensitivities. Maybe try to see your words and sentiments from an outsider's view.

 

[thejuice]

The word "toxic" is such a broad term and too commonly used to indicate that what someone does or says had a negative and damaging impact on someone else - like a bully. I'd love to know exactly what you said or wrote that caused someone to call you toxic. I'm known to be very direct, but I know that it is easy to strike at someone's sensitivities. Maybe try to see your words and sentiments from an outsider's view.

Everything's 'toxic' nowadays, even being a man.

 

[thejuice]

Hey I've come up with a new one, 'toxic sensitivity'

 

[Kayla55]

Maybe cover your meditation, so whilst you practice silence.....restraint and watch others over phone screen while you listen to lullabye,
That way you can be brilliant like motzart without more toxic commented
Something just came up, I have to go be busy for a while

 

[Kayla55]

I now realise no matter how much we realise we hate our boss, he's still paycheck. (Gosh, life feelings)

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

If you think you are an abusive person, perhaps you are.

Perhaps there are things in your personal life that we do not know about, and you are using this thread to reassure yourself or a spouse that you aren't abusive. Perhaps you are controlling and manipulative. But it makes you feel good to think: "See, the folks online say I'm not abusive."

I know that in my third person view, your behavior on here has been occasionally hostile. You may indeed be an abusive person.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I remember in the past the word assertive and aggressive were used interchangeably.