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Am I losing her

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Fitzo said:
Whilst I agree with @LucyPurrs that putting your thoughts in writing may be easier for you, I am a little concerned that it may also potentially push her further away. If I had a male friend who declared himself in writing to me, I would feel cornered unless it was what I was hoping for. If I wanted to keep the friendship but didn't (or couldn't for reasons of my own) feel I wanted it to become a romance I would distance myself further.
If I was hoping for a romance, I would definitely be encouraged by a Valentine's invitation, and see that as the perfect opportunity to deepen the relationship. The fact that she responded with a curt 'no thanks' doesn't bode well IMO.
Sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear!
If you want to keep the friendship and are prepared to accept it may never be more, I would be giving her a little space right now.
Hope it works out well whatever you decide. :rose:
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I know, but I don't want to know...
 
Perhaps her romantic orientation is such that she feels uncomfortable with arrangements like Valentine's and due to heteronormativity, which exerts pressure on and makes demands of romantic feelings as much as sexual ones, she feels weird and insecure about herself and doesn't know what to do about it.
 
Ylva said:
Perhaps her romantic orientation is such that she feels uncomfortable with arrangements like Valentine's and due to heteronormativity, which exerts pressure on and makes demands of romantic feelings as much as sexual ones, she feels weird and insecure about herself and doesn't know what to do about it.
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I had thought of that as well... I've thought of virtually everything... :rolleyes:
 
Sherlock77 said:
I had thought of that as well... I've thought of virtually everything... :rolleyes:
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They always said Sherlock used impeccable deductive reasoning:) Sorry, to go on a rant, I remember reading that Sherlock only said the classic "my Dear Watson" two or three times in a huge selection of stories. Good line, but is worth wondering why they thought that one so important...
 
I also have Asperger's, and one thing I've learned is that the way we present things give off different meanings to neurotypicals. In regards to Valentine's Day, you ask if she felt like you should do something. If you sounded unsure (which we do sound unsure A LOT), it could seem to her like after one year you are still unsure about the relationship. Looking up romantic restaurants, booking a reservation, and telling her you booked a reservation for Valentine's Day, followed by asking "Is that OK?" still allows you to question, because you are uncertain while also showing that you truly do care and want to take her out.

I think your best option is to reach out to her, tell her how you feel, and ask her. You're going to be uncomfortable in either case, but in one case you will be beating yourself up for days or weeks and in another case you will be uncomfortable for a few minutes of having to ask. You need an answer to put your mind at ease.
 
She sees you as a friend and doesn't want any more. Very clear signals- relationship not progressing and chilled response as you try to make it romantic.
 
Sherlock77 said:
I had thought of that as well... I've thought of virtually everything... :rolleyes:
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But what have you done about it?

Joel's Hear said:
They always said Sherlock used impeccable deductive reasoning:) Sorry, to go on a rant, I remember reading that Sherlock only said the classic "my Dear Watson" two or three times in a huge selection of stories. Good line, but is worth wondering why they thought that one so important...
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It's because of the homoerotic subtext. It matters to a lot of fans.
 
Allymcb said:
She sees you as a friend and doesn't want any more. Very clear signals- relationship not progressing and chilled response as you try to make it romantic.
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I second this post.

Now, I am no authority on what it takes to make a great relationship. However I feel I am thoroughly experienced in what DOESN'T work. ;)

You are friend zoned. This is a decaying situation that will fade to nothing if left on the current course. You said you are not in a relationship, but you have never had it so good. That is something probably only an Aspie would understand, with our relatively limited need for relationships/contact... etc.

That is not something that will be able to stand though. It sounds like you obviously don't want to loose her. This will require some kind of initive to win her over and pull yourself out of the friend zone. It will be difficult, and will make yourself vulnerable, it might hurt, and probably place you well outside your element. No guts, no glory! What kind of action would this be??? Hell if I know. I'm educated in what doesn't work and gauge the other side of that coin with educated speculation.

Alternatively you could let things slide along their present course fading into darkness.

Recently I told a lady that "I already have enough friends." That ripped the band-aid off nice and quick.
 
A week late to the party and I'm not exactly sure what to add. I hope this issue's been resolved, somehow, but if it's ongoing, I can relate.

I've been in a somewhat tentative relationship with an other Aspie for nearly six years, and even this far in it's rife with mixed signals and miscommunications. And by tentative, I don't mean there's no love there. That's been established. I'm just often unsure of what kind of love it is, or if there are goals of any kind (he moved away for a job, suddenly, over a year ago and is far too busy to have much time for me...) and I often feel as though I'm walking in quicksand, emotionally. (Not that I've had many relationships that don't feel that way.... so that's on me and my own limitations, too.)

One thing I haven't seen, in reading through this thread (although it's possible you've discussed this in another thread) is the possibility that she's not bipolar at all, but also Aspie, as women on the spectrum are far more likely to carry that diagnosis than the correct one.

In this case perhaps you're both expecting the other to provide all the green lights, and warmth, and make everything safe and clear.
 
Echo said:
...

One thing I haven't seen, in reading through this thread (although it's possible you've discussed this in another thread) is the possibility that she's not bipolar at all, but also Aspie, as women on the spectrum are far more likely to carry that diagnosis than the correct one.

In this case perhaps you're both expecting the other to provide all the green lights, and warmth, and make everything safe and clear.
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I've never heard of that before, she was diagnosed as bi-polar over 20 years years ago, she is now in her early 40's... In one conversation awhile back she thought she might have some Asperger's traits... Anyway, we're going to some "celtic" night tonight, whatever that might mean...
 
Sherlock77 said:
I've never heard of that before, she was diagnosed as bi-polar over 20 years years ago, she is now in her early 40's... In one conversation awhile back she thought she might have some Asperger's traits... Anyway, we're going to some "celtic" night tonight, whatever that might mean...
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Have fun tonight! I can get you some info on the bipolar/misdiagnoses in women stats if you're interested. Or have her take one of the online tests.
 
I've been close to losing my husband and my job more times than I can count. Being in our 40s is a good thing because we can finally see it coming. Those alarm bells, when you reach to hold a hand and it gets withdrawn, when a tentative excuse is given. I pick up on this now.

So I've tried to fight it, talking, asking why, but that always makes it worst. I've found the best remedy is to accept that it is happening (again) and be better. Don't be needy and say things like "why don't you like me", "what changed", be the person they liked in the first place. Be confident. Be sensitive to their needs. Be the person they liked in the first place and win them over again. I mean it worked the last time...
 
I did find out last night through conversation, that there is a health issue she has been dealing with in recent months, one that probably affects her focus at times... The first time that she told me about it...

And last night was a good night out, dancing to Irish music, she did anyway, I can't dance! I know the movement and dance was good for her, from what she told me... Plus we've been dealing with extended winter this year in western Canada, and it has been getting to lots of people...
 
Sherlock77 said:
I did find out last night through conversation, that there is a health issue she has been dealing with in recent months, one that probably affects her focus at times... The first time that she told me about it...
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Sorry to hear. I must be quite serious to warrant her distancing herself from you in this regard.

But we all process such things differently. In such circumstances I suppose all you can do is what you've already done. To show you care and are still there for her.
 
Sherlock77 said:
Some may recall previous posts, for about a year now I've been casually dating a lady, I say casually because we've never officially said we're dating, but do lots of things together... ..
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Of course, you are losing her. Your communications must be way better than your current ghosting around the subject. Do you both want to be together or not? Work it out or be rejected and move on together or alone.
 
I feel like you may just need to confront her about the way she is acting. Ask why she is being the way she is being. Be upfront. Say "I don't know why you've been shooting down all my offers to hang out".

You may find out she just doesn't like you very much anymore, which is sad. But, you don't know until you ask. :)
 
This is a 10 month old topic now... The premise of the original post has come and gone and dealt with... Thanks anyway for the input
 
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