Am I the bad guy here?

[mysterionz]

I am 19 for context and I live with my dad. AITA for wanting my dad to turn down the volume of his TV whenever I’m in the living room, usually playing on my Nintendo switch or watching my tv at a normal volume.

My dad has done other things like tuck in my shirt into my work pants because it wasn’t “secured”. I told management about this and my mom got upset because she thought I implied my dad was a pedo. He only ever touches my neck to secure my apron back into place.

He whistles all the time in the car and won’t stop despite me telling him it makes me uncomfortable. He knows I have autism/sensory issues but doesn’t do anything about it. I usually take showers early in the day so I don’t have to hear the tv when I’m out and play on my switch when he’s working. I can hear him doing work related tasks from my room because he has the phone on speakerphone and talks loudly. AITA for asking my dad to turn down the office tv whenever I want privacy?

 

[The Pandector]

Nah, YNTA here. It sounds to me like your dad’s being a jerk, but I don’t know him or what he’s dealing with. I’m sad and a little bugged that you have to live with that. But your post sounds like what you want is to hear someone else say it.

If he really does that all the time, he has issues. A man that won’t quit whistling when someone else is stuck in a car with him has problems that haven’t been dealt with. I’m certainly not recommending that you get involved in his healing, but hope you can see that he’s in some kind of pain and needs help.

For your part, what is left for you is to make the best of it without trying to change him. Get some noise canceling headphones or something like that. He has his space; build your own. Strength to you.

 

[AspieChris]

Autism is very often an inherited condition. It’s very likely that your dad has it too. You’re not the bad guy, but those things he does (like whistling in the car) might actually be something he does to soothe himself but he doesn’t realize it.

Any chance you can get him to take an online Autism test? Just tell him you read online that it’s extremely common for it to be passed from father to son.

What about ear buds playing some soft music at a low enough volume to allow you to hear when he wants to talk to you. Even only wearing one of them might help. Years ago, before bluetooth and iPhones (yes I’m that old), I tried putting in only one earplug at family functions, when I KNEW the noise would drive me insane. It worked pretty well.

 

[mysterionz]

Any chance you can get him to take an online Autism test? Just tell him you read online that it’s extremely common for it to be passed from father to son.

I’m his daughter and I doubt he’s autistic

 

[Mr. Stevens]

That is really tough, mysterionz. Sorry you have to deal with that. I agree, you're not wrong. It sounds like he's being insensitive and you both just have different needs/ways of being.

Do you have any plans/hopes for moving out in the future?

 

[AspieChris]

I’m his daughter and I doubt he’s autistic

My apologies. I thought you mentioned that you were his son. I should have verified that. I meant no offense.

I’m not doubting your assessment of your father not being on the spectrum, but the truth about Autism in our society has gone like this:

My father was most likely Autistic. Engineer, didn’t understand women, barely talked to his children, etc. But let’s assume he was…..

Born in 1943. He would have been a teenager in the 1950’s. All of the stuff that clutters your head today and makes you insane wasn’t there. Cellphones, led lights, instagram, computers, Bluetooth, the internet. He had a pencil and paper, and cars had an A.M. radio if you we’re lucky (some cars had nothing) . There were 3 television stations (no Netflix). It was easier to mask and get good at hiding his Autism. Meltdowns we’re called ‘tantrums’. It was simply easier for a young man to not get overwhelmed with sensory input because there was almost none. And he had decades to perfect his tricks to hide his ‘differences’.

I’m 50. NOBODY knows I’m Autistic unless I tell them. I hide my symptoms so well that people assume I’m lying or wrong. I self-diagnosed at 35 years old. And it is a commonly inherited trait.

I mean no disrespect. Obviously I don’t know you or your family. I only meant to say that if you can understand the reason he seems determined to continue doing those things you hate, maybe you can help him…. and yourself in the process.

 

[AspieChris]

And my son is 15. My only child. He’s even more on the spectrum than I am. I believe the difference is basically because I had no internet or cell phones growing up and the only pornography available was a Playboy magazine. If I wanted to communicate with someone, I had the Post Office or a very expensive phone call. It was a much different life.

 

[Rodafina]

@mysterionz
It seems perfectly reasonable for you to communicate your needs to your father and hope that he can understand and respect them. You are not a child anymore who must abide by the House Rules as set forth by a parental figure. You are more like roommates, in a way, where you are well within your right to make requests and suggestions for how the household operates.

Of course, your father may not be used to this, so it may take an adjustment period. But, as we grow older, we can redefine our relationships with our parents, becoming their “adult children” instead of just their child.

If these things are grating on you, they can lead to eternal annoyance and even resentment, so it’s worth trying to make requests for things that would better suit your needs.

I’m with you. I would have to make the same requests. My loud fan and my noise cancelling headphones have improved my relationships around the house. I need a spot where I can drown out the noise all around. Otherwise, chaotic brain goes wild.

 

[Aspychata]

He is what l term as a loud one. Noise follows him everywhere. You have to wear earplugs all the time, just cut off the cords. It sucks. I love quietness. You will have to live with stuff in your ears permanently as long as you live in that house. Virtual very quiet soft hug for you.

 

[Bolletje]

NTA. I lived with a loud person like that (long time partner) and I started just wearing my headphones around the house most of the time. It’s not ideal, but it gave me some peace.
As a bonus, my partner got offended by me wearing them around the house all the time because he felt it seemed kind of rude. When I explained it was because of all the noise the realization finally started to sink in with him, how much all his noise bothered me. It made him put in some more effort to keep it down.

 

[Judge]

For some parents, I suspect they aren't likely to ever change their position in terms of a recognition of possession over any ethical considerations. In other words for him there may be only his house, and his rules. Whether he's perceived as the "bad guy"- or not. And as his child, that you are forced to act accordingly, as long as you remain under his roof.

Where if so, the objective eventually becomes how to achieve sufficient independence to live under your roof and not his. You can always try to appeal to the situation ethically. I don't think you have anything to lose. Just don't be too surprised if he ignores ethical considerations and defaults to possession that in his mind gives him a perceived right to be inconsiderate.

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks for explaining this @Judge
You dad feels no obligation in changing his life long habits to accommodate you. It's just the way it is. He is unable to understand how loud noise is an intrusion of your senses. He doesn't do it on purpose, he just can't see or understand your perspective that you are extremely sensitive to loud jarring noises. So if you can understand it, and not get angry you are ahead of the learning curve. Sometimes l love sitting in darkness, with no noise.

 

[Judge]

Thanks for explaining this @Judge
You dad feels no obligation in changing his life long habits to accommodate you. It's just the way it is. He is unable to understand how loud noise is an intrusion of your senses. He doesn't do it on purpose, he just can't see or understand your perspective that you are extremely sensitive to loud jarring noises. So if you can understand it, and not get angry you are ahead of the learning curve. Sometimes l love sitting in darkness, with no noise.

My worst sensory issue remained cigarette smoke. With living with my own parents, it literally took me years to finally persuade my mother to smoke outside.

Of course it took a bit longer for society and coworkers to accommodate me only through the use of laws and fines. Until then they felt I was intruding on their right to make me miserable, almost to the point of suicide.

So I indeed understand how unfortunate- even torturous such living circumstances can be.

 

[The Pandector]

@mysterionz
It seems perfectly reasonable for you to communicate your needs to your father and hope that he can understand and respect them. You are not a child anymore who must abide by the House Rules as set forth by a parental figure. You are more like roommates, in a way, where you are well within your right to make requests and suggestions for how the household operates.

Of course, your father may not be used to this, so it may take an adjustment period. But, as we grow older, we can redefine our relationships with our parents, becoming their “adult children” instead of just their child.

If these things are grating on you, they can lead to eternal annoyance and even resentment, so it’s worth trying to make requests for things that would better suit your needs.

I’m with you. I would have to make the same requests. My loud fan and my noise cancelling headphones have improved my relationships around the house. I need a spot where I can drown out the noise all around. Otherwise, chaotic brain goes wild.

I agree with what you say, but have to point out your assumptions.

@mysterionz lives in her father’s house. You made the statement that her age exempts her from living according to house rules and grants her the rights and status of a roommate, that dad might need time to adjust.

I can’t agree. If a child lives at home until 40, it is still dad’s house and he doesn’t have to get used to anything he doesn’t want to get used to. That’s why it’s still called dad’s house. As long as his rules and decisions don’t violate laws, she doesn’t have any ‘rights’ to make requests or expect any changes unless her father grants those rights. He doesn’t have to adjust to anything he doesn’t feel like adjusting to.

That’s why @mysterionz’ life is like it is. I like what you said, except it assumes there is some law out there that will back up the adult child’s ‘right to participate in rule making’ and I’m not aware of any laws like that in any jurisdiction. So, I would counsel the young lady to remember that she lives in her father’s house, under his roof and rule.

Now, if we’re talking about what a reasonable father could be expected to do, that’s another story. I don’t want to speak disrespectfully of the man, but keep in mind he won’t stop whistling in a vehicle when asked. His vehicle, right? So I think @mysterionz has to keep in mind the reality that her dad is in charge.

Under his roof, that is.

 

[The Pandector]

For some parents, I suspect they aren't likely to ever change their position in terms of a recognition of possession over any ethical considerations. In other words for him there may be only his house, and his rules. Whether he's perceived as the "bad guy"- or not. And as his child, that you are forced to act accordingly, as long as you remain under his roof.

Where if so, the objective eventually becomes how to achieve sufficient independence to live under your roof and not his. You can always try to appeal to the situation ethically. I don't think you have anything to lose. Just don't be too surprised if he ignores ethical considerations and defaults to possession that in his mind gives him a perceived right to be inconsiderate.

I wouldn’t have posted my comments if yours had been showing when I started writing. We are on exactly the same page.

 

[Aspychata]

My post says this also. Nobody is obligated to house your offspring and change your lifestyle.

 

[Progster]

AITA = Am I the a-hole
YNTA = You're not the a-hole
NTA - Not the a-hole.

I would wear headphones with music or noise cancelling, or use earplugs. I know what it's like. I used to live with someone who had the TV on really loud, or watched YouTube videos on his phone with the volume turned right up, which was actually worse than the TV. No matter how often I asked him to turn the volume down, 10 minutes later it was up again. He just didn't get it, or didn't respect it. The only solution was to shut my door and listen to music or wear headphones or earplugs. Unless they have the same problem themselves, people usually don't understand.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Autism is very often an inherited condition. It’s very likely that your dad has it too. You’re not the bad guy, but those things he does (like whistling in the car) might actually be something he does to soothe himself but he doesn’t realize it.

Lmao when you say this, my Dad does that a lot as a nervous/bored habit and also because he's a musician :3

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

My worst sensory issue remained cigarette smoke. With living with my own parents, it literally took me years to finally persuade my mother to smoke outside.

Aww I can relate to that :,) I don't like being around smoke but luckily I just go off and do my own thing when my family does things I don't like/agree with

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Don't worry, mysterionz. I can relate to you on this one. As said above, sometimes my family does or says things I don't like so I try to ignore it. I put on headphones or do something else to deal with it, or I just fantasize ^^