Am I the bad guy here?

[Au Naturel]

Sounds like there is a control issue going on where he needs to be in control of everything without compromise. A lot of older men get that way. They don't want to be "told what to do" by the kid. Avoidance may be the best solution for now.

 

[Rodafina]

I agree with what you say, but have to point out your assumptions.

@mysterionz lives in her father’s house. You made the statement that her age exempts her from living according to house rules and grants her the rights and status of a roommate, that dad might need time to adjust.

I can’t agree. If a child lives at home until 40, it is still dad’s house and he doesn’t have to get used to anything he doesn’t want to get used to. That’s why it’s still called dad’s house. As long as his rules and decisions don’t violate laws, she doesn’t have any ‘rights’ to make requests or expect any changes unless her father grants those rights. He doesn’t have to adjust to anything he doesn’t feel like adjusting to.

That’s why @mysterionz’ life is like it is. I like what you said, except it assumes there is some law out there that will back up the adult child’s ‘right to participate in rule making’ and I’m not aware of any laws like that in any jurisdiction. So, I would counsel the young lady to remember that she lives in her father’s house, under his roof and rule.

Now, if we’re talking about what a reasonable father could be expected to do, that’s another story. I don’t want to speak disrespectfully of the man, but keep in mind he won’t stop whistling in a vehicle when asked. His vehicle, right? So I think @mysterionz has to keep in mind the reality that her dad is in charge.

Under his roof, that is.

I suggested that @mysterionz feel free to make requests and suggestions. No assumptions for change were made.

My advice reflects my personal experience with growing old, living with my own parents. An open line of communication is helpful and people can sometimes understand if you take the time to explain.

We can allow parents of adult children the chance to adapt to a new type of relationship. @mysterionz has emerged from childhood and this is her chance to attempt having more agency in the relationship. Her father’s reaction can determine her solutions to her frustration.

 

[AspieChris]

I agree with what you say, but have to point out your assumptions.

@mysterionz lives in her father’s house. You made the statement that her age exempts her from living according to house rules and grants her the rights and status of a roommate, that dad might need time to adjust.

I can’t agree. If a child lives at home until 40, it is still dad’s house and he doesn’t have to get used to anything he doesn’t want to get used to. That’s why it’s still called dad’s house. As long as his rules and decisions don’t violate laws, she doesn’t have any ‘rights’ to make requests or expect any changes unless her father grants those rights. He doesn’t have to adjust to anything he doesn’t feel like adjusting to.

That’s why @mysterionz’ life is like it is. I like what you said, except it assumes there is some law out there that will back up the adult child’s ‘right to participate in rule making’ and I’m not aware of any laws like that in any jurisdiction. So, I would counsel the young lady to remember that she lives in her father’s house, under his roof and rule.

Now, if we’re talking about what a reasonable father could be expected to do, that’s another story. I don’t want to speak disrespectfully of the man, but keep in mind he won’t stop whistling in a vehicle when asked. His vehicle, right? So I think @mysterionz has to keep in mind the reality that her dad is in charge.

Under his roof, that is.

I couldn’t agree more. I believe that a parent has a moral obligation to provide a home for their child that is safe and reasonably comfortable, even if that home is a cardboard box. But there is definitely a point when that child becomes an adult. Society says 19 years old is definitely not a child (even though I’m 50 and still growing up).

So what we’re kind of talking about here is two adults who live together, and the person who pays the rent has some annoying habits. Mysterionz has a big decision to make. Try to communicate to her dad and find a middle ground, or start planning to live elsewhere. Assuming she can’t afford to move out…. I guess she needs to find a polite way to make him listen.

I know from personal experience that trying to ignore those annoying habits is like ignoring a tornado warning. Pretty soon the tornado comes and everything gets destroyed.

 

[AspieChris]

My worst sensory issue remained cigarette smoke. With living with my own parents, it literally took me years to finally persuade my mother to smoke outside.

Not to get off topic, but I hated being around smokers. Even when they weren’t smoking. The smell was like nails on a chalkboard. And it was the worst when I was eating.

 

[The Pandector]

Sorry, @Rodafina. No offense intended. I am a super-literal person. It has caused me problems throughout my life.

When I see something like...

You are not a child anymore who must abide by the House Rules as set forth by a parental figure. You are more like roommates, in a way, where you are well within your right to make requests and suggestions for how the household operates.

... what I read is that her age exempts her from abiding by house rules and grants rights akin to a roommate. Can't help it, it's just what I see. But, yes, you didn't assume her dad's compliance.

It isn't worth dispute, except it would be potentially volatile if it turned out that @mysterionz is as literal as I and took it that she was not liable to the rules of the house by virtue of her age. Those kinds of thoughts concern me, possibly another manifestation of my weirdness.

But like I said, we have the same take on the situation. Of course, she has the right to make requests and suggestions. A reasonable person would listen carefully to the young adult. Although, I do wonder if that approach hasn't already proven to be counterproductive in this case.

True story. Just had a woodpecker gnaw it's way into the wall right above my desk. Landlord's maintenance guy came out and looked, did nothing, and the pounding continued. Ever try to dissuade a woodpecker? I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and can't hear a thing. Yes, they were expensive and even their extremely comfortable fit can fatigue the ears over time. Vastly superior to the alternative. Maintenance guy is coming today to meet the already resident bird. Who cares?

 

[AspieChris]

True story. Just had a woodpecker gnaw it's way into the wall right above my desk. Landlord's maintenance guy came out and looked, did nothing, and the pounding continued. Ever try to dissuade a woodpecker? I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and can't hear a thing. Yes, they were expensive and even their extremely comfortable fit can fatigue the ears over time. Vastly superior to the alternative. Maintenance guy is coming today to meet the already resident bird. Who cares?

Spray the wall with something stinky, like vinegar (or gasoline). The bird will hate it and never return

 

[The Pandector]

I believe that a parent has a moral obligation to provide a home for their child that is safe and reasonably comfortable, even if that home is a cardboard box. But there is definitely a point when that child becomes an adult. Society says 19 years old is definitely not a child

Couldn't agree more. I started breaking my children into adulthood long before that. Sadly, it's as you say, a moral obligation and not a legal one, so societal norms are having no impact. The heartbreak of this whole scenario is just that, right? The moral imperative is being ignored. @mysterionz needs a new strategy. I recommend scraping up enough for noise-cancelling headphones as a stop-gap until she can escape her father's rule. It could take years, but is a realistic plan.

 

[The Pandector]

Spray the wall with something stinky, like vinegar (or gasoline). The bird will hate it and never return

Not ready for gasoline, but I tried dousing the whole area with vinegar, twice! It works to keep the local cat off my favorite deck chair, but this bird is determined. Actually, I would be fine with it living there, but the construction noise is crazy and it removed lots of insulation, which I'll be wanting come winter. It has an entire complex in there, I think.

 

[Aspychata]

Gasoline should never be sprayed on a wall. It's highly flammable.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Though it's not clear from this thread, mysterionz does pay rent. I'd say that entitles her to some say in what happens in the house. Otherwise it does make her parents look bad in regard to using her benefits without accommodating her or helping her find a better living situation.

 

[AspieChris]

I know plenty of adults who’s parents don’t respect as such. My wife is dealing with a similar situation. Her parents still try to treat her like a ignorant child and control her life, even though she’s 50 and has grandchildren.

I desperately try to remember that I was that age once, and I was entitled to some respect as an adult so that I don’t allow myself to keep my child a child. I hated that when I was growing up and I don’t want my child to hate me for doing it in the same way I hated my parents for doing it to me. But I believe I’m more of an exception than the rule.

It’s very difficult to make the transition from “my house, my rules” to respecting them as adults. Even harder when the child still lives with the parents.

 

[AspieChris]

So I usually bring crocheting

I have been crocheting since I was a child. People are blown away at an old man with a ball of yard and a knitting needle. It’s actually a great conversation starter that doubles as a way to help me ‘tune out the noise’. I have made all manner of things from a coffee cup warmer to a king-sized bed comforter. It gives me something to focus on when the world is noisy or confusing.

And when it has been a large project, like the comforter, it gives me something to think about when my mind might otherwise wander to the dark side.

 

[Judge]

Though it's not clear from this thread, mysterionz does pay rent. I'd say that entitles her to some say in what happens in the house.

Ethically speaking, I'd agree. To quietly discuss what might be done to improve an adult child's living circumstances. However legally speaking, it can get quite complicated- and quite ugly for both landlord and tenant.

I'd think the most pressing question under such circumstances is whether or not the tenant resides in a jurisdiction that recognizes a court-ordered "duty of support" for adult family members. To my knowledge there are only 30 states with such policies. Then consider whether the tenant in question has a legally recognized "disability" involving sensitivity to sound, relative to "reasonable accomodations and modifications" of the Fair Housing Act.

I'd think in most cases a child tenant who simply doesn't make enough to support themselves independently of their parent landlord would best not go this route. They may have potential legal entitlements, but if they seek to impose them on their own parents it may produce long-lasting animosity that leaves the tenant in worse circumstances than before in the long run.

Better to take time to plot an exit plan based on having the proper finances to do so. In the meantime I like the idea of using a pair of Bose QuietComfort headphones to block so much unwanted sound in close proximity.

As a long time tenant, one thing to emphasize is that no matter where you move to, don't anticipate noise considerations to be any better than before. If anything they tend to be dynamic and a bit of a crapshoot as to whether they are better or worse. I've been fortunate for the last few years to have relatively quiet tenants, but I know full well they could leave and their replacement could be an autistic nightmare.

 

[mysterionz]

@The Pandector i actually have a pair of first gen AirPods but they’re not the same as noise canceling headphones. I know harbor freight (a tool store) offers them. My current savings goal is for an art tablet + laptop for digital art.

 

[mysterionz]

My apologies. I thought you mentioned that you were his son. I should have verified that. I meant no offense.

It’s okay, no need to apologize.

My worst sensory issue remained cigarette smoke. With living with my own parents, it literally took me years to finally persuade my mother to smoke outside.

this is among my many sensory issues that make me shut down, alongside noisy environments.

Do you have any plans/hopes for moving out in the future?

Maybe one day, but not for right now as the $$ I have would only pay for one month in an apartment. I cannot drive so I would be stuck relying on an Uber/Lyft (bad idea as I could get kidnapped or worst) or a friend with a drivers license to take me to work (which could get annoying fast)

 

[mysterionz]

I know from personal experience that trying to ignore those annoying habits is like ignoring a tornado warning. Pretty soon the tornado comes and everything gets destroyed.

The technology for severe weather alerts has improved over the years. If you are in the path of a tornado, DO NOT wait until you can see it. Look up Swegle Studios on YouTube, he does great content on severe weather.

 

[mysterionz]

I know plenty of adults who’s parents don’t respect as such. My wife is dealing with a similar situation. Her parents still try to treat her like a ignorant child and control her life, even though she’s 50 and has grandchildren.

My best friend is almost 26 and she still lives with her parents. She’s unfortunately in a similar situation as me.

 

[mysterionz]

Better to take time to plot an exit plan based on having the proper finances to do so. In the meantime I like the idea of using a pair of Bose QuietComfort headphones to block so much unwanted sound in close proximity.

I’ll see if I can find some on Amazon or see if I can go to Harbor freight. I have some AirPod max headphones on my Amazon wishlist, but they’re $500! I understand it’s Apple and the stuff is expensive, but that makes a $300 pair of headphones look like an Apple dupe

 

[Judge]

I’ll see if I can find some on Amazon or see if I can go to Harbor freight. I have some AirPod max headphones on my Amazon wishlist, but they’re $500! I understand it’s Apple and the stuff is expensive, but that makes a $300 pair of headphones look like an Apple dupe

I'm just wondering if you can still find an older version of those headphones. I remember trying them in a noisy Best Buy store and thought they were absolutely amazing. And those were about two versions earlier than the present ones (Bose 35?).

But yeah, they just keep raising the prices on them, and they were never reasonable. And above all you can never underestimate how fragile they can be. Where tugging on a connection can weaken or even kill an entire left or right channel. So they'll have to be perpetually handled with "kid gloves".

I got some very good Audio Technica ATHM50 headphones for around $150 some years back, but they have no noise-cancelling capability at all. I just use them to record and monitor .MP3 files. The only really good noise cancelling headphones seem to be from either Bose or Sony...and both are always asking premium prices.

In the meantime I still depend on occasion on my "ear protectors". Rated 34db noise reduction. They're very tight and very bulky, but they do subdue sound for a very reasonable price (usually under $30). I use them at the firing range when not trying to block out nasty external sounds at home. I've also been known to wear earbuds to hear sound like tv or stereo while using my ear protectors to cover my ears.

https://www.amazon.com/ear-noise-protectors/s?k=ear+noise+protectors

 

[Au Naturel]

Though it's not clear from this thread, mysterionz does pay rent. I'd say that entitles her to some say in what happens in the house. Otherwise it does make her parents look bad in regard to using her benefits without accommodating her or helping her find a better living situation.

Having paid rent for rooms many times over many years, I would argue that it does not. She has a limited right to privacy in her room for her and for her belongings. Access to common areas has to be negotiated. Many landlords do not allow renters into the rest of the house except for commuting to and from an external door and the use of one bathroom. None of the people I rented from would ever have accepted that I had any say over what happens in the house outside my room, and I'd have only minimal say about what happens inside it. If they allowed me into a common area (kitchen, TV room, back yard), it was entirely theirs, and I adjusted to their lifestyle.

If she has a say in the house, it entirely depends on her relationship with her parents. This relationship seems rocky, which takes most of that "say" away. Maybe she can open lines of communication with her father about her needs. He may or may not be receptive. Paying rent has nothing to do with it.