An Unspoken Social Rule

[WereBear]

From Candidly Autistic:

To my friends on the spectrum, let me explain to you an unspoken social rule that possibly nobody has ever explained to you before

If a neurotypical asks you, “What game are you playing?” they’re not asking you to describe the game.

They’re asking you if they can play too.

If a neurotypical asks you, “What are you watching?” they’re not asking you to explain the plot of the movie/tv show to them.

They’re asking if they can watch it with you.

.

When neurotypicals ask you “What are you doing?”

What you think they’re asking: “Please explain to me what you are doing.”
What they’re actually asking: “Can I join you?”
Now here’s the really messed up part. If you start explaining to them what you’re doing? They will interpret that as a rejection.

What you think you’re saying: [the answer to their question]
What they think you’re saying: This is an elite and exclusive activity for a level 5 friend and you are a level 1 acquaintance. You are not qualified to join me because you don’t know all this stuff. Go away.
.

This is why neurotypicals think you’re being cold and antisocial.

IT’S ALL A HORRIBLE MISCOMMUNICATION.

I didn’t realize, even thought it took me almost three decades to learn this, that this was such a paradigm changing realization until we had our conversation today.

But it really really is. One of the most bewildering realizations I’ve had is most people don’t talk to learn things unless its related to work or directly towards their own hobbies, all the words and questions are bonding questions if done socially. They are “lets make friends” questions.

So if I answer their question without an opportunity for the person asking the question to give a response or to join in somehow, the asker feels alienated and starts shutting down.

Example: what are you reading?

True answer but not what they’re looking for: Title of book

Best answer for social scenarios where I want to retain/create friendship: This book is about x and y but it has z that i know u have an interest in too.


Example: what are you doing?

True answer but not: drawing

Best answer for friends: I’m drawing but would u like company while I’m working?


And sometimes frankly I’m not in a headspace where I can process people so the answer is something like, “I would like to do something in a day or later, do you want to plan something?”

Tldr: communication is weird


that explains so much thank you

(why... do neurotypicals never just say what they mean ie hey this show looks cool mind if I join you?)

Further annoying?

They don’t realize that’s what they’re asking and they just feel rejected and go away. So you can’t even ask them what you did wrong because they can’t even put a finger on why they feel the way they do they just know you made them feel bad for some undefined reason.

What’s messed up about this is that we are the ones that communicate explicitly and simply and are pathologized for it, while allistics literally expect us to READ THEIR MINDS and that’s normal? How even is that reasonable? How is it we are the ones that society thinks are mentally ill?

Uhg.

Just so… for those of you who have to hide your autism, this is a great thing to keep in mind.

source
Reblogged from keelan-666

 

[JackSkellington]

Sorry but I don't agree with it. People ask me those questions and it literally does mean what they ask. Many of them are just questions, nothing more. I do overthink stuff, but if people want to play a game with me.. they will ask me! Not everyone beats around the bush as the phrase goes.

Also I want to point out- I'm sure what you posted does apply to some, but it doesn't apply to all.

 

[xudo]

Sorry but I don't agree with it. People ask me those questions and it literally does mean what they ask. Many of them are just questions, nothing more. I do overthink stuff, but if people want to play a game with me.. they will ask me! Not everyone beats around the bush as the phrase goes.

Also I want to point out- I'm sure what you posted does apply to some, but it doesn't apply to all.

Yeah, I agree. I've had people ask me these questions and they literally were looking for the sensible answer that I gave them. Something like them: "what book are you reading?" me: "Sapiens" and then they might follow up with asking what it's about. I don't think I've ever been in the situation of someone going away feeling annoyed and rejected by the way that I answered one of these sorts of question.

 

[Ellie.s]

So if I ask a NT "what are you watching?", they think I want to watch it with them?

 

[rainfall]

I think that everyone is different. I've noticed by being here that although most agree that there is a spectrum for autism they don't believe the same about NT's. Wouldn't it make sense that you can't have a one sized fits all approach to NT's the same way you can't have that approach to aspies and such?

Just because they're NT's doesn't mean they all had the same upbringing and therefore the same thinking, beliefs and the like. There may be enough common ground throughout to make certain assumptions, but it won't work for everyone. I think that we, myself included, sometimes stress the social situations too much. If we don't understand, we should just say so.

I like my brother's motto. "I don't care if I look stupid asking questions because I'm learning something."

NO ONE knows EVERYTHING, no matter who they are.

I know I've always been different and I don't know a whole crap on of stuff, but if it's a friend, I should be able to be myself and just ask if they know something I don't and vice versa. Implying that everyone thinks the same is just going to get us in more trouble, because they don't.

 

[Bella Pines]

NTs should so be classed as disabled. Unable to accurately articulate a sentiment. I mean what kind of crazy language is that?

 

[WereBear]

I think this also reflects the culture one is in. In the American South, NO ONE uses words in their straightforward meanings. It's all hinting and nuance and notwhattheymean.

 

[WereBear]

Here's what I'm talking about:

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

'Askers' vs. 'Guessers'​

 

[WereBear]

Yeah, I agree. I've had people ask me these questions and they literally were looking for the sensible answer that I gave them.

So have I. But sometimes, it's exactly as I quoted in the original post.

Some, I think, are fortunate in that they are literal speakers and they are surrounded by literal speakers. When I moved from the American South to the American Northeast it was an enormous difference.

 

[Bella Pines]

You know what, if anyone here is tech savvy and looking to make their millions ( and can be bothered), they should so write a translation app.

Despite the fuzzy language and emotional sentiments, there is a pattern (of course, there are patterns everywhere)

And in fact I am being somewhat hypocritical since I too have a language nuance (British English, aka proper English) whereby I don't say what I mean...

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I think that everyone is different. I've noticed by being here that although most agree that there is a spectrum for autism they don't believe the same about NT's. Wouldn't it make sense that you can't have a one sized fits all approach to NT's the same way you can't have that approach to aspies and such?

Just because they're NT's doesn't mean they all had the same upbringing and therefore the same thinking, beliefs and the like. There may be enough common ground throughout to make certain assumptions, but it won't work for everyone. I think that we, myself included, sometimes stress the social situations too much. If we don't understand, we should just say so.

I like my brother's motto. "I don't care if I look stupid asking questions because I'm learning something."

NO ONE knows EVERYTHING, no matter who they are.

I know I've always been different and I don't know a whole crap on of stuff, but if it's a friend, I should be able to be myself and just ask if they know something I don't and vice versa. Implying that everyone thinks the same is just going to get us in more trouble, because they don't.

I agree. So many variables come into play, and each person could interpret such questions totally different regardless of condition, gender, race, social status, intelligence, and so on. This is how stereotypes occur. We each are indeed shaped by our own unique genetics and experiences, and so our answers to others' posed questions may or may not show a pattern, depending on how our mindset was shaped, and depending upon the current situation.

As so, please note how we heard those questions phrased and the answers given before, too, could play a role, besides our unique interpretations of what was meant by the question. And the surroundings could play a factor too, as can who the actual person was that presented the question and resulting perceived beliefs why they asked such. And when one is under stress, depression or anxiety, the answer could be in some situations totally different I feel, than what they ordinarily could give.

I mean, just take the question, 'What are you reading?' Let's say a guy was at the bar and asked that question to a woman. He maybe could care less what she was reading, and it may or may not be instead just a pick up line, depending on his intentions. A reply back could be. "Hi, what is your name?" as one woman could have interpreted it was just an attempt to talk. But, if this question was asked at a book store, one might get a totally different reply back, and she might reply by naming the title, and telling the man in detail about the book, or at another environment, one could reply like, 'Why do you ask?'

For this reason, I always wondered if I could be an Aspie. I mean I have about 6 or 7 of the supposedly defined typical 10 or so main traits, but I have ability to not take things literally, too, when the situations warrants. And empathy is a strong point of mine, nor do I have any sensory sensitivity issues. I have no daily routines and like spontaneity. I myself do relate to much though about Autism and Aspergers, and so think stereotyping of those other three things is wrong as those with Aspergers may or may not have those signs and symptoms there.

So, I think there could be non-diagnosed Aspies as Aspies, and diagnosed Aspies as not Aspies, as the assumption is a person will always act, and react this way or that way, or have all these traits, abilities or not, because of diagnosis or lack of diagnosis. That assumption would be wrong, as not every person who is accurately diagnosed will have every trait or sign and symptom of that condition, but likewise, every person who does not meet every sign and symptom, does not mean they do not have that condition.

So, it would be hard to say how any person whether NT, Aspie, or one with another condition, would think or respond to any one question, as so many factors come into play. So, the poser of the question should not expect one reply back, but be prepared for any number of replies back, which each could be seen as acceptable because of how uniquely they interpreted it.

 

[StephF]

I would respond in the asked manner:
e.g What are you doing ? I'm watching a Harry Potter movie. Simples !

 

[Judge]

IMO it doesn't help that we have a society with media who no longer strive to objectively report the news so much as editorialize about it mostly just to enhance ratings through a target audience. People who listen to hear only what they want to hear.

Sending the wrong message to the public that it's normal and customary to skew the truth.

 

[Warmheart]

 

[DuckRabbit]

Another one is "Have you met Joe Bloggs/ Susan Jones?"
Curiously you are not meant to search back in your memory as to whether you have met them before or not, and respond "Yes" or "No, I don't think so". You're meant to immediately smile, stick out your hand and say "Nice to meet you Joe/ Susan. I'm [insert your own name]".

EDIT: Just to clarify, this is when one person is introducing another person to you.

 

[umbrellabeach]

What about when they ask what book you're reading? It'd be hard for two people to read a single copy of a book at once.

Another one is "Have you met Joe Bloggs/ Susan Jones?"
Curiously you are not meant to search back in your memory as to whether you have met them before or not, and respond "Yes" or "No, I don't think so". You're meant to immediately smile, stick out your hand and say "Nice to meet you Joe/ Susan. I'm [insert your own name]".

I've never had that one happen to me. Sounds like a teasing way of introducing themselves.

 

[Apopheniac]

They ask indirectly because it leaves room for them to exit the interaction without being personally rejected if you don't want them to join. It is considered rude to be direct in asking because it leaves you no room to gracefully say no without the awkwardness of basically having to tell them to go away.

That 'Asker vs. Guesser' article is really insightful.

 

[Ylva]

This is an actual complaint of the comic strip character Nemi. I am only now realizing that neurotypical readers might view it as a quirk rather than a relatable thing.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I always go into detail whenever someone asks me a simple question. Even today, a coworker asked me if there were any phone calls while she was away - I didn't just say "no", I said "not that I know of, I was in the restroom during the past several minutes", and then I remembered how another coworker was in the office while I was out, and all he said was "no" - so I ended up saying "oh yes that's right, <coworker> was here during those few minutes so I think I'll go with 'no' as well". Retrospectively, I could have just said "not that I know of". It's like a natural response from me, always adding unnecessary detail and it's hard to remember not to!

 

[Kirsty]

I always go into detail whenever someone asks me a simple question. Even today, a coworker asked me if there were any phone calls while she was away - I didn't just say "no", I said "not that I know of, I was in the restroom during the past several minutes", and then I remembered how another coworker was in the office while I was out, and all he said was "no" - so I ended up saying "oh yes that's right, <coworker> was here during those few minutes so I think I'll go with 'no' as well". Retrospectively, I could have just said "not that I know of". It's like a natural response from me, always adding unnecessary detail and it's hard to remember not to!

That's the kind of thing I would do. Lol