Another knife in my heart

[MNAus]

I try online dating, but often times it just ends up making me depressed. I pretty much never match with anyone that I am interested in. There are a lot of women with a lot of baggage which may or may not be from their own doing. I have worked hard in other areas of my life and I don't expect perfection but I also have some standards. There is such a large mismatch in terms of the number of men far exceeding the number of women on dating sites, that it tends to result in matches that are not on equal footing. I think online dating is a tool that may be very helpful in a large city, but even then has its limitations. In a smaller city its effectiveness is low from my experience, although not impossible. It is just even harder as someone on the spectrum.

I can understand that makes things tricky. Here's an idea. Why don't you go on some dates with these "women with baggage"? Don't mislead, be absolutely open. Just say in your profile you're not looking for a relationship, you're not looking for a one nighter, you'd just love to hear people's stories, share company and share a laugh. It would be excellent practice for you and also good desensitisation from this mindset of "holy crap, gotta make this one count, last chance saloon". And it would be FUN. And don't worry if you do meet someone special that they'll think you insincere. Most women who read that in a profile will think "that's great, but you never know.... maybe he changes his mind".

But most likely you'll just meet a cast of interesting people and have a lot of good memories to look back on, whilst honing your skills on being social and relaxing too. Go date some women with "baggage"; just be safe and don't give false signals. TBH many of them will be quite happy with a fun night and aren't poor wretches desperately in need of someone to complete them, so they won't be wailing at the prospect of you not wanting something long term with "a woman with baggage".

 

[kriss72]

Ok, I have been thinking a bit about this now. I'm quite sure she had a genuine interest in you. You said she told you she wanted to take it slow, then it might have been too intense to invite you to stay for an extended weekend - but she wanted to see you, if it was a young me, then there would have been a lot of internal conflict.

Maybe the time she was working you could have gone for a walk or something - give her time alone. It could also have an option that you had rented a room, so you didn't need to sleep in her appartment, again letting both of you have some time alone, making it less intense for her.

But all of that is history, the question is what to do next - I don't know, I'm not in her head, but I think you should keep this as one of your memories, if she contacts you then there is a new situation, but let her go.

 

[Neri]

Ok, I have been thinking a bit about this now. I'm quite sure she had a genuine interest in you. You said she told you she wanted to take it slow, then it might have been too intense to invite you to stay for an extended weekend - but she wanted to see you, if it was a young me, then there would have been a lot of internal conflict.

Maybe the time she was working you could have gone for a walk or something - give her time alone. It could also have an option that you had rented a room, so you didn't need to sleep in her appartment, again letting both of you have some time alone, making it less intense for her.

But all of that is history, the question is what to do next - I don't know, I'm not in her head, but I think you should keep this as one of your memories, if she contacts you then there is a new situation, but let her go.

O
I agree. It looks like a case of coming on too strong, too soon. You made it clear you were into her, and she might be wondering "How is this even supposed to work? When he lives so far away?"
Maybe she thought you wanted a " dirty weekend" and she wasn't down for that, obviously. So I really think she felt pressured and just wasn't comfortable with the implied pressure. Maybe even an apology or an acknowledgement is in order. Something like
"i think maybe I came on too strong too soon. I hope you can forgive me. I just really like you".

Bare in mind this is purely speculative and don't do anything that doesn't feel right.
I'm wondering, though, what your plans are? Considering the distance between you. Maybe she is too?

 

[MNAus]

"i think maybe I came on too strong too soon. I hope you can forgive me. I just really like you".

Forgive me? As in "I have sinned, please forgive me"? The guy did nothing wrong except being a bit keen and approaching things like he was building a space rocket. This has "I was aroused, I'll be sure to hit it with a cold spoon" vibes about it. Either that or "I've done nothing wrong, but if I prostrate and humble myself.... will you touch it?"

He had the best of intentions. Doesn't need to beg forgiveness for having high hopes and a bit of an ASD approach to things when a woman invites him to stay over at her apartment for a weekend.

Going to have to disagree with you on this one. Nothing to apologise for (on what has been written).

 

[Rodafina]

Nothing to apologise for (on what has been written).

I agree that @mw2530 has nothing to apologize for. The girl invited him there and offered her place for him to stay. In @mw2530's shoes, I would have been feeling very confused and let down. Inviting someone from a dating site into your home suggests you are at least willing to hold hands and probably more. If things changed for her, she could have communicated that with more than just saying her hands were cold.

 

[Neri]

Point taken. I just know that if I've done anything to cause my partner to pull away, I own it, I apologize and it helps. I don't think there's anything wrong with humbling oneself, especially if you want a relationship to work. But I'm open to being wrong too. I do tend to fawn, a symptom of way too much abuse, so I might be seeing things through a distorted "trauma lens". Like I said "Do what feels right". If he doesn't think it applies, I'm sure he's discerning enough to reject my suggestion.

Bare in mind that @mw2530 came here because he felt things weren't going smoothly and he was worried he'd done something to cause it to be that way. So, I'm addressing context here. It's not a matter of "right and wrong" it's a matter of smoothing things over because they aren't feeling smooth at the moment and he wasn't sure how to proceed, so I offered a suggestion. That doesn't mean I got it right, it just means I'm trying to help. He can take it or leave it. It's his prerogative.

 

[kriss72]

Maybe she thought you wanted a " dirty weekend" and she wasn't down for that, obviously. So I really think she felt pressured and just wasn't comfortable with the implied pressure. Maybe even an apology or an acknowledgement is in order. Something like
"i think maybe I came on too strong too soon. I hope you can forgive me. I just really like you".

I'm 100% on your side here @Neri , not that @mw2530 did anything wrong but I think there were some misalignment between expectations for that meeting, and the apology would be a good way to move on. I'm 90% sure the girl in the story felt things moved a bit to quickly. The "I hope you can forgive me." can be left out, but I think it is a nice touch, she did say "go slow", so her borders could unintentionally have been overstepped.

I also agree with:

I agree that @mw2530 has nothing to apologize for. The girl invited him there and offered her place for him to stay. In @mw2530's shoes, I would have been feeling very confused and let down. Inviting someone from a dating site into your home suggests you are at least willing to hold hands and probably more. If things changed for her, she could have communicated that with more than just saying her hands were cold.

Being invited to the home of someone you met on a dating site, for an extended weekend... it would be natural to expect it could develop into something more than a quick hug, but it isn't a given, people are different. We don't know the history of this girl, or her experience with dating life. So no, mw2530 didn't do anything wrong, reading the story he was very careful to not overstep any boundaries, so nothing he should apology for, but he could apologies for unintentionally move to fast for her (if that is what happened).

Ok, I have a story, it's very different, and yet the same in some way, so... I don't remember why I was in this bar, but had fun talking with one guy, so when the bar closed, I said, hey, let's continue in my appartment -ok, I know how that sounds now, and yeah, that was what he heard, but that wasn't what I meant, I just wanted to have fun, like in talking, listening to music and enjoying some drinks. So we went to my appartment with different expectations, just like in mw2530's story - nothing happend, he was nice enough to respect me, but after he left, I was a bit uncomfortable - yeah, it was my fault, yes, he respected my boundaries - but... if he would have wanted a chance with me, the appolgy message would be the way to go....

 

[Rodafina]

Point taken. I just know that if I've done anything to cause my partner to pull away, I own it, I apologize and it helps. I don't think there's anything wrong with humbling oneself, especially if you want a relationship to work. But I'm open to being wrong too. I do tend to fawn, a symptom of way too much abuse, so I might be seeing things through a distorted "trauma lens". Like I said "Do what feels right". If he doesn't think it applies, I'm sure he's discerning enough to reject my suggestion.

Bare in mind that @mw2530 came here because he felt things weren't going smoothly and he was worried he'd done something to cause it to be that way. So, I'm addressing context here. It's not a matter of "right and wrong" it's a matter of smoothing things over because they aren't feeling smooth at the moment and he wasn't sure how to proceed, so I offered a suggestion. That doesn't mean I got it right, it just means I'm trying to help. He can take it or leave it. It's his prerogative.

I think, generally speaking, the more diverse and unique perspectives that people can hear when seeking advice the better off they will be. Respectful disagreement can really open people up to new ideas, and different solutions will work for different people. Folks seeing things differently is one of the benefits of speaking about something in a group. As long as none of us are disrespecting one another, I think it's very important for all voices to be heard.

Case in point, Neri and Rodafina have different perspectives on this, but both are valid and both are important for OP to hear.

 

[mw2530]

I'm 100% on your side here @Neri , not that @mw2530 did anything wrong but I think there were some misalignment between expectations for that meeting, and the apology would be a good way to move on. I'm 90% sure the girl in the story felt things moved a bit to quickly. The "I hope you can forgive me." can be left out, but I think it is a nice touch, she did say "go slow", so her borders could unintentionally have been overstepped.

Even before I started this thread, I was considering following up with another text either tonight or tomorrow night and that would be my last attempt. I wanted to give her some time since my last text because I think a bunch of texts close together will push someone farther away and make myself look very needy. In terms of what I was going to say, I was kind of thinking through that in my head. Taking into account my own personal thoughts and experiences along with the feedback I have received, I was thinking something like this.

Hi M, I just wanted to reach out to say that I enjoyed spending last weekend with you, but I sensed that I may have made you uncomfortable with some of my attempts to get closer physically and I regret doing this if I indeed make you feel this way. I felt a connection with you when we initially met and at times during the weekend together and was attempting to create more of that. I have enjoyed getting to know you and I am open to talking more if you want to as well, but I will give you some space in the meantime.

What does everyone think? It is not a full apology, but is perhaps an attempt to clear up some miscommunication. My thought is there are two main possibilities that she pulled away. One, when we spent more time together she realized that I wasn't the person she originally thought me to be or she was turned off due to some possible social awkwardness and as a result she was happy when the weekend was over and glad I had gone home. The other is more in line with what many of you have been suggesting in that she was feeling things were moving too fast and felt a bit uncomfortable since I was staying at her place. If it is the former, she obviously won't want to talk anymore, but if it is the latter then maybe, but maybe not. In any case, I don't know what this would look like long term, but I just would like to get back the connection we had.

 

[kriss72]

Hi M, I just wanted to reach out to say that I enjoyed spending last weekend with you, but I sensed that I may have made you uncomfortable with some of my attempts to get closer physically and I regret doing this if I indeed make you feel this way. I felt a connection with you when we initially met and at times during the weekend together and was attempting to create more of that. I have enjoyed getting to know you and I am open to talking more if you want to as well, but I will give you some space in the meantime.

I can only give my opinion and English isn't my native language, so I might not have gotten all of it right, also it needs to be your own words, and I'm not her... But I would probably not write the part about getting closer physical, as that rules out there was an emotional part where her boarders were overstepped, so maybe just moving too fast or something - this also helps with the next, because by first talking about the physical stuff, and then the part about the initial feeling of a connection (in your first meeting), and that you did it (the physical move?) to feel more connected - it could be interpreted as a connection between being physical and feel connected - I'm not saying it is wrong, just if we have a girl that want to move slowly, then you might not want to make a link in her head that you would want a physical aspect to feel connected to her. (You would probably not want to make that link in any ones head)

When you write "I will give you some space in the meantime", if it was written to me, I would feel some pressure from it, it doesn't open the possibility that I might not be ready to talk again, like you are assuming I want to talk to you again - I know the previous sentence say it's up to her, but it kind of sends mixed signals in my eyes...

I'm very interested in what the others in this thread thinks about it - I'm not good at this kind of stuff compared to some of them.

 

[kriss72]

I forgot to write that your intend, writing again and the thoughts behind what you are writing, are all good and noble

 

[Rodafina]

Hi M, I just wanted to reach out to say that I enjoyed spending last weekend with you, but I sensed that I may have made you uncomfortable with some of my attempts to get closer physically and I regret doing this if I indeed make you feel this way. I felt a connection with you when we initially met and at times during the weekend together and was attempting to create more of that. I have enjoyed getting to know you and I am open to talking more if you want to as well, but I will give you some space in the meantime.

What does everyone think? It is not a full apology, but is perhaps an attempt to clear up some miscommunication.

Sounds really good to me!

 

[Neri]

Yep. I like it and I do think I went a bit far with the "I hope you can forgive me" thing.

 

[kriss72]

Hmm... I guess I'm just overanalyzing it above... as I said, there are others who are better at this

 

[mw2530]

Thanks for all the feedback. I will send her a text tomorrow night if I don't hear from her before then. Seems like a long shot, but if nothing else I hope I can clarify what happened and get some closure.

 

[mw2530]

I can understand that makes things tricky. Here's an idea. Why don't you go on some dates with these "women with baggage"? Don't mislead, be absolutely open. Just say in your profile you're not looking for a relationship, you're not looking for a one nighter, you'd just love to hear people's stories, share company and share a laugh. It would be excellent practice for you and also good desensitisation from this mindset of "holy crap, gotta make this one count, last chance saloon". And it would be FUN. And don't worry if you do meet someone special that they'll think you insincere. Most women who read that in a profile will think "that's great, but you never know.... maybe he changes his mind".

But most likely you'll just meet a cast of interesting people and have a lot of good memories to look back on, whilst honing your skills on being social and relaxing too. Go date some women with "baggage"; just be safe and don't give false signals. TBH many of them will be quite happy with a fun night and aren't poor wretches desperately in need of someone to complete them, so they won't be wailing at the prospect of you not wanting something long term with "a woman with baggage".

Yeah that is an idea and I have went on some dates with women that I was not super interested in. It was a way to do something rather than just sitting at home and feeling lonely. I probably could do more of that, but I tend to just put more energy in my hobbies and interests instead. When I go on the dating websites, it just is depressing to me. I don't know how things were when you were dating, but I think the dating environment has never been worse than in today's climate due to technology and other factors. In my opinion, American society and perhaps Western Civilization society has slowly been deteriating over the past decades and the dating environment is a reflection of that. Morals and values are lacking and it seems like a high percentage of society has little to no self control and there seems to be a lack of perseverance. Many people are struggling and hurting and it is not necessarily their own doing. I think a lot of it boils down to a breakdown of the family unit which has caused a great deal of suffering and lowers quality of life. I am way off topic, but that is my assessment of part of what is taking place in our society today.

I will say this, going out and meeting up with women who I may only be seeking friendship with is a way to work on my socials skills. It is also a way to learn more about who is out there and hear about the type of lives others live. I just have a hard time staying positive when I feel like I don't have many choices in terms of actual serious relationships in the local area.

 

[paloftoon]

The idea that she was distancing herself from you every time you tried to get close to her physically numerous times, you should just keep things platonic at most. If you want to get back with her but platonically only, ask her this directly and if she says any answer that isn't yes, then you can assume she wants nothing to do with you.

It sounds like she had interest in you initially, but then it faded after some time.

 

[kityoume]

From your post you sound frustrated and desperate, but you should also look at it from the other side. You managed to attract a girl you liked, which means you can do it again if necessary. Perhaps this is a sign from the universe to you that you are actually capable of more than you thought you were.
None of us really know what could have caused this girl's behavior and you could have a frank conversation with her to find out. However, it is still not a fact that she will be open to this conversation and you will be able to find out. In any case, focus on what experience you were able to get from this meeting, and perhaps you could try some more new meetings and communication with different girls. You've been doing really, really well, and honestly a lot of dates might statistically go nowhere anyway, but you should give yourself credit for being involved.

 

[Tired]

I sometimes flash a big unusual smile

I'm sorry but this sounds so adorable I'm practically melting

I can't really tell you anything about the whole situation, because sometimes it can be just one word which doesn't sound important to you, but it can mean the world to another person, be some importantly trigger for them etc. So without knowing literally every detail I better not even try to imagine what you did wrong, if you did anything wrong at all.
What I would suggest is to continue searching. So many people find their love in such strange circumstances (I found my now husband in an online game, and I moved to live with him in his country), that you just can never know when snd how that will happen to you. Just continue dating and meeting new people

 

[mw2530]

I have not yet received a response from the message I sent and am not hopeful at this point. I know that people are saying to look at the bright side but it is not easy to do right now. I am feeling quite depressed. I really liked the girl, but I think there was more to it since I have other related frustrations about my life.

I think part of the reason I liked her a lot is because there was so many topics of conversation because we lived in different states which made it exciting. She lived downtown in a big city and this is something I always thought I might enjoy. There was so many things to do and events going on so it seemed like someone could never get bored in a place like that. But I am not sure if this is a bit of a false impression that one can get while on vacation and not having to consider real life issues like having a job and living farther from family.

Part of the reason that I am hesitant to take big risks or make big changes is that after college I got off to a rough start and was miserable both personally and professionally. I lived a few hours from home then and I stayed in that situation too long (3 years) until I decided to move closer to home. At the time of my first job after college, I was in my early to mid 20's and in all honesty I don't think I was ready to live that far from home. I lived a similar distance from home when I was in college, but the responsibilities in college were not as demanding as the working world. Moving closer to home did not magically solve my problems; the next job was better, but still not great and other than family I did not have much of a support network. It took a long time, but I did make a few new good friends and found the best job I have had a little over two years ago. In other words I spent about 10 years in jobs that I was really good at in many ways, but were overwhelming at times and oftentimes caused me to feel burnt out, anxious, or bored. I often times still battle mental health issues, particularly in the winter when there is a lack of things to do here. I think the past trauma I experienced particularly the early years after college causes me to lack the courage to take a chance and move to a bigger city. At the same time, that is unlikely to solve all my problems, but I think it probably could solve some of the biggest issues that I am struggling with. It is also possible that a change like that will bring about new problems that I will have to deal with. So I ultimately don't have the courage to make a change because I am stuck in this mental loop of not knowing what is best for me given my limitations.