Any advice for a NT on this aspie behavior?

[Nathan86]

Apies can lie, my girlfriend lied about her age for about 6 months, plus she tends to just say nothing or change the subject if she's done something.

 

[Autistamatic]

The big misconception about Aspies and lying is the confusion between ability and choice.
I am capable of telling lies if I want to, and they can be elaborate and consistent, but I decided at a young age not to. Life is much easier for me to negotiate if people are honest with me so I do them the same courtesy.
If I try to tell lies verbally I am not particularly convincing. I don't easily pick up on other people when they lie to me so even in my middle age I still don't know all the tricks of body language and tone to carry a lie off undetected. So why bother?
I morally object to lies. They are tools of selfishness and cruelty by their very nature. People lie for their own good, not that of others. Even the compliment that is really a lie is not motivated by making the other person feel good, it's told to shut them up or hurry them.
I can be tactful and choose my words carefully but I will not lie. I am extremely uncomfortable with it. I might tell you it's windy out so you may want to tie your hair up, but I won't tell you that your hair is a disgrace because I don't want to hurt your feelings. I won't tell you it looks great if it doesn't though.
Many, many of us have made the same choice to be honest for our own reasons and some certainly have difficulty in not being blunt when expressing opinions, but an inability to distort or misrepresent the truth it is not.

 

[WereBear]

Those of us who are late-diagnosed have been masking for years and have incredible acting potential. Look at Anthony Hopkins, award winning actor and recently revealed to be on the Spectrum.

It's a moral issue, and we autists vary as much as any other human.

 

[rollerskate]

Just be patient, and consider your needs within the relationship, and whether or not he can fulfill them. It really sounds to me like he can't but is trying because he cares about you. But this is unhealthy for you both. As is your worrying about whether or not he's telling the truth, and trying to force a conclusion you can understand. If you can't communicate with each other and actually believe the other is telling a truth without a doubt... especially about things like whether or not they care for you... they're probably not the right person for you. Just my two cents.

 

[Annanda]

@Marykate101 , did you ever take into consideration, that you might be autistic yourself?

 

[Theta.G]

On the matter of aspie honesty have observed that there is some truth to this. Not all will of course but it is a trait that is found in our demographic more so than NT's. Otherwise it wouldn't be a stereo type.

I think the difference is found in what nt's usually lie about compared to what HF's lie about because our thought processes are so different.

 

[Autistamatic]

On the matter of aspie honesty have observed that there is some truth to this. Not all will of course but it is a trait that is found in our demographic more so than NT's. Otherwise it wouldn't be a stereo type.

I think the difference is found in what nt's usually lie about compared to what HF's lie about because our thought processes are so different.

I agree with what you say there, my only personal reservation applies to the stereotype itself. There is a definite tendency towards honesty in ASD people and the number of reasons for it, both conscious and unconscious are many. Unfortunately the stereotype suggests that we cannot lie and that can be a difficult one to overcome. I've certainly had it thrown in my face a few times when I've said something unclear which has been taken the wrong way.

 

[All-Rounder]

My Hfa boyfriend and some autistic friends have a hard time keeping promises, especially in relationships, and doing some things with others.

My bf cant get himself to voice call with me unless he's with other ppl, he has anxiety and he gets worked up about it. When it comes to sex it may be an issue also, especially first years. Things can change in time, and honestly I have no advice of what you should do because for us its been just time and i guess when he started being ready for things. He made promises i was doubting, idk why he would, knowing he cant keep them. I guess hes really stubborn but he should be considering the consequences more. He promised me tons of things and all of them were not kept. Its hard as an aspie I think, being so rooted in your restrictive ways of things and comfort, you wont do stuff as youd want to, but he keeps realizing he can't keep his word easily, he feels bad about it and i think it affects his esteem.
Honestly im used to knowing he sometimes lies. They may be white and there have been enough very hurtful ones. He drove me crazy in both bad and good ways but i read its quite common in normal relationships. I feel lucky though to be with him. Things changed drastically from the first months when we started to date, they changed after one year almost abruptly. This is up to him though. Its been years of high stress and hardship i wouldn't imagine at first for both of us. There were a bit more issues than aspies should normally have. But each person is unique and aspie diagnosis can have two completely different aspie traits in two people, not to mention non aspie traits that will make them very varied. If you check the diagnosis criteria youll see what I mean.

 

[All-Rounder]

Also I notice you stress a lot because he doesn't talk about negative things. My bf still sometimes ignores me when I try to discuss, it may be wrong timing but from what hes said its mostly he cant stand or find use for talks or negative stuff. Lately he listens and just says hes listening but has nothing to add. This is kinda fine by me most times, and it lets me convey stuff to him.

 

[All-Rounder]

But sometimes he really communicates in depth just like I do, he used to convey to me what bothers him when I did or when I was asking him about his behavior to understand how he feels, which irritated me cause hed switch topic to him and not take his courage and find a right time to tell me his side, overwhelming me when I was down. I found out he also likes bad things to be talked about when hes feeling bad, which i wouldnt like. So wevre different that way.

 

[TempeFan]

There is a definite tendency towards honesty in ASD people and the number of reasons for it, both conscious and unconscious are many. Unfortunately the stereotype suggests that we cannot lie and that can be a difficult one to overcome. I've certainly had it thrown in my face a few times when I've said something unclear which has been taken the wrong way.

What seems to be confusing the issue is the age old debate of nature VS nurture. Each person is born with a massive set of inherited traits that determine their physical characteristics and behavioral tendencies. Picture if you will, a big hospital nursery. You can see the different colors and genders and the sameness in age. You can observe behaviors, as some are crybabies, some are quiet, some seem to have perpetual poop face and some smile a lot. The crack babies are already addicts and the AIDS babies are already infected with a terminal disease. None of them have done anything wrong and none are inherently all good or all bad. At this point, with only their humble first day beginnings to consider, one could speculate about who they will become but there's not enough data to make very accurate predictions.

A person is born with certain factors that determine the NATURE of the beast but it's their NURTURE that determines which will end up with the better lot in life and which will probably not get the chance. If you have more of the most popular traits and are born into the best of circumstances, it is more likely you can stay true to your nature, the tendencies you are born with. If you have more of the least popular traits and are born into the worst of circumstances, like being part of a hated minority, your options are severely limited. When only 1 in 100,000 people are born with a certain characteristic, they are definitely a minority target. Being constantly bullied, misquoted, maligned, beaten, abused, harrassed, excluded, discriminated against and denied access to jobs and relationships can force a person to take drastic measures against their nature, including lying, to protect oneself from further harm. Most people can relate to the fact that being blind or deaf makes communication with sighted or hearing people difficult and therefore reasonable accomodations should be made. The world does not yet understand the fact that the difficulty in communication which people on the spectrum experience is also due to a physical unintentional anomaly NOT a behavioral choice and cannot be changed by simply punishing someone into being born with the preferred trait.

Also, just as you feared that your wording might be taken as criticism instead of a request for information, it happens quite a lot more often the other way around. Due to the differences in the way NT's and Aspies process and thereby convey information, whenever those of us on the spectrum ask a question to request clarification or would like to know more about something that interests us, we are often accused of being insulting, insubordinate, complaining, argumentative, etc. or even liars instead of the what we are. Aspies tend to give and take words more literally instead of filtering it through bias and false assumptions.

 

[Nauti]

It sounds like he has a lot on his plate with his health issues. Trauma might be part of what he's dealing with and if it is, then social withdrawal is a very common "symptom" , combine that with autism and well, if you really love him, you might just have to be patient. Constantly asking for reassurance and a deadline might feel like more pressure and subsequently more pull-away.

It sounds like he's told he he wants you in his life, but perhaps he is struggling in himself, at the moment, just to keep afloat? Can you take him at his word? Have some faith in him? Be patient and supportive?

It sounds like he's had a really tough time and needs you to be a rock for him for a while, instead of wavering and doubting and second guessing everything he says.

Has he experienced some traumatic or serious health concerns? Coz you mentioned hospital, that's a pretty big deal in anyone's book, usually, but if he's on the spectrum too, he may need even more time to recalibrate and recuperate and have social energy to spare.

It sounds like, yes, your insecurity energy is too much for him right now, but yes, he cares and wants to continue the relationship but needs you to be patient and steadfast.

I'm sorry if I sound blunt, I'm not trying to be mean, but the little you've alluded to, about what he's been through of late, or in the last however long, sounds like he's had a particularly difficult time of it and needs loving and sensitive care, and not doubting and wavering faith in his word and his love and commitment for you.

If trauma is involved, there is another helpful site called myptsd that gives great advice around supporting sufferers and the people who love and care for them. You might find that helpful too.
I hope you get some clarity and answers!