Any Aspies remember being 10? I need advice!!!

[KyRN]

I haven't checked this thread for awhile, I think after her therapy appointment I went into a state of shut down, but I wanted to say to everyone... Thank you! Reading all the comments has been helpful and reaffirms that I'm not crazy or wrong.

We went to that appointment and she did exactly what I knew she would do. I spoke with the therapist after and got a lot of, "well she seems fine," and, "she answered appropriately." I was like wait a second let me call her back in here! Under direct questioning, while keeping my facial expressions neutral (I warned the therapist to do the same to avoid her giving a perceived, "right," answer) she admitted that she hadn't understood WHY the therapist wanted to talk about school or friends but she said what she thought the woman would want to hear. She shrugged when her therapist asked if she cared if other girls wanted to be friends and said, "not really." Hearing my daughter say that she just turns and walks away when the girls in her class are talking/laughing because she doesn't understand the conversation was hard; keeping a neutral face was REALLY hard! I wanted to scream at her therapist like, RIGHT THERE! THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! In the end the therapist had to admit she had no experience with ASD and girls... She referred me to someone else and told me that, well your daughter could just be more mature for her age (uh-huh, surrrreee). It's a small victory but at least someone else sees my daughter's way of coping with limited insight of social conversation. Still, makes me even more anxious for a diagnosis so I can get her help

 

[AspiePie]

Being young sucks but being old if you wait for it will rule!

 

[S0093679]

Embarrassment comes with a sense of self awareness and inadequacy ie I think she would need some awareness about what is good or bad in the eyes of the other girls and whether or not she is good enough for them. Its a complex thing for an aspie 10 year old. I had no awareness at that age other than observing patterns of behaviour, sort of as a third person perspective, such as the simple factual information that i would sit somewhere and they would sit somewhere else, or that i did not play with them and they did not play with me. The emotions i think were buried so deep I wasnt even aware they were there until years later. I think if I were the girl, I would need questions to be asked in a factual way aimed at gleaning information and then followed by what I want to do about it, what I want from the other girls, what happens to me (sad face, angry face) when i dont get what i want and lead into emotions from the information very slowly and on a simple level. The concept of being a loser would be lost on me at that age and even when i was able to grasp "loser" it didnt mean much, sort of like calling me a purple wigglesnot..... it just doesnt mean anything, but there is a sense of confusion, injustice, loss and loneliness from being unable to understand. The best thing that has helped me overall, 1)a book of social rules detailing if i do x then the other person will feel y and will probably do z and 2) a lot of work of understanding my own thoughts and feelings when things happen.

 

[Mr. Cat]

She might really be fine. I didn't have any real friends at 10, though the teacher did ask 2 girls to be my friend because I was always alone. I liked being alone better, being with people felt more lonely. At 11 I was teased and shunned for "being a lesbian". AKA- I liked comfortable clothes (basketball shorts and baggy T-shirts). I didn't understand why they called me that or used the word in a derogatory way, and I really just didn't care at all.

 

[Beverly]

To me, it sounds like she is doing what I am very prone to do, applying everything to myself in a way to general sense. If someone asks me to repeat myself, for example, my first reaction is to wonder if I misspoke, spoke to softly, mispronounced my words or what I did wrong to cause them not to hear me properly.

If someone tells me that I did not perform a task to their satisfaction, my gut reaction is to assume I am a bad person, a failure overall, stupid, dumb, etc...

I know better and, know to override that and use logic, it's them, their opinions, tastes, preferences, lack of focus, etc... that caused the problem but, still my gut reaction is that it must be me.

I'm also very good at self education and reading what others want to hear and, as a youth I used that to tell them exactly what they wanted to hear. I don't do that now unless it's in a contract negotiation or some other situation where I need to ingratiate myself with them in order to get what is best for myself and my career. It can be a useful tool later in life but, learning when it is good to do that was a challenge for me and, learning to accept the disagreements, criticism and all that comes when you don't do that was hard. Obviously it's a lot better to no do that most of the time and, healthier to learn to deal with disagreements, accept criticism, etc... but, that is hard to learn. I didn't get it until I was in my 20's.

Right now it sounds like she is personalizing everything in her interactions with others and, using her ability to read them to win their approval and acceptance. Not all bad but, she hasn't yet come to accept that not everyone has to agree and, just because a person is upset by what you say, it doesn't mean they are upset with all of you, just that one thing, or the thing you spoke about. A lot of changing that comes with maturity but counseling can help too. As to if that is ASD specific, I don't think it is, perhaps more common with ASD but, I think anyone with the ability to read people like that can easily fall into the same trap.

 

[Gingerpickles]

I remember well being 10, but I was long since diagnosed, in private Catholic school that was quite fierce on decorum... which includes no bullying. I wasn't interested in my peers and had a very small important circle of friends. My parents were still married until the next year, so I was still (since age 7) in charge of household anytime my dad was gone because my mom couldn't be trusted to pay the bills properly. I was head taller than most of my classmates and 3 years younger so most left me alone anyway. Only the ones I deigned to approach were my associates. I had no patience and a bad temper towards violations of my personal space. I was helpful and liked being around elderly or very young. I started my menses and that was drama for sure.
I don't think my experience is typical even for us atypicals. However I would shutdown at anything as heavy handed as coaching. And I was not wistful to sit at the "popular table". Quite the opposite.