Anybody in Aspie/Aspie marriage here?

[Mary Terry]

I'm of that "certain era" that grew up with a stay at home mum and working father, but I always did chores to earn my allowance. When I flew the nest I never had any problem doing my fair share of domestic tasks and the DIY (when I was fit enough to do so). I still do most of the cooking, ironing and more, but we've achieved a simple, unspoken arrangement where we both do the things we're best at
She's a pretty decent cook too, but I happen to enjoy it. I gave up the baking though because that's something she really enjoys and she does make some amazing cakes. Her lemon drizzle cake is to die for darlings!

Ooohhh, please post her lemon drizzle cake recipe. I love to cook.

 

[Autistamatic]

Ooohhh, please post her lemon drizzle cake recipe. I love to cook.

I'll ask her I like baking myself but it's a real passion for her. I make do with the main meals these days, but I enjoy that too.

 

[Kirsty]

Some people are just plain lazy.

They don’t really want to take any full responsibility.

 

[Danno]

Aspie men of a certain age, who grew up cared for by their mothers, will not think to do household tasks. It needs to be suggested that they do them. With specific detailed instructions. It's often better if it becomes a routine for them. Something they do all the time. You'll have to consider that it simply does not occur to some aspies to do things you want them to, without suggestions. And it literally has nothing to do with being unthinking. They almost never think of it in those terms

I feel sorry for any of my future partners then... I can definitely see how it may be frustrating, but at the same time I know how things are at the moment for me and it definitely applies... Things like I know *how* to run laundry through, but unless I get to the point where I literally have just the outfit I'm wearing as my only clean one, I generally don't even get my dirties anywhere near the washing machine - unless my Mother nags me (which she can be very good at ). I still live at home at 28 (have often thought about moving out over the years, but of course stuff happens or I come up with an ultra-logical reason why I shouldn't... I try to be as independent as I can, but it doesn't always work out in the way it perhaps should.

A couple of my ex-boyfriends were spectrum-types - one self-diagnosed and another childhood-diagnosed professionally... I did find both relationships rather "strange" to say the least - alleged miscommunication (both myself and them stubborn as anything saying it wasn't our own fault but the other person's), lack of willingness to compromise, trying to logic away causes of arguments because we both thought we were right and couldn't see how the other one might think they were right instead... So for anyone who has made a relationship work long term with both partners on the spectrum, you have my complete and utter admiration!

 

[Mia]

A couple of my ex-boyfriends were spectrum-types - one self-diagnosed and another childhood-diagnosed professionally... I did find both relationships rather "strange" to say the least - alleged miscommunication (both myself and them stubborn as anything saying it wasn't our own fault but the other person's), lack of willingness to compromise, trying to logic away causes of arguments because we both thought we were right and couldn't see how the other one might think they were right instead... So for anyone who has made a relationship work long term with both partners on the spectrum, you have my complete and utter admiration!

That's something that happened early on between my spouse and myself. It changed over time to understanding. With miscommunication it's often easy to assume the worst, we reached a point where there was no blame. And both of us could be correct in our assumptions, it became two differing opinions and we agreed to disagree with one another without ascribing blame. Both of you can be partially right

 

[Progster]

I have this exact problem with my NT partner. In fact, today we had a row about it. He invites his friends over, cooks for himself and for them but not for me, and then leaves all the dirty dishes for me to clear up. He rarely does any work around the house, and it's not fair to expect me to work and do all the chores. I ask him to do things and he either makes excuses as to why he can't do it now, or he says he'll do it later, later comes and it still isn't done. This behaviour can be partly explained by the way he was brought up, at a time and culture where gender roles were more strictly adhered to, but still, there's no excuse for such selfish behaviour. It's so tiring to have to deal with it all the time

 

[Autistamatic]

I have to say that partners who don't pull their weight really boil my....
I've lived with 5 partners including Mrs Autistamatic and house/flat shared with a couple of guys. In all my relationships there's been a pretty fair division of labour, maybe not always perfect (I've always been the only one who could cook until now) but fair nonetheless. With the guys I shared with, I was the only one who ever did anything around the house, even when I was working full time and my housemate was unemployed.
I'm not saying guys are lazy slobs in general, I'm not lazy myself, but a home with 2 people in needs 2 people to maintain it.

 

[Lysander]

I am too. Yes it's very overwhelming at times. Especially with the way he was raised. He's starting to come around but not exactly changed. In other words, he knows where I'm coming from and will work with me, because we've discussed it many times over the years. It takes time and all the initiative is going to be yours. It gets easier as long as you keep the dialogue going. People get used to each other, and to having things a certain way. Set boundaries, stick to them.

 

[Mr Allen]

No sorry, if I was ever intended for the marriage thing I'd have done it years ago, possibly to my ex from school.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

It's men of a certain era as well, who saw their mothers doing all those tasks. Can I utter the word chauvinism here, without causing a huge uproar? Some N/T men as well as Aspie men tend toward being traditionally raised, and look for women who will fill those traditional roles.

Can totally relate to that. In my aspie husband's family, my husband and father-in-law only go to study/job, all other things are decided & managed by mother-in-law.

Thus, in this marriage also, it's me who need to decide for everything, even the big decisions such as which place to rent/buy. I feel overwhelmed, because some things we need to decide together - because i dont want him to be grumpy with dissatisfaction after i make the decisions alone... Since it's him who has the sensory & insomnia issues, he needs to help me to decide things, for example, which area is not so noisy, which bed is ok for him, etc. But he's not interested in that.. Wonder if other forumers can relate to him or me.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I'm of that "certain era" that grew up with a stay at home mum and working father, but I always did chores to earn my allowance. When I flew the nest I never had any problem doing my fair share of domestic tasks and the DIY (when I was fit enough to do so). I still do most of the cooking, ironing and more, but we've achieved a simple, unspoken arrangement where we both do the things we're best at
She's a pretty decent cook too, but I happen to enjoy it. I gave up the baking though because that's something she really enjoys and she does make some amazing cakes. Her lemon drizzle cake is to die for darlings!

You're both lucky to have each other. Wish my husband & i are like you & your wife too... ... I'll try to manage while accept it as is..

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Everything you said applies equally to NT husbands and perfectly describes how my husband and I function. As I've said before, I'd rather scrub toilets than cut grass.

Lucky if yours willing to cut the grass. If not, then you're the only one who scrub the toilets and cut the grass.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I am too. Yes it's very overwhelming at times. Especially with the way he was raised. He's starting to come around but not exactly changed. In other words, he knows where I'm coming from and will work with me, because we've discussed it many times over the years. It takes time and all the initiative is going to be yours. It gets easier as long as you keep the dialogue going. People get used to each other, and to having things a certain way. Set boundaries, stick to them.

So it takes years... I hope we can manage. So we need to set the boundaries.. Ok... Sometimes i think i should do more, or all... I dont know where the boundary is...

Sometimes i feel like i'm both the lone captain and the crew of our ship, with him as the passenger.. But as you say, it takes years, so i'll try to manage. Thanks

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

No sorry, if I was ever intended for the marriage thing I'd have done it years ago, possibly to my ex from school.

Thank you for the reply. The grass over the fence always look greener..

 

[Mia]

Since it's him who has the sensory & insomnia issues, he needs to help me to decide things, for example, which area is not so noisy, which bed is ok for him, etc. But he's not interested in that.. Wonder if other forumers can relate to him or me.

Oh I definitely can. With six wool blankets and a weighted blanket and ear plugs that he sleeps with. All curtains closed, all windows closed and door closed when he sleeps. Bed has to be made a certain way. Since his hearing loss, noise is no longer as much of an issue. He also has insomnia, and sleep disorders.

Clothing, I buy it all. Even shoes and boots. He never goes in a store. So I understand your frustration.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I haven't noticed a difference regarding housework between NT vs ASD people I've lived with. Usually we prefer different chores and just divide up the remaining ones between us or have designated days for things (whatever works for our schedules). It's pretty regimented from the start, so everyone knows exactly what is expected and is in agreement (saves having arguments over supposed misunderstanding later on). If one of us is working loads of overtime and not getting home until stupid o'clock at night, then the other helps out a bit more and vice versa. If both are doing 80+ hour weeks, then we just try to cover the basics and don't expect everything to be perfectly tidy for a while. We just use common sense. Some people are incredibly lazy though, and I would avoid living with that sort of person.

I also can't say I've noticed a difference in standards between the men and women I've shared a house/flat with. If anything, the men tended to really enjoy cooking, compared to women who just eat to survive and will throw together a salad if we're on our own. So although I can cook, I usually ended up doing other tasks as it was more of a hobby than a chore for them. I love the smell of clean washing and the fabric cleaner/conditioner products, so I'm always happy to sort out the washing. I also have a weird enjoyment of making beds (again, because of the clean material smell) so those are usually my designated tasks.

A couple of women have been very messy (fortunately only temporary housemates) and covered the bathroom in products, hair, makeup or dye on the towels, half melted candles (I think?) and other junk that would have eventually annoyed me in the long run. Although my main issue with living with those women was when they constantly used up food or various other items (toothpaste, soap, etc) and didn't bother to replace it so I'd have to walk to the shops late at night so I'd have food to eat or be able to wash when I got up for work the next day! And they either ignored any complaints or acted like it wasn't a big deal that we were late for work. We quickly agreed to kick them out of the flat, so luckily it wasn't a problem for very long.

Selfish behaviour like that annoys me more, as those people just don't give a damn about anyone else and the effects of their actions and clearly think the entire world revolves around them. I have no issue with people borrowing my stuff, but when it completely disrupts your schedule because they don't bother to replace it or even tell you it's gone, then that drives me nuts. Far more than a messy house (which I can at least wait until I get home to deal with). If you have to be somewhere by a set time (i.e. the office) and their laziness make you late, that's far worse because you can't plan for it.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Oh I definitely can. With six wool blankets and a weighted blanket and ear plugs that he sleeps with. All curtains closed, all windows closed and door closed when he sleeps. Bed has to be made a certain way. Since his hearing loss, noise is no longer as much of an issue. He also has insomnia, and sleep disorders.

Clothing, I buy it all. Even shoes and boots. He never goes in a store. So I understand your frustration.

Thank you so much for the tips and kindness, Mia Knowing that you also deal with the similar thing makes me feel more motivated, thank you

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I haven't noticed a difference regarding housework between NT vs ASD people I've lived with. Usually we prefer different chores and just divide up the remaining ones between us or have designated days for things (whatever works for our schedules). It's pretty regimented from the start, so everyone knows exactly what is expected and is in agreement (saves having arguments over supposed misunderstanding later on). If one of us is working loads of overtime and not getting home until stupid o'clock at night, then the other helps out a bit more and vice versa. If both are doing 80+ hour weeks, then we just try to cover the basics and don't expect everything to be perfectly tidy for a while. We just use common sense. Some people are incredibly lazy though, and I would avoid living with that sort of person.

I also can't say I've noticed a difference in standards between the men and women I've shared a house/flat with. If anything, the men tended to really enjoy cooking, compared to women who just eat to survive and will throw together a salad if we're on our own. So although I can cook, I usually ended up doing other tasks as it was more of a hobby than a chore for them. I love the smell of clean washing and the fabric cleaner/conditioner products, so I'm always happy to sort out the washing. I also have a weird enjoyment of making beds (again, because of the clean material smell) so those are usually my designated tasks.

A couple of women have been very messy (fortunately only temporary housemates) and covered the bathroom in products, hair, makeup or dye on the towels, half melted candles (I think?) and other junk that would have eventually annoyed me in the long run. Although my main issue with living with those women was when they constantly used up food or various other items (toothpaste, soap, etc) and didn't bother to replace it so I'd have to walk to the shops late at night so I'd have food to eat or be able to wash when I got up for work the next day! And they either ignored any complaints or acted like it wasn't a big deal that we were late for work. We quickly agreed to kick them out of the flat, so luckily it wasn't a problem for very long.

Selfish behaviour like that annoys me more, as those people just don't give a damn about anyone else and the effects of their actions and clearly think the entire world revolves around them. I have no issue with people borrowing my stuff, but when it completely disrupts your schedule because they don't bother to replace it or even tell you it's gone, then that drives me nuts. Far more than a messy house (which I can at least wait until I get home to deal with). If you have to be somewhere by a set time (i.e. the office) and their laziness make you late, that's far worse because you can't plan for it.

Thank you so much for sharing your story it's fun to read and has many tips that we can learn from. Seems like you click so well with your (non-temporary) housemates, and everybody is doing their share of chores. That's wonderful And you know how to deal with somebody who is selfish. That's a strength that i admire.

Okay, so maybe i need to list out things to do, and discuss with him - and yes, agreement; the most important thing.

 

[Mary Terry]

Lucky if yours willing to cut the grass. If not, then you're the only one who scrub the toilets and cut the grass.

Hubby seems mesmerized by small gasoline engines and looks just like Forrest Gump at the end of the movie riding the mower with his head bent slightly to the left. Remember how Forrest was so happy that the town let him cut the football field and didn't even charge him for the privilege? That's my husband, LOL.