Anyone else obsess over people they love in an unhealthy way?

[BryceMcBryde]

Apologies if the title sounds weird. I have a friend who’ve I’ve known for a few years now, but for a while I’ve been unhealthily in love and obsessed with them. I’m slowly starting to get over it, but I feel like I should tell them to get it off my chest. It’s something that’s been hurting me for a long time. I’ve even written a few songs about it

 

[Misty Avich]

I have had obsessions with females in my life but it was what I called a 'heterosexual crush'. Sometimes loneliness can cause this, even if you have a few friends, if you still feel you aren't functioning socially as good as your peers then obsessions can sometimes occur for comfort and also to focus on and even help change yourself to be like them. Not sure if that's what's going on with you but it was with me. A woman I was once obsessed with seemed odd in some ways but was very chatty and drew a lot of people of both genders to her, and I so badly wanted to be like her too so that maybe I could be chatty and draw everyone to me too. I failed miserably though and it just made me depressed.

 

[elgat0verde]

All my life I've obsessed over the women I've been attracted to

It's kinda sad because the feeling comes like a tidal wave and suddenly is gone.

I am working on getting better about this, if I ever fall for someone

 

[Boogs]

Yes, absolutely!
In my case just one person ever, about 30/35 years ago (turned out she was in the ADS - what a surprise! (not)).
Met up again barely a month back and having met no-one before or since whom I connected with (male, female, or inbetweens), and come to conclusion I never would. I've spent the last month at ceiling height bouncing off walls at a rate of knots, trying to get my head around it, and that was the easier parts!
And would happily take all the pain again if faced with the same.
Interestingly, it seems that love uses the parts of the brain that run the most basic needs - food, shelter, reproduction, not the emotional areas as may be expected, and also runs on very similar routes that addictions use!
So, love can be (and my experience bears it out for me at least) an addiction!

 

[Stuttermabolur]

No, not really. However, I can come across this way because I have trouble recognizing boundaries if they aren't clearly spelled out. This can either cause me to cross boundaries I didn't know were there and suffocate the person, or it can make me stay away and withdraw since I'm afraid of crossing the boundary but don't know where it is.

For me, the strongest need is to be understood, and that can be achieved from up close or further apart. It's important for me to understand people, and that might cause me to seem obsessive, but once I have a clear picture of what they are like, I mainly focus on making them comfortable.

 

[JaredKFan]

No, not really. However, I can come across this way because I have trouble recognizing boundaries if they aren't clearly spelled out. This can either cause me to cross boundaries I didn't know were there and suffocate the person, or it can make me stay away and withdraw since I'm afraid of crossing the boundary but don't know where it is.

For me, the strongest need is to be understood, and that can be achieved from up close or further apart. It's important for me to understand people, and that might cause me to seem obsessive, but once I have a clear picture of what they are like, I mainly focus on making them comfortable.

Exactly the problem I have. If I disclose I’m autistic by extension you should assume I can’t recognize boudaries and you should clearly spell them out. Some simpl refuse to understand this and then I get s*** on for not understanding something people think should be easy to grasp,

 

[BryceMcBryde]

I

Exactly the problem I have. If I disclose I’m autistic by extension you should assume I can’t recognize boudaries and you should clearly spell them out. Some simpl refuse to understand this and then I get s*** on for not understanding something people think should be easy to grasp,

I completely understand this Jared. Hope things get better for you. Also i like your profile picture

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Apologies if the title sounds weird. I have a friend who’ve I’ve known for a few years now, but for a while I’ve been unhealthily in love and obsessed with them. I’m slowly starting to get over it, but I feel like I should tell them to get it off my chest. It’s something that’s been hurting me for a long time. I’ve even written a few songs about it

I do this and it wrecks my life.
I may not be romantically interested in the person but somehow I do not love the right way or know how to do it right platonically.
I feel like I just do it wrong and want to kiss and slobber or sexualize them because I get confused all over the person....and I have really been like this before but I have never loved others as my authentic self
With my family I'm normal but they are not always what I need.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

No, not really. However, I can come across this way because I have trouble recognizing boundaries if they aren't clearly spelled out. This can either cause me to cross boundaries I didn't know were there and suffocate the person, or it can make me stay away and withdraw since I'm afraid of crossing the boundary but don't know where it is.

For me, the strongest need is to be understood, and that can be achieved from up close or further apart. It's important for me to understand people, and that might cause me to seem obsessive, but once I have a clear picture of what they are like, I mainly focus on making them comfortable.

I do not understand why I cannot cross them sometimes.
I'm like this surely there is a way I can love others platonically and kiss and hug them without offending them. Surely there is a way for me to be loved well that does not offend people.
I have found it hard as an autistic, I miss peoples affection because I have childhood trauma and am lonely.
I miss being with other women too and want them to be kind and loving even girlfriends.
I love girlfriends who wear makeup and dress up but are still genuine and non cows, it is hard to find these days.
So many girls are up themselves and super narcissistic.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I have had obsessions with females in my life but it was what I called a 'heterosexual crush'. Sometimes loneliness can cause this, even if you have a few friends, if you still feel you aren't functioning socially as good as your peers then obsessions can sometimes occur for comfort and also to focus on and even help change yourself to be like them. Not sure if that's what's going on with you but it was with me. A woman I was once obsessed with seemed odd in some ways but was very chatty and drew a lot of people of both genders to her, and I so badly wanted to be like her too so that maybe I could be chatty and draw everyone to me too. I failed miserably though and it just made me depressed.

It is hard, I sometimes get a little 'crush' on someone, I know there are great plans for me and attraction is more than someone's appearance but I have aesthetic attraction where I sometimes think someone is hot, I am especially like that right now but when they have amazing talent and inner traits then that can draw me too them but learn my lesson that married people are off the market and there is someone else that is 'supposed to be'
And hopefully they turn out amazing

 

[Slime_Punk]

All my life I've obsessed over the women I've been attracted to

I think some of this is kind of normal and just happens on autopilot. Some people beat themselves up for it, but I think it's just the brain mapping out possibilities and running the simulation 'just in case'.

 

[Boogs]

How spot on! The brain is indeed a simulator and prediction machine (or the bits above the core body maintenance parts (it's good to breath! ).
I think when some people have a blow-out upstairs, it sometimes too much data in, processing can't keep up, something has to give!
The brain will constantly want to know what's going on, or how can it predict a danger? Or a resource? A potential partner is one of the most important resources a brain could want or need, after food and shelter (maybe some will forgo the shelter! ), reproduction is top of the list, as long as the most basic survival is dealt with, what could be more important than passing your genes on, from a bodies point of view at least? Thus romantic attachments potential or otherwise cause a high level of (cognitive) arousal in the brain, with all that goes with it.
It's not natural to stop, takes conscious motivation to do so. It's normal, but some if us over do it, we're overclocking our cpu's, when we don't always have that version built to do that, or our cooling system can't cope, and sometimes it'll overheat and trigger the internal shut down to protect itself? (hope the 'puter analogies make sense? (and I haven't digressed too much?)

 

[Boogs]

Exactly the problem I have. If I disclose I’m autistic by extension you should assume I can’t recognize boudaries and you should clearly spell them out. Some simpl refuse to understand this and then I get s*** on for not understanding something people think should be easy to grasp,

I'm most likely misunderstanding badly (apologies are implicit on that basis! ), but, if I'm not ...

Revealing an atypical mental condition to the majority of people, will quite possibly make matters worse, imho.
It can help, and of course exceptions tend to be the rule! (), but, and I've put a great deal of self learning and subsequent data crunching, and have become far more aware of just how different even typical's thought processes and perceptions can be, even before you start to move into atypical territory. It phenomenal, and with good reason (too much to explain here, maybe not wanted anyway, can always ask in interested) so when you extend that to atypical's, to expect more than the faintest glimmer of appreciation (I'm not using the word 'understanding' deliberately!), unless you're 'lucky' enough to come across a professional in the field (and I'm sure many here have found those who are not as aware as they should be!), or someone with direct experience of communicating with an atypical (and even then they may well only appreciate in principle, but not the details).
And of course (a repeating theme I've quickly found) each combination of people involved will have their own unique aspects that can't be guessed at or predicted in any but a very generic fashion (which if not careful can lead to bad advice!).
So it convert all that into english - you gotta explain v. carefully the symptoms (not the causes) and hope that person can be communicated with at a level you can pass information without too much data loss, and start to build a bridge you can both meet in the middle of?
But try to minimise it much as poss as it often frightens typicals until they start to twig what's going on, the unknown will usually do this as a rule. Reassurance can often be valuable for them, but again, care taken to sooth their ego's and suchlike, not to put it on them too much, etc etc. Typicals can be very vulnerable when they find the situation reversed, and they are alone with different thinking people, often worse than for atypicals, because they don't usually experience it, the people around them are percieved to be the same. A bit like for atypicals out in the world. We aren't wrong, just different, and get used to that on some level, they don't usually have that experience to fall back on and construct helpful strategies.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Apologies if the title sounds weird. I have a friend who’ve I’ve known for a few years now, but for a while I’ve been unhealthily in love and obsessed with them. I’m slowly starting to get over it, but I feel like I should tell them to get it off my chest. It’s something that’s been hurting me for a long time. I’ve even written a few songs about it

Hey, no worries. I relate to everything which you're describing.

What I have learned is that, due to emotional neglect while growing up, I have in my life been very prone to the phenomenon of limerence. This has happened all throughout high school and extending into college, with one particular set of feelings for a girl lasting more than five years. And while I know why now I did not know what was going on then which caused a lot of issues personally and with my current partner.

 

[Bolletje]

I have autism and ADHD. When I meet new people and I like them (whether romantically or not) I can go into hyperfocus and get an intense crush-like feeling. This used to confuse me and I used to think these feelings were romantic (leading to some ill-advised short relationships). I recognize it for what it is these days. I enjoy the happy rush when I interact with these people, knowing that the intensity is a temporary thing and any discomfort that comes from the hyperfocus is fleeting too.

 

[Boogs]

Hey, no worries. I relate to everything which you're describing.

What I have learned is that, due to emotional neglect while growing up, I have in my life been very prone to the phenomenon of limerence. This has happened all throughout high school and extending into college, with one particular set of feelings for a girl lasting more than five years. And while I know why now I did not know what was going on then which caused a lot of issues personally and with my current partner.

Glad it had some value at least!
Personally, it's only been one, and nothing or no-one ever came close. Have severe memory problems, I'm unable to remember any experiences, only the fact they happened, and descriptions such as 'it was amazingly intense' (i.e. meaningless without lots of context, but all the context is similar in nature, non-experiential).
I know it happened, but not what happened in terms of experiencing it through my senses in real-time (and the subsequent memory of that 'sensual' experience (sensual as in 'of the senses')).
So after that fell through, and I stopped seeing her, I had no memory of her in the sense I couldn't close my eye's and 'see' her, I could barely describe her (or anyone else, even 'close' family I've seen 10 minutes ago), so, I didn't have the memories to fall back on for pleasure, or to remind me what I'd lost, so with substance mis-use, and other things (nothing gross, but not appropriate here), and the method of controlling that, left me in a vacuum as far as romantic attachments, recognition of my fundamental need (and lack of from childhood) for physical contact, and most of all, connection. While that put me in a situation of slowly dying (melodramatic description but best I can do right now) of increasing loss of motivation (and it's impact) and all the other long term symptoms of this strategy I either could not predict, or more likely, knowing me as I do, I could but I supressed the acknowledgement of it.

Where it all fell apart for me, and the reason I eventually had to finally give in and seek external help of some sort, (and ended up here ) was when I reconnected about 5/6 weeks back with this woman, and to my (inexperienced) shock I found it could have been 30-odd days, not 30-odd years since last I saw her. While I'm not so stupid or naïve to seriously think there could be any possibility of making something of it, the insane connection, it's intensity, and totally unreasonable urge to immerse myself in her, is just as it was (I can't remember someone's appearance when not in sight, but the instant I see them, I recognise them etc. (discounting severe facial recog issues - can take a very long time to learn someone's face, but I digress), but much worse, the fact that I've not had to deal with emotions of these sorts for over 30 years, and haven't had any sort of real contact with anyone for over 15 years, and having no handle on myself in this area, it's been, well, a ride!

But it's trashed my maintenance model of so many years, I'm anchorless and striving to find a way to resolve at least some of it, even if that ends up only understanding it better. But it's also brought to the forefront the previous state of denial about what's dragging me down for so long, almost imperceptibly on a daily basis, but toxic nonetheless. It's created a crisis (of my own making, natch), and one I have no previous data or knowledge to process it with, and find a solution. The brain's run though so many now, I can't even remember them never mind order in terms of valid rating and selection.
Watching myself mentally thrashing like a beached fish, struggling to breath, has it's own unique 'pleasures'(?), but not being able to complete the processing hurts, as do the overload of emotions which in the past have been handled by denial and suppression (even knowingly and deliberately sometimes).
Wooo! Who wrote all that?
Sounds just like me!!!
I'd best reply and give the poor fella some sympathy?

Ruddy 'eck as like! I only meant to comment on Limerence, and missed the whole point of my post! (well, your post really, excuse the misappropriation! ) Sorry!
TLR? <= Gah! This substitution I do not like! I expect computers to do as I say, not decide their own algorithm however simple! Was meant to say TL : DR, but the ": D" part is an emoji of course! <fussin' russin' mussin ...>

 

[Misty Avich]

When I was 14 I got so intensely obsessed with this couple (I had a crush on the guy) and it turned into stalking. I knew and understood what I was doing but at the same time I had these mental urges to have to see them and find out as much as I could about them, and even seeing them fleetingly drive past made my whole day and I would obsess and obsess about those 2 seconds of seeing them drive by, for example. It was like the obsession took over my whole mind and I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't focus on my schoolwork or my friends or anything. It was like being addicted to a hard drug.
I wasn't intending on causing any harm to them, I just wanted to know everything about them and be involved with their lives even though it was obvious I was unwelcome. Then it turned to deliberately pestering them to get their attention and a reaction, like hanging around outside their house. I wouldn't have done anything illegal like breaking into their house or vandalising their cars or anything. But I still almost got into trouble with the police, but when a policeman came over to my house he believed my (distressed) mum when she explained that I had an innocent mind and was rather lonely but was always in school and was 'of sound mind'. She was telling the truth. I suppose I got lucky though, because most police officers don't believe the innocent.

I do feel so ashamed about it. I was only 14 and I learnt from it.

 

[Boogs]

When I was 14 I got so intensely obsessed with this couple (I had a crush on the guy) and it turned into stalking. I knew and understood what I was doing but at the same time I had these mental urges to have to see them and find out as much as I could about them, and even seeing them fleetingly drive past made my whole day and I would obsess and obsess about those 2 seconds of seeing them drive by, for example. It was like the obsession took over my whole mind and I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't focus on my schoolwork or my friends or anything. It was like being addicted to a hard drug.
I wasn't intending on causing any harm to them, I just wanted to know everything about them and be involved with their lives even though it was obvious I was unwelcome. Then it turned to deliberately pestering them to get their attention and a reaction, like hanging around outside their house. I wouldn't have done anything illegal like breaking into their house or vandalising their cars or anything. But I still almost got into trouble with the police, but when a policeman came over to my house he believed my (distressed) mum when she explained that I had an innocent mind and was rather lonely but was always in school and was 'of sound mind'. She was telling the truth. I suppose I got lucky though, because most police officers don't believe the innocent.

I do feel so ashamed about it. I was only 14 and I learnt from it.

Mentioned this above, but research with functional scans of the brain with people in love, shows it's not the emotional part of the brain, but the core needs part (sustenance, shelter, reproduction, etc). And the parts of the brain being activated with these thoughts, can closely follow the paths involved in addiction.

Does that make more sense to your seemingly irrational thoughts and acts? I obviously have no idea of your experiences around conventional addictions, but if not of the obvious one's, many other compulsions (gambling's a great example) follow the same patterns. Think about compulsions to use, withdrawals from lack of using (using = seeing this couple), etc. You may well find that what was going on had it's (at least partial) roots in these truly fundamental parts of our psyche's. It's a brain thang, more than a mind thang! (even if it effects the mind).

If the road is bumpy, then all the suspension in the world won't completely smooth your ride, but conscious awareness of the path/road you're on, can allow you to to least start to swerve around the worse potholes, but the sometimes painful awareness of those bumps, is important to be able to try and diminish, even avoid them, however much you may prefer not to have to think of them?

 

[elgat0verde]

I think some of this is kind of normal and just happens on autopilot. Some people beat themselves up for it, but I think it's just the brain mapping out possibilities and running the simulation 'just in case'.

This does make a lot of sense, however, this has gotten me in trouble more than once.

More recently with my ex-wife which has become a very horrible nightmare TBH

It put me in very bad situations with ex-girlfriends and abusive people that just did that, emotionally abuse me

 

[Kirsty]

There’s someone in my life who I sort of feel this way for, but her bluntness comes across as aggressive at times which shocks me back to reality from what I think she is. I’m infatuated. I don’t think I’m obsessed. Luckily, I’ve been off work for three days and the first day off was spent recovering at home as I felt hurt by her sudden bluntness. She’s the most sweetest person you can meet, too, even shortly after her outbursts. I’d like to be there for her; even the strongest of people need someone around to check in on them like she has done for me. She’s at a different emotional level whereas I’m more grounded. This helps to see things from an analytical view and gives her a chance to per-sue as she’ll be unsure of where she stands with me and to wonder about me. She’s slowly been asking questions and complimenting me a lot so that’s a good sign so far. I’m slowly winning her over. I know she has some mutual feelings for me and is trying to hide it. Lol. I do hope she’ll stick around in the future.