Anyone else who can form surface level connections, but not deeper connections?

[Aaa111]

Aside from that, that most of the tips that you get for making deep connections don't ever work on you?

I can make myself fit in with most groups, but it will never lead to any deeper connections. Even if I try to ask questions, even if I try to invite to do things. I still never manage take my connections to a deeper level, other than just "classmates" or "coworkers".

Anyone else who is like this? What solution did you find?

 

[Aspychata]

Guess if you might define what deeper connections means to you? I have been friends with several people for very long time, but l don't put it out as deeper connections, l see it more in the terms that we gel together on our opinions or choices of almost everything. We have similar mindsets and values also. Even politically we are aligned. Our personality also tends to be similar yet l don't feel compelled to label it. What type of connection do you feel maybe lacking currently?

 

[Aaa111]

Guess if you might define what deeper connections means to you? I have been friends with several people for very long times, but l don't put it out as deeper connections, l see it more in the terms that we gel together on our opinions or choices of almost everything. We have similar mindsets and values also. Even politically we are aligned. Our personality also tends to be similar yet l don't feel compelled to label it.

By "deeper" I mean actually friends rather than acquaintances

 

[Aspychata]

I found l had to put myself out there. I had to ask my friend if she wanted to meet for coffee. I did this with two different friends who l met in exercise class. One ended up being toxic, the other friend and l have known each other for 8 years. Maybe go to exercise class, or meet-ups, or volunteer, just something to get you out there, then ask what they like doing, perhaps?
But l never stayed friends with anybody that l met at work.

 

[Aaa111]

Guess if you might define what deeper connections means to you? I have been friends with several people for very long times, but l don't put it out as deeper connections, l see it more in the terms that we gel together on our opinions or choices of almost everything. We have similar mindsets and values also. Even politically we are aligned. Our personality also tends to be similar yet l don't feel compelled to label it.

By "deeper" I mean actually friends rather than acquaintances

I found l had to put myself out there. I had to ask my friend if she wanted to meet for coffee. I did this with two different friends who l met in exercise class. One ended up being toxic, the other friend and l have known each other for 8 years. Maybe go to exercise class, or meet-ups, or volunteer, just something to get you out there, then ask what they like doing, perhaps?
But l never stayed friends with anybody that l met at work.

But that is what I am doing all the time. I also go to meet ups or events. But I end up ghosted by everyone I message afterwards, hence why I said that the most common advice does not work for me

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry to hear this. People can be cold, and not nice at all irl. I always stayed pretty much by myself in life. Friends started happening for me when l divorced.

 

[Misty Avich]

I would be able to form deep connections if people gave me a chance. I was always able to have deep connections with close family members and my husband, so it's not like I'm incapable (and they're NTs). I guess I have formed a deep connection with a few friends in my lifetime but it still doesn't seem to happen as much as it should.

I get frustrated and angry about it, because I don't want to be "someone who can't make friends well", so when I find myself being excluded from a group who could have been my friends, it more or less confirms it, and I feel very low, like a social failure. That's part of the reason I have RSD.

 

[AprilR]

That's me as well. Its prob because i am always masking with everyone so it is not a real person they are seeing. From what i know you have to be let other people see your true self to form deep connections.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Aside from that, that most of the tips that you get for making deep connections don't ever work on you?

I can make myself fit in with most groups, but it will never lead to any deeper connections. Even if I try to ask questions, even if I try to invite to do things. I still never manage take my connections to a deeper level, other than just "classmates" or "coworkers".

Anyone else who is like this? What solution did you find?

Exactly. Plenty of good acquaintances, co-workers, people you might even enjoy being around and conversing with, but never a deep, meaningful bond.

I tell my wife I love her several times a day, but deep down I also know that I probably don't feel love like she feels love. I've put pretty much all of my emotional energy into her, but to be honest, I don't have that much emotional energy to start with. I have two sons, I love them in my own way, but there has also been this "glass box" around me where I cannot bond with them like some other fathers and sons.

Intellectually, I understand the physiology of this, common to many autistics, the altered communication pathways between the thalamus-to-hypothalamus-to-posterior pituitary and resultant lack of oxytocin and vasopressin hormone release. Intellectually, I understand what it may take to create and keep those bonds, friendships, marriages, etc. but because I have to actively and purposefully think about it and act it out, it almost comes off as intellectual work instead of something that just naturally happens. My brain simply doesn't think about people, but rather everything but people. I don't miss anyone. Out-of-sight, out-of-mind. When we are together, we can have a great time, but we aren't going to be meaningful friends. Nothing personal, it doesn't have anything to do with "liking or loving", I'm just not "wired up" for it.

I try to be an "outward" thinker. Random acts of kindness. Professional and personal recognition. Gratefulness. Politeness. Respect. So, regardless of whether or not I can become bonded with someone, at least they have a sense that I am a good person to be around and are at least friendly.

I can't allow myself to ruminate over my personal inabilities. I cannot allow myself to become angry and frustrated, envious and jealous, depressed and anxious. I just focus on what I can do and leave it at that. I know my limitations. I know how to adapt. I know I will never have what other people have, but I am grateful for what I do have. I focus on my strengths and make efforts to improve what I am not good at. I've accepted my autism and what that means socially and communicatively. In many ways, I really don't want to be like a neurotypical, albeit sometimes there's moments where it would be nice. Pros and cons.

 

[Levitat0r]

Aside from that, that most of the tips that you get for making deep connections don't ever work on you?

I can make myself fit in with most groups, but it will never lead to any deeper connections. Even if I try to ask questions, even if I try to invite to do things. I still never manage take my connections to a deeper level, other than just "classmates" or "coworkers".

Anyone else who is like this? What solution did you find?

I am very consistently unable to make deep connections. It's been very rare and only due to a stroke of luck (fate), and then from there nothing for years and years. My solution is... dorks! Go find other rejects and be friends. Its very rewarding to discover how much you have in common with other people who live kicked to the curb and who have given up their vanity. You have the same problems, and complaints, and without social pressure, you tend to be rather frank and direct. Go find someone with an obvious disability and love them. It has a Biblical basis, too, and you might assume it's about charity, but it's also the favor you do yourself because it's who you will relate to.

 

[Misty Avich]

Often I wonder where or even how I go so wrong when interacting. I don't info-dump or bombard people with facts or come across as a know-all (because I actually don't know much about much fact-wise), and I don't have one or two special subjects that I talk about, and I don't monologue or speak in an unemotional tone, and I don't keep asking questions, and I make normal eye contact, don't stand too close, and I am a good listener so I don't interrupt people or abruptly change the subject. So I'm never sure why I don't make friends that well. It's always been the same, ever since I was about 10 or 11. Some Aspies do make friends better than me. I'm a non-stereotypical, atypical, non-obvious Aspie, but with my social life outside of family or marriage I might as well be a person with more classic autism.

And please don't anyone say ''but how do you know you're not more autistic than you think?'' because I hate when people ask that. I just...know, like an instinct. I understand a lot about NTs and social behaviours. It's a bit like when you're someone who's good at spelling (like me), and you write a word that you can't spell but something tells you it's not spelt right, you just know you haven't spelt it right. But for someone who is less adept at spelling, they could spell lots of words without realising they're spelt wrong, but they still know that they don't know how to spell. So I think it's the same with autistics socially, especially when we've been exposed to NTs all our lives and are capable of picking up on social cues rather successfully. This is why I hate being known as 'autistic', because it automatically means 'socially clueless', but I'm not, and never have been, socially clueless. But just because I have this label it means I'm assumed to be socially clueless in real life when interacting on autism sites with other spectrumers.

 

[Aaa111]

Often I wonder where or even how I go so wrong when interacting. I don't info-dump or bombard people with facts or come across as a know-all (because I actually don't know much about much fact-wise), and I don't have one or two special subjects that I talk about, and I don't monologue or speak in an unemotional tone, and I don't keep asking questions, and I make normal eye contact, don't stand too close, and I am a good listener so I don't interrupt people or abruptly change the subject. So I'm never sure why I don't make friends that well. It's always been the same, ever since I was about 10 or 11. Some Aspies do make friends better than me. I'm a non-stereotypical, atypical, non-obvious Aspie, but with my social life outside of family or marriage I might as well be a person with more classic autism.

And please don't anyone say ''but how do you know you're not more autistic than you think?'' because I hate when people ask that. I just...know, like an instinct. I understand a lot about NTs and social behaviours. It's a bit like when you're someone who's good at spelling (like me), and you write a word that you can't spell but something tells you it's not spelt right, you just know you haven't spelt it right. But for someone who is less adept at spelling, they could spell lots of words without realising they're spelt wrong, but they still know that they don't know how to spell. So I think it's the same with autistics socially, especially when we've been exposed to NTs all our lives and are capable of picking up on social cues rather successfully. This is why I hate being known as 'autistic', because it automatically means 'socially clueless', but I'm not, and never have been, socially clueless. But just because I have this label it means I'm assumed to be socially clueless in real life when interacting on autism sites with other spectrumers.

Same here. I have been told "maybe you are more autistic than you think", "maybe your IQ/EQ is lower than you think". These are harmful and very black-and-white assumptions.

 

[jsilver256]

I think there are different levels of friendships here. If you mean people I trust to the extent that I’d start a business with and take a bullet for (and vice-versa), I’m blessed enough to have that. If you mean people who I think about regularly, have the desire to hang out with socially regularly, and remember birthdays, that number is very small, and I have almost no desire to add more to that number. As someone else said in a different thread, my brain just isn’t wired to think of others.

 

[thejuice]

This is exactly it. The only friendships I've made were through playing music or drinking buddies. They weren't deep though and they've all fallen by the wayside when I realised in hindsight the contempt they held me in (their problem not mine).

 

[Nitro]

I think there are different levels of friendships here. If you mean people I trust to the extent that I’d start a business with and take a bullet for (and vice-versa), I’m blessed enough to have that. If you mean people who I think about regularly, have the desire to hang out with socially regularly, and remember birthdays, that number is very small, and I have almost no desire to add more to that number. As someone else said in a different thread, my brain just isn’t wired to think of others.

A good friend will bail you out of jail at any hour.

A true friend will sit next to you in the cell and say something to the effect of "Well this is a fine pickle we got ourselves in, ain't it?"

 

[Levitat0r]

Often I wonder where or even how I go so wrong when interacting. I don't info-dump or bombard people with facts or come across as a know-all (because I actually don't know much about much fact-wise), and I don't have one or two special subjects that I talk about, and I don't monologue or speak in an unemotional tone, and I don't keep asking questions, and I make normal eye contact, don't stand too close, and I am a good listener so I don't interrupt people or abruptly change the subject. So I'm never sure why I don't make friends that well. It's always been the same, ever since I was about 10 or 11. Some Aspies do make friends better than me. I'm a non-stereotypical, atypical, non-obvious Aspie, but with my social life outside of family or marriage I might as well be a person with more classic autism.

And please don't anyone say ''but how do you know you're not more autistic than you think?'' because I hate when people ask that. I just...know, like an instinct. I understand a lot about NTs and social behaviours. It's a bit like when you're someone who's good at spelling (like me), and you write a word that you can't spell but something tells you it's not spelt right, you just know you haven't spelt it right. But for someone who is less adept at spelling, they could spell lots of words without realising they're spelt wrong, but they still know that they don't know how to spell. So I think it's the same with autistics socially, especially when we've been exposed to NTs all our lives and are capable of picking up on social cues rather successfully. This is why I hate being known as 'autistic', because it automatically means 'socially clueless', but I'm not, and never have been, socially clueless. But just because I have this label it means I'm assumed to be socially clueless in real life when interacting on autism sites with other spectrumers.

Well. It makes sense not to advertise to the world because you don't want to be defined by some mental trait. I think it makes more sense in a place like this, where you're very plainly addressing the need to interact with like people for whatever reason.

I don't think I can say for myself how I'm performing at any of those metrics. As you allude, you're aware that those are the kinds of things you might be prone to "misspell", so you're conscious of those concerns until you feel like you're doing it right, but that doesn't mean you are, because it's subtle, it's about convention, and it's about intuition. The problem I always point out is that your friends think you're normal enough and that's why they're your friends. The countless people who dismiss you, and walk away from you, and deny you participation in society; they're not going to tell you how to improve because the fundamental problem is that you put them off and they don't think you're worthwhile, so it's a catch-22. It's those tactless kids from school who hadn't learned how to conceal their nastiness who were telling you the truth, kind or not. They told me I'm a space cadet who "is not all there". There's no fixing that. It also doesn't need to be fixed. People think I look unengaged precisely because I'm engaged. If I engage myself to change that, guesss what, that would make me even more of a space cadet in both the real and imagined senses, because now I'm wasting my energy. It's a very long-winded way of rationalizing self-acceptance, and remembering that if your "problem" is that your cognition is different, you're not going to think your way out of such a non-problem. You already think or do consciousness in the manner that works for you.

 

[Levitat0r]

A good friend will bail you out of jail at any hour.

A true friend will sit next to you in the cell and say something to the effect of "Well this is a fine pickle we got ourselves in, ain't it?"

Oh, I know people who belong in jail, and they're often the ones who do the judging.

 

[_Gawain_]

I've had, somehow, a few friendships and relationships that I would say were deep to some degree or another.

But I've never been able to have just like casual friends or acquaintances, it just feels pointless, like if there's isn't an emotional and/or intellectual connection then what's the point?

 

[Misty Avich]

Same here. I have been told "maybe you are more autistic than you think", "maybe your IQ/EQ is lower than you think". These are harmful and very black-and-white assumptions.

Yes, I think we know ourselves more than what strangers on an internet forum do.

I don't really know how I come across in appearance or physical actions, but I definitely know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and what other people are doing and feeling. To me it's easy.
If you laid out a 500-piece puzzle for me to build, I'd need to use lots of focus and brain muscle to work out where the pieces go, but being around people doesn't require that for me. I just instinctively know. Shyness and lack of confidence are what stands in my way, which is known as social awkwardness, not social cluelessness.

 

[Levitat0r]

Yes, I think we know ourselves more than what strangers on an internet forum do.

I don't really know how I come across in appearance or physical actions, but I definitely know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and what other people are doing and feeling. To me it's easy.
If you laid out a 500-piece puzzle for me to build, I'd need to use lots of focus and brain muscle to work out where the pieces go, but being around people doesn't require that for me. I just instinctively know. Shyness and lack of confidence are what stands in my way, which is known as social awkwardness, not social cluelessness.

Well, in my experience, I know what I intend to be doing, but I don't know how it outwardly looks, from an aesthetic perspective. It takes a different amount of focus, in different places or aspects, than for other people, and it causes you to look different. They think you look silly, because your process is different even though you're nominally doing the same thing. That's how social failure due to autism works. It's not because your gross actions were different, it's because people can tell you processed it differently, and that looks silly or unintelligent to them.

That maybe approaches a technical definition of where "style" comes from. Continuing in the lifestyle, undoubtedly.