Anyone else who can form surface level connections, but not deeper connections?

[Aaa111]

I think there are different levels of friendships here. If you mean people I trust to the extent that I’d start a business with and take a bullet for (and vice-versa), I’m blessed enough to have that. If you mean people who I think about regularly, have the desire to hang out with socially regularly, and remember birthdays, that number is very small, and I have almost no desire to add more to that number. As someone else said in a different thread, my brain just isn’t wired to think of others.

What is the difference between the former and the latter? It sounds like you described close friends in both cases. Not being dismissive but I find it hard to tell differences between the levels :/

 

[Levitat0r]

A Level 100 friend is really formidable and advantageous for battling the final boss.

 

[jsilver256]

What is the difference between the former and the latter? It sounds like you described close friends in both cases. Not being dismissive but I find it hard to tell differences between the levels :/

Trusted coworkers vs. friends might be a better way to describe it. My industry isn't that big and I've largely worked with the same people even across different employers.

 

[Levitat0r]

Seem to have achieved Friend Level; Disappointing

And you know what? It's my fault. It doesn't matter how much I tell myself that I ran out of coping reserves, there's always that feeling you could have tried harder or summoned the courage to not fall apart. But still, I did. I'm in a hole I can never dig myself out of, and not even saints reach that far down. I hate my life. Utterly and completely.

 

[jsilver256]

Seem to have achieved Friend Level; Disappointing

And you know what? It's my fault. It doesn't matter how much I tell myself that I ran out of coping reserves, there's always that feeling you could have tried harder or summoned the courage to not fall apart. But still, I did. I'm in a hole I can never dig myself out of, and not even saints reach that far down. I hate my life. Utterly and completely.

Why do you say Disappointing?

 

[Levitat0r]

Why do you say Disappointing?

It's not romantic or attractive to be a disaster.

 

[jsilver256]

It's not romantic or attractive to be a disaster.

I don't know anything about your personal situation, but I'm sorry you are feeling down tonight and I'll pray for you.

 

[Levitat0r]

I don't know anything about your personal situation, but I'm sorry you are feeling down tonight and I'll pray for you.

It seems I needed more prayers, because things promptly got worse tonight.

 

[thejuice]

Well. It makes sense not to advertise to the world because you don't want to be defined by some mental trait. I think it makes more sense in a place like this, where you're very plainly addressing the need to interact with like people for whatever reason.

I don't think I can say for myself how I'm performing at any of those metrics. As you allude, you're aware that those are the kinds of things you might be prone to "misspell", so you're conscious of those concerns until you feel like you're doing it right, but that doesn't mean you are, because it's subtle, it's about convention, and it's about intuition. The problem I always point out is that your friends think you're normal enough and that's why they're your friends. The countless people who dismiss you, and walk away from you, and deny you participation in society; they're not going to tell you how to improve because the fundamental problem is that you put them off and they don't think you're worthwhile, so it's a catch-22. It's those tactless kids from school who hadn't learned how to conceal their nastiness who were telling you the truth, kind or not. They told me I'm a space cadet who "is not all there". There's no fixing that. It also doesn't need to be fixed. People think I look unengaged precisely because I'm engaged. If I engage myself to change that, guesss what, that would make me even more of a space cadet in both the real and imagined senses, because now I'm wasting my energy. It's a very long-winded way of rationalizing self-acceptance, and remembering that if your "problem" is that your cognition is different, you're not going to think your way out of such a non-problem. You already think or do consciousness in the manner that works for you.

I was told im "not all there" too! and one time someone told me "youve put your human chip in today". If I ever took exception i was told i "was acting like a girl". (sorry to any women) I think they call that gaslighting! The things youll put up with to 'have friends' as an adolescent/ young man. They were mid/late 20s!! Im glad I grew out of that need, things really change after 25.

 

[Misty Avich]

I got called annoying and backward, so all my childhood I believed I was stupid. I still do now. Luckily I've never been called robotic or psychopathic. I think I'd rather be called dumb than psychopathic or robotic. I have a phobia of robots so I do not want to be compared to a robot (luckily I've always expressed emotions way too much to be known as robotic), and I hate being compared to a psychopath because most people hate psychopaths. It's why I freak out whenever people mention that E-word to me when on the subject of autism.

 

[Au Naturel]

Aside from that, that most of the tips that you get for making deep connections don't ever work on you?

I can make myself fit in with most groups, but it will never lead to any deeper connections. Even if I try to ask questions, even if I try to invite to do things. I still never manage take my connections to a deeper level, other than just "classmates" or "coworkers".

Anyone else who is like this? What solution did you find?

It is an occupational hazard of being autistic because we don't get the social side of it. Social bonding is what creates connections and a sense of groupiness. There are NTs like that too, but it does seem to be an autistic specialty.

 

[thejuice]

I got called annoying and backward, so all my childhood I believed I was stupid. I still do now. Luckily I've never been called robotic or psychopathic. I think I'd rather be called dumb than psychopathic or robotic. I have a phobia of robots so I do not want to be compared to a robot (luckily I've always expressed emotions way too much to be known as robotic), and I hate being compared to a psychopath because most people hate psychopaths. It's why I freak out whenever people mention that E-word to me when on the subject of autism.

What did you think they meant by backward??
Yeah that human chip comment was very hurtful and nasty. But he was systematically trying to break me down and destroy my whole personality so.

 

[Misty Avich]

What did you think they meant by backward??
Yeah that human chip comment was very hurtful and nasty. But he was systematically trying to break me down and destroy my whole personality so.

I'm sorry such mean jerks said that to you. Yet we're the ones who lack empathy?

Backward means "retard" or low IQ. It's not been said to me much but I was known as the "least intelligent kid in the class" all through high school.

I remember when I was about 11 in art class, the most popular girl in the class was asked to help me (she wasn't a nasty girl or anything). But I accidentally squirted paint all down her white school shirt, and she began panicking because she'd got her other school shirt dirty for whatever reason and said her mum would kill her if she came home again with another dirty shirt. So I pictured her when she got home telling an angry mum "look, it honestly wasn't my fault, it was the retarded kid in my class who did it." While I don't blame her if she'd said something along the lines of that, I do wish I wasn't the one who had to be the "retarded kid". I just wanted to be normal like all the other kids. It's not fair.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Aside from that, that most of the tips that you get for making deep connections don't ever work on you?

I can make myself fit in with most groups, but it will never lead to any deeper connections. Even if I try to ask questions, even if I try to invite to do things. I still never manage take my connections to a deeper level, other than just "classmates" or "coworkers".

Anyone else who is like this? What solution did you find?

Yes
I find it hard on a friendship level.
I like touch and deep connections with others.
I feel I think great when I am touched intimately by someone I trust as long as they are available.
Sometimes this feels better on a romantic relationship level.
Because it is just closer and just you get more attention.
But it has to be someone I feel safe with and trust to do it.
That is where childhood trauma is hard to recover from because if you do not get touch and affection and attention from parents if you need it at other times and are not ready for a full time commitment then it is damn difficult.
I will just say it here not to be judgmental but so people know my truth. I see nothing wrong with these things but I was never asexual or demisexual or anything like that as a young person. I had crushes and viewed sensuality and attraction as normal.
If you are those things there is nothing wrong with it but I had a normal 21 year olds view of sexuality.
This may sound judgmental if you are these things then that is fine but not all neurodivergent people may be different with their sexuality.
Some of my cousins may not be. It certainly was not my experience as a young person
But if you are, that is ok too.

 

[NB79]

I believe 2 'normal' people in a bar talking would make a deeper connection in 10 minutes than i ever got in my life.
Is like sadistic even this autistic thing, when i feel like that, and i think is accurate.