Anyone else's family seem to have trouble with simple communication?

[umbrellabeach]

This happens ALL THE TIME in my family. If something important comes up, either no one tells me, I have to ask them myself if I suspect something; or they wait until the last minute to tell me. Yesterday was a prime example of such things, most notably the fact that because both of my brothers were at work, Mom decided I'd be on my own for dinner, but she didn't tell me. She stayed upstairs and had leftovers while I stayed in my room until 7. Sometimes we have dinner around 6:30 instead of 6 so I didn't think much of it at first, but when I noticed it was almost 7, I suspected that something was up. I heard the TV on upstairs and my dad come home, no clattering of dishes, no one calling me, so I figured everything out and just didn't have dinner. Today I brought that up to Mom and she just started yelling at me, claiming the reason she didn't tell me was that she had leftovers and I don't care for leftovers.

How hard would it have been for her to either come down or e-mail me saying I'd be on my own for dinner? That seems to be an incredibly simple thing to do. I've been on my own for dinner dozens of times and it's been fine because I was informed at an hour that was not late. It's true that I am capable of making my own meals, but I. NEED. TO. BE. TOLD. OTHERWISE I EXPECT ROUTINE. Making someone's day different and not telling them is exactly the same as standing them up!

Why is that so hard for people to understand?????????? And apparently I'm the one with communication problems because I'm an Aspie??? What a load of garbage.

And of course if I tried telling my mom all this she'd just start yelling again. There's no hope for people like her.

 

[toothless]

yes,i have a lot of trouble with this,with support staff to not just family.
if family or support staff arent telling me about an appointment the day before it happens [and earlier] i have a massive meltdown and end up being unable to go because my anxiety and behaviors are so great.
i have often been told,'oh by the way,youve got a doctors appointment in half an hour.' f- you.

with family,they never tell me what time my other family are going to be there so i end up missing them,then the family end up being nasty to me saying ive been lying in bed all day [not true],my dad just did it tonight on the phone he says my sister is coming to his tomorow,now i have two problems-i dont know the time shes coming and, she is going to be expecting a birthday present such as an xbox one game for the bro in law, i simply cant afford it this week,had to buy mr shadows expensive medication,bought a large ghost knife fish for my tank,bought the entire family decent easter eggs and easter presents,then i find out my sister is on a 'no sugar' diet and doesnt want the expensive egg i bought her,you could have told me yeh?

 

[Blast off]

Until I was diagnosed, my wife would pull surprises like this on me all the time, then wonder why I was freaking out about it. Now with a diagnosis, she seems to be more understanding about this aspect of me and tells me well in advance of changes. Of course there are always random changes within certain days, especially with my job, but I have to just deal with those. Anyways, I feel your pain. Especially about being screamed at, and that you are somehow the bad communicator. That always pissed me off.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Until I was diagnosed, my wife would pull surprises like this on me all the time, then wonder why I was freaking out about it. Now with a diagnosis, she seems to be more understanding about this aspect of me and tells me well in advance of changes. Of course there are always random changes within certain days, especially with my job, but I have to just deal with those. Anyways, I feel your pain. Especially about being screamed at, and that you are somehow the bad communicator. That always pissed me off.

It's funny because my mom is the one who diagnosed me in the first place. Even though she was right for once, I guess she thinks it's nothing more than a little social awkwardness and special interests. Other than that, I'm 'normal' to her.

 

[pax]

My husband is great, my family of origin are so hopeless, and at times damn manipulative, I've thought: "Are these people on crack?"

Weird things they would do:
*Not tell me about some get together until the day before
*Decide the week before christmas that everyone is putting in to buy my brother's baby a present. I had already bought him a present and said i wouldn't be putting in because of this, (and I would rather saw my arm off than be in a department store the day before christmas.) They bought him the bigger, more expensive, deluxe version of what I had bought.
*Say x when they mean Y, then get upset that you didn't realise they met Y, or Z'.
* Generally not told what is going on, and contacted when they want something from me.
* Accuse me of things I haven't done, based on motives I haven't had, even after I'd tried to explain the situation.
* Stood me up on many occasions.
I don't speak to many of them anymore, and they can't work out why

 

[Questella]

Just always assume you're on your own for dinner at 6:30, if they make something to share great otherwise whatever. Can you keep a few microwave items on hand or canned soup you could easily or quickly make?

If you're not there actively engaging with them they're probably going to assume you're going to get something for yourself. Maybe you could find a couple delivery places that have low cost items like subs/ sandwiches/hoagies or such you could get two meals from?

I've long given up on family meals, unless we go out or I make it (and I'm really much too ADD to cook) he's going to make himself a meal will feed the kid but won't say anything to me. I'm old-school and breaking that family meal time was a huge hit for me but I'm trying to adjust without having meltdowns about it.

 

[Questella]

yes,i have a lot of trouble with this,with support staff to not just family.
if family or support staff arent telling me about an appointment the day before it happens [and earlier] i have a massive meltdown and end up being unable to go because my anxiety and behaviors are so great.
i have often been told,'oh by the way,youve got a doctors appointment in half an hour.' f- you.

with family,they never tell me what time my other family are going to be there so i end up missing them,then the family end up being nasty to me saying ive been lying in bed all day [not true],my dad just did it tonight on the phone he says my sister is coming to his tomorow,now i have two problems-i dont know the time shes coming and, she is going to be expecting a birthday present such as an xbox one game for the bro in law, i simply cant afford it this week,had to buy mr shadows expensive medication,bought a large ghost knife fish for my tank,bought the entire family decent easter eggs and easter presents,then i find out my sister is on a 'no sugar' diet and doesnt want the expensive egg i bought her,you could have told me yeh?

She needs to graciously accept it and share it with a friend if need be, don't be a prude, geez.

 

[pax]

I've always done most of the cooking, so not being notified of dinner was never an issue. Maybe just ask them.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I would have asked if I didn't think my mom would be yelling at me as soon as I showed my face. We'd already had an argument (also about something she didn't notify me of properly, big surprise there) so I didn't want to talk to her at all if I could help it.

Usually if I'm on my own for dinner I'm notified, either by one of my brothers or my mom. More often by my brothers because my mom sends them down to my room rather than making the long, hard journey (<-sarcasm) herself. This is routine. It's what I've come to expect. Yesterday my mom didn't tell me anything because she was being petty. I bet if my brothers had been home they would all just have had dinner without telling me (which has also happened before, twice).

My new rule is just as petty, to be honest. From now on, if I'm on my own but not told in advance, I won't have dinner at all, even if I figure it out, because I usually figure it out late anyway. And I usually have a snack later, as routine, which is why I'm so averse to late dinners unless my day's already out of routine.

I told Mom that and she was all like, "Fine! Whatever! You're an adult, that's your choice!" And yet, last week she was lecturing me about how I need to find a new way to get exercise and sun now that I'm unemployed. So apparently I should go outside and run around all day but I shouldn't eat.

I've made a lot of soup for myself recently either on Sunday evenings (when everyone is routinely on their own) or after being told I'm on my own. Only problem is the stove is upstairs, where my horrible family also is.
Although apparently (just looked it up), you can make soup in a rice cooker...? That's an interesting idea. And my favorite brand, Campbell's, is like $1 a can. I'll have to buy my own dishes too, then take them up to the dishwasher late at night, then take them back down in the morning.
Or maybe hand wash them in the bathroom with Dawn because our dishwasher makes dishes smell like fish when they're fresh out. I think it's the heat dry setting making it do that but no one wants to change it.
(Just also looked up rice cookers on Amazon and they're actually not too expensive either! )

All because my family can't be bothered to say six simple words.

 

[Questella]

I would have asked if I didn't think my mom would be yelling at me as soon as I showed my face. We'd already had an argument (also about something she didn't notify me of properly, big surprise there) so I didn't want to talk to her at all if I could help it.

Usually if I'm on my own for dinner I'm notified, either by one of my brothers or my mom. More often by my brothers because my mom sends them down to my room rather than making the long, hard journey (<-sarcasm) herself. This is routine. It's what I've come to expect. Yesterday my mom didn't tell me anything because she was being petty. I bet if my brothers had been home they would all just have had dinner without telling me (which has also happened before, twice).

My new rule is just as petty, to be honest. From now on, if I'm on my own but not told in advance, I won't have dinner at all, even if I figure it out, because I usually figure it out late anyway. And I usually have a snack later, as routine, which is why I'm so averse to late dinners unless my day's already out of routine.

I told Mom that and she was all like, "Fine! Whatever! You're an adult, that's your choice!" And yet, last week she was lecturing me about how I need to find a new way to get exercise and sun now that I'm unemployed. So apparently I should go outside and run around all day but I shouldn't eat.

I've made a lot of soup for myself recently either on Sunday evenings (when everyone is routinely on their own) or after being told I'm on my own. Only problem is the stove is upstairs, where my horrible family also is.
Although apparently (just looked it up), you can make soup in a rice cooker...? That's an interesting idea. And my favorite brand, Campbell's, is like $1 a can. I'll have to buy my own dishes too, then take them up to the dishwasher late at night, then take them back down in the morning.
Or maybe hand wash them in the bathroom with Dawn because our dishwasher makes dishes smell like fish when they're fresh out. I think it's the heat dry setting making it do that but no one wants to change it.
(Just also looked up rice cookers on Amazon and they're actually not too expensive either! )

All because my family can't be bothered to say six simple words.

You can get a single burner unit to plug into a wall socket or a crock pot also. If you like stuff that just requires hot water you can get a simple water boiler that'll boil water hot hot and then you can use it to mix in soup or tea (I use this to cook in my room sometimes when dude is being ugh) I think I only paid 15$ for it at big Lots. It's like a pitcher with a base it plugs into/sits on, very nifty.

 

[umbrellabeach]

You can get a single burner unit to plug into a wall socket or a crock pot also. If you like stuff that just requires hot water you can get a simple water boiler that'll boil water hot hot and then you can use it to mix in soup or tea (I use this to cook in my room sometimes when dude is being ugh) I think I only paid 15$ for it at big Lots. It's like a pitcher with a base it plugs into/sits on, very nifty.

Holy crap, I had no idea such things existed (well, the individual burner anyway). Guess I'm stuck in the past lol.

 

[xudo]

If you like stuff that just requires hot water you can get a simple water boiler that'll boil water hot hot and then you can use it to mix in soup or tea (I use this to cook in my room sometimes when dude is being ugh) I think I only paid 15$ for it at big Lots. It's like a pitcher with a base it plugs into/sits on, very nifty.

Sounds like a kettle to me. I have a friend from the US and when she came to visit, she was like wtf is that?? I'm like...it's a kettle...everyone has one.. She didn't understand why we didn't have a coffee machine.

Something like this?

 

[pax]

Sounds like a kettle to me. I have a friend from the US and when she came to visit, she was like wtf is that?? I'm like...it's a kettle...everyone has one.. She didn't understand why we didn't have a coffee machine.

Something like this?

View attachment 33181

Really! They'd never seen a kettle before????

 

[Kirsty]

Wtf. I thought everyone had a kettle. That's what came to my mind too. I even have a kettle in my bedroom and a toaster so I can avoid people in the kitchen. I like to buy a proper coffee in town so it gives me a way to go out and do something. I'd be so bored if I had a coffee machine sipping at home. Come to think of it, my folks have a small coffee machine and a kettle.

 

[xudo]

Really! They'd never seen a kettle before????

Yeah, she was like I don't know anyone who has one of those

Wtf. I thought everyone had a kettle. That's what came to my mind too. I even have a kettle in my bedroom and a toaster so I can avoid people in the kitchen. I like to buy a proper coffee in town so it gives me a way to go out and do something. I'd be so bored if I had a coffee machine sipping at home. Come to think of it, my folks have a small coffee machine and a kettle.

We do have a tassimo machine and a kettle, because the tassimo can't be used to just put hot water in say, a cuppa soup and we did have the kettle first.

This is the sort of thing she meant:


I was like...the only time I've ever seen one of these is on TV. I don't know anyone who has one of these at home instead of a kettle.

 

[Kirsty]

We do have a tassimo machine and a kettle, because the tassimo can't be used to just put hot water in say, a cuppa soup and we did have the kettle first.

This is the sort of thing she meant:
View attachment 33185

Yes. This is the same type of machine my folks have.

Right. I was picturing she meant an all-in-one type of machine like the ones you see in cafes which includes the hot water sticky-out bit on the side.

 

[WWellen]

As the PARENT I am accused of this as well by my adult son on the spectrum. Since I know this is upsetting to him I try to make a point to tell him in advance if there will be a change of some kind BUT sometimes I forget too!! A way we have worked to fix this is to make HIM more responsible for things like his meals (he doesn't eat what we eat anyway) and laundry. Next for him will be making and controlling appointments. Soon he will be working (hopefully) and that will be another responsibility. Communication is NOT just an issue in the aspie world believe me, it's in all relationships. We do need to remember that we are all human and if mistakes are made we find ways to correct them without being mean or hostile. I hope you can work this out with your family. Thanks for posting, this sort of affirms what my son is trying to tell me when he gets upset about this kind of stuff. And for the record he does this to ME too....forgets to tell me about things with his school program or social group! Best of luck!

 

[Judge]

As the PARENT I am accused of this as well by my adult son on the spectrum. Since I know this is upsetting to him I try to make a point to tell him in advance if there will be a change of some kind BUT sometimes I forget too!! A way we have worked to fix this is to make HIM more responsible for things like his meals (he doesn't eat what we eat anyway) and laundry. Next for him will be making and controlling appointments. Soon he will be working (hopefully) and that will be another responsibility. Communication is NOT just an issue in the aspie world believe me, it's in all relationships. We do need to remember that we are all human and if mistakes are made we find ways to correct them without being mean or hostile. I hope you can work this out with your family. Thanks for posting, this sort of affirms what my son is trying to tell me when he gets upset about this kind of stuff. And for the record he does this to ME too....forgets to tell me about things with his school program or social group! Best of luck!

Good points. In all fairness this is the sort of thing that really can reflect a divide been the Neurotypical and the Neurodiverse. That ability to navigate dynamic environments relative to planned and/or unplanned events, which I suspect many but not all NTs may tend to take for granted. "Go with the flow" so to speak. Which may be quite an alien concept for many of us on the spectrum.

Where disappointment and frustration can so easily enter into the equation when plans are altered or scuttled for whatever reasons. It didn't help in my own case where it wasn't my nature to socially interact constantly with my own family. So yes, I sometimes wasn't up to speed on recent changes inside the family. Could I have done better had I been self-aware at the time? I'm not sure, to be honest.

I have to admit, this post has made me look back and realize that I was somewhat isolated even within my own family to some extent. I just wish my parents would have lived long enough for us to discuss such issues as an adult.

Though now that I think about it, being raised in a military family it may have been a positive thing to my parents for me not to ask too many questions about much of anything.

 

[SteveH]

This happens ALL THE TIME in my family. If something important comes up, either no one tells me, I have to ask them myself if I suspect something; or they wait until the last minute to tell me. Yesterday was a prime example of such things, most notably the fact that because both of my brothers were at work, Mom decided I'd be on my own for dinner, but she didn't tell me. She stayed upstairs and had leftovers while I stayed in my room until 7. Sometimes we have dinner around 6:30 instead of 6 so I didn't think much of it at first, but when I noticed it was almost 7, I suspected that something was up. I heard the TV on upstairs and my dad come home, no clattering of dishes, no one calling me, so I figured everything out and just didn't have dinner. Today I brought that up to Mom and she just started yelling at me, claiming the reason she didn't tell me was that she had leftovers and I don't care for leftovers.

How hard would it have been for her to either come down or e-mail me saying I'd be on my own for dinner? That seems to be an incredibly simple thing to do. I've been on my own for dinner dozens of times and it's been fine because I was informed at an hour that was not late. It's true that I am capable of making my own meals, but I. NEED. TO. BE. TOLD. OTHERWISE I EXPECT ROUTINE. Making someone's day different and not telling them is exactly the same as standing them up!

Why is that so hard for people to understand?????????? And apparently I'm the one with communication problems because I'm an Aspie??? What a load of garbage.

Such a great posts! THANKS for sharing that. It just gave me a ton of insight to my own issues/past. I feel your pain.
My father is a explosive short-tempered man. If he called me from another room twice, and I did not immediately answer/arrive, he would walk up right behind me and in anger yell', "STEVEN RICE, YOU ANSWER ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!" I have a bad SPD startle response and would immediately become shocked/startled/freaked and shake and cry--and of course not be able to muster any kind of immediate coherent response.(and that was when I was 17!!Joke! ) (actually not joking ). But so many memories of, "hey mom, why didn't you call me when dinner was ready?" "I did." She probably did--but obviously did not try very hard either.

On this note, I want to give a special appreciation to all the autism-spectrum/SPD parents on this sight who are trying to learn and understand--especially the ones without issues themselves. You are all great. Never stop trying.

I feel your pain with your family. Family members should set a higher standard to support each other.

 

[umbrellabeach]

As the PARENT I am accused of this as well by my adult son on the spectrum. Since I know this is upsetting to him I try to make a point to tell him in advance if there will be a change of some kind BUT sometimes I forget too!! A way we have worked to fix this is to make HIM more responsible for things like his meals (he doesn't eat what we eat anyway) and laundry. Next for him will be making and controlling appointments. Soon he will be working (hopefully) and that will be another responsibility. Communication is NOT just an issue in the aspie world believe me, it's in all relationships. We do need to remember that we are all human and if mistakes are made we find ways to correct them without being mean or hostile. I hope you can work this out with your family. Thanks for posting, this sort of affirms what my son is trying to tell me when he gets upset about this kind of stuff. And for the record he does this to ME too....forgets to tell me about things with his school program or social group! Best of luck!

I wish it was just forgetting with my mom. But she did it on purpose the other day. And if I try to work it out she'll just yell at me more. So I don't think there's any hope for her. She simply can't handle anything calmly.