Anyone else's family seem to have trouble with simple communication?

[Judge]

I wish it was just forgetting with my mom. But she did it on purpose the other day. And if I try to work it out she'll just yell at me more. So I don't think there's any hope for her. She simply can't handle anything calmly.

I suspect what may bother you a great deal is that while she was insightful enough to speculate that you are on the spectrum, that it never had any relevance towards whether she could actually deal and successfully interact with someone on the spectrum. That in essence the two concepts in her case are mutually exclusive. I could see how that would frustrate you to no end. It would certainly bother me.

It sounds like despite what she thinks she understands about you, that she still defaults to her NT perspective of how things should be in her mind. That she still expects it to be incumbent upon yourself to know what is happening in the family socially from one hour to the next. Whether you can actually improve on such a dynamic is up to you. But as I posted earlier, in my own case I'm not sure I could either. That I really can become quite isolated, even within a family unit.

For them I suspect it's a very simple thing to ask. For us, maybe not so simple at all.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I suspect what may bother you a great deal is that while she was insightful enough to speculate that you are on the spectrum, that it never had any relevance towards whether she could actually deal and successfully interact with someone on the spectrum. That in essence the two concepts in her case are mutually exclusive. I could see how that would frustrate you to no end. It would certainly bother me.

It sounds like despite what she thinks she understands about you, that she still defaults to her NT perspective of how things should be in her mind. That she still expects it to be incumbent upon yourself to know what is happening in the family socially from one hour to the next. Whether you can actually improve on such a dynamic is up to you. But as I posted earlier, in my own case I'm not sure I could either. That I really can become quite isolated, even within a family unit.

For them I suspect it's a very simple thing to ask. For us, maybe not so simple at all.

I think she'd be able to deal if I weren't her kid. She's nicer to and more supportive of other people because she doesn't want to be considered "rude" by them. Has to keep up that good image and get outside approval. So I think it's selective, not necessarily something she can't help.

One time a few years ago my dad was lecturing me about some crap and he said I should treat him and Mom like customers at my (old) workplace since I wasn't "rude" to them. But they never treated me like the Hispanics they were so incredibly kind to and patient with at church. People are nice to people with different skin colore but not different neurologies.

Just double standards all around.

 

[Mia]

Don't know if I would call it double standards, think that familiarity breeds a certain amount of contempt in family groups. Especially if as an adult you seem to rely on someone else to make your meals. As if you were a child, instead of an adult with a job.

Don't blame your neurology for being unable to take responsibility for yourself. When my Mother made meals everyone contributed in making something or doing dishes or cutting vegetables after the age of ten or so. No one got away without doing some work to contribute. What that did, for all of us, was foster independence and the ability to do things for ourselves.

 

[Judge]

Don't know if I would call it double standards, think that familiarity breeds a certain amount of contempt in family groups. Especially if as an adult you seem to rely on someone else to make your meals. As if you were a child, instead of an adult with a job.

Good point. One that has little to do with neurological differences. I know firsthand how a parent can get quite "antsy" when their adult child is unemployed yet still living at home.

I had to work- and save money to literally escape that very common scenario.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Don't know if I would call it double standards, think that familiarity breeds a certain amount of contempt in family groups. Especially if as an adult you seem to rely on someone else to make your meals. As if you were a child, instead of an adult with a job.

Don't blame your neurology for being unable to take responsibility for yourself. When my Mother made meals everyone contributed in making something or doing dishes or cutting vegetables after the age of ten or so. No one got away without doing some work to contribute. What that did, for all of us, was foster independence and the ability to do things for ourselves.

I don't think you read this thread properly. We have a routine in my house and I expect it unless told otherwise. When told otherwise, I am perfectly capable of making my own meals. Also, this only applies to dinner, as I typically make my own breakfast and lunch.

Expecting routine and wishing to be notified of changes does not make me a helpless, irresponsible child.

 

[Mia]

It does make you entitled when as an adult you expect such things. If you are capable of making your own meals, at a time that you require and expect as part of a routine.
Then fulfill the routine yourself, don't expect another person to do it for you. That puts the onus on them to fulfill your needs, your desires are yours alone, don't blame them for not doing something that you want.

 

[SteveH]

I don't think you read this thread properly. We have a routine in my house and I expect it unless told otherwise. When told otherwise, I am perfectly capable of making my own meals. Also, this only applies to dinner, as I typically make my own breakfast and lunch.

Expecting routine and wishing to be notified of changes does not make me a helpless, irresponsible child.

I agree with you 100% I don't think that you are asking too much. However, since at this point you know it will happen another 1000 times, try to rewrite you internal script. maybe something like, "HA HA she did it again! Time to sit down and make a plan for dinner!" You may still feel unnerved and freaked out by the sudden change of plan but may feel a bit better--and YOU will be the one controlling/preventing a possible escalation. I'm now coming to terms that there is so much that I really cannot control--like my internal reaction to that sudden change of plans. It just sucks. I'm trying hard to better control what I can as well.

 

[umbrellabeach]

It does make you entitled when as an adult you expect such things. If you are capable of making your own meals, at a time that you require and expect as part of a routine.
Then fulfill the routine yourself, don't expect another person to do it for you. That puts the onus on them to fulfill your needs, your desires are yours alone, don't blame them for not doing something that you want.

So being used to a routine of family meals that my mom enjoys and wanting to be notified of any changes ahead of time so I can actually make my own meals at a decent time instead of like midnight makes me "entitled." Good to know. I'll let my adult brothers and my dad, who also participate in said family meals, know that they're entitled too, and that they should always prepare their own meals forever, every single day in order to grow up, because apparently that's all it fcking takes. Also I'll tell my mom she's ridiculous because when she prepares a family meal she expects everyone to show up because it's routine. Yeah, that's crazy. Who would think everyone would just keep doing what they've been doing for years with no change and not suddenly decide to stop because they're over 18? When you become an adult, obviously the first thing you have to change is your dinner routine, based on your age alone. Everyone automatically knows this. Same way getting a driver's license is literally the only definition of "independent."

All I wanted was to be NOTIFIED OF CHANGES taking a few seconds to say/type a few words but apparently that's an immature, spoiled thing to want. I get it. I see how it is.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

So being used to a routine of family meals that my mom enjoys and wanting to be notified of any changes ahead of time so I can actually make my own meals at a decent time instead of like midnight makes me "entitled." Good to know. I'll let my adult brothers and my dad, who also participate in said family meals, know that they're entitled too, and that they should always prepare their own meals forever, every single day in order to grow up, because apparently that's all it fcking takes. Also I'll tell my mom she's ridiculous because when she prepares a family meal she expects everyone to show up because it's routine. Yeah, that's crazy. Who would think everyone would just keep doing what they've been doing for years with no change and not suddenly decide to stop because they're over 18? When you become an adult, obviously the first thing you have to change is your dinner routine, based on your age alone. Everyone automatically knows this. Same way getting a driver's license is literally the only definition of "independent."

All I wanted was to be NOTIFIED OF CHANGES taking a few seconds to say/type a few words but apparently that's an immature, spoiled thing to want. I get it. I see how it is.

Stepping past the passive aggressiveness you've just demonstrated....

(Please take offence,up the antenna in a response or find a way to learn a lesson your life will be much better)

Read the responses again and try thinking of it in a different way and write your last response again from a position of having learnt something.

People are trying to tell you something here. The response you gave is your standard blocking tactic which prevents learning.

I should know, done it a thousand times. If you can stop doing it after 500 hundred times then you're doing well.

 

[Mary Terry]

Good grief. This seems so easy to resolve. Just ask your mom everyday what the plans are for dinner. Do it at whatever specific time you prefer, allowing plenty of time to make your own dinner in the event she is not planning to cook for you. How about asking her at 2:00 pm on a daily basis what the dinner plans are for that night?

 

[umbrellabeach]

Wow, I come on this forum for support only to get told everything is my fault and that it was right and good of my mom to not tell me. Never mind then.

No, I'm not rewriting my post for you. I'm sarcastic. That's who I am. If you don't like it, get the hell out of my thread.

By the way, sometimes dinner plans aren't decided until the last minute, so asking won't always work.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Wow, I come on this forum for support only to get told everything is my fault and that it was right and good of my mom to not tell me. Never mind then.

No, I'm not rewriting my post for you. I'm sarcastic. That's who I am. If you don't like it, get the hell out of my thread.

By the way, sometimes dinner plans aren't decided until the last minute, so asking won't always work.

Do you ever think you get the wrong end of the stick?

 

[umbrellabeach]

Do you ever think you get the wrong end of the stick?

Sometimes, yeah.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Sometimes, yeah.

Me too!

 

[Judge]

Those of us on the spectrum can certainly appreciate your issues when it comes to the stresses of coexisting with family under the same roof. However as stressful and unfair as it may be, it's unlikely your mother or any other member of your family is going to truly understand or relate to neurologically to comprehensively accommodate you to such a degree.

All compounded by a common theme not relative to your perceived autistic needs. That your parent has financial leverage over you as long as you remain in their household. That your mother likely expects and perhaps even demands that it is your responsibility to pursue the status of evening meals. Even if it's unknown up to the last minute or worse, never even happens.

Instead of dwelling on how inconvenient or unfair this may seem to you at the present, think of it as a practical exercise in how you will eventually have to deal- and inevitably compromise with the outside world which more often than not is likely to be indifferent to your perceived needs. "Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield". A message I wouldn't dream of telling to a child. But you aren't a child. And so you're owed the truth.

In this instance, we are supporting you.

 

[umbrellabeach]

If she expects or demands it, she needs to tell me. As I keep saying, I've made my own meals dozens of times and I'm fine with it if I know ahead of time (or at least on time, as opposed to 7 PM which I consider kind of late to start making it).

Family dinner is currently the normal routine for everyone in our house unless otherwise specified. On weekdays we wait until Dad comes home. If Mom wants to change that and make everyone individually responsible as the norm, she needs to tell me. That's all I want. To be told. I don't even care if I'd have to buy my own dinner supplies from now on. I just need to know.

 

[Judge]

If she expects or demands it, she needs to tell me.

What exactly in your opinion is it that precludes or prevents you from asking her?

If it impacts you to this degree, it is you who needs to be proactive about it. Not her.

But again, bear in mind who has leverage in all of this. It isn't you. This kind of dynamic reminds me of something profound a university professor once tried to impress upon me and the class. That "everything is political". Where even the most benign social interaction can reflect a power struggle. And in this instance it's a power struggle you can't likely win.

 

[umbrellabeach]

What exactly in your opinion is it that precludes or prevents you from asking her?

The other day it was the expectation of getting yelled at.
And not expecting to be on my own.

 

[Judge]

The other day it was the expectation of getting yelled at.
And not expecting to be on my own.

Ah. The proverbial concern of "getting your ass kicked". I know it well.

It's the only real reason that ever motivated me to masking my traits and behaviors as best I could. To avoid that ass-kicking. Of course masking is a very "hit & miss" process for me. No telling how difficult it may be for you. But you owe it to yourself to try. Who knows? It may impress your mother if she sees you attempting to meet her half-way on things. Even if you don't always succeed.

It may come as a surprise to you, but even in the late seventies at your age I could not financially make that break from home either. Even with two college degrees. At your age I sometimes lamented similar thoughts that this might never change. Especially when the job market and economy was so bad at the time. It took a few years, once I had a steady income and job to pay for my own apartment. It wasn't easy, and I had some major setbacks along the way. But that's life. Success for me was NEVER a linear process. And in my sixties, it still isn't.

You aren't alone in this dark place you're at right now. But it won't last. Try to keep that in your heart and mind. You WILL come out of the abyss.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Well, I guess the only way to avoid this happening again is to always assume I'm on my own if Mom and I have another argument. Maybe I'll make a checklist of factors, such as an argument and my brothers being at work. Kind of like how if you're afraid of dogs you're supposed to screen people out for one before going to their house, otherwise they can force you to be around their dog with all its jumping and slobbering. (Someone told me that over Facebook once.)

In the Christian community SO MUCH emphasis is placed on helping and 'encouraging' (a word I find very overused) people, but in reality no one will help you. At least not if your problems are different from the normal, visible ones like family death, illness, injury, job loss, etc. I was alone in the workplace harassment I experienced and I'm alone in this. And people wonder why I'm not constantly socializing.

I'd love to have my own place, set my own routine and not have to deal with my family's stupid drama. The only thing holding me back is money and my inability to earn it because every job requires dealing with people, blind conformity, and kissing managers' butts.