Apparently I should apologise…

[MarcusAuralius]

Try and soften your responses. Sweeten them with sugar and season them with salt. A little tact goes a long way.

I know you just see it as her, and probably a lot of this altercation is her. But it's also you. It takes two to have a relationship.

Try and be kind. That's all I can say.

Yes at least half of this is down to me, and my “way”, and how tactfully I can put it is also down to me to do my best - but she doesn’t get nuance or anecdotal explanations - to quote her she asked for direct information because she doesn’t get social cues or niceties (I mean for an undiagnosed person insistent that she’s NT, she may as well had said she’s exactly as the DSM5 definition says)… so being tactful doesn’t “land” with her - she doesn’t get it.
The bluntness is simply going to be - sorry don’t come back, I know you don’t understand how much you’ve hurt me but that’s enough thanks.

 

[MarcusAuralius]

Bad behavior from anyone should be tolerated no matter their brain wiring or disorder. Then their goes that social aspect were people expect you to be a certain way (masking) and doesnt necessarily coincide with societal norms but that by no means requires an apology.

I have at times argued with my wife over particular situation that she feels I should cave and just "do it because it is what is right" then to differentiate between "what is right" and shifting the essence of who I am to aim for conformity I'm not willing to budge. Or she has said that I use being on the spectrum as a crutch to not do what others want me to do or be a certain way.

With your partner either she can bridge the gap and try to understand and try to make amends or sometimes people grow apart its that simple. If people want to be together they will make sacrifices on some accord and can reason to keep the relationship mutual no matter what hardships they cross.

VI diesel - I absolutely agree and also with your right to be you and be how you want to be and if that’s different to the social norm, then that’s absolutely ok.
To my mind a supporter would lightheartedly coach us on what they think a socially normative response might be, and their perceived benefits (which are likely emotional and not things we need), and we can go, oh I didn’t know that… and that would be cool as they’re sharing their world view and we can have a possibly fun discussion on who’s the silliest to think one is better than the other and we feel supported and we can log that into our “coping and masking” toolkit.
And life goes on nicely…

That would be great. I ask for coaching not judgment, help not instruction.

I particularly like your explanation of gentle stubbornness to be yourself
Being told Aspergers is a crutch to behave badly however resonates that they think it’s a conscious decision to be ourselves which of course is daft. We only have conscious decisions not to be ourselves- ie masking. It would really help if they got their heads around that.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Stop the blame game. I'm not saying it's your fault. But we have to own our shortcomings. Rather than "SHE SHE SHE", just chill. That's her walk. How about YOU? What can YOU do to be a better person for others?

 

[Aspychata]

I think he is being a better person. He came here for brainstorming. Good job.

 

[MarcusAuralius]

Stop the blame game. I'm not saying it's your fault. But we have to own our shortcomings. Rather than "SHE SHE SHE", just chill. That's her walk. How about YOU? What can YOU do to be a better person for others?

yes - I think that is the next step after this particular point , because - well, "She" won't be in the landscape.
It's been 7 years of a long tide withdrawing from me, which she tells me she did on purpose.
7 years BTW is when her perimenopause started - so watch for that one everyone -hormones affect all of us.

 

[MarcusAuralius]

Gotta it, your realization. I give credit for you trying. Sometimes people can't accept truths, our truths, their truths, our together truths. It is what it is.

yep, it is indeed what it is, pining for the fjords.
I just wanted to be a lumberjack....

(for the unaware, that's a monty python reference about the sentimental thoughts of having made different life choices)

 

[Alexej]

So at our first actual conversation since February to discuss things (despite her agreeing to a monthly check-in) - she had the good grace to tell me that I should apologies to people for being autistic.

I mean obviously- because all physically handicapped people should go around apologising for their handicap’s so mentally divergent people should too yeah right ?
As should all left handed people - because it’s apparently offensive.

She said that I should apologise to people when I’m blunt or too detailed or anything I do because I’m ND and it upsets them. Because obviously one of my strengths (#not) is being able to read peoples emotional cues.

So apart from having to scrape my jaw off the floor, and mock her with logic of “but how would I know to apologise?” To which she replied well just assume you have upset them then..

I’m 53, got diagnosed at 52, and I’ve got this far without apologising for being me, at what point should I tell my wife not to bother moving back would probably be the best support she can give me ?

Any tips on the specific language I should use because she told me “don’t hint or make suggestions because I don’t pick up in them I need direct communication so I understand your point” (at which point the irony alarm of quoting the DSM5 diagnostic conditions about herself started to ring the klaxon of doom. ).

I disagree with you having to apologise for being ND. Should she apologise for being NT?

Disability can be caused by the way things are organised which makes it difficult for "otherwise wired" people to function in this world. For example, we are disabling a person going to our church because there are steps and not a ramp. The fact that this individual finds steps hard is not a disability.

For you to assume that you have upset people and then apologise is BS IMHO.

Regarding the last paragraph that you wrote - well read into that what you want, but that says a lot about the speaker..

 

[MarcusAuralius]

I disagree with you having to apologise for being ND. Should she apologise for being NT?

Disability can be caused by the way things are organised which makes it difficult for "otherwise wired" people to function in this world. For example, we are disabling a person going to our church because there are steps and not a ramp. The fact that this individual finds steps hard is not a disability.

For you to assume that you have upset people and then apologise is BS IMHO.

Regarding the last paragraph that you wrote - well read into that what you want, but that says a lot about the speaker..

I'm 99.9% sure shes aspergers, and her own stated difficulties match the DSM5 diagnosis requirements like an arrow. You don't get a female with a photographic memory, triple science and maths A levels, engineering degree, MBA, international logistics consultant, international sportswoman at 16, Military service (REME Officer), mountaineering, introverted, poor socialisation, avoidant eye contact, eye twitching, jaw clenching, stimming, and posture masking, totally no rhythm dancer - without thinking at least once in a blue moon she might be autistic - I wonder what she'd score on the RAADS test (I have her at 147...).

Yes an awesome human being, but so far into denial and with perimenopause over the past 7 years creating ADHD CHAOS, it's just run it's course of her blagging her way out of mistakes - the type she used to use her photographic memory to escape problems with, and becoming more introverted, anxious and paranoid, the loss of executive function and foggy brain, frankly a complete disaster.
It's so bad with the minimum medication HRT she's on - she told the GP, yeah I'm better, so the GP left her to it, even though still being terrible was better than being really terrible, it's nowhere near getting back to superwoman.
I've not heard her laugh properly in 7 years unless she takes a little bit extra HRT which she tried once in december.
And the GP doesn't care, and I think I've finally managed to plead her to go and see a consultant to get regular tests and reviews and adjustments - but even after that - I think she's welcome to being a responsible individual.

I don't need that much self-denial about her psychology, let alone my mental neurodiversity - to exhaust me.

Whilst I'm making allowance based on her being ND without her knowing - which makes for an easier life, it's quite dispiriting to have ones own ND thrown back at you like this.
She's moved out, and based on the general consensus here, she's being pretty nasty about things, so whether she knows it or not, and denial for herself or not - my life is on balance going to be considerably easier without her.
I wish her luck with her HRT, and a return to a life where it was vaguely normal. Hormones - are the main problem here, and that's just life, so best not to get too angry about it, it just is.