Are many neurotypicals too needy or emotional to be in relationships with Aspies & Auties?

[Fridgemagnetman]

I hate that question.
'What's wrong?'

Because in order to answer it, I have to run a diagnostic ie is there anything wrong ? (Sorry there's a long pause which causes offence)

I really just want to shout 'stop making distinctions' as once something is defined it has to be analysed
'How are you?' !!!

Don't ask me that I'm tired, I'm really just trying to exist in an undefined gloop now you've started something!

I try saying 'I'm fine' but it doesn't convince as I have to say it partway through diagnostic checks to try and avoid NT time delay suspicions..

How is everybody?

 

[Pixen]

I know people with Borderline, part of cluster B. In fact I've been labeled with it before too. I'm not manipulative or anything like that. Neither are my friends with it. Don't generalize.

 

[UniqueCreatures]

I think most of the dysfunction in these relationships stems from the differences in expectations of what love is and looks like. You start forming these expectations at a young age based on what you've been taught, observed and experienced. Naturally, it feels as though pieces of a puzzle are missing when many needs and wants go unmet. It's not a neediness, it's what NT's are used to and what their conditioned to. To us, relationships should feel fulfilling, supportive, cohesive, warm, balanced, safe, nurturing and like there is a true partnership.

Studies have shown for many years that children and even adults become emotionally stunted and often fail to thrive when deprived of these basic but very important feelings.

That's why it is not uncommon to hear about NT's having to seek counseling during or after these relationships because it can be traumatizing to not have these basic needs met for an extended period of time.

I honestly don't see how NT/Aspie relationships can really work in the long run without one or the other completely sacrificing themselves.

 

[ksheehan88]

Ok so....

I am incredibly needy. Yes, I need to hear that I am loved, and I am attractive, and that that person wants to spend time with me yada yada yada... BUT...

I don't know if that is just how I have been conditioned to think because when these things actually happen I start to get freaked out.

 

[ksheehan88]

I am one of those overly emotional NTs. I also have a short temper. My Aspie bf though was very affectionate and said I love you all of the time even as we were breaking up. It's been a few days and we've not made contact. We both said enough. We were constantly pushing each others buttons and stressing each other out. I was overly emotional in many ways. I gotta work in that. It wasn't until he was with a friend that he felt strong enough to say its over. It actually may have gave me the strength in a way too, because I'd be really worried about him if he were not. But I should probably be concerned because the friend is a girl who is in love with him.

He has redeeming qualities and so love him for who he is...but...if all were good we'd still be together.
My question is this: how do you tell the difference between things that are because of the Aspergers and just plain old character defects?

For example he is selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, embarrassed me in public intentionally, left me stranded in the desert, and he tried to ruin two of my friendships purposefully.

Are these character defects or Aspergers symptoms?

For example, we were at a retreat and everyone was sharing how they felt about their partner. We were already having issues, but I knew exactly why and how I felt and I went on and on. When he was asked he said she will follow me wherever I go. That was it. It was devastatingly humiliating. That was the defining moment for me that it was over.

Wow... Run and never look back.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

People come to Aspie Central regularly, looking for advice on how to navigate or save their relationships with people they suspect or know may be on the spectrum.3

Quite often their difficulties are similar and their grievances about aspie/nt relationships have a familiar pattern to them. Some aspies find conflict and emotional connections nightmarish in the long term. In that they don't consider them as necessary as n/t's do.

They consider the problems of emotional neediness something they have little familiarity with. Once the 'honeymoon' period in a relationship is over and they have returned to ordinary life, they don't comprehend the overwhelming requirement's of n/t's to continue on with the professions of love and constant reaffirmation.

As far as some people on the spectrum are concerned they have proven their love, care, vows, promises, and they have no need to reiterate what is already obvious to them on a daily basis.

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

This is why I often date other auties. Also makes me think of autism As a subculture.

 

[Mia]

I am incredibly needy. Yes, I need to hear that I am loved, and I am attractive, and that that person wants to spend time with me yada yada yada... BUT..

Those are not desires that I think of as needy, they are something that every person wants. To be loved and wanted and desired is something most everyone thinks of as important in their lives.

 

[Judge]

Ok so....

I am incredibly needy. Yes, I need to hear that I am loved, and I am attractive, and that that person wants to spend time with me yada yada yada... BUT...

I don't know if that is just how I have been conditioned to think because when these things actually happen I start to get freaked out.

Absolutely. Where a need for companionship collides with a need for solitude. Incredibly confusing for us personally, and often anyone in our orbit. It doesn't make sense, but it is often who we are.

Seems to me what you are saying is a basic tenet of ASD. You aren't alone, Kayleigh.

Sadly though I see no solution other than a hope of tolerance and understanding to a degree from others that keeps us from repelling people so easily and so often.

 

[Mia]

Ok so....

I am incredibly needy. Yes, I need to hear that I am loved, and I am attractive, and that that person wants to spend time with me yada yada yada... BUT...

I don't know if that is just how I have been conditioned to think because when these things actually happen I start to get freaked out.

Maybe I should have qualified this, those basic things that most people want and require, even need in their lives, but falling within our own boundaries of what's acceptable for us. As Judge has indicated.

 

[Peacelily76]

This is an interesting question.
I'm the neurotypical daughter of a dad who had high-functioning autism. We never knew this when he was alive. I only figured it out by dating a man who is now considering asking for a diagnosis of AS.
I don't think my dad ever said I love you or celebrated me in any way. He called me Offspring Number 1. Other people thought this was charming. I didn't.
For years, I looked on at other families where the dads were really involved and 'tuned in' to their children and I wished I could have that.
It's a sad tale to tell but when an NT brain is hard-wired to connect, find the colour in every part of life, be a truly supportive human being who picks up on the sadness of their friends and instinctively wants to help them, the AS response of what can be termed a brick wall is searingly painful.
I now love my dad for what he was. I accept him. I also connect well with the man I have dated because through him, I am learning a huge amount about how AS requires downtime to process information. We have not had an easy journey but we are working hard to understand each other so we can be connected in a peaceful, respectful way that appreciates both brains.
Am I needy? Hell yes! I score 6 on the ASQ so I'm actually on the empathic end of the spectrum. I feel others' emotions and they cut deep. I read my AS friend's emotions better than he does. I translate for him. He has learnt a lot about himself through my eyes.
I certainly do not talk about mundane stuff. I find most NTs really dull and boring if I'm honest!! Because I had an AS parent, I really appreciate proper, intellectual conversation and hate gossip!
I guess you can call me a shapeshifter. I can veer between both worlds and understand them. But for me, at the end of the day, I need a fellow NT to truly 'get me'.
It's been a journey that has stabbed me in the solar-plexus many times, working out what I need and when I need to be kind to myself. Whilst I truly love and respect my AS friends, I need nurturing beyond what they can provide.
I hope this helps and apologies for being yet another hard-wired neuro-boring type.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Is wishing but not asking for a likely Aspie to say "I love you" more than twice in 2.5 years being needy? I give him so much space sometimes I am afraid he will think I'm not interested in him anymore. I have never asked or expected him to change. Yes I would love it if he wanted to spend more time with me and communicate with me more often. But I accept he is who he is and that is a profoundly good person who needs a lot of space. I respect and love him and will try to convey that as best I know how without putting demands on him. And I have learned to read his caring behaviors so no longer take it personally when he fails to do certain things that are what NTs expect. So please don't say all NTs are alike. They aren't.

 

[Dorkasour]

I think this is interesting because I've known Aspies who wanted more emotional support from me than I thought I needed to provide. Most failed to even give me my alone time.

it usually came with them thinking I was a really cool person who understood them, which I appreciated, but then it was hard for me to find time away from them. I'd constantly get messages, they'd ask me to watch shows with them for hours...

There is nothing really wrong with that- I just think it's interesting that from the Aspie side they think NTs are too needy but I've been in the opposite position.

 

[Mary 1]

Well, very interesting discussion. Regardless if you NT or AS, you have to show at some point LOVE towards each other. It is not needy thing IMO. I think it is a natural thing in life. However, over the top show of feelings can be overbearing and for AS probably boring as well as frustratng and distructing at the end.
So, I think finding the balance where we respect, support and listen to each other is key to not only AS/NT or NT/NT or AS/AS relationship but ANY relationship.

 

[Gracey]

I told my husband I loved him when I married him. My feelings haven't changed in thrity years.
Why would I need to tell him again?

Exaggerating for emphasis


I'll let him know when I no longer love him, until then "as you were", carry on, get on with it.
If he wasn't who he was and he didn't understand who I am and what I'm about, it would never have lasted as long as it has.

It isn't all one sided though. I've put up with and learned to accept many things about who he is and what he's about.because our relationship isn't all about me.
(My children taught me that, quick, intense crash course on putting others before self with some lovely hormones thrown in)

I don't know if non-asd are too "needy"
Perhaps they have different "needs" than a typical Aspie (if such a thing exists)
When they insist on wanting more than what's on offer rather than accepting it is what it is, perhaps then the relationship will dwindle or run into trouble.

Not accepting the whole Aspie package and loving it for exactly what it is.
Thinking that openness, big time emotional sharing, patience, kindness, giving and romantic expressions of love will be reciprocated if enough of it is lavished upon said Aspie.

All of that time, effort and energy may be better spent on learning a new hobby or going on a weekend bender to Amsterdam with mates because I'm not sure it will change any Aspie neurons in order to produce a Mills and Boon kind of Aspie.

Hey, but what do I know?
I've never dated an Aspie (to my knowledge)