Are Most Aspie Females Taken?

[ChurchTheArtist]

Hahaha, I hear you on that. One thing to remember is that women are people too. They are very different and their minds can be alien sometimes but people from a foreign country have different meanings behind hand gestures and syllables, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be seen as human or equals.

Just remember, true confidence comes when you know who you are in the world! Confidence knows no difference between gender, it only knows the difference between friend and foe! When you can look a woman in the eye and see her soul and not her looks, you will know confidence. When you can look into the eyes of a man and see his worth and not his wealth, you will know confidence! When you can turn down the riches of the world to walk the path of a popper with integrity, you will know confidence! When you enter a room and never leave until you have made a positive impact that will last forever, you will know confidence! When you can lose everything you have worked for and yet hold your head up high to watch the sun rise dutifully again and stand to do the same, you will know confidence!
When you walk the earth as a man who is not phased by anyone male or female,
and can fight any foe
and die for any friend... You will know confidence!

 

[Suiseiseki]

Okay you misunderstood me because I don't speak about men from a just friend angle I am romantically interested in them too.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

Hehehe, that's okay, I wasn't really making it all about what you said. We men with aspergers do have problems with confidence inherently.

You might still appreciate the bulk of my post anyway. That's the encouragement part.

 

[Suiseiseki]

What's with the dude with Suigilite glasses?

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

If a guy she's attracted to looks, she's flattered. If I a guy she thinks is creepy looks, she's grossed out.

I actually agree with you on this. I hate to say that it really doesn't matter because the people you are around will think what they want regardless but there is truth in that.

I was trying to be encouraging. I know confidence can be difficult for aspies so I was trying to be inspiring. But I guess that doesn't really work all the time with aspies because they think too much about the details and aren't easily swept up in the feeling of things. *sigh*

But yeah, logically you are correct. People do see what they want to see because they project their desires. I typically just don't allow such a cold, logical, negative view to stop me from being who I want to be. I am confident in who I am and girls usually don't interpret me wrong because in person they can tell that I honestly couldn't care less one way or the other what they think about me. What I was trying to say in my little speech was that if you are truly confident, it filters out the people who don't truly respect your confidence. Those women who are attracted to shallow qualities can't see you as creepy because you would understand that talking to them in that manner would be pointless and not worth your time. In many ways, confidence as it is designed with help you not be creepy because you don't do the little things that are misinterpreted. A confident man doesn't look for a partner therefore doesn't talk like he could be looking. A confident man would be sure to include everyone in what he says because his voice should be heard and he doesn't focus on the cute girl/guy. A confident person doesn't choose favorites or talks to the people he likes, he talks to all who are there and more. There are many logical reasons why confidence works against the relativism you speek of, they are just... dry and uninspiring. I could list the mannerisms of men and women as they intersect through a matrix of options to show how confidence could overwrite a person's projection...

But you can't learn confidence like a science! You can learn about it, but you can't get it. I try inspiring words because confidence is something that burns like a flame deep inside you; it can't be crafted with the 3d printer like mechanisms of logical thinking. If you are using logical arguments to try and defuse an inspirational speech then having such confidence that burns brighter than anyone's personal projection cannot be attained because you won't allow the spark to light your fire.

Essentially: we inherently have problems with displaying true and balanced confidence (that isn't misunderstood) because it is steeped in the abstract of emotion more than logic. You can use logic to shape it but it must be something that is felt, not simply believed in.

Maybe I should just write it in a book...

 

[Ste11aeres]

But you can't learn confidence like a science! You can learn about it, but you can't get it.

Good words, right here.
I think that a lot of "creepiness" and "arrogance" in guys is really just the effect given off when those guys aren't truly confident, but are trying to be (or at least appear) confident.

 

[granolaturtle]

I don't know, this thread kind of made me uncomfortable. I feel like women are being scrutinized like an alien species here. :/ But I know I've never had a relationship, I'm depressingly single. Also, I've never understood the obsession over 'betas', 'omegas' and 'alphas'. We're not wolves. All I know is that men who like to describe themselves as 'alphas' are generally jerks.

I don't know if it's harder for lesbians or something, but it's not like a relationship just falls into my lap (like some of you guys think it will). And I think for many female autistic/aspies, it's a similar situation.

 

[metalminx24]

This may be rather disjointed but 3 comments from 3 different people stood out to me-

Firstly, yaaaay I'm an alien species!!

Secondly, yes I'm taken but not because I was ever any good at dating. I was incredibly lucky that Andy (for reasons I shall never understand!) was really patient and didn't give up on me. He finds my weirdness/ awkwardness endearing...

Lastly, for me personally it's not necessarily unconfident guys trying to be confident who are creepy. The creepiest (in my opinion) men I've ever known have been very (read too) confident. It's all completely objective, I think.

Maybe it seems that a greater percentage of aspie ladies are taken simply because there are MORE (diagnosed) men...! Or maybe women are just shallow moose (mooses, meese?) Both are equally likely.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I don't think we've established that a greater percentage of Aspie women than of Aspie men actually are taken.
It's not clear at all that that's the actual state of things.

 

[granolaturtle]

Thank you. There was quite a bit of unnecessary assumptions being made here!

 

[Ste11aeres]

I have to disagree with you. What I saw were people sharing their personal experiences and perceptions.

And I have to disagree with you
It was a mixture. Yeah, there was some sharing of personal perceptions,
but there was also a bunch of speculation about why more Aspie women than men are taken...without a previous basis of good evidence in favor of the idea that such actually is the case.

 

[Warmheart]

Granolaturtle, I looooove you name!

 

[Warmheart]

 

[Ste11aeres]

Her post referred to "quite a bit of unnecessary assumptions," but no examples were given. If someone wants to make an argument, they should give evidence, as you pointed out in your post. Quoting the posts that may contain assumptions and stating why you feel that way, fosters good communication, which can lead to greater understanding.

I went back through the thread, read every post and saw what could've been a few assumptions. However, I think most of the responses were based on personal experiences or personal research. Even so, assumptions aren't always bad, negative or wrong thing. If I go to a high-crime area in my city, I can safely assume that I'm putting myself at greater risk of harm. My lunch date on Wednesday was late and I assumed she wanted me to order her food, and I was right.

What we need to do is encourage each other to share, even if it's not factual, if we disagree, and even if it's totally bonkers. We can ask for explanations, facts and evidence, but we shouldn't shut down the conversation and we need to "seek to understand" the other person. I didn't see any forum or site rules that said assumptions are prohibited. I did see wording about being respectful and I think everyone here has been.

I have a large range of NT friends and coworkers, but this is the only place I can get input from others on the spectrum. I just don't want to see any input from anyone hindered, no matter what the reason. I see enough of that in the NT world and I chose to leave their world long ago.

I didn't mean to make anyone feel that their input was being hindered or that the things they'd said were forbidden. That's not the case.
And, in reality, people don't have to provide evidence for every single thing they say-that would be impossible! We say too many things, and there simply is not enough time to compile powerful evidence for everything. Still, though it's perfectly permissible to say something without providing evidence, one should expect some possibility of people pointing out the lack of evidence. One should just be aware that that's not the end of the world, and it doesn't necessarily mean that the evidenceless words were entirely without merit.

 

[granolaturtle]

I'm curious about everything you said in your post. Can you elaborate on some of your statements? If you're not comfortable, no worries. You can always PM me too.

Well, the thing that stood out to me the most is that someone had to say 'women are people, too'. Plus, I think we autistic women should be able to speak for ourselves. How would you feel if a woman posted a thread saying 'Why is it that autistic men have such an easy time finding work?'.

And if then all of the women in the thread proceeded to analyze male autistics like they were a bug under glass.

Keep in mind - I don't think any of you were being malicious or intentionally offensive. But please know that there are women on this forum too, and sometimes certain assumptions can be hurtful. I've never had a relationship and I don't know if I ever will, so when someone goes on about 'how easy it is for females in romantic situations', I just feel even more like something is wrong with me, even more like my experiences are being marginalized.

On an added note, I believe adding labels like 'alpha', 'beta', and 'omega' onto men is needlessly hurtful as well. Men are all their own individuals, and it just doesn't seem right when they add labels like that (especially negatively). I'm always a little concerned that it makes someone a little more bitter, a little more with a damaged self-esteem when it's used. Masculinity is a wonderful, flexible thing that doesn't need to be defined by outdated ideas about wolf-pack dynamics. But that's just my opinion, of course.

 

[KyRN]

Because we're female? And if your an attractive female, it's SUPER EASY to find a man. What's not so easy is keeping one!!! Especially men who don't know anything about ASD or... Shhhhh... The ones who don't know your on the spectrum. I don't think it's necessarily "easier," being a female. It's different. It's only cute in the beginning stages of a relationship to be really, "quirky." You can't fake an entire relationship or your feelings forever.... Ugh, obviously I've had too much experience with this and am slightly bitter. Wah wah wahhhhh.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Because we're female? And if your an attractive female, it's SUPER EASY to find a man. What's not so easy is keeping one!!! Especially men who don't know anything about ASD or... Shhhhh... The ones who don't know your on the spectrum. I don't think it's necessarily "easier," being a female. It's different. It's only cute in the beginning stages of a relationship to be really, "quirky." You can't fake an entire relationship or your feelings forever.... Ugh, obviously I've had too much experience with this and am slightly bitter. Wah wah wahhhhh.

Well...I guess we all have different experiences. I'm female, and I think I'm attractive, but I haven't even found it super easy to find a man willing to talk to me, forget about willing to date me. (I'm ambivalent about dating, not sure if I would actually like it or not, but I wouldn't mind it if other people and I were at least willing to talk to each other). And my style of weirdness never comes across as cute quirkiness.

On an added note, I believe adding labels like 'alpha', 'beta', and 'omega' onto men is needlessly hurtful as well. Men are all their own individuals, and it just doesn't seem right when they add labels like that (especially negatively). I'm always a little concerned that it makes someone a little more bitter, a little more with a damaged self-esteem when it's used. Masculinity is a wonderful, flexible thing that doesn't need to be defined by outdated ideas about wolf-pack dynamics. But that's just my opinion, of course.

The thing that I dislike about those terms is the value judgments that seem to be attached to them. In a group of social animals, including humans, some individuals lead, and some follow, to a certain extent. Some people are more dominant by personality than others, some are more submissive, while some are medium. And that is great-all these various personalities on the dominance-submission spectrum can be good and can have their place. It's okay to acknowledge that some people are more dominant or submissive than others.
But invariably when you see an internet discussion about "alpha" and "beta", the participants seem to be assuming that alpha is the good one, and that beta is the one who is a loser who deserves to be eaten by the mob. And that attitude is not okay.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I like talking to you. You're spunky! :-D

My internet persona is, my internet persona is.

 

[Warmheart]

There are a lot of really cool people in this thread.

 

[eonbus]

dating aspie girls are like dating robots to me. its really not funny but its the way it is. this whole society of meeting people is pathetic. plus there is discrimination in mental illness. i am truly discriminated from the girls i meet its really shameful i have been called names due to the female side of things. but really its there fault of what happens.