My friend has purposefully isolated herself from her family because of something her parents allegedly did. Her parents are getting older and miss her desperately, but she is firm in her stance and will not even speak of the subject. Wondering how common this is among people on the spectrum. I have to wonder if my friend will regret this decision if her parents pass away.
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Are you estranged from your family?
- Thread starter 312Sarah
- Start date
It's not usually about the child. It's usually about the parents who are toxic and abusive.
Which, sadly, is often more common when a child is special needs. And doesn't get them met.
Down the Rabbit Hole
The world of estranged parents' forums
Which, sadly, is often more common when a child is special needs. And doesn't get them met.
Down the Rabbit Hole
The world of estranged parents' forums
It seems to be you may be ignoring your friends boundary.
The relationship with her parents is not really your business.
'Alleged'
And you're talking to her parents about it.
They're hardly going to say 'yeh we were horrible', likely they would cleverly dismiss objections raised and convince an outsider of good intent.
Estranged
It seems to be you may be ignoring your friends boundary.
The relationship with her parents is not really your business.
'Alleged'
And you're talking to her parents about it.
They're hardly going to say 'yeh we were horrible', likely they would cleverly dismiss objections raised and convince an outsider of good intent.
Estranged
I say alleged not because I don't believe her--I do--but just because I don't know for certain what happened, nor do I need or even want to know. They were on very good terms until a few years ago. My friend told me she doesn't want to talk about it so I told her I would no longer bring it up and I don't. My friend also knows I speak to the parents occasionally--certainly not about whatever happened because that would be completely inappropriate. Anyway, my question is not what to do about it--I don't plan to do anything and of course it's not any of my business. I just wanted to know if others have had similar experiences, and if they feel regret about these decisions or not.
My family is a mess all the way around... In that mix is abandonment, abuse, people cheating on each other (basically openly), alcoholism, etc... They are some very high strung people, they throw out lots of crazy drama. If they cant find any, they create it... In all that sickness, I have to love them as much as I can.
I sort of have some deep issues with lots of my family... One of the worst is for them to be drunk and fighting on Saturday night... Only to come home from church on Sunday telling others they are going to hell for not believing as they do... That one thing makes me want to puke. How can people not notice being such hypocrites? Next level is sometimes some open racism, and homophobic slurs, and the fact they are so closed minded about EVERYTHING... It turns me inside out it sometimes...
I openly and purposely keep my distance as much as possible. I'm hopefully about to put a 1300 mile distance in the upsetting messes that some of them always seem to drag me into at times. Toxic is toxic, and some people seem to "thrive" on it and in it... Not me at any level. Its my kryptonite.
I hope your friend works things out at some point. I also hope you are there as a friend that is a counter balance of trust for all the stuff that can go on in these instances.
I try very hard to NEVER get involved in other peoples problems unless I am asked. Even then I simply stay very far in the background with my mouth shut, only to try and figure out how to help the situation and never enter the situation, or GOD forbid become part of it... Geez
Treading in other families issues has to be up there with the very "iffy" if not totally off limits for me... I have all the problems I could ever want, without dealing with someone else's : )
I dodged that one an old lady who lived in the street mistakenly thought I was a solicitor and came for advice about her will she refused to believe I was not my mother and would not leave.
thankfully none of them tried to have me assassinated.
Yes, I am estranged from family members. In fact, fairly recently, made the decision to also estrange myself from my siblings and it was the right thing to do.
Father is no longer alive and mother is, but no, I will not regret it and do not regret that he died without "making peace" because that would be going against my sense of justice, and self worth.
I was 18 but probably closer to 19, when I made the decision that if I did not unlove the parents, it would go badly for me and some how I did it, but really, it was not that difficult, for what they were doing to me.
For a daughter or son to decide to step away from family, one should NEVER question their motives, because there is always a valid reason.
Father is no longer alive and mother is, but no, I will not regret it and do not regret that he died without "making peace" because that would be going against my sense of justice, and self worth.
I was 18 but probably closer to 19, when I made the decision that if I did not unlove the parents, it would go badly for me and some how I did it, but really, it was not that difficult, for what they were doing to me.
For a daughter or son to decide to step away from family, one should NEVER question their motives, because there is always a valid reason.
This is a valid concern for your friend. However, I don’t think anyone does this lightly, or rejects a truly loving and supportive family member. Sometimes walking away from people who continually invade boundaries is the best thing for someone to do.
More or less. There were no fights or anything so I could just pop back into the lives of any of my family members at any time with no problem, I just don't really want to see these people for how they treated me as a kid. I talk to my sister every once in a while, and my dad and I are close, but when he dies my sister and I have a pact to put my mother in a home far, far away. Bye Mom, we hate you!
Actually, you do not "have to" wonder about it. You are choosing to. As for her parents pain, it does not occur to you her pain must be at least as great, as the child, even greater actually, in order to remove herself like that.
This just rubs me the wrong way. You say you don't even want to know what happened, but then you say that you did bring it up to her enough for her to tell you not to - so....the fact that you don't want to know - but then were nosy anyway, then the fact that she doesn't trust you enough to talk about it - all of this tells me you aren't close enough to her to really care or for this to be your business at all.
Then coming here and asking how common it is among Aspies - look, you clearly still are curious about and pondering this situation that isn't your business, now you are just doing this with us rather than with her since she told you to stop. As for why specifically you come to the ASD forum, it's as though you think the two things are related - being estranged doesn't have to do with ASD, it has to do with the toxic parents.
Are you fishing for proof that all of this has something to do with ASD? And you wonder if we have later regretted the decision - which has even less significance to you, as we are strangers - so obviously this is still indirectly a way to keep considering your friend's situation.
Why don't you focus on what your friend wants and needs right now, which she is certain about, rather than trying to predict a future that you can't possibly predict for her? That's what real friends should do - be there for that person, now, in the way they need - or back off and give them their space if they don't want you to cross that boundary.
Okay, the last thing I'm going to say - I held off, because I was afraid it would seem mean, but I am trying to do this thing where I'm trying to express my opinions rather than being afraid of seeming mean. Your posts make it seem like you are speaking out of both sides of your mouth - contradicting yourself, not being quite truthful. The other thing is, it smacks a lot of the kind of post that the actual estranged parents themselves would make. I do not mean to hurt or offend, but there it is.
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I think it's easier to forgive when I feel safe - which means distance. Otherwise I'm too vigilant to do anything other than be vigilant. But maybe that lack of vigilance is similar to what you mean by forget.
Pretty much. But most of my family are mad cultists, some of whom have literally tried to murder me twice....So, yeah, we'll go with estranged.
One of the prime actors in these attempts passed years ago. Would you all think me awful if I felt a sense of...justice and closure when I donned white gloves to carry his casket to the waiting hole in the earth? Waiting out the other 2 presently. No hurry. None at all.
One of the prime actors in these attempts passed years ago. Would you all think me awful if I felt a sense of...justice and closure when I donned white gloves to carry his casket to the waiting hole in the earth? Waiting out the other 2 presently. No hurry. None at all.
I've been estranged from my family of origin and have had three death-bed reunions so far. Estrangement has been pretty common in my social circle and a source of bewilderment over the decades for all of us. But the New York Times is on it.
They did a story a couple weeks ago, a synopsis of 51 studies, with the gist being
It's a quick one-page read that generated 1,962 public comments, so that's a start. Debunking Myths About Estrangement
They did a story a couple weeks ago, a synopsis of 51 studies, with the gist being
Estrangement is widely misunderstood, but as more and more people share their experiences publicly, some misconceptions are being overturned. Assuming that every relationship between a parent and child will last a lifetime is as simplistic as assuming every couple will never split up.
It's a quick one-page read that generated 1,962 public comments, so that's a start. Debunking Myths About Estrangement
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