Are you estranged from your family?

[Nikki Janes]

My friend has purposefully isolated herself from her family because of something her parents allegedly did. Her parents are getting older and miss her desperately, but she is firm in her stance and will not even speak of the subject. Wondering how common this is among people on the spectrum. I have to wonder if my friend will regret this decision if her parents pass away.

I am over 50 now and my parents are in their 80s. If I could isolate myself completely from them, without causing them hurt, then I would. My communications can only be brief with them. My mother, by all accounts and purposes a good person, is very toxic to me. Her negativity and total misunderstanding of my character, the way I think, act, see the world, though I have tried to explain to her in the past (but really wish I had not as even more misunderstandings ensure) is not something I can deal with. She sees me as a 'victim', especially since I left my partner of 14 years and came to live on my own. She seems to have a knack of 'bringing you down'. I can only think and act positively. It is the only way forward for me.

My mothers negative comments regarding my aims, wishes, and almost everything started when I was just a child. she would always see the negative (sorry cant think of another word) side of everything. I cannot deal with a relationship with her. If my dad was alone, I would have more of a relationship with him.

Yes they are old, yes it plays on the mind, what happens/how will I feel when they go? but there is little I can do about this. I have to survive. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I avoid talking to them, but I will send an occassional message to my parents. I dont want to hurt them because I dont want to hurt ANYBODY, but there is no conversation with my mother that will make things easier or clearer or bring us closer. That is the way it is.

Also, everyone is different. Not everybody has a close relationship with their parents. Why do they have to? I have never viewed my parents as helpers, supporters, or people to turn to in a crisis. Since 18 I have really looked after myself. As an older person, I look only to close friends for help. I agree with the comment by flawedplan "Assuming that every relationship between a parent and child will last a lifetime is as simplistic as assuming every couple will never split up". Your friend is likely to have good reasons for her choice to isolate herself from family. You can only be there for her whenever she needs you.

 

[Ambi]

I am estranged from my father, who is very manipulative, deceptive, controlling, and emotionally/verbally abusive. He steals our money, and he actually tried to murder my mother. The amount of physical, emotional, and psychological pain he put her through during their marriage was terrible - and she took it all because she served as the buffer between us and him. She was the most beautiful soul and had the saddest life because of him. A week before she died, she asked whether I would remember all that had happened in our home. When she died, there was no more buffer, but my sibling and I decided to keep our distance - this after years and years of trying to make some kind of healthy relationship work, of which he wants no part - he only wants to control, take our money, and God forbid we ever depend on him during dire circumstances, decide when to kill us, as he tried to do with my mother. The safest I have felt in life is now, since the estrangement.

 

[hannyhan8846]

I have estranged myself from my mothers side of the family except my brother who respectfully does not get involved. My mother was mentally and physically abusive to me as a child. The final straw for me came when she told me it was my fault because I was a 'difficult child.' A few black eyes, head split open from her bashing it into a wall etc. My sister and cousins have bullied me very passive aggressively for years but became quite vicious when I decided to cut ties, messaging me emails calling me all sorts of horrible names with the gist being I am somewhat of a vile person in their eyes. I have finally come to peace with the fact that the whole family dynamic is highly toxic and abusive and that what they think of me is really none of my business anymore. I do not think my aspergers instigated that hostility but I do think it made me a very easy target for their narcissistic supply and negativity. I also believe there are some jealousy issues but it's always deemed a little distasteful to say others are jealous of you as a motive. Nevertheless, I might be wrong but my autism has been my biggest strength at times. I am undertaking my PhD and have the means to travel widely in my life. This is something quite foreign in my family. I was the only one to go to university and my sister and cousins had children very early in life. I sometimes think they like to paint my autism as a weakness but I actually think it gave me the strength to see the world differently and to imagine more for myself. I am still grieving that I had to make that decision (this all happened recently) but I know in my gut it was the right one.

 

[Suzanne]

I kept a lot of distance between my mother and me until she died. I've mentioned it in another thread, but she was narcissistic and very toxic. On the surface those who didn't know her thought she was cool, but she was a destroyer of lives. I was at her bedside when she passed, so I paid my last respects. I wept at her bedside, but the nurses thought it was because of my loss. It was because I was finally free and could finally start living my own life.

I have been asked: but surely if she is about to die, you will be at her bed side? My answer? No, because I learned what respect truly means, when I started to study the bible and that is, as long as I NEVER talk about her in a negative light, to those who are in her life, then it cannot come back on me.

She is like your's: pure narcissim. And one of my nieces wants to come and spend some time with us and I had to advice her to keep it hush hush to her mother, my sister, who is a replica of her mother. She will blab to her mother and the next thing that will happen, is my niece's gran will try and warn her to keep away from me. Mother does not like those who are in her life ( family) to have anything to do with me, or she will make their lives very difficult, so yep, like you said: a destroyer of lives.

I have always said this about birth mother: if I saw her lying in a road, I would call the ambalance and wait with her in silence, and then, as they arrive, leave her. I do that, because she is a human being. But never, never will I sit at her deathbed.

Oh and once I tried to forgive her, because that is what I am supposed to do, but it became apparent, that there is nothing to forgive, because she isn't sorry. Pure selfishness.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Oh and once I tried to forgive her, because that is what I am supposed to do, but it became apparent, that there is nothing to forgive, because she isn't sorry. Pure selfishness.

Winner. A central issue for many and a clearly expressed way to resolve it!

 

[Suzanne]

I was treated like a pariah by those that attended the viewing and funeral. I wasn't overly bothered since I arrived fully expecting it.

I wish with all my heart, I could do what you are able to achieve, Sportster. Oh boy, do I wish I could be like you in this regard.

The trouble is, that despite knowing what they are alike, I guess I am nieve enough to hope for something different and thus, when it isn't, I am cut up.

So, it obviously comes down to the fact that once I stop being niave about this all ie looking for the best, perhaps I will stop being hurt.

I have covered over my sister's evilness and mother's too, but sadly all it has done is caused me to think: what about me? What about my feelings in all this? I am tired of it all and it all comes to the surface, because one of my niece's gets in touch, out of the blue ( we have not spoken for a good two years) and her, at 20 now, was thinking about the good times she had when a child, when visiting us ( at our expense) and decides she misses and loves us and so, wants to spend a long weekend and what is worse, she is of the mind: I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AS A CHILD. It has NOTHING to do with me. I WANT to just concentrate on MY future, which includes, wanting to visit my auntie and uncle. It is hard going, because I do actually love her and see acknowledge that she is really a very clever girl, but faced with a mother who is quite the opposite and how frustrating that has been for her and ended up with her being a very angry teenager, but also as a young adult, she has become a narcissitic girl, which is hardly surprising, with the era we are now living in ie all those disgusting selfies and she is one, who has her facebook page COVERED with pictures of herself, in skimpy clothing and pouting. Once, when I was in communication with my sister, I said that guys old enough to be her dad, are making lurid comments about her photos and not surprising, seeing how she poses and I got back: I see nothing wrong with her photos!!!!!! And that is my sister.

 

[Judge]

I appreciate the kind compliment, but I'm not sure what I have achieved that has set me apart. It has taken many, many, many years to come to the realization of some of the things I have and am now having to learn everything new.

Yep. Even with a revelation of self-awareness there's still some kind of "learning curve". At least there is for me as well. Some things come easy while some don't. Though in my case most of my family is gone, leaving one relative who gets me and one that doesn't.