Argument with spouse / communication problems

[Alexej]

Hiya @DogzSpirit! Was there supposed to be a link there? Or am I missing something. I would like to read whatever you're referring to.

I think the link referenced is in the first post. I assume this is it
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...tanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance

 

[DogzSpirit]

Yes, there was, but I cannot find it on this thread anymore, I must be glitching...

Fortunately I sent it to my husband to review, so I had it in that email:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...tanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance

(Update, yes it was in the first post under a 'here' click on.)

 

[DogzSpirit]

I did and am getting some movement in the right direction, communication wise. That said It has taken much energy and now I am breaking for taking the day lighter, and will afford this group a bit of truthful humor.

I am planning for my 60's and beyond. We've been reviewing areas in the USA/NE mountain areas, with trails and acreage for dogs to be safe and well exercised.

For what it is worth, me and my dogs understand one another perfectly. Dogs need something they come to me. Dogs are sick they come to me. I tell them what they need to hear. Dogs are easy, spouses not so much so. lol

Do the dogs argue, only if they don't like my answer. Example: Go upstairs. Dog (no) races around with an I've got a better idea... try to get me. Husband to dog, "Come out for a walk" Dog: Without mom, (no) runs upstairs to get me.

It's really a good thing I didn't know how dogs truly were compared to kids and spouses, for I would have probably had a property with many dogs instead... ha ha ha... (Is she kidding? - Probably not... It's leaning heavily in favor of the dogs.)

 

[Varzar]

Thanks @Alexej & @DogzSpirit!
I missed that link in the OP!

 

[Varzar]

Joanna calls you and talks about her diet. She complains that she has eaten chocolate cake and other sweets and wants to eat more, but she doesn't want to gain weight. What level of validation can you use?

Level 3 would be a good choice. Joanna didn't mention any feelings though she is eating for emotional reasons.

I never would have jumped to the conclusion she was eating for emotional reasons. That didn't even occur to me when I read that.
I would've just given totally unhelpful advice on how she could control herself instead.. Or maybe suggested exercise to counter the calorie intake.. Also probably completely unhelpful..
Is no wonder I have difficulty keeping friends..

 

[Aspychata]

This can happen in reverse. My sophisticated friend just needs to sound off. They don't want my advice, it's a newer concept l finally learned. For now, l just listen, if someone asks input then a little is okay. Think the most important part is if in doubt just ask- hey you sound upset, is that the case? Are you angry about this? Now l have some data to add to my info dump. Remember- it's okay to ask, usually the other person feels great about expressing how they feel re: said issue. Then we got the feelings out of the way, now we can get down to business about said issue. So our dialogue is usually so this happened........ Then l ask -well how do you feel about that? Then l get the feeling report. Then it's up to them if they chose to discuss it further or it's dropped. This seems to be effective and l don't overstep my role as a friend.

 

[Rasputin]

I can “get” both sides of this with the NT wife. One, computers or anything technical. Not mechanical, I got that and love physics but I’m talking the whole computer and new TV stuff. I lose my mind when the TV/computer thingy won’t work. It ask for all kinds of pass words and then ask for other things that I have no idea what it is. I want an On and Off button and volume. Why should we need more? Totally confusing and makes life so difficult, to me.

The second part is not knowing what your looking at. Some ppl can fix things but they have to know what the things are. Some people are not good with words.

The joke about books with pictures, well if you want me to understand you then draw it. I aced medicine in school by drawing everything even to the inside of the cell, draw, color and name it and I never forgot it. Did the whole body and everything medicine this way (weird art collection lol) Everything in my life I learn this way, but if read and not read aloud, then I quickly forget it or don’t remember it.

My husband has started drawing everything, he’s not an artist but things like when we talk money - when he writes it down and I can visually see it then we’re good, just a verbal and all I get is bla bla bla. Not on purpose, it just seem to be how I learn?

I agree with you about the TV and computer passwords. Everything is too complicated now. Maybe there is hope for me yet?

 

[DogzSpirit]

diet[/URL]. She complains that she has eaten chocolate cake and other sweets and wants to eat more, but she doesn't want to gain weight. What level of validation can you use?

Level 3 would be a good choice. Joanna didn't mention any feelings though she is eating for emotional reasons.

"Varzar, post: 792235, member: 23649"]I never would have jumped to the conclusion she was eating for emotional reasons. That didn't even occur to me when I read that.
I would've just given totally unhelpful advice on how she could control herself instead.. Or maybe suggested exercise to counter the calorie intake.. Also probably completely unhelpful..
Is no wonder I have difficulty keeping friends..

There is just so much emotional validation you can give in a situation like this, without becoming part of the problem. When someone simply wants you to sympathize rather than encourage change to a healthier lifestyle or choice... Ya gotta put your foot down. Otherwise you become an enabler in some cases such as the example given with 'Johanna'.

I know that was just an example. But in my lifetime of being in contact (from my experience) with multiple people, women and men alike, repetitive neediness for validation can get out of hand. Maybe it is the upbringing I had in combo with my wiring, but it makes perfect sense to raise that bar and not settle for enabling yourself or others to stew in one's own negativity, all the while expecting others to invest/waist their energies in supporting that negativity.

Yeah I am thankful that my husband doesn't fall into that category. Whew! Thank goodness for that.

I do see a pattern in my life though, in calling out others for such behavior. I personally, do best with friends who support mutual self empowerment, and where both encourage each other to be powerful.

 

[Au Naturel]

I think I'd like to put this post into any textbook for autistic people and NTs trying to relate.

The autistic person is not hearing the entire message. Often not even not most of it.

The NT is listening for a message that never gets delivered.

Both get irritated and eventually frustrated. That is like a very quick summation of the entire autistic-NT divide.