As an Aspie/Autie do you know who you are?

[Flinty]

I was almost 30 when I first got a clue of who I am. Still trying to figure the rest of it out over a decade later.

 

[HelzBelz]

could you afford an art class or go to a community art club ?who knows what would happen!!!

Could be good one of these days, but for now I want solitude, so I can get some order and calm in my life and with my family.

 

[SusanLR]

I don't know who I am, what I want, where I'm going or who I want to go forward with... not a pleasant feeling.

This is exactly how I've felt for the past four years.
I never felt I could be myself and put on the chameleon of masks everywhere except at home with my Mom. The mask is getting heavy and the only time I can just be me is when I am alone and yet that makes me feel lonely. Adrift at sea for now.

 

[HelzBelz]

This is exactly how I've felt for the past four years.
I never felt I could be myself and put on the chameleon of masks everywhere except at home with my Mom. The mask is getting heavy and the only time I can just be me is when I am alone and yet that makes me feel lonely. Adrift at sea for now.

Oh yes, this is me!

 

[Nitro]

Yes, that is it precisely!!! Often times I wonder who I truly am, what my true personality is. The other day I was contemplating my life and thought to myself that I "feel like a character in a movie." Being raised the way I was and by the type of mother I had didn't help, so I have bounced through life changing and adapting for most situations, yet not really being me.

It's funny, because the only people that would understand that quandary are the ones on this site.

Sportster,I honestly believe all people have to act to some extent.

 

[WittyAspie]

Same here, but still looking and searching. Autism is part of who I am, but at it's center is it all that makes me who I am? Is a mixture of traits, perceptions, behavior a description of a person? Seems as if there is much more that makes me who I am, things I forgot from a long time ago.

As for coffee, I'm drinking expresso 'nectar' at this very moment. And thinking about sewing, which I love, and cycling. And after a recent discussion, re-reading Invisible Man, because I think some of the clues might be there.

Who you are is a combination of your genetic makeup and the choices you make. Who you ultimately become is determined by how you use the cards you were dealt. There are some innate things about you which you cannot change. Everything else is a matter of choosing what to make of yourself.

 

[thedenimninja]

I feel this a lot. Between undiagnosed Asperger's and complex PTSD from the trauma of childhood abuse, I was never really able to fully form my identity. I pick up accents in moments (people have asked me if I'm Australian because I picked up their accent over the phone) and generally do everything I can to be acceptable and allowable in public spaces.

But who am I?

I'm 28 years old and just starting to get back to this question, abandoned when I was in my late teens and told to grow up and get a job.

I'm considering trying to take time away from working (though I don't know how I can do that with all these student loans/credit card bills/rent I have to pay), because work takes 100% of my energy and I have no time left to explore myself as a person or even get household tasks done.

I know I have a few traits, buried deep down somewhere:

- I like writing poetry and non-fiction and sometimes fiction and songs but they are harder.
- I like singing! But I'm afraid to do it around people and I almost never get to be alone.
- I care a lot about other people. I get to do this when I'm at work.
- I want to contribute more to the world, but feel like there are a lot of barriers, including the lack of a sense of self.
- I love reading/watching science-fiction things, a lot! I find the implications for society to be fascinating, and the writing is often humorous in just the right way.
- I'm Queer! My gender identity and sexuality are not defined by stereotypical social standards, even though I try to conform to generally "masculine" expectations of gender expression while in public.

So with these building blocks, maybe I can start to re-build a sense of self.

I hope you can, too.

 

[Oda a la Tormenta]

I have struggled with this the whole of my adult life. To give you just ONE example....Not knowing where I fit in, in the work place. Not being able to decipher or read bosses intentions day to day or paths for me long term even though they say I highly excel at my job. Their actions towards me don't speak this. You think it's just one boss, but then it happens over and over. Then having to outright ask them and then coming across as too rude or too forward. And then coming back to question my own interest and stake in it in the first place. And I have struggled so hard with what's the right thing to say or do in all of these situations, because people always say I'm either too withdrawn or too intense...and round and round it goes. I could go on and on about this. This pattern has been a huge stumbling block for me in a lot of areas and has led to such depression in my life, anxiety, and hiding of my struggles and who I am...that I landed in therapy. Sorry for the vent. But this is a great struggle for me.

 

[the_tortoise]

I have an excellent sense of self in the context of, well....myself.

I don't have a particularly good sense of self in the context of other people's views of me and how/where I fit into broader social categories.

I wish they would call the latter self-according-to-others something other than "sense of self" because it's not really about my actual "self" or my sense of self, it's about other people's views of me or the way that I might be placed into social categories according to any number of things that may or may not actually reflect anything meaningful about me -- which is very separate from my sense of self and also sometimes very separate from who I actually am.

 

[8398]

Malleable is a good word to describe me, I want to please everyone because I'm sensitive to others getting upset. I'm very neutral in thinking, I'll flex to agree to other's personalities. I want things to be easy with no conflict between people and me. This is me, I don't have a bold personality but it's there and not so obvious. I like weird things, I get obsessed with things that others don't so that is bold in a way. But I don't have to be bold. I did get confused and questioned who I was... but I think I had the wrong idea of what personalities should be like? I'm confused right now lol. I don't even know how to comprehend that I might be 'on the spectrum'.

I notice my japanese family member I could describe similiar in how she is very malleable and open. She grew up in japan and I think I notice on T.V many japanese seem that way.

 

[HelzBelz]

This thread is fascinating to follow! So much of what people are saying resonates with me; it's good insight as I try and feel I have some clarity of my own. Thanks all.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I pretty much never felt a true self-image, never felt like I fit in anywhere. It resulted in me trying to "adapt" only making matters worse for me and everyone else, making me feel lonelier and more pathetic than ever before. So much of the time I don't even know who or what I am, and why I have been put into this world. I still try to adapt to other people's standards, but inside I'm really unhappy when I do that. I know I have to be myself, but very few people can withstand the true me. I just have no choice but to adapt sometimes...so I don't know, really. So conflicted about this, I swear.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I pretty much never felt a true self-image, never felt like I fit in anywhere. It resulted in me trying to "adapt" only making matters worse for me and everyone else, making me feel lonelier and more pathetic than ever before. So much of the time I don't even know who or what I am, and why I have been put into this world. I still try to adapt to other people's standards, but inside I'm really unhappy when I do that. I know I have to be myself, but very few people can withstand the true me. I just have no choice but to adapt sometimes...so I don't know, really. So conflicted about this, I swear.

I think a problem is with consistency.
I would go from 0-100, to zero, to -1000 within a second.

A lot dont have those extremes within themselves. Its also hard for other people to see,especially when your face doesnt move.!

One theory i have is that AS or ND dont have a consistent sense of self.
So they can develop differently, with those extreme emotions and thoughts rapidly moving around.
Its a bit like being mature yet with a toddlers brain.

Bits of us mature at different speeds,which can make normal things extra tough. (When youre in your 40's with a toddler brain!)
Time and age helps, but also knowing what the problem is : like aspergers or whatever it may be.

 

[HelzBelz]

As I've said earlier in this thread, I'm going through a lot of self-reflection around this at the moment, and have restarted counselling to look at abusive issues in my past. I am quickly realizing that because I have never grasped healthy boundaries I don't know how to form and enforce boundaries with others, meaning I quickly feel walked over, so withdraw from interactions with others, resulting in feelings of isolation and loneliness. The majority or my relationship resentments and frustrations right through my life, from my mother to my ex-husband to friends I now have, are because I haven't worked out how to set boundaries. I've felt walked all over my whole life; and as an aspie I know I have a malleable personality where I try and fit in with the social group I am with, yet I repeatedly feel resentful of people crossing boundaries I've thought in my head are unspoken, yet keep being crossed.
Ugh, not sure this is coming out clearly! I feel because I don't have a clear grasp of who I am and what I will and won't tolerate (or clearly communicate my boundaries) I can't seem to form healthy relationships. So I isolate myself and try and work out what I'm doing so wrong. I have the double-whammy of being an aspie who struggles to recognise social boundaries as well as being raised by someone who dominated and stomped all over any tentative boundaries I tried to voice.
I guess I'm trying to say that clear boundaries are a huge part of trying to work out who I am and where I fit in the world. I need to think about what I will and won't tolerate and learn how to voice and enforce these. Scary!

 

[ovpt]

great topic...i continually try to understand who i am. i remember studying kids on the school bus in 3rd grade in order to fit in. it has been more or less this the last 40 years. i try so hard to fit in that i feel i have lost myself or havent ever really known myself. pretty scary concept.

 

[ovpt]

remember hearing a quote from a close friend of robin williams after he committed suicide commenting how he never knew the real robin as robin was always in character. pretty much sums up how i operate in life.