Asbergers or just not into me or both ?

[Auroradanileigh]

Perhaps.
Im at my wits end with him. Its like no matter what there is always an obstacle preventing us from being together. He gets liquid courage thats for sure, but then I think he drinks too much to follow through. Its frustrating. He has not asked me to seee him or join him. Im too scared to be rejected by him again to ask him myself at this point. I dont want to be hurt again so I just wait for him to make them with me now , which rarely happens.

 

[Ylva]

If it helps any, from what you've told us it doesn't sound like he considers it rejection, what he does. It probably doesn't help that much. I have known men who, while not aspergic, had other very good reasons for not meeting my emotional needs, and in the end I still gave up on each of them. Needs are needs, not wants.

If nothing else works you can always go for the oldie but goodie and go on a break. Breaking up may be final, but you know him better than I do.

 

[Judge]

Strangely enough this thread reminds of a song and it's lyrics. That sometimes all that is left is for you to walk away.

And when I see the sign that points one way
The lot we used to pass by every day
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
From deep inside the tears that I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain that I chose to hide
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me…

Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
Your name and mine inside a heart upon a wall
Still finds a way to haunt me, though they're so small
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Yes needs are needs and mine are definitely not being met. While the profession of Love and the attempt to see me were nice, it still never manifested. Its all too frustrating and Ive decided perhaps I need to let him go. I dont know how AS men react when you finally walk away from them and if it prompts them to act, but Im not counting on it.

I love him very much but I cant put my needs on hold for someone who may never step up to the plate. its sad because we are so good together and clearly both love eachother as we have both said I love you to eachother.. yet still cannot even make plans to see eachother and make it work. Ive tried everything. Im exhausted and depleted and broken hearted over this, truly.

maybe in my next life.

 

[Maelstrom]

He is likely a OCD TV addict with Agoraphobia (can't leave his house), or just plain nuts....you will just have to go see him if you like him.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Well, I have reached my time limit and addressed the issue with him. He was completely "unaware" that he was avoiding me which to me and everyone else was so glaringly obvious. His response to why we never see eachother and does not make plans is that he no longer goes out a lot and keeps to himself. He is off all dating sites as well for many months - I was unaware. I dont know what he does but it would appear that he hides behind social media, sticks to his male and marathoned netflix all the time alone. He told me that being around women was a lot for him to deal with. I never see him with other women and know he isnt dating anyone. What I do see is him pining over unattainable females hes never met that he will never meet and never have. This whole thing really confirmed my unofficial diagnosis of him being on the spectrum.

When questioned about the nature of our relationship and feelings, He also said we were "friends" and that I "mean a lot to him". Yet when I asked, if he only viewed me as a friend why he was flirting with me romantically and why he thought of me sexually and frequently brought up us having sex in the past or referring to it even telling me how badly he wanted to have sex with me again, he told me, he replied "I dont know".

Perhaps I was merely a routine for him? Perhaps he does have deep feelings for me yet has no idea how to process them and exhibit them to me? Or perhaps at the end of the day he wasnt that into me? Only he knows the real truth. All outward signs point to him not being romantically interested in me. But the love is there on a different level. We both said we loved eachother as friends but I decided that if we were just friends then we needed to act as such and end the sexual part of our relationship, aka no discussing it or innuendos, etc. I also advised that I was moving on to be with someone who would make time to see me and wanted to be with me because it is what I deserve. He said he "got it" but didnt seem to be enthusiastic about me putting my foot down and ending whatever quasi arrangement we had.

A part of me hopes that by moving on to someone new hell finally realize what he had and fight for me. Will he miss me I wonder? Will he be jealous? Considering the fact that he is unable to tell me his feelings and process them, I highly doubt if he does feel these emotions hell never tell me.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Question! Did YOU ever make plans for the two of you?

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Well I tried and failed.
He made an attempt when he was incredibly drunk....and I tried to meet him, But he was too drunk to actually meet up as he was slurring his words and completely wasted.

Ive tried to see him multiple times and he always has something else to do, at least this is what he says. He refuses to break his routine. So, I got to the point where I was feeling like he really just does not want to see me. I got tired of the constant rejection. and While Im about 99.75% sure that he has AS, It really is difficult not to take it personally, or be conditioned to think hes not that into me. I suppose at this point if we ever do see eachother again it will be at a mutual friends party or event. that wont be anytime soon though.

I wish he would come to me. On an interesting note, I think he actually expressed a twinge a jealousy today. Since I told him our romantic relationship is over for now since he wont make an effort. I casually mentioned another guy (who is just a friend), and he made a curious comment about me going out with him....Maybe he cares more than he lets on.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

We had a routine of romantic texts for a long while as we spoke everyday. Things were pretty intense for awhile. At least for me. How he was not all worked up after those frequent explicit texts is beyond me. It will be interesting to see how he responds to me cutting that off and breaking up this routine. I was hoping the shake up would elicit new responses from him. I have started seeing someone new as well. I,e Ive recently seen some jealousy since he now cannot have me.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Well intervening in a set routine of an autistic person is very challenging. For a lot of autistic people it's their everything, it what allows them to relax and stave off the anxiety of unpredictability. Giving the person plenty of time to adjust to this unexpected event would help with it, we're talking days, not hours.

People with Asperger's want love but they're unsure or how to structure this shift in activity from what they were doing before. We're very much creatures of habit. You can't expect to come into our lives and shift things around and expect it to be okay, you need to come up with a timetable where there's time to interact with each other and spend quality time and then time to spend alone and engage in their ways to blow off steam.

 

[Maelstrom]

We had a routine of romantic texts for a long while as we spoke everyday. Things were pretty intense for awhile. At least for me. How he was not all worked up after those frequent explicit texts is beyond me. It will be interesting to see how he responds to me cutting that off and breaking up this routine. I was hoping the shake up would elicit new responses from him. I have started seeing someone new as well. I,e Ive recently seen some jealousy since he now cannot have me.

maybe he is just chicken on real relations....I have sort of had that happen girls who love to text all day long. But date time stuff and you find your self standing in a empty room with a cloud of feathers.
Actually spending real time with a real person..is too much! Apparently???

 

[Ylva]

I dont know what he does but it would appear that he hides behind social media, sticks to his male and marathoned netflix all the time alone. He told me that being around women was a lot for him to deal with. I never see him with other women and know he isnt dating anyone. What I do see is him pining over unattainable females hes never met that he will never meet and never have. This whole thing really confirmed my unofficial diagnosis of him being on the spectrum.

You have established that he is a fairly stereotypical male, but none of that screams aspergers to me.

A part of me hopes that by moving on to someone new hell finally realize what he had and fight for me. Will he miss me I wonder? Will he be jealous? Considering the fact that he is unable to tell me his feelings and process them, I highly doubt if he does feel these emotions hell never tell me.

Yeah, that kind of manipulation is unlikely to fly with an aspergian.

I have started seeing someone new as well.

Congratulations.

Ive recently seen some jealousy since he now cannot have me.

I'm telling you, it won't fly.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Well intervening in a set routine of an autistic person is very challenging. For a lot of autistic people it's their everything, it what allows them to relax and stave off the anxiety of unpredictability. Giving the person plenty of time to adjust to this unexpected event would help with it, we're talking days, not hours.

People with Asperger's want love but they're unsure or how to structure this shift in activity from what they were doing before. We're very much creatures of habit. You can't expect to come into our lives and shift things around and expect it to be okay, you need to come up with a timetable where there's time to interact with each other and spend quality time and then time to spend alone and engage in their ways to blow off steam.

Well I am now seeing exactly how he responds to shaking up a routine, which is not well. Hes been ruder than usual, a bit jealous and has been a bit on the nasty side with me. Which propels me to keep moving away from him.

As far as the timetable goes Ive given him nearly a near to slowly transition into different levels of our relationship. It took 4 months just to get him to tell me anything emotionally! 6 months to tell me he even liked me and 9 months to get an i love you out of him..and we still arent even dating because we dont see eachother. Perhaps us talking everyday and flirting is his idea of dating? he doesnt really date anyone or take women out , just stands watching from afar waiting for something..someone. I may have hurt his feelings but I dont even know since hes hiding it very well, aside from the tiny acting out in frustration part ever since i ut off the romantic aspect. Or again maybe he really doesnt care. its so hard to tell the difference when AS is involved.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

maybe he is just chicken on real relations....I have sort of had that happen girls who love to text all day long. But date time stuff and you find your self standing in a empty room with a cloud of feathers.
Actually spending real time with a real person..is too much! Apparently???

Who knows really. Im going to sound like a real jerk here but Im way out of his league and at this point AS or not if he cant see my value and worth, then bye. A year of my life has been wasted.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

You have established that he is a fairly stereotypical male, but none of that screams aspergers to me.

He has a lot of aspergian traits, I had mentioned them in earlier posts, but strict routine, flat affect, rigid posture, incredible social awkwardness, inability to maintain or really even get romantic relationships moving even though hes smart and handsome. He just is incredibly awkward. And he has shutdowns, major ones following too much social activity and he disappears for days and just hides in his room.

Yeah, that kind of manipulation is unlikely to fly with an aspergian.

Well Its not really flying, It was more a hope that he would come around if he saw I was moving on. either way I spent a year hoping and trying so I kind of had to move forward because this isnt a relationship to me.

Congratulations.



I'm telling you, it won't fly.

Jealousy wont fly? because he seems a little irritated and jealous

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Eventually I feel like a line needs to be drawn and I have to stand up for myself. I cant waste more time hoping and wishing hell want to see me. because what if Im wrong and this is him just showing me hes not interested, I can never change that anyway. While I appreciate the sexual romantic texts, it is difficult to rely on that alone to be indicative of a relationship. I need interaction and love and physical intimacy.
We are still friends and I said in the future if things change i'm always open to a relationship. until then, I have to do what is best for me.

 

[Maelstrom]

Who knows really. Im going to sound like a real jerk here but Im way out of his league and at this point AS or not if he cant see my value and worth, then bye. A year of my life has been wasted.

I know the feeling I wasted a whole summer on a girl and she burned me to the ground on wanting a little more face time, and now hates me....I really liked her I don't get why she hates me, I'm the one who got dumped and under valued.
People make no sense sometimes???? I guess they are unable to see the other persons side of things?

 

[Auroradanileigh]

I know the feeling I wasted a whole summer on a girl and she burned me to the ground on wanting a little more face time, and now hates me....I really liked her I don't get why she hates me, I'm the one who got dumped and under valued.
People make no sense sometimes???? I guess they are unable to see the other persons side of things?

I can see both her side and yours having now being educated on the difficulties of this. When I love someone I want to see them and be in their presence, to be intimate with them and feel their arms around me. It shows me in my own way that they reciprocate these feelings and want to be in my presence too. When they dont, it sends off alarm bells. Weve been conditioned by the hes just not that into you mentality so when our wants and needs arent reciprocated exactly as we think they should be, we dont understand and think the other person isnt into us, and even worse if they are contacting us but not seeing us, they are stringing us along and being manipulative, thats where the anger comes in, it stems from our resentment.

I could never hate him though. I know the reasons, and I know in my heart he loves me, he is unable to really express it how I need him to. I hope I can do more research and see how we can communicate our needs and wants better and maybe one day be in a real relationship.

 

[Judge]

I know the feeling I wasted a whole summer on a girl and she burned me to the ground on wanting a little more face time, and now hates me....I really liked her I don't get why she hates me, I'm the one who got dumped and under valued.
People make no sense sometimes???? I guess they are unable to see the other persons side of things?

"Face time" seems to be a pretty big priority in the NT world. Quite the opposite of an Aspie's routine need for solitude. Both of which can appear quite alien to the other.

Dynamics which definitely reflect quite a challenge to deal with for a successful relationship.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

I agree,

I can see once a week, even once every other week.even once a month hookups nsa hookups. But no facetime for 6 months? That’s crazy to me.