ASD1? 2? And 3?

[Jonn]

 

[FayetheAspie]

Would these be examples of struggles with ToM ? As a child when we would go shopping and a new season of my favorite series would be at the store, instead of asking for it I would tap out the tune of the series theme song on the shopping cart handle and then be disappointed if it did not get bought. Sometimes if I want something I stand and stare at it and hope my parents will realize that I want it but don't say anything. That even applied to getting things with my own money when I was working. I would often wait for someone to notce that I wanted something and tell me that I could buy it if I wanted to. My Mama and I have recently had discussions where I learned that I could have spent my money on whatever I wanted. It did not occur to me that it was ok for me to do that and apparently they had always assumed that I would automatically know that I could. Also things that I wanted as a child like skates I could have had if I had just spoke. I guess since I had no actual speech delays and could be quite verbose about my special interests and did not mind asking total strangers questions if there was something that I wanted to know, no one realized how big of a disconnect I had about making requests.There are several other such things that I do.If I want to watcha movie I stare at it.My Mama has been talking to me about it recently and trying to encourage me to speak up and actually voice what I want more. I think I have improved some since childhood. Also if I needed a hug I would just walk up and flap my hands much like a baby bird flapping it's wings. Somehow my Mama knew what I needed. If someone is holding something and I want to hold it I reach towards it and open and close my hand.

 

[Jonn]

Sometimes if I want something I stand and stare at it and hope my parents will realize that I want it but don't say anything. If I want to watch a movie I stare at it.

Sounds like lack of ToM to me.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I edited my previous comment adding some more examples to it. I guess I had fairly severe deficits in this area without even realizing it.

 

[vergil96]

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Interesting. The aspies I've met IRL were quite the opposite, prone to overexplanations of their and other people's ways of thinking. Assuming everyone thinks like you do makes me think rather of personality disorders, but tbh neurotypical people have a more "guess what I'm thinking, I won't tell you" communication style and not understanding that what they think about the other person might be a misinterpretation. With the aspies I know there is no guessing and lots of questions. I can relate to it somehow, if I happen to miss some nonverbal cues, I just ask. They do too. I like to habe aspie friends, because there are no doubts left and they will be honest, even blunt. It makes life easier and I appreciate the honesty, straightforward character, no white lies and "smoke signals" to manipulate.

 

[Jonn]

I like to habe aspie friends, because there are no doubts left and they will be honest, even blunt.

Autism is a spectrum.
"If you meet one autistic person, you meet one autistic person."
You can't assume all ppl on the spectrum are unfailingly honest.

I have an ex-autistic friend who says he is honest.
He is absolutely not.
He is also not interested in fair play and just wants to dominate everyone, hence the "ex friend".

I prefer to talk in terms of tendencies in characteristics rather than have a black&white position.
I have meet too many autistic ppl who deviate from the autistic bell curve mean.

 

[vergil96]

You can't assume all ppl on the spectrum are unfailingly honest.

Never said it was the case for all. It's just that I find detailed overexplanations of nonverbal cues to be a polar opposite of expecting others to read your mind and it's surprising. And I meant tendencies, yes. It's impossible to make a statement that will be true for everyone in such a large group as people on the autism spectrum.

 

[FayetheAspie]

If I am trying to explain something about a favorite subject or favorite series ect. ,I do overexplain. Also if frightened and seeking assurance that things are fine I can be very repetitive and perhaps overexplain the fears and/or suggested solutions. It is very situational when I overexplain vs when I don't think to speak up really.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I am insecure about asking for things because I never knew what my Dad in particular would disapprove of. For example when very young probably a toddler I had a blue balloon and was so happy to have it. My dad had music on and I started bouncing myself and the balloon to the beat of the music. He took the balloon from me and sliced it with a blade. I was heartbroken for my balloon. He said it was controlling me and he was rescuing me from it !?????! I am very uncomfortable expressing interest in having an item unless I know for sure that it will not be a problem so I actually have anxiety around asking for things or even spending my own money on things. Instead I just would look at it and assumed that if someone wanted me to have it they would tell me. Sometimes my behavior would get noticed and I would be asked if I wanted to get something. I think my dad is the only person who has ever treated me like I described above but he left me with severe anxiety about displeasing anyone that I see as an authority figure. I finally started opening up to my Mama here back about things that happened behind her back when I was a child and she is trying to help me work through overcoming these issues.

 

[jsilver256]

@FayetheAspie you do describe some aspects of low ToM, yes.

It's tricky, because part of what makes it so difficult is that you don't necessarily know what you're lacking in.

For me, low ToM mostly manifests in the form of "feeling criticized" when in reality it's just people sharing different opinions. Now I assume that when I feel criticized, that is just my autism and low ToM acting out. Much less stress that way.